AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

I have been a consultant psychiatrist for almost 30 years. The OP‘s childhood absolutely sounds abusive and I would not be surprised if she wasn’t left with symptoms of trauma, and her mother’s slap has become part of that picture. I never diagnose people on the Internet, but I would absolutely not dismiss the OP‘s childhood as something that could not cause PTSD or complex PTSD. We have moved on from thinking that you can only get PTSD from bombs and shootings.

i can remember my mum slapping me when I was about 15. I don’t hold it against her. She died when she was 59, nearly 7 years ago. She was absolutely amazing and lovely but she was also only human and made mistakes.

This

My mum regularly slapped me around the head as a child. I am 49, so this was the 80’s. It wasn’t uncommon and I guess was of its time so I don’t judge my today’s standards or my own parenting style etc.

I slapped my 14 yo daughter (not in the face) after she repeatedly used the c-word after I had asked her not to several times. We are not a household where that is ever used or where swearing is acceptable.

I just completely snapped and while I felt very sorry and apologised to her it was so defiant, obnoxious and upsetting that I feel there was some mitigation there.

She hasn’t used the c-word since.

I think it depends if this was a one-off and how remorseful your mother is.

Ive been slapped as a teenager and I deserved it, certainly rained in my attitude.

Also, you edited this after personally attacking me.... quite impressive hypocrisy from someone claiming to be holier than thou

My mum slapped me once as a teenager. She was also generally just abusive and horrid throughout. Having my own children brought up so much for me about those experiences and how I wanted to be as a parent. My eldest is only 6 so I cannot relate to the teenage years yet but I can relate to being so overwhelmed I've thought about lashing out physically - difference being I have stopped myself every time, even if I have then yelled or walked away.

The thing that stands out to me most in your thread is that you've spoken to her about it multiple times. I could never ever ever even consider having that sort of discussion with my mum. I wonder whether that is actually indicative of a closer, more mutually respectful relationship than you are feeling right now. Only you can tell if it was a one off in an otherwise generally positive connection or if it was a symptom of something more.

What I will say is my mother is a much better grandmother than mother, but I still see flickers and as such she is not and won't ever be allowed my children on their own. That is my boundary and she knows why so has never challenged me on it, although makes snide comments all the time.

No it isnt. That's a very very modern take. And might be why school behaviour is out of control. Because of all the precious parents and their little darlings not understanding that there are rules and conventions that help society flow.

thats not an excuse and you know it.

Different time back then but we can definitely see the parallels in children's behaviour from then to now 😇

I hate to think what the children of these posters defending child abuse put up with at home, it’s incredibly sad. Nothing ever excuses hitting a child.

I didn't say a slap was normal.
I said: having unpleasant memories is normal.

I was taking the piss, but yes I changed my mind.

I was making the point that these small life events aren't PTSD. In the same way it's a bit full on for it to be 'sickening'

Same. Mine slapped me round the face, In front of friends. It was NYE. She had given me (13) and friends a small amount of alcohol and we helped ourselves to a small amount extra.
Seriously crappy parenting on her part all round.
I remember the terrible hurt and shame so clearly.
I made a mistake, yes. I was giddy and showing off. But I was a nice kid and meant no harm. She slapped me like she hated me and walked away.
She also slapped me aged 21 but that time I cornered her and told her if she ever hit me again I would hit her back twice as hard. She has always had a horrible aggressive temper and has never, to my knowledge, apologised for anything.

You said ‘did it give you ptsd?’ Then edited your comment straight after. Did you think we wouldn’t see you trivialising PTSD? Are you regretting showing your true colours?

Interesting edit you made on this post

My mum slapped me once, right across the face. I was being a horrible, nasty little cow.

I remember it sure, but I also remember that I was absolutely horrible and had pushed her to the end of her rope. I also remember how much she loved me, and that it was the one and only time she smacked me.

Don't know if she remembers it, because I wouldn't ever bring it up. It's not important to me. It sounds like it is to you, not because it was a one-off event that you provoked (as I did) but because you lived in a dysfunctional home and neither parent could or would accept their own behaviour.

I am sorry, and you're entitled to your feelings - but what do you want to happen? I think you may need to accept that your mum was an adult with things going on herself (as it sounds like your dad was abusive in more ways than one) and she may not have made the best decisions or been in the best place herself. We're all only here for the first time, she was just a mum like you're going to be a mum. She was probably so ashamed. You don't mention how your relationship is now other than she has never fully accepted she did that?

Did you read OP's post?

@Yesitsweird I never thought I'd see the day on mumsnet when support for a woman who'd been hit as a child is disparaged as virtue-signalling and performative empathy. Not to mention all the people falling over themselves to make excuses for her abuser. It's sickening.

The slap isn’t even half the problem. The lying - for years and years, making your own daughter doubt her version of the truth - is the bit that causes the trauma.

We are hard-wired to love our primary caregivers, but in the teenage years we start to test boundaries. All very normal, healthy even. Indicating in any way that slapping a child is ok is dead wrong. As a parent your job is hold the line, not lash out.

I’m sorry @fastfood if you were slapped or hurt, which makes you think this is normal or ok. It isn’t.

It’s understandable the OP is still upset about it; her primary caregiver broke her trust, then made it a thousand times worse by lying about it.

Yet another nasty and uncalled for comment. If you have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all!

Why are you still bringing it up now though after all these years ? Do you want drama ? It is not a big deal to have one slap off your mum surely ?
let it go !

I’m aghast at the number of people telling the OP to ‘get a grip’ and get over this incident when it happened in the context of a childhood which involving witnessing the ongoing abuse of her mother by an alcoholic father. It must have been an incredibly frightening moment when the person she relied on for safety slapped her hard in the face and used abusive language. She was a thirteen year old child!

Lots of compassion for the mother and what she was going through and why that might have caused her to lash out. Next to none for a child in a scary and destabilising home environment. And even blame because she was ‘making her mother late’ and potentially exhibiting difficult behaviour. The OP hasn’t actually described her behaviour, but if it was challenging it’s very likely a function of what was going on in the home. Witnessing domestic abuse in the home is recognised as a major adverse childhood life event with longterm impact.

We can have compassion for what the mother was experiencing whilst recognising that physical violence and verbal abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Even 20 years ago, a slap to the face and telling a child to “shut the fuck up” would have raised concerns. In reality, the OP grew up in a dysfunctional environment and unable to fully rely on any adult in her life to protect her. That’s not being ‘very lucky’ or something you can tell someone to just ‘get over’. She’s entitled to her feelings.