AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

I'm in my 50s and I've only ever had early dates in pubs really, and then would just do rounds. Meals I would save for when we are properly going out, and then would split. I never wanted to "owe" anybody anything and wanted to be treated equally. I doubt that I've ever spent longer getting ready than the person I am dating!

These days it's still rounds, meals come out of the joint account, unless one of us is treating the other for an occasion, cinema, gigs, etc - either split or the one who wants to go and see the band and would like company pays.

I met DH when we were teenagers, we generally took turns but not rigidly - we were often broke so it was sometimes whoever had been paid that week! Sometimes we were completely broke so we'd make sandwiches at his house or mine and drive to a country park for a walk and a picnic!

Accepting a free drink or a free meal isn't grabby or having no self pride. I'd argue if you don't think you're worth a £5 meal you need more pride. I'd understand your point if it was expensive restaurants or clothesor even expecting to be sent money like some people do but somehow I don't think a meal once every few months when I am free enough to date is funding my lifestyle. It's called knowing what you value and find attractive. I would never expect a man to pay my bills or fund my life because thats ridiculous and unsafe but you can be independent and still like a free drink. Most men would pay if they liked you and thats the simple truth. Would also like that the man paying is less about the money and more the effort. If he's not in a position to go out on a date, they would maybe cook or even a sit at a pretty park with a picnic is great because it shows effort.

Surely you do 50/50 unless you think its appropriate to essentially sell yourself to the other person?

You’re only 21 so there’s plenty of time for you to stop being so grabby and develop some self pride. Imagine being a woman attempting to gain a degree at university and relying on men to fund your lifestyle.

I completely agree. It has to be fair and it becomes fair once you get past the first date and they've in some way proven themselves so then I'll split a bill or pick up a round but again in my experience they don't want me to pay so why would I? Any offer to pay is usually followed by 'don't be ridiculous' or 'i'm paying I asked you out'. The only time anyone I know who splits a bill is people in committed relationships. Would happily pay past a first date if that seems like the vibe but I haven't seemed to date men like that.

Dating, we took in turns. Married? It’s all the same pot so doesn’t matter who taps the card now!

It's a long time ago, but my (now) DH and I always paid equally, usually one or other of us would pay and the other would hand over half in cash. I always insisted I wanted to pay my way. It was different on birthdays and other special occasions where one of us would "treat" the other, but generally speaking, we kept to everything being 50:50.

When on holiday etc., we even had an extra "joint" purse where we both put the same amount of cash in and used it to pay for "joint" things like meals, drinks, attraction entry fees, etc. We'd then use our own purse/wallet for things that only one of us wanted to buy, i.e. an expensive souvenir etc.

As we were both roughly "on the same wavelength" we never had problems where one of us had a more expensive meal/drink or an extra course etc., so roughly speaking, our "joint" spendings were equal, so 50:50 worked - we both had the sense not to take the piss by spending a lot more than the other.

Same on evenings in the pub. We'd take it in turns to buy the drinks and usually managed to have an equal number, whether 2 or 4 - to keep things equal.

My prior boyfriend was an utter nightmare, would ask for a shot when it was my round but half a lager when it was his, and would usually let me buy the first round, then decide he'd had enough after 3 so it'd end up with me having bought 2 and him only 1. Needless to say, he didn't last long before I binned him!

Ultimately it's what works for you. Need to be open with communications etc., sort things out in advance to avoid awkward moments etc. If you can't discuss in advance openly, then it's not a healthy relationship.

Thanks for explaining. My only other thought that this seems fine if people take it in turns to invite each other. If it's one sided then it can start to feel less like a good deal.

If someone invites you out specifically for a 2-4-1 deal,, its widely accepted that they were going to go anyway. This could be a generation thing but most people I know would be offended if they were asked to pay if it's a 2-4-1. My logic , and it has been supported by others in my life, is that a 2-4-1 is the second drink free. Without sounding incredibly gen z its girl math. Another reason is my friends and I regularly treat each other to meals and 2-4-1 drink deals so why shouldn't I expect the same from someone who's interested in me romantically. It's okay to disagree and it's worth remembering that everyone has different types and is attracted to different things. I know what i'd expect in a relationship and see not being upset about paying for a date that cheap as a stepping stone to traits in the rest of the relationship. If that isn't what the person i'm on a date with is looking for thats okay and we're not right for each other. Would also like to add I always go to date prepared to pay but would prefer not to so its not a affordability issue.

We’d both pay. Sometimes it was whoever offered. Sometimes we’d split it and each pay for what we ordered, like on a first or second date. With Dh and I we’d take it in turns depending on who was less skint.

I’ve only had a few men sit back and wait for me to pay and based on my anecdotal evidence with an n of 2, these turned out to be big losers. 😂 One ‘forgot his wallet’ (but it was okay because he was a vegan who only ate rice, seriously, only rice, so all he had was a big plate of rice 😳).

