AIBU to think this is the beginning of the end for my mum?

And please make sure that you care for yourself too. You are dealing with so much amidst your own grief.

I've not read the whole thread only your posts but I think you should consider counselling. While its true that your mum's loss could be viewed as " more significant" than yours as a pp said there is no hierarchy of grief. Also while a sudden death can be see as "better" it is still an enormous shock and I think it is quite likely that you are still experiencing shock at the sudden loss of your beloved dad.

My brother died very suddenly at the age of 50. He was an alcoholic and I had anticipated he would not make old bones but even so when he did die it was a huge shock. With the benefit of hindsight I was in a state of confusion, grief and shock for at least a year following his death while trying to support my mum who was elderly and devastated. I really do think counselling would have helped and regret not seeking it out. If you work there may be counselling available through your work.

I also had a lovely uncle who was devoted to his wife and was lost when she died as they had done everything together but he did begin to put his life back together with help from very good neighbours and friends so it is possible for people in their 80s to do this.

It is very hard when you have a young family yourself as indeed you do feel pulled in both directions but do take care of yourself as you can't help anyone else if you don't. I was told by someone very wise that its a bit like on an aircraft when they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you help anyone else.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

I think the sense of loss starts even before they pass away, because you see them become weaker and less able to enjoy what they used to enjoy. I see it's called anticipatory grief.

I suppose it's a normal, it's nature helping us to prepare for the inevitable.

There was a short thread about it a couple of weeks ago.

AIBU to feel like I am already mourning my mum? | Mumsnet

@BoldNavyCritic thank you and sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is especially tough I think and I expect you had a lot of 'good innings' sort of nonsense if your mother was 97. The loss is permanent and the sense of loss is always there and at times will be as painful and as raw as it ever was when something triggers the grief.

I had support and kind words on here from others when I was in the worst of it. I still wouldn't say I am ok btw but if there is anything I can do or say to support anyone grieving it would make me feel comforted that my own painful experience could help anyone else even a microscopic amount.

This is such a good post. My mum was 97 when she died, hardly a surprise or untimely, but it was 2.5 years ago and I still miss her dreadfully - not in the same raw way that I did at first, but at certain moments I want her and she's not there. Premature bereavement is a whole extra level of trauma, but the loss of any close long term relationship is huge, however expected.

Sending deep sympathy, OP, for your loss and your Mum's. They do say that sudden death is easier on the person but much harder on the family. My Mum died three months ago after a long battle with cancer, and we had time to get ourselves ready (as much as you ever can)

Dad has coped much better than I feared, and I do think that's because I kept reinforcing how important counselling was, how much it had helped me get over my divorce etc. He was very resistant at first but started going just before she died and is still going now, it's been marvelous for him.

I think if you go and find it helpful it will be much more likely that your Mum will consider it. And you'll get some support in order to help you to support her.

I was reading a post on here not long ago where a poster wrote she had a tiny bit (but not much) sympathy for a colleague who was late 50s and had lost a parent late 80s on the basis that was a pretty good innings (lots of stories of people losing parents v young etc.) I have one friend who has lost a parent and she said really it wasn’t so bad as her parent had seen her grow up, meet her DH and meet her DC so all the big milestones and she couldn’t really ask for much more and felt very lucky. She was quite impatient that a friend of hers was fairly long term upset about her dad given her circs were as per my friends. ]

This was a cross post with my previous post because (ha!) I used the phrase "a good innings" even before I read your post.

With no respect to your colleague whatsoever, that is just callous idiocy. Usually the people who say things like that are people who haven't experienced a significant loss.

The significance of loss relates to how you feel about the person, your relationship with them, their importance in your life, the manner of their death, and your personality.

A person who had an abusive or distant parent may react differently to their death compared to someone who was close to and really loved their parent. Someone who was raised by their grandmother as a pseudo-mother maybe more devastated by their grandmother's death than their mother. Someone else may be closer to their 'near twin' best friend than their sister. Do you see? There is no right or wrong. It depends.

All you need to know is that the loss of someone who really matters to you and you love deeply, who ever that is, hurts badly and grief is very very normal. As we were saying about your mother, deep grief takes as long at it takes.

Look at it this way, what would you think if someone said to your mother "Well you were lucky to have such a long marriage and that he had such a long life, my husband left me when the kids were young so you don't know how lucky you were. He was old it couldn't have been that much a shock and he had a good innings. I don't have much sympathy for you". I'm guessing you'd be pretty disgusted at their callousness and inhumanity and that is the right reaction.

Don't minimize your loss and suppress your grief because you have horrid colleagues! That is not the same as saying 'wear your heart on your sleeve and keen and weep at work' as there are unsympathetic people who have never lost anyone everywhere you look. What it is saying is don't dismiss grief counselling for yourself and don't beat yourself up for being in grief.

in answer to the earlier post re counselling, I know nothing about it but assume it’s where a death is totally incomprehensible ie a child, spouse, young person etc. I

No not at all. There is no hierarchy in grief at all. All grief is hard, just different types of grief are different.

