Page 6 | AIBU to think not every school issue should be labelled SEN?

Emily3325 · 2026-09-14T15:38:37+00:00

I feel like lately absolutely everything that happens in schools is being viewed through the lens of SEN. For context I’ve worked in education for over a decade across settings and provisions. A child is naughty in class - SEN. A child cries at playtime - SEN. A child struggles with something, immediately we’re looking at what additional provision they might need. And don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that some children genuinely have additional needs and absolutely need support and reasonable adjustments. That’s not what I’m arguing against. What I’m finding frustrating is that it feels like we’re getting to the point where normal childhood behaviour is being treated as evidence that something must be wrong. The recent DfE announcement about changes to school food standards is a good example. Almost immediately, the discussion seems to become ^“but what about SEN children who won’t eat those foods?”^ Obviously there are children with genuine sensory or medical needs who will need individual arrangements. But surely we can have healthier expectations for children generally while making appropriate exceptions for those who genuinely need them? And I think it’s actually becoming a problem for everyone. My partner teaches a class of 30. There is one child who is constantly extremely disruptive — we’re talking about repeatedly slamming doors hard enough to crack the glass in the door. The parents believe he has ADHD, but he doesn’t have a diagnosis. The school has tried to work with them and has discussed whether the child could access the school’s resource hub, but the parents feel that doing so would be discriminatory. They also don’t want to pursue a diagnosis or come into school to work with the school on a plan. I’m not saying the child ^doesn’t^ have additional needs. He might. I don’t know. But while everyone is arguing about whether he has SEN, 29 other children are having their lessons repeatedly disrupted. And that’s not fair on them either. It’s not fair on the teacher. And actually, it’s not fair on the child himself, because he’s clearly struggling and isn’t getting an effective solution either. That’s what I find so frustrating. Everyone loses. The children who don’t have SEN lose learning time. Children who genuinely do have SEN can struggle to get the specialist support they need because resources are stretched. Teachers are expected to somehow manage increasingly complex needs in mainstream classrooms. And children who are struggling can end up stuck without appropriate support because nobody seems willing to make a decision until there’s a diagnosis. I also think we’ve got to be careful about lowering expectations in the name of inclusion. Sometimes a child is genuinely unable to do something because of a disability and absolutely needs an adjustment. But sometimes a child is just upset. Sometimes they’re being naughty. Sometimes they don’t like the school dinner. Sometimes they have to learn that they can’t always get their own way. Not every difficult moment needs an SEN explanation. And I honestly think we’ve reached a point where we’re doing all children a disservice by treating everything this way. AIBU?

Original poster

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:52

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:47

How are any of these things I listed acceptable within a classroom? To have a 9 year old child demanding that from when they enter the classroom no other children can stand up to get anything because the noise of the chair distresses them, that adults in the classroom cannot ask them to be quiet or that staff must remove their lanyards. Otherwise that child won’t come into the classroom, all this being done whilst I’ve left my TA in charge and I’m standing at this child’s car. That isn’t reasonable adjustments

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Just to add this child would hit other children, laugh and walk out of the classroom. If they were spoken to about their behaviour they would then cry and parents would be in the next day blaming their diagnosis and school

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BugJuice · 15/09/2026 10:51

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:47

How are any of these things I listed acceptable within a classroom? To have a 9 year old child demanding that from when they enter the classroom no other children can stand up to get anything because the noise of the chair distresses them, that adults in the classroom cannot ask them to be quiet or that staff must remove their lanyards. Otherwise that child won’t come into the classroom, all this being done whilst I’ve left my TA in charge and I’m standing at this child’s car. That isn’t reasonable adjustments

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But how is that the child’s fault? If they’re in an unsuitable environment to meet the needs of their disability, then the fault is on the government who are forcing these children into a mainstream environment.
My son doesn’t demand anything. He cant, as he’s non verbal. His very presence at the school the LA demands he goes to is treated as a massive inconvenience by the teachers. I have to drop him off every day knowing they see his needs as an inconvenience to them.

Original poster

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:49

BugJuice · 15/09/2026 10:46

My husband and I are both hard working professsionals. We both have masters degrees in our relevant fields. We speak multiple languages, and play multiple musical instruments. My eldest child is an academic scholar at an independent school, my middle child a sports and music scholar.
My youngest child is autistic. He’s non verbal and doubly incontinent. He cannot access the National curriculum, and probably never will. Saying ‘kids are usually very like their parents’ shows a complete lack of understanding of neurodiversity.

