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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:39

What thread are you reading because it’s clearly not this OP’s
Oh it is this one and a fair few are reading it just the same.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:37

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:34

if he knows DD wouldn’t comply with his wishes he’s perfectly entitled to make other arrangements
And if he was pointed to this thread and read that OP was falling out of love with him because he is supposedly neglecting her dignity by agreeing to his daughter staying at her childhood home, do you really think he would go ahead with getting OP to have POA for him?

Probably not, but OP didn’t say they had made any hard and fast arrangements, just that they had discussed it. Clearly if she decides to end the relationship there would be no need for the POA to be arranged.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:35

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:23

The more PPs have asked the more I thought about it, and came to the conclusion, it's really just the fact that he used to be entirely at her beck and call, and now he isn't (which is normal - a man can't have a serious committed relationship while being at his adult children's beck and call - it just doesn't work like that). I just don't feel she's ever forgiven the change
Of course you came to that conclusion. It's the one that suits your narrative. It's the one shows you as being the victim to an entitled vindictive daughter.

Maybe you are genuinely not aware of it but your dedain for this woman is spilling out from all your posts here, so it's not hard to assume that it's even more obvious in real life.

You got this man that came into your life and played prince charming. Take on a father role, helps you financially, takes you all on nice holidays and you want him to have only eyes and time for you. His eldest daughter didn't fall for your charm and you took a dislike in her right there and then.

You show no interest whatsoever here in wanting to understand her better, make amends or find a compromise. The only option is to portray her the nasty woman that suits your narrative.

What is most telling in everything you wrote....that you would consider getting POA for a man you wrote you were falling out in love with just because he is not prepared to say to you that he'll treat his daughter like a second citizen like you want him too.

Poor guy who is desperate to secure a companion for the rest of his life and can't see that your love come with conditions that require him to dump the daughter who gets in your way. He is going to have a rude awakening one day. Also be prepared to have to deal with his second daughter too soon when she sees beyond your intentions.

Edited

What thread are you reading because it’s clearly not this OP’s.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:34

if he knows DD wouldn’t comply with his wishes he’s perfectly entitled to make other arrangements
And if he was pointed to this thread and read that OP was falling out of love with him because he is supposedly neglecting her dignity by agreeing to his daughter staying at her childhood home, do you really think he would go ahead with getting OP to have POA for him?

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:33

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:30

It's been really helpful to discuss this and hear some new points of view
Helpful? You finished the discussion concluding that she's horrible and everything is her fault. Exactly what you came here to hope to hear.

There's no discussion and certainly no reflection and it can only be assumed to be how you deal with things in real life.

I’ve read all of OP’s posts and I really can’t see how you’ve come to that conclusion. At all.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:32

I expect OP will be back in another thread in a few years to relate how his horrible daughters made her life so miserable, manipulated her dad, she had no choice but to break up with him but nothing is her fault.

There have been quite a few of those over the span of MN.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:31

TooMuchRedMaybe · 15/09/2026 07:05

The more you post, the more I sympathise with the DD. I would also be highly suspicious if my dad met a considerably younger woman who he gave money to every month, although they didn't live together, and who he is giving POA to for something as important as his health. You have known him for 4 years and are just boyfriend/girlfriend at this stage.

Are your kids OK with him making decisions about your life too should you be in a serious accident for example?

They’ve discussed POA because it’s clear that DD wouldn’t allow OP anywhere near her dad if something happened with his health - if he knows DD wouldn’t comply with his wishes he’s perfectly entitled to make other arrangements. Nobody has said anything about him making the same decisions for OP and her own kids are still children, so it’s not really relevant.

And OP says he spends most of the time at her home - 5/6 nights a week. That being the case, why would anyone be suspicious of him giving OP money - he’s likely covering the extra expense. If he wasn’t doing this posters would be calling him a cocklodger, so OP really can’t win can she ?

