AIBU to challenge a school mum for involving the children?

Oh my god, please don’t do this. You cannot take the Chinese whispers of two 5 year olds as gospel. I have absolutely said no to my dc when they asked for a play date with a friend and said something like, I wasn’t happy with them going to that friend’s house or I didn’t think it was a good idea for friend’s mum to supervise them.

My dd has absolutely parroted back at me that she couldn’t go to a friend’s house because I didn’t like her friend’s mum. That is absolutely not the case. It often had to do with concerns about safety: a big reactive dog, a busy road and being looked after by grandparents who didn’t really keep an eye on them, a cokehead dad, a mum who I knew would be 2 glasses of wine in by the time they got back from school, secondhand smoke. Sometimes when they were little, I was simply peopled out and did not want to spend time after school chatting with another mum. I was tired or I had emails to return.

It’s not a situation I’m comfortable with you in isn’t the same as not liking. Nor is I don’t want to hang out with Katie’s mum today.

Just tell DD thats ok, not everybody likes each other and leave it at that.

What was it like when the three of you met up? Do you have a group chat? I'd maybe suggest meeting up on that as a group again and see how or if she responds. If she doesn't respond or ia rude you can maybe ask your mutual friend if she knows if the mum is upset with you for something.

I agree with PP you can't go to her on what you have so far. You don't know that she had involved a child deliberately.

You have to think this through to its conclusion.

If you confront the mum now it will inflame things. What relationship you do have with her will break down. It will make things awkward when you see her at school and exponentially harder for the children to socialise as you will have moved from unspoken "don't much like her but I'll tolerate her" into formal "enemy" territory.

You have no way of accurately knowing what happened.

The child may have got the wrong end of the stick. The mum may have made a face when your name came up actually in reference to something else. The mum may be suffering from a period of poor mental health. The child may have just invented it for fun.

Or she may genuinely have a problem with you (which is unfair but that's her prerogative and you won't change it by sending her an inflammatory message).

In none of these scenarios will confronting her work in your favour.

Just let it go, rise above it. She will either realise she's been a bit of a dick and just keep her own counsel or she will continue to be embittered and childish and other people will suss this out. Keep the peace for the sake of the kids and stay out of her way.

Bloody hell ...NO.

You're an adult.
You have absolutely no business getting offended by what comes out of five year olds' mouths.
Grow up and forget about it.

DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me. This is fine, I have no problems and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you. But what I don’t appreciate is getting the children involved as it’s not fair on them

Be very careful because Daisy may have said nothing of the kind. Even if she did, her mother may have said nothing of the kind. Children can very easily misunderstand things. Even older children get hold of the wrong end of the stick sometimes. I know this to my cost.

By all means don’t like me but don’t bitch about me to/in ear shot of your daughter.

You can't control that though, I'd even have doubts if that is exactly what was said, you have no way of knowing if what daisy said is true or if it has been misinterpreted some how, or even said as a jab because your daughter did something to annoy daisy. Even if it was true, do you think daisy's mum will admit to it if you confront her? it's doubtful and you'll be worse off than when you started as you will be basically calling her daughter a liar.

No good will come of confronting her.

My DD came up with Ava telling her that her Mummy said that you are just jealous. Of what I have no idea . Never said anything but also never forgot it . Very selective about time spent around these two .

This is something one 5yo said to another 5yo. It might have been misunderstood. It might have been completely made up by the other kid to get a rise out of your daughter.

If you raise it with the other mum you will look completely mad.

What are you hoping to get out of confronting her? Her to behave better, i.e. not involved the children in future? If she doesn't like you I hardly think she's likely to take parenting advice from you; and if her DD has got it wrong and her mum doesn't have an issue with you...the mum is likely to have an issue with you after you confront her. Leave it and move on.

Id leave it go. It just ain't worth it.

I certainly wouldn't put anything in writing to her. You will come across as the unhinged one and she will have evidence of it, framing it as being accused of something you made up and will gaslight you

Don’t do it! Literally just forget it was ever said. They’re five. I would probably continue to smile or just say hi when passing as well to prove I’m oblivious to any gossip. You have many years of seeing this person in passing to go!

Leave it. If DD says anything like that again I'd brush it off with a swift, 'Oh does she - oh well!'

Just give her some big smiles in the playground and be the bigger and better person. You'll achieve nothing by confronting her. Apart from more aggravation probably!

@chirrupybird ohhh yes. When DS was in nursery they did a session on emotions. The children were asked 'what sort of things would make you sad', my darling piped up 'Daddy locking me in the cupboard!'.
Now DH has never locked him in a cupboard or anything remotely similar, so when asked why he said that DS looked at us like we were daft and said 'I KNOW Daddy hasn't done that, but she asked what WOULD make me sad, and IF he did lock me in a cupboard I WOULD be sad'.

Also, something (that might have or might not have been) said in the privacy of her own home!

I'd turn it in to a game and try and raise a smile every time i saw her

Don’t get involved in thus kind of drama. Smile and wave & just act the same as normal. If she doesn’t like you then there’s nothing to gain from confronting her. If it’s a misunderstanding then you’ll look like a loon trying to talk about it.

Something may be lost in translation children can easily misunderstand what they overhear. I wouldn't say anything it could be very awkward particularly if it isn't what she said. Can you arrange another get together and try to judge what is going on? As you say if she actually doesn't like you it is of no consequence you just keep her at a distance.

If you read some of the teacher pupil threads there are some real howlers of children misunderstanding and saying all sorts of outlandish things.

And this is why I really do not miss the primary school years!

Honestly OP - just ignore it.

I had a mum come up to me one morning. She indignantly told me that my DS had told their child that his big sister didn't like them. I just laughed and said "he says that to everyone"

The mum was one of those who went in all guns blazing if anyone so much as looked at their child. As a consequence, their child was an absolute little s**t who, in their parent's eyes, could do no wrong.

Just ignore and carry on with your day.

Don’t say anything. You’ll only embarrass yourself.

I would leave her to it as she's making a bellend of herself perfectly well without your input.

You can't stop unkind people by confronting them, and you can't control how other people talk to their kids, even if it is obviously wrong.

Children get things wrong all the time, it may not have happened or it might have been out of context or she’s only heard half a conversation ‘I really don’t like tumbleleaf10s sweatshirt’ but her DD may have only heard ‘I don’t like tumbleleaf10’ I really just would leave it be.

"challenge her for involving the children"

Don't be ridiculous. You have no proof that she has done anything of the sort. Third hand from two five year olds! You'd be mental to go confronting someone based on that evidence!

I wouldn’t say anything. 5 year olds are not reliable sources.

I literally witnessed my niece telling my DD “my mummy doesn’t like your mummy’s shoes” when what had happened is her Mummy was looking to borrow shoes to wear to a specific event with a colour theme (so she didn’t want to buy for a one off) and I offered a pair and my SIL offered a pair and she borrowed SIL’s. The interpretation of the 5yo was totally incorrect.

DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me

She didn't say that though, did she? You don't know that the mother said it to daisy, or daisy overheard it, or daisy just decided for herself.

And that's only one reason why not to bring it up