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I don’t think anyone is referring to children like your youngest, it’s the children who are absolutely able to cope in mainstream who are labelled SEN at the drop of a hat

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Original poster

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:47

BugJuice · 15/09/2026 10:42

Why is there age relevant? Children under 10
have SEN too.
My son is 7. Diagnosed with autism at 3. It was agreed before he even started school that he wouldn’t cope in mainstream, but there were no SEN placements available to him. 3 years later, there still aren't.
I know his teachers in mainstream school don’t want him there, trust me you all make it obvious that accommodating the needs of children with disabilities is an inconvenience. But what the fuck else can I do?

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How are any of these things I listed acceptable within a classroom? To have a 9 year old child demanding that from when they enter the classroom no other children can stand up to get anything because the noise of the chair distresses them, that adults in the classroom cannot ask them to be quiet or that staff must remove their lanyards. Otherwise that child won’t come into the classroom, all this being done whilst I’ve left my TA in charge and I’m standing at this child’s car. That isn’t reasonable adjustments

OP posts:

BugJuice · 15/09/2026 10:46

Newgirls · 15/09/2026 09:02

My observation is the kids are usually very like their parents and yet parents expect them to be better, do better at school. Of course there are exceptions. However the kids I know who prefer to stay in their room gaming - guess what, that’s what dad does too. The kid who isn’t doing well in a levels - well dad didn’t do a levels either but mum expects it. Sticking a label on this helps in one away as we understand our adult selves better. But it’s not for schools to fix every ‘problem’. Sometimes a kid needs a different path than a parent might expect, or dream of.

My husband and I are both hard working professsionals. We both have masters degrees in our relevant fields. We speak multiple languages, and play multiple musical instruments. My eldest child is an academic scholar at an independent school, my middle child a sports and music scholar.
My youngest child is autistic. He’s non verbal and doubly incontinent. He cannot access the National curriculum, and probably never will. Saying ‘kids are usually very like their parents’ shows a complete lack of understanding of neurodiversity.

BugJuice · 15/09/2026 10:42

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:32

I’ve been asked by parents to lie on forms and claim a child is showing behaviours in school that weren’t present. I’ve had parents ask me to make lessons without mentioning certain words, allow their child to sit with me all lunch time every day, meaning I miss out on my own lunch break, I’ve collected children from cars who won’t come into school until certain terms are agreed to. Every one of these children were younger than 10

Why is there age relevant? Children under 10
have SEN too.
My son is 7. Diagnosed with autism at 3. It was agreed before he even started school that he wouldn’t cope in mainstream, but there were no SEN placements available to him. 3 years later, there still aren't.
I know his teachers in mainstream school don’t want him there, trust me you all make it obvious that accommodating the needs of children with disabilities is an inconvenience. But what the fuck else can I do?

Original poster

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:41

TurquoiseSloth · 15/09/2026 10:02

I do think better recognition of SEND and curiosity to look at what’s behind the behaviour are good things.

But, there is almost a bit of an obsession with it, particularly among some sections of SEND parents, and I don’t think it helps. In fact I think it dilutes the message that people really need to be hearing which is that too many SEND children are not getting their needs met and that this includes children with no school place at all - sometimes for many years - and children suffering tangible harm in unsuitable settings. The school dinners thing being a good example of this.

I have two children with significant SEND needs - complex autism and other ND + varied physical/medical needs. But, both are extremely bright and therefore really don’t fit anywhere in the system. Both have a history of lashing out and/or eloping when in severe distress due to unmet needs, but when needs are met don’t display challenging behaviours at all. One is in an independent special school for “academically able” children (but which is still nothing like mainstream in terms of academic offer) and child is really still “too able” for, but at least happy and settled unlike the mainstream they were in before which was miserable. One is really very highly complex and always been on an EOTAS package, never been to school.

Neither could eat school dinners due to dietary restrictions associated with medical needs before we even add on the sensory-based restrictive eating one struggles with. Children with medical needs like this are never considered and it’s just expected they’ll take lunch and nobody sees this as a hardship as long as it doesn’t affect them - other “autism mums” often just shrug if I mention this kind of thing. I found it frustrating to see the posts about the school dinner changes just full of comments such as “my autistic child wouldn’t eat any of that”.

It’s like autism is the only SEND (don’t get me started on that tangent!) and nobody should try and do better for most children because what about the autistic children. And given the current crisis in the system and the catastrophic reforms proposed by this government (I mean, neither of my children would ever have received any education without their legal rights - tribunal had to force our LA to provide) it just feels like a distraction from the real issues and it’s also feeding the narrative about greedy SEND parents who want the whole world to change just for their child, who want every single thing centred around their autistic child. Healthier school meals are a positive thing and some (note: SOME) autistic children might be better eaters if given healthy whole foods from the beginning!

