MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

We'll have to agree to disagree on that. I think they are all extremely relevant. I want to know whether I am dealing with a real person and a real problem or just wasting my time being drawn in by yet another engagement farming thread. This site is full of them these days.

As this thread has rumbled on for a whole week while the 'OP' hasn't been back after the first few hours, I think I have my answer.

The only note I’d be sending would be one telling her to fuck off. What a ridiculous way for a grown woman to behave

NONE of this is relevant except the very last sentence.

Please don’t give this any energy. If your husband wants to go and discuss with his family why they are being so unreasonable and unkind, he can, but you should just protect your energy and your stress levels, and know that you have done NOTHING wrong.

Given your MiL’s extreme reaction it sounds as if there’s something else behind this. Is there another person in the family who can speak to your partner’s family and find out what’s going on? If it’s that’s simply she resents her son helping your family you’ll have to just leave them to it.

Sometimes people have to go private for certain things. He have the NHS in the UK but I’ve had to pay about £15k in medical bills this year because the NHS wasn’t helping DH. His new medication is very hard to get on the NHS because it’s expensive so we’re paying for that too.

If its true you could tell DPs family you would try to do the same for them if they were ever as unlucky to be that ill and unable to afford the necessary care. What more could they possibly ask?

Good evening OP, welcome to Mumsnet, or perhaps you've just namechanged?

If you are Spanish nationals and live in Spain why did you have to cover some of your dad's medical expenses? I thought healthcare in Spain was largely free at the point of use and it wasn't essential to have private insurance?

Also, just out of curiosity, can I ask why you are on an English speaking, British forum? I realise native English speakers from around the world use MN, but I can't imagine why a non-native English speaker living outside of the UK would use MN. Do they not have an equivalent in Spain?

Anyway, your MIL is being unreasonable.

My husband is Spanish too. Sounds like a MIL issue. My MIL and FIL would never behave like that. Family is everything to them, both sides. She sounds awful. Does your husband stand up to her?

I have to wonder if MIL has some kind of personality disorder - who the heck throws a jealous tantrum over someone being stuck in hospital?

Since she's gone silent I can only presume the trash has taken itself out, and please let me say what she should have - congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope everything goes well for you!

Absolute insanity and probabaly one of the most ridiculous things ive read on here - and thats saying something. Your husband needs to grow a pair - hes about to have a third child ffs! Your mother in law is a bully. You two need to seriously consider if this woman in worth having in your lives...

I’m not really sure I understand the post properly. Are you saying that your mother-in-law wants you to also give them some cash because you helped your own dad when he was sick?

First of all as others have said, why isn’t the mother talking to her son? Second of all if they have decided to distance themselves from you then I’d take that as a win. I Hope your husband steps up in this scenario and deals with it properly - like a grown-up.

The Spanish catholic church used to only charge 10% (diezmo)... 20% is far too much.

Calculate, don't go along with blackmail. Work out how much he actually paid for your parents. Compare his and your parents' financial situations. Make a long term budget for your own family/kids.

Does your SIL have a partner? Can you have a chat with them to figure out what is really going on? It can help to get a step away from the 35 year old crazy family dynamics.

Tell him he appears to prioritise his mother's blackmail over his children's needs.

Why do family know about the financial situation? This is extremely odd.and unnecessary.

Secondly, let them get on with it. They're being childish.

I agree with this absolutely 100%.

Having a husband who is a weakling isn't very appealing.
I hope OP you will update us about any conversations you have had with DH to reach a solution.
You can't just agree to something because MIL has thrown a tantrum. Her demands are unreasonable.
If you continue to pay MIL monthly that is going to end up in resentment in the long run because you don't know how long the payments will carry on for.
Also what about the financial situation for your own children. You need think about your own needs.
Best wishes.

What did your husband say to his mother to shut her down?? He needs to grow a spine. No way should he be sending her money monthly. If she needs support and help she can ask like an adult rather than throwing a tantrum like a toddler.

She said she's in Spain, but medical bills aren't a thing there either.

I did ask but was ignored. Fair enough, she doesn't have to answer me, but I'm surprised everyone else is just gliding along with the idea you have to pay huge medical bills and have your parents move in with you for half a year if your parents have a health crisis.

Spain has good universal health care.

