AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

So, I have kids who are 36 and 31, yes i made some parenting mistakes but I have always owned up to them. Recently I spoke to both of my kids about a hard period in their childhood after I divorced their Dad, and I apologised for how I struggled then and how it may have affected them. They appreciated the opportunity to talk about it - although they insisted I didn't need to apologise.

There are some spectacularly crap responses here!

You are asking if it was wrong: yes, she hit a child in her care. Inexcusable.

IF she’d said sorry - straight away, or later in the day, or even more fully now, taking full responsibility and not putting it on you - that would have given you a level of healing.

But she didn’t. She gaslit you about it for YEARS and looked after her own shame, instead of healing your trauma. This is very wrong of her.

I am glad she has finally admitted it, but after years of doubting yourself she has done a lot of damage.

You sound very empathic, but please be empathic to yourself too. You were a child and should not have been hit and lied to.

I suspect there may be more to unravel in your relationship with your mum, and I very much recommend seeking out a therapist just to chat things over with.

One last time - you were a child. It was not your fault. You were in her care. She let you down in the moment, and for all the years she has lied about it. It was not your fault.

It's clearly unacceptable and abusive behaviour. Also, your mum failed to protect you from living in an atmosphere of abuse, which has clearly had an impact. If she posted nowadays, she'd be told to LTB or she'd be colluding in the abuse of her children by staying in that environment.

But (and it's a big one)... you are both victims here. You as a child, both from this one episode from your mother and also the abuse from your father. Your mother, being the victim of an abusive relationship and also having to do her best within that environment to provide for and nurture her DC. And it was a different time even 20 years ago... the emphasis was on keeping families together, not breaking them up. Lots of talk about 'family breakdown' and such being the root of all evil and rubbish like that. Women did just put up with stuff to a much greater extent than they do now... there was much less sympathy for women leaving abusive relationships than there is now and domestic violence was taken much less seriously.

It sounds like your mother did her best in the situation she was in, and she had one moment when she snapped and did something out of character which has disproportionately (but understandably) affected you, maybe much more than she realised. She may have comforted herself by telling her that, regardless of how shit things were, she managed to put her DC first and protect you so I imagine it is quite traumatic for her to realise the impact that this one mistake she made as a parent, this one loss of control amongst all the stress, has had on you.

In your shoes, I'd be kind to her but also to yourself. Have you talked to anyone (e.g. a therapist) about your childhood, you might find that useful?

Is hitting a child a day to day event for you?

Why do you keep coming back to this? I think that's something to look at.
I was a horrible teen and was slapped by my Dad once for my attitude, deserved it.
My lovely Dad probably felt terrible about it.
I think you need to look at why you're going over this.

You are incredibly uneducated on this matter and that is clear. Trauma is a complex emotion and having a mother who resorted to hitting whilst also living through DV in a home can absolutely lead to trauma and/or PTSD. Do not minimise others emotions and experiences.

She also spent her whole childhood with an abusive alcoholic and witnessed domestic violence in the home. Then one day, her mother, who I’m assuming was her safe place, suddenly assaulted her without warning and then gaslit her by pretending it never happened.

I’m not exactly soft and fluffy, but I can see how this can form an element of PTSD when combined with a childhood of witnessing abuse.

I absolutely can say that being slapped once as a teenager isn't trauma. That isn't what it is.

In the same way being nervous before an exam isn't anxiety.

Or feeling low because you had an argument with your friend isn't depression.

Stop using serious mental illnesses that have a devastating impact on people's lives as a way of making day to day events seem more dramatic and impactful.

👏🏼 well said. They are projecting and using this as a way of justifying their own abusive behaviour. Hitting, slapping whatever you want to call it, is abuse.

Sometimes kids just really do reach the limit of your patience. If you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, trying to hold down a demanding job to support the family and a child is being completely awful, disrespectful, rude and ungrateful I personally think a quick shock like a smack is better than verbal abuse or ignoring their terrible behaviour. I’d imagine she’d tried and tried to tell you what you needed to do or not to do and you wouldn’t listen.

you cannot comment on or decide what does or doesn’t constitute trauma. PTSD can be complex and caused by numerous things.

The only acceptable amount of violence is zero. No matter how much stress your mother was under, her hitting you was a dreadful thing for her to do. You were a child.

I'm amazed at all the people making excuses for your mum here and insinuating you somehow deserved it. I wonder how many of these abuse apologists have hit their own DCs and then blamed their children for their own shitty choices.

I'm your age and also remember my mum hitting me in the face as a teenager. We otherwise had and still do have a very good relationship, and she was never abusive in any other way. Because of this, I have never brought it up, because I know she probably remembers and regrets it and would be mortified. For us, talking about it wouldn't do any good. I'm not a stiff upper lip person at all and will absolutely express my emotions in the moment, but not 20 years later. She was probably going through the perimenopause as well.
However, if it is haunting you maybe that should be taken into account.

The use of this as an example of 'PTSD' is something I find really offensive.

PTSD is a response to trauma. Being stabbed by a stranger, being the only survivor of a plane crash, seeing something horrific like a colleague stepping on a roadside bomb and exploding. Being slapped by your mum once as a teen for being rude is not a trauma. It completely belittles people who have genuinely suffered trauma and have to live with the consequences.

I don’t read it like that…

What an unpleasant contribution.

Incredibly nasty comment and completely unnecessary

It was unacceptable but I think you're unfair to try and hold this against her when she was gentle, loving and compassionate besides from this one incident. Especially based on the era, I'm a couple of years older than you but it wasn't unusual for parents to smack their children when I was a child, One slap from an otherwise loving mother does not make them an abusive mother or even a bad mother.

you say your father was abusive. Did he abuse her?

Yeah, good luck with being the perfect parent once your own child’s born. One day your child will be on here judging things that happened 20 odd years ago. Was it ideal behaviour from your Mum? - no, but honestly, if this is the worst thing that has happened to you then you’re very lucky. Move on.

Your DM did assault you, and regardless of how she justifies it by claiming how you were as a teen, means she has not learnt the error of her ways.

She should not have slapped you, it was wrong of her and she has not got the balls to own up to it.

Which does not give you closure.

Over time, this kind of abuse is the stuff of nightmares and could potentially be PTSD, especially as the memory is repeating in your mind.

She is human and like the rest of us had made a mistake.

The bit I'm concerned about is that she tried to gaslight you and that is as an adult and it's something that made you question your reality.

I would accept and forgive if as a one off she had slapped you and owned up to it apologised like asap and explained why and worked very hard on herself to be a better parent but go lie about it and make you think it wasn't even real is absolutely cruel. I think id have to go low or no contact for this!