On the same lines, I worry we give children a diagnosis and then just give up. We stop trying new foods, we stop pushing them just a little bit outside their comfort zone, we stop challenging behaviour

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Original poster

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 10:32

I’ve been asked by parents to lie on forms and claim a child is showing behaviours in school that weren’t present. I’ve had parents ask me to make lessons without mentioning certain words, allow their child to sit with me all lunch time every day, meaning I miss out on my own lunch break, I’ve collected children from cars who won’t come into school until certain terms are agreed to. Every one of these children were younger than 10

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AshaK · 15/09/2026 10:22

You’re totally right.

I often feel the same on posts where the poster is worried about their university age child not being supported enough. This isn’t the real world.

TurquoiseSloth · 15/09/2026 10:02

I do think better recognition of SEND and curiosity to look at what’s behind the behaviour are good things.

But, there is almost a bit of an obsession with it, particularly among some sections of SEND parents, and I don’t think it helps. In fact I think it dilutes the message that people really need to be hearing which is that too many SEND children are not getting their needs met and that this includes children with no school place at all - sometimes for many years - and children suffering tangible harm in unsuitable settings. The school dinners thing being a good example of this.

I have two children with significant SEND needs - complex autism and other ND + varied physical/medical needs. But, both are extremely bright and therefore really don’t fit anywhere in the system. Both have a history of lashing out and/or eloping when in severe distress due to unmet needs, but when needs are met don’t display challenging behaviours at all. One is in an independent special school for “academically able” children (but which is still nothing like mainstream in terms of academic offer) and child is really still “too able” for, but at least happy and settled unlike the mainstream they were in before which was miserable. One is really very highly complex and always been on an EOTAS package, never been to school.

Neither could eat school dinners due to dietary restrictions associated with medical needs before we even add on the sensory-based restrictive eating one struggles with. Children with medical needs like this are never considered and it’s just expected they’ll take lunch and nobody sees this as a hardship as long as it doesn’t affect them - other “autism mums” often just shrug if I mention this kind of thing. I found it frustrating to see the posts about the school dinner changes just full of comments such as “my autistic child wouldn’t eat any of that”.

It’s like autism is the only SEND (don’t get me started on that tangent!) and nobody should try and do better for most children because what about the autistic children. And given the current crisis in the system and the catastrophic reforms proposed by this government (I mean, neither of my children would ever have received any education without their legal rights - tribunal had to force our LA to provide) it just feels like a distraction from the real issues and it’s also feeding the narrative about greedy SEND parents who want the whole world to change just for their child, who want every single thing centred around their autistic child. Healthier school meals are a positive thing and some (note: SOME) autistic children might be better eaters if given healthy whole foods from the beginning!

Awkwardisfunny · 15/09/2026 09:51

PensionPTake · 14/09/2026 20:39

I'm confused by your post. You complain too many people treat everything as send when it isn't, but then go on to complain a disruptive child who might have adhd isnt getting referred for diagnosis or allowed in the sen hub by parents.

Yeah, two things can be true at the same time.

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/09/2026 09:42

Sartre · 15/09/2026 08:24

It doesn’t end at school either, it extends into university. We get students too anxious to turn up, students with SSP’s stipulating that staff can’t ask them questions and they have to undertake presentations online or 1:1, students who are so sensitive they ask for alternative books if the ones on the reading list contain certain terminology, trigger warnings on PowerPoints before uttering certain words etc etc. All falls under the guise of SEN or MH. I find it a bit pathetic but have to play along.

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It's a total Emporers New Clothes situation in education atm with everyone playing along for fear that it will affect their career (which it 100% would) if they try to push back.

I eventually got tired with the SEN, SEN, SEN focus in my primary school and left. Its all that matters. By the time they got to y6, we had made a third of those kids totally pathetic, anxious, neurotic and unable to perform simple tasks alone or attempt something new. They learn pretty quickly that it's fine to refuse to do stuff. In fact, it might get you some special treatment.

We are totally falling them by pandering to whatever condition they claim to have. I dread to think what's coming down the tracks for you.

Sartre · 15/09/2026 09:19

Newgirls · 15/09/2026 09:02

My observation is the kids are usually very like their parents and yet parents expect them to be better, do better at school. Of course there are exceptions. However the kids I know who prefer to stay in their room gaming - guess what, that’s what dad does too. The kid who isn’t doing well in a levels - well dad didn’t do a levels either but mum expects it. Sticking a label on this helps in one away as we understand our adult selves better. But it’s not for schools to fix every ‘problem’. Sometimes a kid needs a different path than a parent might expect, or dream of.

