AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

The whole picture includes that the OP was also growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive home with an alcoholic father who subsequently died. That’s traumatic for a child and young person. I’m unsure why so many posters are so quick to jump to the defence of the mother given what she was going through, yet the OP is being derided as immature and navel gazing for struggling with some very difficult episodes in her life. Both deserve understanding, including how awful it would have been for a child to have been slapped hard across the face and told to ‘shut the fuck up’ in the context of everything else that was happening.

I think you are way over thinking this OP. It was a long time ago - you may have been going through puberty and been a terror like so many teens and she snapped. Unless it was a repeated pattern of behaviour I would likely have moved on ages ago.

My mum slapped me once when I was 13/14. She had never raised a hand to me previously or threatened me physically. I was being an obnoxious little shit, I was bored and just following her from room to room trying to get a rise out of her. No idea why I was acting like that, it was not my normal behaviour, but for some inexplicable reason that day I had just morphed into a sarcastic, mean, petulant horribe child. After hours of this she finally snapped and slapped me across my face and screamed 'shut up' which caught me totally by surprise. She then burst into tears and sat on the sofa sobbing. I ran to my room in tears too. I realised she was human and falable and simply did not deserve the shite I had been heaping on just because I was at a loose end. She apologised to me and we hugged. I felt absolutely awful for weeks as I didn't think she had done anything wrong.

I think it shows a lack of maturity to be so focused on this one incident as an adult. As an adult, you have the ability to step back and see the whole picture—specifically, that your mother was under extreme stress due to an abusive marriage.

I also disagree with the posters who believe it was easy to leave an abusive relationship back then. It is only within the last 20 years that society has truly started supporting domestic abuse survivors. In the 1990s and early 2000s, there was very little support from the police, and almost no financial assistance for women trying to escape abusive partners.

Of course, her behavior wasn't right, and I am sure she deeply regrets how she acted. However, this excessive navel-gazing is certainly not doing you any favors moving forward.

Dreadful responses from you.

Sorry for the delay. In the context of a loving relationship, it is unlikely that one slap would cause enough trauma to lead to a diagnosis of PTSD. However, one slap in the context of an extremely chronically abusive home, could definitely lead to a PTSD diagnosis or complex PTSD.

And yes, we tell people that they don’t satisfy criteria all the time, but there is a sensitive way of doing it. You can still note their traits but perhaps they do have not the full diagnosis at this point. However they clearly have needs that we need to try and support them with.
And diagnosis and needs can change over time too.

People often think they have bipolar and I have to discuss it with them and say whether or not I think they do have that. We don’t have many people saying they are a bit OCD. By the time they come to me, it is fairly clear they have OCD usually.

Oh that is HORRIBLE. I am so sorry. These days she would be punished for that, and rightly so. I can't believe what a lot of children from previous generations had to put up with.

Slapping someone round the face is HORRIBLE. If she was going to hit you - never OK, of course - she should have smacked your arm or leg or butt. There's just something SO vicious about slapping someone's face. I would find it hard to forget about that. I think it would have changed my relationship with that parent forever, inside me. I'm so sorry that happened to you. She was bang out of order and there is no acceptable provocation for that.

Hitting you on the head, and hard enough to knock you flying, is totally unacceptable. You can seriously injure someone like that, like causing a stroke. Even kill them if you hit their head the wrong way. My friends and I were all occasionally smacked in the 70s/80s, but it was on the bum over clothes and never hard enough to hurt later or anything. Punching someone in the head and knocking them off their feet is really abusive. I'm sorry that happened to you. ☹️ I think parents like that should be arrested on historic child abuse charges. 🤬🤬🤬

I was at school 1979-1993 and I don't remember any violence.

