AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

All parents make poor choices.

I don't think my parents were abusive, but they both made occasional choices that were abusive and have stayed with me. I think the fact that specific occasions from my early childhood stick with me does imply that they were one-offs, surprises - not a pattern of abuse.

She should not have slapped you and in no way am I defending that she did. It was unacceptable and clearly still bothers you 20 years on. The glazing over/"forgetting" part is very like my mother, who remembers things very differently to how I do.

Could you write to her about it? Sometimes in the moment you won't get anything but defensiveness. But given time to think and consider, she may actually respond to what she did.

I’m sorry to hear this, OP, its the hardest when people who should be most loving and caring towards you, do something like this.

Your childhood sounds similar to mine. My dad slapped me on the face hard similar age and it was the last time he physically abused me. No one has spoken about it since. I know I will never do that to my own child and my dad is on his last legs anyway. Don’t feel much for him or my mum truth be told after my horrible childhood, but we keep up a surface level relationship.

I think a lot of people will bring their adverse childhood experiences to this thread.

I firmly believe there is a difference between a parent giving the odd smack and 'abuse'. If this was a one off, I would leave it. This isn't your mother casually beating you on the regular throughout your childhood.

My mum slapped me a couple of times as a teenager - I don't really remember it very well. I was horrendously rude at times and honestly I don't blame her.

This

I honestly honestly do not think this is the 'stately homes' kind of situation

It seems the dad was abusing the mum, and she lost it - and then carried on being a good mum

Sorry, op, but i think you should make an effort with your mum x

Youve said above that youre pregnant which explains this. Dont cut your mum out, or punish her now. You will need her when that baby comes and you see that its not all black and white.

All the best x

It’s not great but if it were a one off then I wouldn’t hold it against her. Didn’t most of us get slapped or hit sometimes as kids?

That's true, but it sounds like this was the only episode and it was when slapping children was legal.

I'm not saying it's ok, of course it isn't. But I have certainly had moments I regret as a parent. Parents are only human, you can't be the benign affable punching bag all the time

My mum once threw a tv remote at my face at age 13. It was very painful.

She also later hit me hard around the back of the head while I was sat on the sofa once. It was unexpected and a complete shock because I didn’t see her coming. It caused my ears to ring. I jumped up immediately, stood in her face and said in pure fury, “don’t you ever hit me again” before running upstairs to my room.

She never apologised, nor did we speak about it again. She also never hit/hurt me again. It’s only those two times I really remember, both around age 13.

I moved on and forgave her, but it affected our relationship for a good few years. I’m over double the age now, and I still feel angry and resentful at times. I have no desire to air the issue now though. We get on well enough and I recognise she was under a lot of stress at the time. I just vowed to never treat my own children the same way.

My mam slapped me once when I was a teenager. Im 43 now and when I look back I can see why. I was unbelievable cheeky as a teen. I didnt see it that way then but as the mother of teen girls who is now on the receiving end of their mood swings, i understand why she snapped.

"I do still struggle with anyone touching or coming near my face ever since.

1 slap in an otherwise loving childhood, this is a ridiculous over reaction. And an insult to children going through real abuse. Get a bloody grip OP.

Children who live with DV are now seen as experiencing significant harm. Being a school teacher means she was aware of that. Dads can be abusive, but Mums keep the children in that abuse and is now seen as collusion. That needs acknowledgement from the OP's Mother. It seems the Mother had a fantasy about what sort of childhood she'd given her DD. The topic "but we took you to stately homes" probably sums up the OP's situation.

@ByRoseSnake so she didn't appologise? How old is she? You've been fobbed off. It sounds as though she didn't protect you and that needs addressing.

Never is it acceptable to assault a child. Slapping child regardless of how much they have pushed your buttons is abuse.

I imagine she lied as she was deeply ashamed.
If this was the only episode in the context of being a good mum, I would just let it go.

Think back - did she slap you and tell you to stfu after you had politely strapped yourself in and said 'thank you for giving me a lift mummy'

Or were you being vile.

I think sometimes the most powerful lesson you can have as a teenager is you can only push things so far before people snap.

Ever considered it was always glazed over because your mother herself had a trauma response and suppressed that memory or was embarrassed/consumed with guilt?

If this was a regular occurrence then youd be getting different responses.

Were you always making her late for work? You say you remember the contact, the pain.....what about the conversation that was happening at the time for your mum to reach breaking point? Or have you buried that so you played no part in it?

I had this too. From as young as I can remember.. slapping, punching and shoving.
I tried to discuss it years ago, always dismissed, minimised or it never happened.

We're not close, rarely see her.

The worst part is, it shaped my entire life. Lots of mistrust, not able to hold down relationships because I was always self sabotaging.

Maybe things could have been different if she admitted fault, but never did.

My mum lost it and slapped me round the face once too! Totally shit of her, but she was a great mum the rest of the time. I wouldn’t raise it with her now. I think it would devastate her to think that that’s a core memory, considering how much she sacrificed and provided for me.

The further I get into my own motherhood journey the more I appreciate how hard and utterly thankless it can be!

She did it once. It sounds like she was completely at the end of her tether. Just let it go. Saying that you still don’t like people touching your face is a bit dramatic. She knows it wasn’t her finest hour and is probably fed up of you digging for an apology. Have you any recollection of what you did to drive her to distraction? You were probably being an obnoxious teenager. Just stop. Let it go. Move on. It was one momentary lapse in judgement. She was probably hormonal and filled with rage. You pushed her buttons and got it full pelt. Not trying to race to the bottom but you do know that plenty of people were hit hard on a regular basis by their parents? This was one time. Maybe that’s why it stands out so much to you? It was out of the ordinary. But it’s done. Can’t be undone, but can be forgiven and forgotten.

Incredibly strange if you to blame a child and insinuate it was their own fault for being assaulted. If someone slapped you, would you be okay if I claimed you must have done something to deserve it?

I hear you OP. My mother thought nothing of publicly slapping my face for the most trivial of reasons and to this day, is bizarrely proud of it. It was abuse, pure and simple.

YANBU.

My mum did this once, at a similar age. My instant reaction was that I slapped her back.

Obviously I am not proud of this. It was never brought up again but I am NC with her now as our relationship has always been problematic.

My mistake @OnTheTop , she owned up and was embarrassed by having done so.

Honestly op, I feel for her a little bit. Why now? Are you having a baby yourself, or getting married?

'Hopefully I can maintain/build a more honest and compassionate relationship with her in the near future. Difficult conversations'

seems quite cold to me. Shes your mum whose survived abuse, held down a job and seen you through to the age 34 - dunno, i think I would move on from this and forgive her

My mum slapped me round the face when I was 13/14 but goodness me looking back I don’t know how my mum didn’t put me in care I was a rude little madam with an attitude. I ruined every occasion or anything nice my parents tried to do for us.
It was a one off my parents never smacked us as children ever so I must have really pushed my mums buttons that day my parents also had money problems when I was young so I’m guessing she also was at the end of her tether.
I have never spoke about it and neither as my mum, we are very close now I am older.

Its not clear whether she has apologised? She has given you reasons as to why she lost her temper, but I suspect if she could give you a heartfelt apology it would help you move on.