AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

This post made me cringe on so many levels. You're not a high quality date if you expect someone to pay for you!

If we're talking first dates, you're definitely not the only one and shouldn't expect to be.

Modern as in 2026? Two coffees for a fiver in this economy?

Never mind the bill you don’t call her ‘ his woman ‘ women aren’t owned by anyone . As for the bill take it in turns , treat each other , it’s not set in stone .

50/50 or take it in turns, with nuances depending on the situation, for example if one person comes from wealth or earns a lot more - but that wouldn't apply on a first date anyway.

When I was dating I wanted someone who saw me as an equal and who didn't consider traditional gender roles to be important. The best way to filter for those men was to simply be their equal. Suggesting that we split the bill was a good litmus test - the ones who felt uncomfortable that a woman might pay for them didn't get second dates. As for the men who thought that splashing the cash on me would impress me into their beds... such a turn-off. There was also a distinct correlation between the men who wanted to buy me expensive things and the men who expected me to sleep with them.

If you accept traditional gender roles when dating, you shouldn't be surprised when that man expects them when you're married as well, and you get stuck looking after the house and kids while he's out at work all the time.

I'm not really sure why the gender pay gap is relevant. I'm not dating on behalf of other women. If I earn the same as the man I'm dating (or - perish the thought - more!) then it would be extremely silly to make him pay because other women are earning less.

I agree with them! I wouldn’t go on a walking date either, ick.

Thanks for answering. I understand why your dad always paid for stuff when you were growing up, because your mum wasn't earning.

But I still don't understand why you think men should pay in general when women are equally capable of doing so?

Do you still think the man should always pay if the woman earns the same or more?

always took turns paying.

I’m a high earner and also not someone who primps. I am clean and presentable, but don’t subscribe to the expensive routine that many women engage in.

Take it turns generally (been dating 9 months) with a slight skew to me picking up a couple more of the bills. But that's because I spend at least one or two nights at his midweek (due to his work commitments vs me WFH) and he covers all food and drink whilst I'm there. And he always makes sure my treats/faves are in the fridge for when I arrive and enough for my work days as well. So I will pick up an extra odd meal out here and there. (I outearn him by a bit and my outgoings are also less). It feels fair and I'm happy with that.

I would never sit back and expect someone to cover a bill without me at least offering.

We mostly split things like restaurant bills and took turns with things like bar rounds. I paid for most gigs because its more my thing. Now of course we just pay for everything like that from a joint account unless its something like a special birthday date.

I agree re not going for dinner on a first date. Drinks or coffee is easier and more relaxed. Plus you can leave if you want to!

I was always brought up to “buy my
round” and see it as an awful thing for anyone not to pay their way.

It's been quite a few years, but my recollection is that when were dating, DH paid the first time, and after that we alternated but more like two for him for every one for me. But he was the higher earner so that seemed fair. When we went away on holiday, we would roughly go 50/50.

I'm in favour generally of equality and paying my own way but there are nuances (and I'm aware some of them are me being slightly sexist).

When I met my husband he was a lot older and had a professional job while i was doing retail work so when he suggested going for dinner I did assume he was paying and he did. There was no way I would have been going out for dinner otherwise. I did buy drinks sometimes and treated him on his birthday. We've been married years now and I earn a fair bit more so I usually pay for stuff like meals out and days out (we have semi separate finances which suit us) but he treats me on my birthday etc so we have changed places and I'm entirely happy with that.

I think if I was going on a first date nowadays I'd happily split but I'd also feel slightly hmmm if the man didn't at least offer to pay first (which I'd refuse). I'm not sure I can really explain why.

It may relate to past experiences when I dated unemployed musicians in my youth and I ended up paying and started to resent how it was taken for granted with the "its not my fault I've got no money, I'm working towards my dream" crap. Or an ex I used to split the bill equally with (fair enough we were both students) but he would have ordered/eaten/drunk much more than me but would tell me i was "petty" and "mean" if i pointed that out. He later married and had a child with someone and I wondered if he was one of those blokes who insist the mother carries on paying exactly half the bills and mortgage from her maternity pay and savings. I think it's those sort of things that make me think it's nice when a man at least offers to pay.

I think it’s old fashioned (and unfair) to expect a man to pay. It should be 50/50. I’m a woman btw.

I was brought up in a household where my dad always paid, my mum didn't have a paid job (house wife) and my dad enjoyed treating her/us as she spent time and energy raising us and keeping the house in order.
My industry is male dominated and the men generally pay if we go out (e.g. clients paying for lunch etc. even though I have always offered and I can expense it if I wanted).
My opinion is if a man has invited you out to dinner then he should have the means to pay, of course you shouldn't expect it and should always offer but maybe I am old school in my thinking that the man should pay more often than the woman.
It works in my relationship but might not suit other couples :)

It's outdated and sexist. What's wrong with taking turns?

50/50 I’d say. I’m can’t remember how meals were spilt, so long ago now, he defo paid for some meals. But first date I remember distinctly, we went for drinks and took turns buying the round. I arrived first so texted him and got the first round in

Hate going 50/50. It’s better to alternate and it balances itself out. The exception is if you’re dating in the early days and you don’t know if they’ll be a 2nd date etc. Then I’d just alternate buying rounds. I’d never go for dinner on a 1st date!

Whoever wants to!

I think the default is that it’s split, or people take turns, but if anyone feels inclined to pay then they can.

This is what I say to my son - if you genuinely want to pay for a friend or a date then it’s a nice thing to do, but no one is obliged to pay, nor should anyone get to a point where they feel imposed upon or pay for something they can’t afford.

What I don’t think is right is people saying out-loud or in advance “we’ll be splitting this you know” or “I’m not going to be paying” - that’s crass and rude. You see that a fair bit on here or in tales I’ve been told!

Easy. You share the bill or at least offer. Or one pays for this and the other for that.

We can’t expect to have equality and also expect to be paid for all the time. What kind of message is that sending to a man? That we need providing for? Fuck that!

The mage is likely to buy a pint back though

We either did 50/50 or just took turns when dating.
Now married we just take in turns or if on holiday make sure it's balances at the end as DH uses a credit card away whilst I use a chase account.
We have joint and separate finances (joint for bills separate for our own spending).

Also don't get what is wrong with a woman paying all of the bill as long as it roughly works out. Its different to constantly being paid for in early days of dating.

My OH paid for our first meal out and I paid the next time. He paid more often than me (or paid in the more expensive places) because he earned more than me at the time but I made sure I contributed.

Married now but when we were first dating we split the bill in half for the first few and then loosely took it in turns after that (i.e. we didn't worry if the meal he paid for last time was more or less expensive than the meal I paid for this time etc..). I have a high paying job and don't need to sponge of a guy to go out and I was keen that we started as we meant to go on with an even/fair division of expenses and labour. Now we are married we have a joint account and he does his share of house jobs.

Together 8 years, married 2 years, I am late 20s and DH 10 years older but we have relatively 'traditional' values. It's just what works for us :)
He also pays for roughly 75% of the bills as he is the higher earner and he can afford to, he's got 10 more years into his career than I have! Maybe it's the age gap..

If in a relationship - always 50/50 / take in turns.

If dating - first date I will offer but assume he’ll pay -
I would never be annoyed if he didn’t offer though.
And I only ever go for a quick drink or 2 for the first date anyway.

Further dates I insist on going 50/50.

Eating or drinking out is expensive and I don’t think it’s fair for one person to pay.

My friend is currently dating and feels like he should pay but it’s costing him about £100 just for 2 meals and a couple drinks.
Thats a lot of money to spend on a stranger that you may never see again.