There was some at home, though...And absolutely, I and all my friends were smacked. But on the bum and over clothes, and nothing hard enough to leave a mark beyond some temporary redness. Nothing like the punching and slapping described on this thread. 😱

If your partner behaved to you as many children sometimes do you'd leave them. You are not legally responsible for your partner's care, life and behaviour in the same way as you are your children, neither can you discipline them by eg removing their phone, putting them in time out etc. The comparison doesn't really work. People make all sorts of bad decisions when overcome by emotions. What of the parent who says a hurtful thing that rankles years later. Would you forgive that if it was a one off? I would. We're all only human

I think your Mum was in an extremely stressful situation and was at the end of her tether and she is snapped and made a poor decision at one point. You say yourself that she has otherwise been a good Mum. I really think you should let this go and not keep bringing it up with her. She is only human, she did the best she could with what she had at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but when she was in that situation it must have felt so overwhelming and hopeless.

I was a 90s kid and my mum slapped me when I was throwing a tantrum. I still remember the slap and I know my mum regretted it. We have a good relationship though because other than this, she has been a loving mum.

It's never acceptable to hit a child. So of course it was wrong. I'm very pleased that it is now socially unacceptable to hit a child but that wasn't always the case and parents are not saints they make mistakes.
Was it a one off? Generally do you think she was a good parent? Did you have a happy childhood?
If it was a on off I think you should forget it. Perhaps she was going through the menopause was particularly stressed that day, had reached the end of her tether, perhaps she has blocked it out.
Honestly I think you should move on and focus on your life now.

I think we need to remember that our parents are human just like we are. I would never hit my kids, but I think we have more support and understanding on the effects these days. I am a similar age to you and it was normal for many teens to expect a slap if really badly behaved. I'm sure if your Mum had asked for advice on here at the time many would have advised that. It sounds you regularly making your Mum late for work and putting her at risk of losing her job whilst in an abusive relationship was traumatic for her and she reached the end of her tether. Move on and focus on the relationship you both have now.

I am guessing you punish your kids in this way.

I am amazed too. The slapping incident might be once but op was also living in a chaotic household as a child in fear of her father. OP’s mother could have accepted, and that validation would have provided some relief to op and they could move on. But finally when she accepted, she put the blame on op for being a horrible child.

I would say well deserved.

I feel the same. I had a similar childhood to you including a mentally ill mother who tried to kill me when I was 11 which gave me actual diagnosed PTSD. I have never blamed my childhood for my current reality, not since I was 20. My mother was ill and I forgave her and we became close again. People are not perfect. I don't think what her mother did is excusable at all but it was once under extreme stress. She should have apologised at the time though sincerely and that would have helped. But my point is that if she was otherwise a great mum, just focus on that and give her a break.

He's long dead.

I'm nothing special just practicial. Like shit happens deal with it

This is awful.....so sorry you went through such horrific abuse....you have no reason to forgive her, ESPECIALLY without remorse or apology.She was an adult and should have protected you, not inflicted the same pain she had experienced on her innocent child, then blamed you for it!

You are a very strong and exceptional person to have gone through that as a child and then become a parent. I hope the family member was locked away for a very long time (I actually hope theyre rotting in Hell) and you have found peace. Youve done an exceptional job in life to overcome what you did.

Hmm really? I can't say I did all that before having my child.

And I had a mum who left when I was young, SA from.a family member at8 and went through the care system as a teen before living alone at 17. I've certainly never felt the need to bleat how hard done by I was.

I think we are 100% in agreement that this would be the correct response (removal by the police).

I just don’t think this has much relevance to OP’s experience. There’s no suggestion she ever raised her hand to her mother.

And, here, I think her mum did let her down badly - both through failing to protect her from DV and through slapping her.

Some people have been describing her examination of the past as “navel-gazing” but I think this is unfair when she is now having her own child. When you become a parent, you have to evaluate your past experience of parenting (as a child) and decide which patterns you want to break. This does make you re-evaluate your own parents’ behaviour with a focus on the child’s perspective - i think its necessary and healthy preparation. Lots of people also go to therapy before becoming a parent and I also think that is healthy and responsible. Anyone who is a parent knows that having children can trigger parts of you that you didnt even realise were broken.