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Original poster

AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

209 replies

CardboardBoxesLily · 15/09/2026 13:19

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/09/2026 14:42

TinyCottageGirl · 15/09/2026 14:38

I believe the man should be paying at least 75% of the time, I generally would buy coffees, parking and drinks here and there but my husband paid most of the time right from the beginning. I always offered, or would offer to get the next round etc. He is the breadwinner so still mostly pays if we go out.

Edited

Can I ask why you think the man should be paying at least 75% of the time? What if the woman earns more?

NewNewYork · 15/09/2026 14:42

ilovesooty · 15/09/2026 14:11

Unless you're a high quality date setting a test of course 🙄

Show quote history

Snark all you want, I'm happily married to a man who earns the same and also went part time for childcare and continues to do half the school runs.

OrchardOwl · 15/09/2026 14:41

nomas · 15/09/2026 14:39

a man offering to pay for a date is a sign he’s a good one who supports women and issues affecting women

Or he's controlling, if he doesn't accept that a woman wants to go 50/50. Insisting on paying the bill isn't a green flag.

Show quote history

I said offer, not insist. Neither party should insist on doing anything on a date.

iamnotalemon · 15/09/2026 14:41

nomas · 15/09/2026 14:39

a man offering to pay for a date is a sign he’s a good one who supports women and issues affecting women

Or he's controlling, if he doesn't accept that a woman wants to go 50/50. Insisting on paying the bill isn't a green flag.

Show quote history

Exactly. Or they want something in return for paying. It doesn’t automatically make them a good one.

SlipperyLizard · 15/09/2026 14:39

50/50 or take turns. I have always felt deeply uncomfortable with men who insist on settling the whole bill.

nomas · 15/09/2026 14:39

OrchardOwl · 15/09/2026 14:36

Generally I think men should offer. The gender pay gap still exists and a man offering to pay for a date is a sign he’s a good one who supports women and issues affecting women, rather than the “if women want equality then they shouldn’t except special treatment” type.

If however the woman is significantly more wealthy than the man she is dating and both parties are aware of this, then I think she should offer instead.

a man offering to pay for a date is a sign he’s a good one who supports women and issues affecting women

Or he's controlling, if he doesn't accept that a woman wants to go 50/50. Insisting on paying the bill isn't a green flag.

TinyCottageGirl · 15/09/2026 14:38

I believe the man should be paying at least 75% of the time, I generally would buy coffees, parking and drinks here and there but my husband paid most of the time right from the beginning. I always offered, or would offer to get the next round etc. He is the breadwinner so still mostly pays if we go out.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/09/2026 14:37

I am quite shocked that so many women still expect the man to pay. Surely it would be fairer to alternate or go Dutch?

The idea that women are expecting to sit back and be paid for because they consider themselves to be "high quality dates" makes me feel slightly sick. You're on a date, not working as an escort!

I would not be attracted to a man who didn't recognise me as his equal.

nomas · 15/09/2026 14:37

CheeseToast17 · 15/09/2026 14:25

My theory is, when it comes to pay the woman offers, if the man lets her pay or splits the bill, that’s not the man you want to be navigating maternity pay with.

I would hope that someone I'm having a baby with would treat me differently to a stranger he is having a first date with.

Dates are so expensive now, with theatre tickets costing £80+ each, cinema with pop corn £20, a meal at Wagagama is £60.

It's not fair to expect the man to pay for both, it should be taken in turns.

OrchardOwl · 15/09/2026 14:36

Generally I think men should offer. The gender pay gap still exists and a man offering to pay for a date is a sign he’s a good one who supports women and issues affecting women, rather than the “if women want equality then they shouldn’t except special treatment” type.

If however the woman is significantly more wealthy than the man she is dating and both parties are aware of this, then I think she should offer instead.

ilovesooty · 15/09/2026 14:28

mtobrokeme · 15/09/2026 14:23

We took it in turns. I can’t imagine letting a bloke pay for everything. I’d be embarrassed. Do women who expect men to pay for everything have no pride?

Edited

Just grabby. Men dodge a bullet if they manage to avoid women like that.

caringcarer · 15/09/2026 14:26

When dating DH paid foreals out and weekends away. He insisted. I paid for coffees and the odd piece of cake if out and about. Were married now with separate finances but he still likes to pay when we go out for a meal and we pay half for holidays.

CheeseToast17 · 15/09/2026 14:25

My theory is, when it comes to pay the woman offers, if the man lets her pay or splits the bill, that’s not the man you want to be navigating maternity pay with.

backformoreofthesame · 15/09/2026 14:24

Take turns

why should you think that men shouldn’t be spoilt as much as women ? Isn’t that rather sexist and outdated ?

mtobrokeme · 15/09/2026 14:23

We took it in turns. I can’t imagine letting a bloke pay for everything. I’d be embarrassed. Do women who expect men to pay for everything have no pride?

shhblackbag · 15/09/2026 14:22

Whomever asked out pays on the first date, from there it is probably fifty-fifty, unless one person earns way more.

Junespun · 15/09/2026 14:22

When I dated it was always the man who paid, I'd attempt to pay or even go dutch but the man always insisted.

shhblackbag · 15/09/2026 14:20

I'd like to know what a high quality date is. I'm curious.

Coconutter24 · 15/09/2026 14:17

When dating I would always offer to pay my share

ilovepixie · 15/09/2026 14:14

My DH normally paid. I would pay for the occasional meal out. But it was usually him.

ilovesooty · 15/09/2026 14:11

gamerchick · 15/09/2026 13:42

I think the old fashioned way of the man paying is a bit of a throwback from when women relied on men financially. That's not the case anymore. Find your own path of halfs or take turns. It doesn't matter who pays.

Unless you're a high quality date setting a test of course 🙄

ilovesooty · 15/09/2026 14:08

workshy46 · 15/09/2026 13:29

Women spend a lot more getting ready for dates so in the past men usually paid, especially initially. Called me old fashioned but if a guy asked me out I would offer to split but would be unimpressed if he didn’t tbh. Women’s lib seems to have had the opposite effect - women now tend to pay more for fear as been seen as a gold digger and if this site is anything to go on in the long run end up paying for absolutely everything.

Why on earth are women's preparation for the date relevant?

Kokal · 15/09/2026 14:07

DH always paid when we were dating. That was also the case for my previous relationships.

iamnotalemon · 15/09/2026 14:05

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/09/2026 13:24

For me it's usually done roughly alternately. I'll be aware that he paid last time, so I will get the next one. I'm comfortable with that, generally unspoken, arrangement

This is what I do. I certainly don’t expect a man to pay for everything, whether it’s a date or a relationship.

Hollowvoice · 15/09/2026 13:59

PinkyFlamingo · 15/09/2026 13:50

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me

As opposed to the man whipping out his card and paying whilst the woman sits back being spoiled by her man"?
What's the difference?

Indeed. I like "spoiling" DH when I can, he works bloody hard for us!