This isn’t always true. I have 5 DC. I have a PhD and DH an MBA so I’d say we’re pretty academic, I am quite literally an academic. 4/5 of DC are also academic but 1 child just isn’t at all. We’re forking out £70 PW in tutors to hopefully get her a pass in English and maths.

The way I see intelligence is some people are academic, some technical and some creative with some a nice mix of two or three of those if very fortunate. It’s mostly genetic. My mum is like DD, they’re both very technical hands on people but struggle academically. There isn’t anything wrong with this, it’s a good thing to be frank. The whole world would grind to a halt if filled with academics, trust me, I work with enough of them…

Crosswurd · 15/09/2026 09:06

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 08:39

I think we're failing everyone. Children who have SEN are having resources spread thinner, children without SEN aren't receiving the support they need, lessons are constantly disrupted. But we're also doing these children a massive disservice, the real world isnt going to hand you a pair of ear defenders or a wobble cushion. At what point do we have to help children adapt to everyday life rather than everyday life to them

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Disagree about adjustments, plenty of adults wear loops or similar where I work for similar reasons and doesnt affect anyone else. I imagine schools are challenging envrionments for a lot of children with sensory issues etc, and environments they wont choose to be a part of as adults (30 plus people in a fairly confined space with mountains of expectations); in fact the majority of adults work in environments much different to this. I suspect supporting children to adapt is best done at home with the people who know them best and understand their limitations; whilst as with any parents some SEN parents do their children a disservice by being lazy, the majority want the best for them and work hard to support them.

Agree with the rest though.

Original poster

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 09:05

Bushmillsbabe · 15/09/2026 09:00

No, they will hand you a 'standing desk' or specialist chair if you are office based.

Or if you know you struggle to sit still for extended periods (like me), you can chose a job which is more active, you try your best to make your life meet your needs. Adults may wear noise cancelling headphones, or those in ear noise filters (i forget the name). Children don't always have this option - as adults we have a lot more choices, and can use this positively to try to meet our individual needs, as we are all different.

As parents we know our children best - I did send in a wobble cushion for my daughter as it helps her and doesn't harm anyone else. We walk the long way to school, and she runs and jumps to get her 'wiggles' out before we get there. We give lots of tight hugs to try to regulate her. We prep everything the night before so not to have to rush which destabalises her. I am responsible to making sure my daughter is ready to learn when she gets to school, and this isn't just the right uniform, it's good sleep, a good breakfast, and all the sensory strategies above. However, all this means school thinks she is fine, they don't see all the prep which goes into getting her to school calm, so they have no concerns.

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I’ve been told before that my class couldn’t have piano instrumental music on quietly during extended writing because it upset a child with autism because he found it annoying. That’s not manageable in the real world.

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MintChocolate123 · 15/09/2026 09:03

Chilltme · 14/09/2026 19:16

A big part of it is shitty parents. The one disruptive kid who caused the class to be evacuated in DC1s class had alcoholic parents. The poor kid was ruined in the womb and never stood a chance. Now he’s everyone else’s problem and the parents blame the school.

This is so sad

Newgirls · 15/09/2026 09:02

My observation is the kids are usually very like their parents and yet parents expect them to be better, do better at school. Of course there are exceptions. However the kids I know who prefer to stay in their room gaming - guess what, that’s what dad does too. The kid who isn’t doing well in a levels - well dad didn’t do a levels either but mum expects it. Sticking a label on this helps in one away as we understand our adult selves better. But it’s not for schools to fix every ‘problem’. Sometimes a kid needs a different path than a parent might expect, or dream of.

Bushmillsbabe · 15/09/2026 09:00

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 08:39

I think we're failing everyone. Children who have SEN are having resources spread thinner, children without SEN aren't receiving the support they need, lessons are constantly disrupted. But we're also doing these children a massive disservice, the real world isnt going to hand you a pair of ear defenders or a wobble cushion. At what point do we have to help children adapt to everyday life rather than everyday life to them

Show quote history

No, they will hand you a 'standing desk' or specialist chair if you are office based.

Or if you know you struggle to sit still for extended periods (like me), you can chose a job which is more active, you try your best to make your life meet your needs. Adults may wear noise cancelling headphones, or those in ear noise filters (i forget the name). Children don't always have this option - as adults we have a lot more choices, and can use this positively to try to meet our individual needs, as we are all different.