The other was a guy I met online dating in a city I was moving to, but didn’t yet live in. So I travelled 3 hours by train to meet him for a drink and was travelling 3 hours back that evening (I was 24 and it was something to do 🤷🏻‍♀️). He slid the bill across to me when it arrived and said, yours is £25. 😂 It was a first and last date. I was very happy to pay for myself, but considering I spent £100 and 6 hours travelling to see him, it would have been polite to at least offer to pay for my 2 drinks.

25 years ago when dating we’d usually split it 50 50, either taking it in turns evening by evening, or alternating rounds etc.
There was one year when my boyfriend was in a well paid job as he’d graduated a year early and I was still a student, so he tended to pay for more when we went out. But whenever it was both people in similar situations (which it always was apart from that one year) it was pretty 50 50.

It's not free to the person purchasing the initial drink / meal, who may have just preferred to have a coke and spag bol at home rather go to the effort / expense of meal/drinks out.

It works out free in the deal, thats the whole marketing strategy of a 2-4-1?. Majority of the people I know consider the second drink free because you would have brought the first one anyway so the second is free.

When dating, we more or less took turns unless one of us wanted to do something we knew the other one wasn't bothered about/couldn't afford.

Now, we have a joint account as well as out own personal accounts, so restaurant bills etc. come out of that. DH usually does the actual physical paying though, even though the money comes out of our joint account, because it makes him feel 'manly' 😁

I'd personally be offended if you couldn't pay for my drink when its basically free because of the 2-4-1 or paid for food on such a good deal.

The drink / meal isn't free because the deal depends on one person making a full price purchase. They haven't just grabbed you off the streets and given you a free drink or meal.

I think its dependent on the person and whats right for them. Personally I have never been on a date and paid, I may offer but its a test. That's only because they are usually affordable dates for example a round of drinks at a 2-4-1 place or recently bottomless pancakes where they were £5 per person. I see it as them not putting in the effort especially because they usually ask me out but it also worth noting i've never been asked to pay. The bill is usually taken care of without any hesitation from the man but I guess I date a certain type. It is worth noting I'm 21 and a recent uni grad so all these dates were with other students. I'd personally be offended if you couldn't pay for my drink when its basically free because of the 2-4-1 or paid for food on such a good deal. That being said, I have a friend that wont let a man pay on a date or even buy her a free drink in a club because she doest want to owe him something whereas I wont let anyone expect anything just for a drink and if they do I don't care. If its a relationship I would absolutely go halves sometimes or even pick up a whole bill but only if they've proven themselves and it evens out.

But not all dates are a £5 coffee, they involve meals, theatre, nights out, cinema etc.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and the hosts were in their 20s and they talked about how expensive dating is for young people now.

The young male host also said that costs also added additional pressure to the dynamic of the date because you can't always have a good time if you know the cost of socialising is so high. So adding the expectation that the man pays just adds to the pressure.

From the sound of it, the expectation that the man always pays is lessening in the younger generations.

Before my time, when women got paid less, and there was an expectation the couple might eventually get married and she'd give up work, it was fair for the man to pay. Now it should be 50/50, but if one earns less, then it would be fair for that one to pay less.

Calling the person a man is on a date with ‘his woman’ tells me all I need to know…

@CardboardBoxesLily I think it depends on your financial situation. I was a student and dh was working when we met. I still thought I should pay me half and insisted but he said "you're studying- if the roles had been reversed I'm sure you would have taken the bill". Which was and is true.

I think if I earnt considerably more I would definitely pay for more than DH.
I do still think if both are earning the same, the man should be paying slightly more/maybe take it turns but he covers more of the expensive ones. Maybe 60/40 in terms of the financial hit.
Generally women have higher upkeeping costs (e.g. clothes, make up, sanitary products, haircuts, shampoo etc.) so I think in general a womans outgoings could be higher than a mans so him covering an extra dinner here and there isn't a big deal to me.
Womens clothing/products are almost always more expensive for the exact item, e.g. a womans M&S cotton t shirt being more expensive than the exact mens version even with less material (study done few years ago, not sure if still the case for this exact item). Razors, shampoos etc. again all more expensive for women.
Things like this have conditioned me over the years to think men should pay more as women have to deal with the 'female tax' their whole lives.
Maybe I am backwards, I just cannot help it haha!

I think whoever plans for the date should pay. A lot of first dates these days are a coffee and a walk... So if a man invited me out for a coffee (I would prob decline as I don't drink hot drinks) but I would expect him to pay. As a low cost date, if he didn't want to buy me a £5 drink I wouldn't want to see him again.

We alternate, roughly. I earn more at the moment but also have higher living costs. We don't live together but LTR with plans to move in together.

If we're out for the day and have a couple of coffees or go to a couple of pubs, we alternate. I treat him on his birthday, he paid for dinner on mine.

If we have to get food out or go for a meal together, often one of us pays and the other sends over some money. Occasionally he offers to pay if we're at his and he's choosing not to cook. I'm more likely to pack a picnic or cook if we're at mine.

We'll have a shared account for this sort of thing once we move in together and have joint bills to pay.

If it's a date split 50/50.