It's not a US American or Indian post (to begin with I assumed one of the two).

I'm assuming you are not in the UK , because medical bills are not really a thing here. I also don't understand the attitude you should "help" your SIL because you earn well. Honestly all families have disparity of income, I have never met one where those who earn more subsidise those who earn less- you might help if there were a crisis, if you were able, but even that is very much optional.

It is always best to keep very quiet about how much money you have and how you spend it. People are really weird about money and often feel entitled to spend other people's and then get resentful when it isn't available.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. They seem to be incredibly upset and jealous that they are not getting 'their share' as if they are somehow entitled to equal parts of your time, money and attention, completely overlooking the fact that those things have been given to your parents because of a genuine and deeply unpleasant and horrible medical need/life event. It all seems horribly transactional and speaks volumes about their maturity, priorities and values. Im sure of your MIL or SIL had cancer or a similar level event, you would rally round. What do they want handouts for? Is it just to make it 'fair' or balance the scales? Im sure your parents would rather have had uninterrupted health than the financial assistance. Honestly your inlaws sound like nasty people.

Jealousy jealousy jealousy! What a twisted besom she is!

Question: But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too? No, but the MIL's feelings are important and probably not unfounded. Examine your own feeling patiently to see if you are "one-sided" . Sadly, many women and men do this, selfishly. MIL's feelings are real and possibly based on some truth. She longs for "family" to include her son and you & your children. Not an unreasonably desire or demand in old age!!

I was first puzzled as to how they knew the intricacies of your finances as a family, as your DH been unhappy secretly and then ranted to them but didn't expect her to handle it that way?
Then you confirmed it, that he probably casually shared, judging by the culture I come from, if you want a peaceful marital life, if you genuinely love your spouse, there are some details of your marriage that should never roll off your lips to anyone, the health & breakdown of your finances is one of them.

And then, he wants to hand her 20% of his monthly earnings on top of paying for all her monthly bills and medicals, that might come down to 40 of 50% of his monthly earnings in total at the end of the day.

DONT SAY YES TO THIS, DON'T START WHAT YOU CANNOT FINISH, it's better to confirm their suspicions now, than to suffer in silence for years, don't burn yourself to keep others warm, especially those who hate you anyways.

Absolutely, he should take care of his mum, but you both will discuss and agree on a reasonable amount/threshold for that, not the ins*nity he's about to sign, except he's really not on your side and has just been waiting for an opportunity to put away some of his money from the general purse.

Taking care of her monthly bills and all medicals (IF NEED ARISES) is still reasonable. But paying her x amount additionally to that every month is not, or he just gives her X amount every month and it ends there. But she cannot eat her cake and have it, you guys have a growing family.

Again, all this is on your husband. He is the orchestrator of all these, he's not a victim, so you guys need to have raw, honest conversations, let him spill the true state of his heart towards you, your family and financial arrangement so far.

Your SIL's silence suggests she has possibly contributed alot to your MILs construction of events. If she ordinarily is in much more contact with you given she lives closer, is it possible her feelings over the focus on your father's ill health, led her to narrate the story of unfairness to her mother? Your husband clearly wants to repair any hurt or harm his family has felt, however moving straight to giving money without creating an opportunity to talk about what has been said might mean you dont get to move forward in the way that puts this development in context. Can you arrange to meet and talk letting your MILknow that whilst you are grateful she told you how she was feeling, you have been shocked to hear what was troubling her and very surprised it had not been raised earlier when concerns were first coming to light.

Maybe it's a cultural issue that's why it's just not the done thing in UK. DH being the only son is maybe classed as the breadwinner (joint breadwinner in his marriage) but also for his mum & sister. Assume FIL is no longer around & DH's sister hasn't found herself a rich husband.

I think you need to establish some boundaries where money is concerned firstly with your DH along the lines of if MIL ever needed hospital bills paying for something life-threatening then of course you would consider it but only on a needs basis - not an expectation. Forget the monthly umbilical cord/apron strings subscription.

Doesn't it sound really off that after being married to DH for 6 years, 2 children +1 on the way your MIL is demanding money because your father nearly died? Is she on the brink of homelessness? Did DH's father pay a tax to his parents every month, is it the done thing in spanish life, has she no shame?

She's drawn a line in the sand, there's no reason you can't draw one too - your terms, your marriage.