AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

Obviously OP wasn't lucky. Her dad was abusive and OP and her mum walked on egg shells during her childhood. It was out of character when her mum slapped her hard in the face but her mum never apologised and pretty much gas-lighted OP into thinking that she'd made it up or exaggerated the harm and fear it caused her.

OP's mum was her safe person in an abusive home so the fact that she used physical violence on OP, even if only once, and then denied it for years wasn't acceptable.

This

Absolutely this. OP is so incredibly lucky that this is all she has to focus on.

OP YANBU whatsoever.....slapping you was physical abuse, telling you to shut the fuck up was verbal abuse.Scary she was a teacher too!Whatever she had going on at the time was not your fault or your burden to carry.She clearly failed you by not leaving your abusive father aswell.
She was the adult, you were a child.
The fact she has dismissed it all for so long and tried to gaslight you, aswell as the fact she became 'emotional' yet refused to apologise and recognise how much she hurt you, show remorse, or actually accept any wrongdoing, is typical 'poor me' behaviour and all very narcissistic.
The amount of posters condoning and excusing her behaviour is ridiculous.

Typical mumsnet unfortunately....victim blaming when it's a child/teen, making excuses for the parent, saying they deserved it etc, but if OP as a grown woman was saying her partner or another adult had slapped her it would be a whole different set of responses.

I feel for you @ByRoseSnake. Of course it was unacceptable behaviour. However, I feel for your mum too. It sounds as if she was under a huge amount of pressure and lost control on that one occasion. You say she is generally a gentle, loving and compassionate woman so this incident appears to be totally out of character. Everyone has their limits and makes horrible mistakes sometimes. Unfortunately, it sounds as if your mum has hidden what has happened from you and from herself, probably because she feels so terrible about it. This doesn't help you as you obviously want to discuss it and hear an apology. Can you raise it with her again, explain that you love her and forgive her and then explain how it has effected you? Might she be open to family counselling so that you can feel in a stronger place when you have your own family?

My eldest is nearing 20. It definitely wasn’t the norm, or acceptable, to hit children when he was a baby.

In the 80s, when I was growing up, yes it was common, but still not ok.

I disagree. I think there is a massive power imbalance between parent and child. Children are completely reliant on their parents for safety. Physically, emotionally, in every way possible. That makes it worse imo.
Children don’t have the option to not be in that relationship

Just something to consider,

The fact that she is trying to downplay it, might not just be her attempt to trick you or deceive you... it is probably also her attempt to trick and deceive herself.

She likely knows it was wrong, and felt very guilty about it, and has tried to avoid those feelings by minimizing it in her head - which is a very natural reaction to feelings of intense guilt, where we try and convince ourselves that it wasn't that bad etc.

None of this is saying that it was right or defensible, but just that people can view "downplaying" something as a sign that the other person doesn't recognize how serious it is, when in fact it is often the opposite and it is their method of coping because deep down they know how serious it is and can't handle that.

This all sounds very dramatic and naval gazing..

My teenage DD sometimes brings up the one major parenting fail I committed when she was about 5 even though it was a decade ago, she doesn’t want me to forget. She had been testing my limits all day long in a way only she could so I was at the end of my tether already. She then decided to intentionally slam DD2’s fingers in the door. I locked her out of the house. She sat screaming on the doorstep. I knew she was safe there but I couldn’t have her in the house anymore, I was terrified I would totally lose it with her. She was fine and not out there for long, it was also a warm dry day.

Parenting is tough. Sometimes you reach your limits and lash out. Your mum apologised. You probably were being an absolute dick, teenagers can be. I’d let her live it down since she was otherwise a decent, loving mother.

Not ok, but I think a huge part of your feelings around this are wrapped up in how she handled it afterwards. Had she said ‘I’m so sorry I did that. I was massively stressed and angry, mostly about things that are nothing to do with you at all, and I should not have done that.’ It would have gone a huge way to helping you move past it. But unfortunately your Mum just wasn’t in a position to do that at the time, with what was going on in her own life, and she presumably felt ashamed and guilty and just wanted to forget it. Ironically she’d have done less damage but just getting it out in the open and talking to you about it- her pretending it didn’t even happen has almost down more damage than the actual slap itself. I think most children who’ve been through issues really just want parents to acknowledge it, and be honest and talk about it- and your Mum is still sadly unable to do that.