As parents we know our children best - I did send in a wobble cushion for my daughter as it helps her and doesn't harm anyone else. We walk the long way to school, and she runs and jumps to get her 'wiggles' out before we get there. We give lots of tight hugs to try to regulate her. We prep everything the night before so not to have to rush which destabalises her. I am responsible to making sure my daughter is ready to learn when she gets to school, and this isn't just the right uniform, it's good sleep, a good breakfast, and all the sensory strategies above. However, all this means school thinks she is fine, they don't see all the prep which goes into getting her to school calm, so they have no concerns.

AutisticTeacher · 15/09/2026 08:59

plasticplate · 15/09/2026 08:46

Strategies used with children with SEND such as seeing behaviour as communication work well with children without SEND.

They do. Along with calmer environments, predictable routines, consistency, fewer transitions, scaffolding, reduced cognitive load etc, it benefits all children. That's what they mean when they say 'what's good for SEND is good for all.

Not that a pair of ear defenders will cure all ills.

And some schools treat all strategies as a 'if you do X, there will no longer be an issue. If there is still an issue, it's the teacher's fault'.

Original poster

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 08:53

plasticplate · 15/09/2026 08:46

Strategies used with children with SEND such as seeing behaviour as communication work well with children without SEND.

That isn’t a SEN strategy though, it’s just part of teaching. Some children also quite frankly enjoy acting like a dick

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CheeseMakesMeFart · 15/09/2026 08:46

Weirdpig · 14/09/2026 19:25

Part of the issue with this approach is that it takes a long time to get a diagnosis. So how can you tell who has undiagnosed SEN and who doesn't have SEN and is naughty/just upset etc?

My DD has 3 different diagnoses, but if we hadn't gone privately, she'd probably have had none at this point (11) because the wheels haven't come off completely and she'd just be on a waiting list. Each time we/her school have thought we've identified another potential diagnosis, the school has treated her as having that issue while we went through the diagnosis. That's the kind thing to do and has maximised her chances of success at school.

What you have described, a child with potential SEN but parents who don't want to pursue it, is so far from the experience of most SEN parents, who are begging for support and diagnosis. I don't really understand what your point is with that example.

This is all absolutely true. I have one child who has both autism and adhd diagnosis, but it took three years and we are still waiting for medication.

The school made the reasonable adjustments she needed but also held her accountable for the at times ridiculous behaviour. Multiple suspensions and sanctions have been applied when appropriate. We have always supported the school with this.

Where it falls apart is when parents don't parent, because kids with issues still need routines and boundaries. SEN should not be an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. If a child is completely unable to moderate their behaviour or cope in mainstream, they shouldn't be there.

plasticplate · 15/09/2026 08:46

Strategies used with children with SEND such as seeing behaviour as communication work well with children without SEND.

AutisticTeacher · 15/09/2026 08:44

There has been an erosion imo of what is considered part of the usual human condition mind you. Everyone has quirks, but people are quick to label it SEN. This also damages those with genuine additional needs, similar to someone experiencing an expected human reaction to a stressful event claiming they have anxiety when they have are just human which has led to less understanding of the extent someone with anxiety struggles.

Very much this, too.

BugJuice · 15/09/2026 08:43

Emily3325 · 15/09/2026 08:39

I think we're failing everyone. Children who have SEN are having resources spread thinner, children without SEN aren't receiving the support they need, lessons are constantly disrupted. But we're also doing these children a massive disservice, the real world isnt going to hand you a pair of ear defenders or a wobble cushion. At what point do we have to help children adapt to everyday life rather than everyday life to them

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Without ear defenders my 7 year old son is so distressed he self harms. No, he might not get them in the ‘real world’, but as his disability is so severe that he’s never likely to live an independent life anyway, I’d far rather reduce the stress on him now.

BugJuice · 15/09/2026 08:42

newname98765 · 14/09/2026 19:51

As a parent of a child who is almost certainly autistic but I’m battling with the GP for a referral for an assessment, I would like to echo this. I think most SEN parents’ experience is that of being desperate for a diagnosis and support, rather than the other way round.

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100% agreed.
And so many of these threads assume that the parents of SEN children want them to be in a mainstream school environment. We’ve fought for 3 years to get my son moved to a specialist placement… the local authority agree that it’s what he requires, but there are no places. Yet the parents seem to be blamed for their child being there. Trust me, I never wanted my son in a mainstream school where he was bullied due to his disability, but I didn’t have a choice.