I’m really struggling and I would like to know if I have unreasonable expectations around relationships and particularly intimacy.
I’ve been married a year to DH. I knew DH when I was in my 20s from a shared hobby. He made it very obvious he’d like to pursue a relationship, however, I was already in a relationship at the time and nothing ever happened. We kept in touch via social media, but I moved around and life happened. I moved back to near where he lived and found out he had a 18 month old child with someone. They weren’t in a relationship and never had been. DH obviously did what any decent person would do (and I don’t particularly think he deserved merit for this) and was involved from the day DSS was born.
When we started dating I was cautious about the responsibilities he had and whether it was fair to DSS to pursue a relationship. After 3 years of dating, we moved in together. DSS’ mum said she was struggling to cope with DSS and so DSS was with us 5 days a week, and still is. DSS is now 6.
DSS’ mum has struggled massively since he was born, and has relied on us for support - I have a good relationship with her and she’s supportive of the role I play in DSS life.
I feel me and DH have slipped into roommate territory. Our days are understandably busy with DSS, and I don’t feel like that is a problem. But when we have evenings together, or any time at all, we don’t seem to connect. We spend time watching a film and he’ll end up falling asleep after 15 minutes. It shouldn’t annoy me, but it does. This is usually after drinking beer, which I’ve told him will make him sleepy, but he gets offended.
There’s no flirting, no excitement, no passion. He never takes me on dates, never buys me a chocolate bar or a coffee, never tells me I look good or asks beyond niceties what my days been like. I try hard to maintain connection, just telling him things I’m interested in etc, but he doesn’t seem bothered.
I feel like my role is within a family that I didn’t create, and I feel like a worn out mum (even though I’m not a mum).
Last night I mentioned I was feeling like there was no intimacy and he completely lost it. He told me I’ve never done anything romantic for him, that “if you’re horny, initiate sex”, and that he’s made massive sacrifices to be with me. When I asked what these were, he said he only goes the gym for 2 hours instead of 3.
I told him that I plan and pay for dates for us - to the cinema, dinners, experiences - but he says these aren’t romantic things I do, because they involve money?
He said if I wanted intimacy, I need to stop talking about it, and do something about it.
He went to sleep on the couch and hasn’t spoken to me all day today.
I know I shouldn’t compare, but in other relationships I’ve been in, I have felt loved. I don’t feel loved by DH. He says he loves me all the time, but I don’t feel it, I don’t think he shows it.
I feel like my life is passing me by. I’m incredibly lonely, but feel there is no real reason to end the relationship. I also feel majorly guilty that I would be breaking up a family, especially for DSS who’s known so much instability in his life.
Aibu to think, that particularly in blended families, there needs to be a conscious effort to make the stepparent feel valued beyond their role as a stepparent, and that intimacy should be a baseline?