AIBU to wonder if our shared money arrangement is unusual?

One account and we share everything. It’s a marriage - we are in it together, trust each other and manage finances together.

or to have a partner dictating how much I could spend each month out of my salary, once bills etc are accounted for, or potentially picking over how many coffees or clothes I buy.

Who says they do? That is your interpretation of it

We don't have a joint account, but we do share money. He earns more than I do, so pays for more than I do. I have no idea about what percentage of his income is for personal spending. Nor him about mine.

This used to be the standard.
The man would bring home the pay packets (preferably unopened) and the woman would be responsible for managing the budget.
She would give him an allowance for his beer and cigarettes and any incidental expenses.
I find your arrangement old fashioned- but in a good way.

I think a joint account for household spending and personal accounts for personal spending is very common.

The uncommon bit is that your DH has no interest - I think that's a really bad idea for one person in a couple to have no idea about family finances. What would he do if you were taken ill (for example). He should at least have an idea as to where your money goes.

I can't get my head round not being financially independent or to have a partner dictating how much I could spend each month out of my salary, once bills etc are accounted for, or potentially picking over how many coffees or clothes I buy.

Though really the important things are trust, how much disposable income you have and similar attitudes to money/what level of control you are each comfortable with. Beyond that how you manage it between you is up to you.

We did similarly to this until we had DC. As our budget was quite tight, we both liked being able to make "fun" choices without it impacting each other. For example, I could choose to spend more money on a night out, knowing that meant I couldn't buy any work lunches/coffees for a while. I wouldn't have done that if it would impact what DP could buy (and vice versa)

Once we had DC, we found it became a bit complicated, so now just have joint accounts.

Sounds like a very common arrangement to me, but it wouldn't suit everyone.

I would find it irritating personally if DH outsourced all of the money management to me, and I suspect he would feel likewise if it were reversed. I don't think it's healthy but each to their own.

Sounds very much like what we do. I’m 40. The controversial bit for us I think is that we did this in our early 20’s when we weren’t married but had bought our first house together.

My husband doesn’t deal with any of this either and I he cldnt guess to the nearest thousand how much savings we have. He knows we have a decent amount though.

I think this is quite common. It is exactly how my parents arrange their finances, and have done since they married 50 years ago.
We don't arrange our money that way. We have a set amount we each contribute from our salaries, which covers all bills and savings, then the rest belongs to each individual. It works because we both earn the same amount. If there was a big disparity, it wouldn't. Its partly because I don't like the feeling of being given "spending money" and having to agree with my husband on the cost of things above those "spends."
For example, I like really nice clothes and shoes. If I want to spend $3000 on a MaxMara coat, I want to be able to just do it. I have a strong resistance to anyone else telling me what I can and can't do.
My husband doesn't spend much, isn't interested in clothes, and often puts what remains of his salary into one of our savings accounts. I appreciate this, of course.
If an expense comes up that is well above the usual amount we contribute each month, we each put more in to cover it, again 50/50. This month we paid for my son's hockey fees for the season, which came to about $6000 total, so we put more in. We also could have taken it from savings.

Well I am the dp in this case. I love it. I was a sp for many a year and had to deal with everything. I love that we put in an equal amount but he sorts out all dds and things. He's a practical capricorn, so works for him too 😂

We have kept our money separate for 40 years - it works well.
But it doesn't matter whether what you do is usual or unusual - if it suits both of you, then it's absolutely fine. There are no rules.

I’m sure it’s perfectly common, it really just depends how it suits you as a couple.

We have separate finances and I certainly couldn’t be doing with shouldering the entire responsibility of budgeting and booking and paying, but if you’re both happy with how things are worked out then it doesn’t matter how other people prefer to do it.

We pay our salaries into our own accounts but have a standing order each which goes into the joint account which covers mortgage, bills, food and general joint expenditure. So a bit like the OP but the opposite way round with joint/personal funds.

I think how people manage their finances depends on how tight money is & your shared goals.

I think people in your position often pool because there isnt loads spare, you need to plan together.

DH and I earn lots, we dont bother pooling into one account because it's just never been necessary, we can each comfortably chuck our half of the bills into the account & have plenty over. We've bought our forever home & dont have a particular savings goal atm so joint planning isnt really needed atm.

What do you think is unusual about it?
I'd imagine lots of couples do this.

We do this too

I cannot get my head around his and hers money when you are sleeping with someone, running a house and raising a family together.

I transfer money across, every month and my dp takes care of all bills, cars, utilities, insurance, etc. We have joint acc and savings acc. We also have seperate savings acc. If we're short or whatever we tell each other we are taking out of the joing acc. This works perfectly for us

I’d find it hard to respect a man like that

We dont do his and her money.

Everything into one account and all bills paid out of that.