AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

I don't have a 6ft teenager and never walloped any of my kids but I've seen the excuses for them on here. And if it was a 6 ft adult the police would remove them

I dont think that was the point being made at all. If your 6ft teenager is walloping you, they are 100% abusing you and you do whatever you need to protect yourself.

[Hopefully you didnt wallop that same 6ft teen when they were a toddler and you were a fully-grown adult?]

The bottom-line is no-one deserves to experience physical violence in their home.

You are right actually. We behaved in class but there was more violence on the playground (punished by more violence in my Junior School by the Head teacher.) And kids seemed nastier to each other

Oh there was plenty of more serious crime & violence back then, too, but that was more the older kids. I'm talking about primary school playgrounds, in every break time.

But you are expected to put up with a 6ft teenager walloping you one in your own home.

Yes, knife crime is so much more palatable!

Way way to much navel gazing about this stuff. Why does everyone have to analyse every single little part of their lives ? To what benefit ?
Child abuse is one thing and needs prosecution and safeguarding .
A one off event with a teen by someone under severe duress. Of course she’s embarrassed. It’s not necessary to discuss everything, it is ok to ‘sweep under the mat’ sometimes. If your mum has been otherwise kind, loving and supportive, then cherish her - don’t make her life miserable.

I agree with all this.

Are you genuinely comparing OP's teenage behaviour (according to OP's mum she was an obnoxious teenager who made her late for work) to raping someone or assaulting someone in the street?

Rape and assault are criminal offences normally punishable by imprisonment. Making your mum late for work is not a criminal offence and shouldn't be punishable by physical violence which is what OP's mum did.

A slap on the spur of the moment by a stressed mum is understandable. The denial of reality and refusing to acknowledge what she had done is what OP is upset about.

We don't know whether OP still has a relationship with her abusive father.

Of course it's not OK. Elder abuse is a real problem and some adults are horrible and sadistic and it's an awful situation for an older vulnerable person to be in. But, in a scenario say where an adult child had been the sole carer for an elderly demanding parent or one with dementia with all the emotional stuff that comes with that and they got to the point where they really wanted toslap their parent that alone wouldn't make them evil/sadistic/a bad person or child. I think if it escalated to eg someone suddenly losing control and shouting at the parent that would not be OK. It would be a sign the situation had reached absolute crisis point and needed urgent intervention. But even there I don't think it means the adult child is bad/evil. Different if it was something that happened more than once or done casually.

I also dont think that OP’s mother experiencing DV should be used as a mitigating factor. She had the power to leave and chose to stay and expose OP to this. I agree with another PP who said that women who stay with violent men rather than removing their children are in collusion with the violence.

I also agree with a PP who said that once OP becomes a parent, a lot of feelings and memories from her own childhood may surface as often we defend our parents whilst we are childless and see everything from their perspective. That becomes harder when youre comparing their behaviour to you with how you would react with your own child.

And op had a wonderful childhood with both parents too busy to notice op was a child and needed their support not neglect and anger.

Why has she never acknowledged or apologised for this act? This has haunted me and it was the last thing I needed as a teenager already frightened of my dad, who was generally worse.

You need to tell her exactly this.

I grew up in the 70s-80s when most of us were routinely smacked as kids. The behaviour was pretty awful. Quiet in class, maybe, but in the playground there was so much bullying, whacking other kids, fights, hair-pulling ... and all the under-the-desk stuff that went on so the teachers couldn't see - pinching, "Chinese burns", etc. Casual violence was just a normal part of life.

So glad we've moved on from that

What’s a literal child?

No smacking children in those days was completely normal. It doesn’t seem right now but then children have no discipline these days so makes you wonder

What about if in a few years when OP’s mother is older and needs her support, she drives OP to the end of her tether and OP slaps her? Is that ok?

I find it hard to understand why parents are permitted to lose their cool with children/teenagers when they’re vulnerable but it’s not acceptable the other way around. It’s almost like children & teens dont properly count. But, in terms of the psychological damage, it is worse as things that happen to you before you are 15 can actually change your personality.

[To be clear, I am not slapping anyone. My point is that it is not less abhorrent because it’s your child].

If an adult slaps another adult in the face they could face criminal prosecution for common assault. I don't see how the victim being literal child makes it any more acceptable.

A one off smack.... I would say get over it!

I do think that (long-term abuse situations aside) a mother slapping a 14 year old daughter has a nuanced difference to a father slapping his daughter, or a 14 year old boy slapping his mother, or a woman slapping her elderly mother because whilst there is the mental power imbalance, physically they are pretty equal (I was basically the same height as my mum by 14, whereas my son is much bigger and stronger than me)

No, it's not right, she shouldn't have done it, it wouldn't leap to my mind to slap anyone at all, but at the time, women slapping was seen as the one physical attack allowed them (in a time where physical attack was more commonplace).

@ByRoseSnake Your own motherhood is going to blow the lid off your childhood. It did mine.

you are not your mother, you will see what love is and your child will trust you.

you got this

Yanbu.

i was born in 68. My sister in 70.

our childhood was not the way I brought my DS up.

both parents hit us.

I can remember getting a call from a female relative, uncontrollably sobbing. I literally thought someone had died. When she calmed down she said she had slapped her daughter across the face and she felt like the shittiest mum around.

Its obviously not acceptable and you shouldn't blame someone elses behaviour for uour action/reaction. However teenagers can be bloody awful and push the buttons.of parents. Personally i can tecall my younger DSis (who was a bloody good kid) coming in and just goadibg my DM and I would be sitting trying to give her the eye thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Your DM was sitting in trauma and trying to cope, to keep herself , and you safe from.an abusive father/husband.

She should not have lied but that has probably come from a place of immense shame and guilt, becoming the parent who hurt their child, like the one she was trying to protect you from. Please dont think the lie was to cover up her actions and that it was probably more a.self preservation act.

I think i would try and draw a line under it, maybe you could thank her for telling the truth eventually, uou could say how the lie has upset you but you recognise now rhat she wasnt in a healthy place at all. And hopefully you can move on.
Congratulations on being pregnant and I hope that uou can all go on to have a wonderful relationship.

YABU

I am fully against smacking but only because it is used as an excuse to abuse children.

If I found out my DC had raped someone, I would absolutely slap them.

I am against physical violence but if someone tried assaulting me in the street, then I’d absolutely slap them too.

So it’s not black and white.

Your feelings are valid but she didn’t abuse you, she hit you.

You grew up experiencing child abuse but from your violent father - do not take things out on the parent who didn’t abuse you.

Have you questioned your father about his behaviour as much as you’ve questioned your mother?

No!
Those are the findings for 2020-2021!
Also , I don’t think you can call 20% and more for younger children a small minority.
Plus, that’s people admitting to it.