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:30

It's been really helpful to discuss this and hear some new points of view
Helpful? You finished the discussion concluding that she's horrible and everything is her fault. Exactly what you came here to hope to hear.

There's no discussion and certainly no reflection and it can only be assumed to be how you deal with things in real life.

JasmineMac · 15/09/2026 07:25

If there is no possibility of you building bridges with his daughter, then sadly yes I think your relationship has ran its course.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:23

The more PPs have asked the more I thought about it, and came to the conclusion, it's really just the fact that he used to be entirely at her beck and call, and now he isn't (which is normal - a man can't have a serious committed relationship while being at his adult children's beck and call - it just doesn't work like that). I just don't feel she's ever forgiven the change
Of course you came to that conclusion. It's the one that suits your narrative. It's the one shows you as being the victim to an entitled vindictive daughter.

Maybe you are genuinely not aware of it but your dedain for this woman is spilling out from all your posts here, so it's not hard to assume that it's even more obvious in real life.

You got this man that came into your life and played prince charming. Take on a father role, helps you financially, takes you all on nice holidays and you want him to have only eyes and time for you. His eldest daughter didn't fall for your charm and you took a dislike in her right there and then.

You show no interest whatsoever here in wanting to understand her better, make amends or find a compromise. The only option is to portray her the nasty woman that suits your narrative.

What is most telling in everything you wrote....that you would consider getting POA for a man you wrote you were falling out in love with just because he is not prepared to say to you that he'll treat his daughter like a second citizen like you want him too.

Poor guy who is desperate to secure a companion for the rest of his life and can't see that your love come with conditions that require him to dump the daughter who gets in your way. He is going to have a rude awakening one day. Also be prepared to have to deal with his second daughter too soon when she sees beyond your intentions.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 07:15

I just want to write to say thanks to everyone who replied thoughtfully, whatever their opinion or advice was. It's been really helpful to discuss this and hear some new points of view. Thank you also to the couple of people who DM-ed me, that's appreciated (why is the messaging functionality so weird and you can't see what you're typing??)
There were a few people who were needlesly aggressive - I'm not sure what that's about but it's definitely more about yourselves than me. Keyboard warriors and all that.
Back to real life now so won't be reading this thread any more, but it's been really helpful.

OP posts:
Clydebuilt · 15/09/2026 07:12

TooMuchRedMaybe · 15/09/2026 07:05

The more you post, the more I sympathise with the DD. I would also be highly suspicious if my dad met a considerably younger woman who he gave money to every month, although they didn't live together, and who he is giving POA to for something as important as his health. You have known him for 4 years and are just boyfriend/girlfriend at this stage.

Are your kids OK with him making decisions about your life too should you be in a serious accident for example?

Precisely this!!

PollyBell · 15/09/2026 07:08

SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 07:05

The whole thing about 'just turning up' was something I never once said, it was suggested in someone's response and then everyone started assuming I was turning up announced all the time. I have sometimes gone to my partner's for a cup of tea if I was in the area and he was at home, as he has done too. It's a nice surprise and we both enjoyed that kind of intimacy, at the end of the day we have each other on 'Find my' app so we can see who's where and it's nice to surprise someone at home. Both my kids and I have enjoyed him popping in sometimes. But I wouldn't drop in when there's someone at his house who hates me. I don't know why there's an assumption I would? I only said I had a key because someone said 'but you don't have access anyway'. In any case it's not about physical access - it's about the sense of being welcome.

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But you don't think the daughter should be, it is her father, you cant change that

TooMuchRedMaybe · 15/09/2026 07:05

The more you post, the more I sympathise with the DD. I would also be highly suspicious if my dad met a considerably younger woman who he gave money to every month, although they didn't live together, and who he is giving POA to for something as important as his health. You have known him for 4 years and are just boyfriend/girlfriend at this stage.

Are your kids OK with him making decisions about your life too should you be in a serious accident for example?

