AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

Yes she shouldn't have lied about it for years and yes she should have apologised instead of making excuses.

What are you basing this on?

'UCL’s research found that physical punishment was still used by parents against more than 20% of 10-year-olds in 2020-21, and was likely to be more common against younger children in their preschool years.'

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2026/jun/11/children-hit-by-parents-more-likely-to-bully-others-research-finds

Guardian 11.6.26

Perhaps you deserved it

I started out reading this thread thinking a lot of posters must have been hit as teenagers by their parents. Now I'm thinking a lot of them must be the ones doing the hitting.

She did become quite emotional after confessing…
Otherwise, she is a gentle, loving and compassionate lady, so I can't understand it all. Not sure how to address it further with her...

Everyone makes mistakes. Your mum made a mistake that was unforgivable and damaging, a mistake so bad you think less of her for it. You don’t need to understand why she did it or even justify it and that’s ok. Humans are complex and floored.

It's staggering that comments like this are allowed to stand on this thread. Would you say that if a man hit a woman? Or if someone smacked their difficult elderly parent? Awful.

Over time, this kind of abuse is the stuff of nightmares and could potentially be PTSD, especially as the memory is repeating in your mind.

One slap, twenty years ago?

I'd imagine many of our parents faced much more punishments than we did. My South African cousins used to get corporal punishment in school in the 90s.

It was not a norm 20 years ago. Not at all.

You seem to have forgotten about the OP's childhood in a home where there was domestic abuse, in your half-assed analysis. Did you also forget about cPTSD when undertaking your extensive research using AI?

Also, if your father was perpetrating DV, then it was normalised in the situation and makes it more understandable that yur DM would resort to a physical outburst.
Personally, I wouldn't blame her for this.

Nothing horrible here, just common sense.

It's not as easy to leave an abusive partner as some people imagine.

Sometimes people are human @Ponoka7

Sorry, i suspect youve survived hell, but that isnt this xx

Parents hitting their chid is a particularly sensitive topic atm because it was seen as a normal thing to do in the past, now generally believed not to be okay (although it seems that plenty of parents do in fact hit their children).
I think that it's not until you are a parent yourself that you realise just how much stress one can be under.
I would be surprised if there are any parents alive who have never done any thing that they feel ashamed of, and would struggle to admit to.
I agree with the people saying, let it go.

The OP also lived in fear of her father. None of that has been recognised by her Mother, who had the intelligence and training to know she was damaging her DD's MH by staying.

It’s not even remotely the same.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My children have tested me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I have been pushed to my absolute limits. Being a parent is relentless, and thankless. And despite all of that, it is still the best thing that has ever happened to me and I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have my children.

Relationships between adults are nothing like that. If another adult behaved as my children do - the disrespect, not complying with reasonable requests, the constant boundary pushing, not respecting me saying no etc - it would probably be viewed as abuse tbh.

Thank you for responding :)

Well, for example, copilot says

PTSD is triggered by exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence, either directly, as a witness, through learning about it, or via repeated professional exposure.

DSM-5 Criterion A for PTSD
According to the DSM-5, a traumatic event must involve death, threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence.

I know the UK uses the ICD-10 rather than the DSM-5.

Would a one-off slap in this context meet this criteria? Or do you use a different criteria?

What about if someone says they are a bit OCD as they like things clean? Or a bit bipolar as they have mild moodswings.

Is sticking to the diagnostic framework and internationally approved definitions more important, or is it mostly vibes and not wanting to invaliate anyones perception of their symptoms? Where is the line that you would say: No this incident, while upsetting, is not severe enough to be the trauma incident in PTSD. I imagine Psychiatrists often have to say: No 'you don';t have this condition as you don't meet these diagnostic criteria', or is it very difficult to say that to people in distress.

@ByRoseSnake - I get your anger and need to question your relationship with her. That she hit you was awful but the gaslighting over years is far worse behaviour.

Like you say, you have some difficult conversations ahead of you if you want to salvage your relationship with her. She sounds remorseful which is a good start, at least. That she has finally owned it should at least bring you some peace and like you say, provides a basis on which to rebuild trust.

To the pp who said that some teenagers deserve to get hit - get away with you. They’re balls of hormones with little impulse control, an undeveloped prefrontal cortex and no life experience. It’s our job as adults to take that on the chin and set expectations and boundaries without resorting to smacking them. Because, y’know, we do have those things (edit - even if they really test us 😂)

Well, that’s a very vague question. What do you mean?

One off under provocation is different to routinely using it to control a teenager.

she should have apologised at that time and clearly bothered her given how she reacted.

i am totally utterly anti kids or anyone being hit but I’ve got teens and I know how it could happen in heat of moment. I hope I never reach that point.

It's not the same. I know how sexist that sounds. But mother-daughter relationships can be so intense and fraught at times in the teenage years especially..I think if a romantic relationship had that level of extreme intensity and depth to each emotional chokepoint it would be quite unhealthy. But it's really hard to find a comparable situation. Except maybe father-son relationships. Which also should NOT be violent. But can have very fraught competitive undercurrents during adolescence.

The problem is children use their relationships with their parents as a template for future relationships. So a parent repeatedly hitting their child risks then accepting abuse as adults. But I still don't think a mum hitting her daughter once is the same as a husband/wife hitting their partner once. I wouldn't do it myself. I understand why my mum did.

she has not got the balls to own up to it.

OP said she confessed to doing it

Jesus - are you always this horrible or did you lick a wasps nest today?

Not really. Sometimes they are so horrible and no words can bring them down from their anger. I would never do it myself and don’t think anyone else should but I could understand how someone has just reached the end of their tether and slapped and shouted in the heat of the moment just for the bad behaviour just to stop.

Ofcourse there are much better ways. But OPs mum lost it just once. I think she could be forgiven for that.

would these replies be a same if it was a husband slapping their wife?