Jesus fucking christ.

So many people far too proud of hitting their children here. "It couldn't possibly cause trauma". Horrific.

I thunk you need to cut your mum some slack and move on. It sounds as though she was at the end of her tether and is embarrassed by it

@ByRoseSnake I would love to know how old your mum is. I was slapped by my parents in the 1970s when it was seen as “normal” but anytime later than this I thought habits had changed so I’m surprised that someone as young as you was hit. I’m sorry you went through this. I never forgot/forgave.

I think most kids born in the 80s will have been spanked at some point.

Maybe it's time the youth of today spared some thought for the massive trauma most boomers will have surely endured. People love to wang on about how lucky they are to have been able to afford to buy a house on one salary etc. But we never hear about the PTSD which must be at epidemic levels.

Why is that a 'disgusting' thing to say? Naturally you are entitled to your opinion, however teenage children can push parents to the limit. It might even be a sign of a healthy relationship, ie the pulling away necessary to form an independent identity from a parent. Labelling discussion on this topic as ' disgusting ' has the effect of closing down any meaningful debate on this subject, which a lot of posters have contributed interesting and thought provoking input. I hadn't realised how common this experience was.,( adolescent girls being slapped in the face by their mothers) The poster did not actually act upon her impulse, I would be more interested in finding out from her how/why she restrained herself. I am not condoning physical violence in any form, but surely discussing the subject in a nuanced way is a better way to understand why it happens, and in this posters case why it didn't happen. A thought is not an act. In some cultures it was traditional for a mother to slap a daughter across the face when her periods began. Again to cover myself, I do not condone violence in any form, but I wonder if any studies have been done into this practice?

As someone that suffers with CPTSD which is multiple traumas, I really find your post offensive.

Like a PP has said ptsd trauma is significant trauma, not a clout round the face when being an obnoxious teenager. No wonder the system is fucked, amount of people i come across with "ptsd" with stories like the OP just make me want to cry.

Everyone's brain will create a trauma response when the brain is threatened, thats what us humans do. Just the same as everyone has anxiety, everyone has fight, flight or freeze responses. I imagine the OP and her mum both created one, for different reasons, guilt, anger, shame, especially if mum was also being abused at home. In fact mum is more likely to have ptsd hence her constant dismissal....because the brain doesnt want to remember.

The genuine people living with it day in day out, the intrusive thoughts, suicide idealisation, the depression, the procrastination can be debilitating when you are in the throws of an episode and yet cannot access the help they need because every man and his dog has PTSD, the same as everyone has ADHD. Amd then use it as an excuse for shit behaviour. Dont get me wrong, I have had my moments but my actions are mine and I know I have a choice and concequences if i act on them.

OP, you say youve recently found out you are pregnant, I would say, from experience, this is why its weighing heavily on you. I am sure there are 100s of women here born 60-90s that vowed the child would not have the same upbringing as we did. Its normal, its your maternal instinct.

As a survivor of rape, when I had my first daughter, my then undiagnosed PTSD went rocket high because I thought i wasnt good enough to protect her. My trauma just repeated it over and over and then the intrusive thoughts of someone raping her took over. I wanted to wrap her in cotton wool and hide her, looking back I must have come across as unhinged. Hormones are a bitch.

Surprised by these replies. You were a child. If you had a horrid dad your other parent slapping you round the face must have made you feel very alone.

If this is the most traumatic thing your mum did then move on. It's not right but a one off slap is not PTSD trauma level like suggested. That's ridiculous.

Bit different from one slap as a teenager

And yet what do people say when it's the teenagers hitting parents. ?? Full of excuses for them

I think it was. I'm a similar age to OP and about 60% of my school friends were hit by their parents as punishment. I was!

I don't think it's right whatsoever, but it used to be very very common.

My Dad hit me and my siblings as punishment regularly throughout my childhood in the UK. My parents were both hit as children too and so were probably 60% of the kids at my school. I was born in the early 90s so similar age to you!

Personally, I don't think one slap is a huge thing if she was otherwise a good mum. I've obviously never hit my kids (and it's thought of as unacceptable nowadays) but it was sadly reaaaallly common when people our age were kids.