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 07:05

Bubbaliciousss · 15/09/2026 04:47

OP don't just turn up anyway. It's completely disrespecting everyones boundaries and a massive fuck you to your partner and his daughter. If my partner did this to me, went against my wishes in regards to my family, I'd immediately end things.

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The whole thing about 'just turning up' was something I never once said, it was suggested in someone's response and then everyone started assuming I was turning up announced all the time. I have sometimes gone to my partner's for a cup of tea if I was in the area and he was at home, as he has done too. It's a nice surprise and we both enjoyed that kind of intimacy, at the end of the day we have each other on 'Find my' app so we can see who's where and it's nice to surprise someone at home. Both my kids and I have enjoyed him popping in sometimes. But I wouldn't drop in when there's someone at his house who hates me. I don't know why there's an assumption I would? I only said I had a key because someone said 'but you don't have access anyway'. In any case it's not about physical access - it's about the sense of being welcome.

OP posts:
superchick · 15/09/2026 07:04

I don't particularly like my Dad's partner. The way she talks to people and her attitude just grate on me. I don't mind being in her presence for a few hours but I wouldn't want her there every time I visited my Dad. My SiL really gets on well with her though.

You just need to leave them to it. Or if it really bothers you that much keep poking the bear and see what happens I guess.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Look, am I selfish? Possibly, sometimes, as I'm human, and I'm sure if someone was to dissect your life they could find instances when you've been selfish. Show me a person who doesn't to some degree, sometimes, have self interests at heart!
He's most definitely not looking to dump me, I don't know where that comment comes from. This is a very committed man who spends every weekend taking my kids to football and drama, takes my kids and me away on holidays, entertains my colleagues, cooks / hosts / helps to look after my household as though it's his own. He's taken on the role of the man of the family because, in essence, he is (there certainly isn't another man around to do all that!)
And maybe that's the reason why his DD doesn't like me, maybe she doesn't like the thought that he has built a new life with new people BUT she lives away and has her own life, so why should he not have his - should he be alone? I was perfectly happy to include his DD in everything, and initially loved the idea of big family events etc. I did not push her out. She checked out for her own reasons and now he's left trying to balance things.
I would absolutely not say that he chooses her over me, nor that he chooses me over her either. It's literally comments like this that suggest that it's some kind of zero sum game, a competition - why? I'm talking about emotional fairness, about inclusion.
I'm not sure why you've felt the need to write such a hostile response - 'I hope he dumps you' - you should maybe look to see where your own hate is coming from. I'm surprised you didn't just write 'I hope you die', lol.

OP posts:
stillhiding1990 · 15/09/2026 06:57

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:36

And this is exactly why I said that I'm interested in comments only from people who've been in this situation, not first wives... Thank you for your input.

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First wives? Wow

Clydebuilt · 15/09/2026 06:54

LarryForPrimeMinister · 14/09/2026 09:41

But he is telling you you do not have 24/7 access! I have a key for my parents house I still wouldn't wonder in any time I felt like. Its rude.

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My sister and a neighbour have a key to my house….they don’t have 24 hour access!!! You’re not wanted when she’s there, she doesn’t like you, stay away while she’s there 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 06:47

Strawberrryfields · 15/09/2026 03:15

So you will have power of attorney for health for him? The man you’re on mumsnet questioning whether you should break up with? Does that seem off to you at all?

You’re also accepting money from this man while claiming to be a professional woman who doesn’t need it. Will you also have poa for his finances?

I can understand why his daughter doesn’t like you and might be feeling protective of her dad. He actually sounds somewhat vulnerable/ naive.

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The way you've written it sounds contradictory but it's not really when you stop and unpack. Yes I will have POA for health and that's entirely reasonable, precisely for the reason someone else had mentioned - currently, his next of kin would be his DD and, given the situation, literally no guarantee she would allow me to be by his bedside if he got run over by a bus. So yes, I'm very much going to have POA. It is for health only, not finances which I neither need nor want.