Death of a parent is a huge thing. If you have a good relationship with your father, no man will ever love you in the way that a father loves a daughter. Any man can leave a relationship but your father is always your father. You are always someone's little girl and when they are gone it hurts and that's because you have lost the love you had 24/7 ticking away always in your life. It is 100% normal to be emotionally devastated by the loss of a parent and find grief hard. Please PLEASE don't beat yourself up mentally by thinking "it's the natural order to lose a parent so I should be fine'. Bereavement is not like that at all. In your case, a factor that may complicate your grief is the fact that your father's death was a shock and unexpected. It doesn't matter if he was 80 when it is your own and loved father. People saying nonsense like "he had a good innings" are stupid; if it's your father and he's gone, it's very painful.

Grief counseling is for anyone who needs it. Not everyone will for many reasons. People react differently and cope differently. People have different support mechanisms and may not "need" additional support if they have strong, wise emotional support around them.

It maybe you don't need it but from what you've written ("get a grip") it sounds to me like you are pushing down your grief because you feel you shouldn't be grieving. I don't know because I don't know you at all but if you are suppressing your grief because you feel you are over-reacting or should be tough and strong, you may very well be setting yourself up for emotional trouble down the line when the unprocessed grief just bursts out.

Counselling is for any type of grief. There's not a hierarchy of when you're "allowed" to grieve, that's a very odd way to think!

My Gran learned to online shop at 80 after her husband died. She is mid 80s now and loves an online shop. Elderly people are perfectly capable of learning new skills, and that's a particularly useful one.

She’s grieving and only time is going to help. My mum was like this too but 4 years down the line, moved o to a sheltered flat closer to my siblings. Now she wishes she’d done it a lot earlier. Has made some friends and can access the shops more easily. She is quite dependent on my siblings though to sort out finances, big shops and the Tv. They also help with appts as she’s getting deaf. So it’s lot better than it was but not back to how she used to be in terms of independence.

I agree with what everyone here says - it is still very raw for your mum and she can't see her way out yet. Hopefully she will have years left to her to learn some new coping skills.

I do want to add that you need to take care of yourself too, OP. It's been a shock to you too and with the struggles to help your mum you may not have grieved for your dad yourself properly yet either.

My Mum still has my Dad (although I don't have a relationship with him any more.... long story), and is just turning 80. My siblings and I have always been keen to encourage her to keep some separate hobbies and interests - and she does meet her own friends every week. She has, however, stopped driving to new/far places, or at night/in the rain. She will, however, get the bus/a taxi if she doesn't feel she wants to drive. I think I'd be encouraging your Mum - as long as she has the cash - to do that. It would be considerably cheaper than running a car!!

I think that, ultimately, she probably needs to think about moving closer. Is she able to even start looking for somewhere to rent, whilst you help her with her family home? An hour away is that awkward limit, where it's too far just to pop around, but near enough that she might reasonably expect a lift places. It's a tough one, though, OP.

Is there an option to have her live in an annexe to your home?

I am sorry for your loss OP.

I had a similar experience. I don’t think it is unreasonable of a woman in her eighties to reject driving or renewing a license. But other things, taxis for example, she will have to accept over time. I think you have some hope here that she will take the train. My mother wouldn’t have done that. Also, online groceries was rejected. My mother had a cleaner who increasingly did more for her, including her shopping. I’m afraid I never could convince my mother to embrace a new life - she had no interest in this. Eventually she did join some groups but it wasn’t a new lease of life or reliable network.

Over time my mother became more vulnerable and dependent. She refused care until the end. There was nothing to be done as she had capacity. This lasted around 9 years.

You have all my sympathy. For me if was important to learn to accept a lot of it but not absorb it.

It has crossed my mind but given what I’ve just said it makes me wonder if (for me) it’s appropriate

Why wouldn't grief counseling be appropriate for you? Everyone is different but I found grief counseling very helpful and I am cynic who starting off thinking every kind of talking therapy was a load of rubbish. It's possible I was just lucky and found a good counselor but I think one of the benefits is having someone just listening to you when you are worried you are boring all your friends or bringing them down with your own grief, who will tell you that whatever crazy thing you do in your sadness is a sign you are losing it is normal and has a reason behind it, and a time to just centred and concentrate on your own pain and loss.

When you are dealing with elderly parents with decades of life together, it is known that there is a real risk that the second one may die shortly after (broken heart loss I mentioned above) as well as the normal risk of death anyway as one ages. If you have two deaths one after each other, the second will be harder to cope with if you haven't properly processed the first. That is not intended to be a voice of doom and gloom or to upset you but to persuade you that grief counseling and some dedicated help for you to deal with your father's death now and your own grief may not be a bad thing. In fact it is something your future self may thank you for.