AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

Well, that I can get on board with. I wouldn't want to date someone who was too tight to pay for a cup of coffee either.

I just think that the expectation should apply equally to both men and women.

We take it more or less in turns paying, but overall I pay more for things we do together because I earn significantly more than my partner and think a proportional split is more fair. It's never been an issue.

EXACTLY 100% that. Thank you for putting it into better words

I'm happy to pay.
I want someone that is also happy to pay.

I don't care who actually pays but I definitely do not want someone who is mentally calculating if I'm ripping them off for a hot drink.

Roughly take in turns and if it’s one persons birthday the other pays. Don’t get too strict about it. I earn my own money and could not possible accept a man always paying for me.

Literally the same. I've just said that in my last post - it's a fiver, if whoever is at the till isn't saying "I'll get these" it's poor etiquette and it smacks of someone more focused on not paying a penny more than they have to to have a good time, rather than focusing on having a good time.

That's fair enough, but in that case, it isn't about the man paying at all. It is about both people being willing to pay.

DH paid for most things when we were dating… tables have turned now I am the higher earner though.
I think if I dated again I would want to take it in turns. But first dates should be 50 50 because I do appreciate that not all first dates workout, it’s seeing if you like each other enough to have a second. I don’t think it’s fair for a man to have to pay for multiple first dates with women who may or may not decide they want another date.
I also now at this age would not want to feel unequal to a partner at all, in my youth I was fine with being paid for but it was naive and led to some unequal balances in relationships.
if I ever met someone new and they were considerably wealthier than me then I would stil not want them to pay more than their half unless we got into a long term relationship and started to share things based on percentage of income.

I was lucky in that I was too young to really have an entrenched view about it at the time, but my experience has entrenched it as firm view.

i dont hypothesis that every man that pays the first bill will be an equal partner, but more the opposite - if a man shows you from day 1 that he isn't willing to punt a fiver for a drink (which he likely does with his mates) then it isn't the strongest indication that he wants to take care of you and give you a good time and IMO that's the test. Not whether he can but whether he values trying. If he can't be bothered to show that on Day 1, he isn't worth it IMO. And that goes both ways, it's literally a fiver, if I endnup at the till first, I'll offer, because it's literally nothing and if he isn't prepared to treat me the same, I'm not interested. Whoever is there first says "ill get these". If he isn't doing that, it's not for me.

We take turns on paying for food, dates etc. We don’t share finances or anything but will foot the bill if moneys getting tight for the other.

As a man I paid on the first date which involved a meal.
After that it was 50/50 or takes turns.
We both work so paying for things like holidays are 50/50 and we take it in turns to drive the to the airport.
We spend the same on each other's Christmas and Birthday presents.
Only exception is if one of us is driving - for example to a gig or other event when the drinker gets the driver's soft drinks in.
There are a few things like if we're having dinner at home I probably buy more expensive wine than she does but that's my choice.

And what exactly does it tell you if a woman wouldn't quibble over buying a drink for a friend but begrudges it for a date?

Have you never seen how men talk about someone who doesn't buy their round?!

Yes, my DH has always shared the load equally because he isn't a sexist twat. I don't think he deserves a medal for it, though, whereas you seem to think yours does?

Describing yourself a "high quality date" that a man should be willing to pay for makes me feel very uncomfortable. I mean, I'm glad that he thought you were worth a fiver and all that, but did you not consider him to be a high quality date that was worth a fiver as well? If not, why not?

ETA that was supposed to be a response to @NewNewYork but I forgot to quote.

Everything. If a man wouldn't quibble over buying a mate a pint but begrudges it for a date, it tells you everything.

But I don’t there there’s a correlation between being a decent parent and paying for the coffee. I’m sure plenty of guys will pick up the tab but still leave most of the parenting to the wife/mother. It sounds like you were just lucky on that front.

We take turns. IT's not complicated.

You say that, after quoting my expectation that a man offers to pay a fiver for a coffee.

My husband went part time to care for our child and continues to do half the school runs, turns up to every parents evening, is involved in school volunteering, does all the cooking and laundry (i clean and do other household bits like admin, DIY, painting and decorating), and he earns the same as me.

So please, tell me more about these men you wouldn't be attracted to if they didn't see you as an equal. I presume your unhookery dating technique landed you a man that does an equal share?

Is that completely outdated now?

Yes, of course it is.

Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman?

I wouldn't date a man who was so insecure in his masculinity that he was 'uncomfortable' at the notion of a woman having money and being able to treat him.

What do other people do?

I dated one man at a time when I had absolutely no money to spare whatsoever and he was fairly well off, and he always paid the bill purely because he was well aware that I couldn't afford things like restaurant meals and he could afford them easily.

That wasn't a gender thing, though. If I'd been the higher earner and he'd been the skint one, I would have paid.

In pretty much every other dating scenario we've either split the bill or taken it in turns.

In my current relationship (of 23 years, but we don't have joint finances) we more or less take it in turns to pay. We're not precious about keeping a tally but it works out broadly evenly over time.

This post is embarrassing, old-fashioned tripe

I’m on a few Facebook dating groups and so many women on there (I’m also female) won’t even go on a coffee date as they think it’s ’low effort’.

What's that got to do with anything?

You ever see a man quibble over a fiver for anything they value? No.

My husband and I dated in uni. In the early days he would pay cos its the gentlemanly thing to do and he worked. Later on we would split it so one of us would pay for dinner and the other would pay for whatever activity we were doing, then on the following date we'd switch.

Split it when just dating, once you’re in a relationship then you can alternate.

But respectfully, how long have you been together? Times have changed.