I agree it's not ideal that I'm on MN debating what to do about the relationship, there's no question about that. But I wanted to see what the average person in my shoes would feel, think and potentially do.

Yes I can be a professional woman and him still being a higher earner than me - and it being logical that he should contribute to my household as he spends a lot of time here. It's funny because on various women's chats I often see warnings against 'cocklodgers' and becoming 'a nurse and a purse'. Here we have a high earning man who is happy to support my household (in a modest way I'd add - it's not a huge amount and to me the meaning is more symbolic than anything) but that also raises suspicions somehow.

I assure you he's about as far from vulnerable as you can imagine - a very masculine, 6 ft man in a terrific physical condition and with a senior job in a multinational corporation, just really passive when it comes to his adult daughters due to complicated family history.

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 15/09/2026 06:38

Why would you want to go there when she's there ? She doesn't like you. Why do you discuss just turning up, what's the point ?

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 06:34

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/09/2026 22:45

Have you said it’s your decision too? You’re telling me your house cannot be a home for ds and I - do you think I and ds would politely leave so your dd can come around if that’s my home? It wouldn’t be happening, but you want me to, so you currently have decided we can’t live together irrespective of any other thoughts I have.

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I have zero desire to live in his house, in any case. I'm not going to uproot two kids. Maybe when they leave home but then his house would be absurdly big for just him and me, and I'd want to start afresh somewhere new. Anyway all that seems very abstract and in another gallaxy, so to speak. We spend most of our time together, it's difficult to justify such a major upheaval just so that it would literally be 7-nights a week together rather than, say, 5-6 which may be the case now.

OP posts:
chattyness · 15/09/2026 06:17

I wouldn't have put up with this and would have ended the relationship long before now. If these things aren't nipped in the bud at the start and resolved then they just cause a growing resentment all round that will never get any better.
From your post you have actually woken up and smelled the coffee . How can you continue to love someone that allows his daughter to treat you so badly without reason?
You probably still love him, but you don't love the way you are being treated and that's important to realise because you can see he doesn't love you enough to sort it out once and for all , he obviously loves his daughter and doesn't want to lose her, that's totally understandable, but to allow her behaviour towards you to carry on especially given her age.... she's 30 FFS! I think it's ridiculous and unfair. I wouldn't give them any more of my time. Find someone who welcomes you and all your family into his life.

Millytante · 15/09/2026 05:55

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 04:51

I’d say it was the father. It’s his home and he lives there. Only problem is he’s spineless.

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His spine (regarding entitlement to the private enjoyment of his own home with whomever he invites, non-romantically) is his own business though.
And with knobs on, where his offspring are concerned.
It’s not as though this exclusion occurs every weekend.
It’s such a fight over very little really, since clearly it isnt a matter that’ll give way to angry pressure, therefore the result will be OP’s loss, by the sound of things.

It occurs to me that her intimations about falling out of love now might be her planning pre-emptive severing of the relationship, lest she has to hear him say he cannot accept her insisting on access to his house when DD is visiting, and making him chose which woman he will put first is intolerable behaviour.
I have probably read too much tangled fiction, and any such plan would never occur to a person!
However, OP has shown a pretty extreme need to be right, vindicated, and to be in a position where her primacy isn’t questioned again.
In such circs, giving way with good grace won’t come naturally and she may be that rare person who’d sacrifice a perfectly good relationship rather than agree to a pretty minor concession for her beloved.

Millytante · 15/09/2026 05:36

maxslice · 14/09/2026 19:42

Yes, and your hurt is very real and understandable, OP, so during the time you are banished from DP’s home while his daughter is, you should totally spoil yourself. Massage, pedicure, dinner out, maybe a mini break to somewhere warm. Don’t allow yourself to suffer because of that daughter.

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Suffer? And so much that she is in need of thorough pampering afterwards?
For the love of God, the reaction is pîque and her loathing of being thwarted in anything.