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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:13

OP is perfectly happy for all of them to spend time in DD30’s childhood home. It’s only DD30 who refuses to let this happen
OP has clearly said that she wouldn't want to be in his house when the daughter is there. Have you not read her messages?

It's not about arrangements as such, it's about principles for OP. She feels he is not respecting her dignity by not telling OP overtly that she can still come whenever she wants even when the daughter is there, even though she said she would go because she wouldn't want to see her.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:10

@Nocameltoeleggingsplease, in your case, they were married living together and had children together, which is a lot more commitment than what OP has with her partner.

moderate · 15/09/2026 08:09

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:43

There is no indication that OP wants to prevent DD30 from spending time at her childhood home. Quite the opposite in fact
You need to read the thread again. OP wrote that she wants him to only meet her in a restaurant and that she should stay at her mum's rather than her dad. Have you missed all that?

Because DD30 would walk out if OP came to call.

OP is perfectly happy for all of them to spend time in DD30’s childhood home. It’s only DD30 who refuses to let this happen.

But you already know this. You’ve just got some weird axe to grind. Perhaps you were the spoiled intransigent DD30 in this situation.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:08

I agree fully that this is an assumption. However, you struggle to read properly. OP wrote 'Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful'.
She didn't write sent to me...

Anyway, this is now looking for things, so I agree it's not fair to have shared this assumption even though my gut feeling is that it wasn't written to her.

Nocameltoeleggingsplease · 15/09/2026 08:06

I am the daughter in this situation, although it is not the same. My parents split up and dad remarried and had 2 other children. I was an adult then and largely kept away by his wife at the time so our relationship changed. When they then divorced we got closer again but she is still involved in his life and I will have nothing to do with her. If she is there I won’t be. In that situation I would expect him to tell her not to be there but we are maybe talking about 2 hours a month and I would never expect Christmas, birthday etc because I know he has that family unit to spend that time with.
I think it should be acknowledged and he should realise that it is hard for you but unless you are planning to live together does it need to be a deal breaker?

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:03

You completely missed that DD turns up without prior warning and expects her dad to cancel any plans he has to prioritise her. That’s what is unreasonable here
Maybe maybe not.

If she happens to be in town one evening, late arrangement, and the plan was just to spend time at his house, then it wouldn't be unreasonable.

If she's there for a week, and expect her father to take her out when he's made plans with OP to go to the theatre, that's unreasonable. Context is in the detail, but OP stayed away from it.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:01

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:59

OP also never said how she got to read this message where the daughter said horrible things about her and I can't help wondering whether this was a message to her dad and OP read his messages.

There you go again, making assumptions. And wrong ones too, because if you’d read the opening post properly you’d know that OP said DD messaged her directly and then blocked her so she couldn’t reply.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:01

She was asking a question, not saying that was what she wanted
Why even think of this question in the first place? It wouldn't even come to the mind of most partners not living with their partner.

And the suggestion she should stay at her mother instead of father, is that 'just' a question too?

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:59

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:43

There is no indication that OP wants to prevent DD30 from spending time at her childhood home. Quite the opposite in fact
You need to read the thread again. OP wrote that she wants him to only meet her in a restaurant and that she should stay at her mum's rather than her dad. Have you missed all that?

This is what OP wrote An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle.

She was asking a question, not saying that was what she wanted. She was exploring the principle that the decision to ‘allow’ her in his house was her partners’, not his DD’s to dictate, and that if she wasn’t comfortable with OP being there, lunch in a restaurant was an alternative. You completely missed that DD turns up without prior warning and expects her dad to cancel any plans he has to prioritise her. That’s what is unreasonable here.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:59

OP also never said how she got to read this message where the daughter said horrible things about her and I can't help wondering whether this was a message to her dad and OP read his messages.

ACynicalDad · 15/09/2026 07:58

He’s doing his best in a difficult situation. You get him 95% of the time, if you can’t live with that move on.

TunnocksOrDeath · 15/09/2026 07:55

He’s a well off man in a big house, who has raised a 30 year old daughter to be an independent woman with a career. He’s now dating a (younger?) woman with two kids still at school who doesn’t want to move in with him , but is happy accepting financial contributions from him to run her -separate- household. I’m sorry OP, but unless there’s some back story of horrendous woe, if I was the independent career-woman daughter in this situation, I wouldn’t be too impressed by it either.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:54

So many people spend their lives agonising over why people don’t like them and how unreasonable they are for it. In reality everyone pisses off other people. It may not be deliberate but it doesn’t matter
One hundred percent. I don't like my mil and she doesn't like me. That's absolutely fine. My husband spends regular one on one time with her and I can't imagine telling him that this has a direct impact on my dignity. He is fully entitled to love us both and I would see it as abusive to put pressure on him by making demands on how he spends time with her.

Thankfully, although we don't like each other we both respect my OH by not expecting this of him.

Xkk · 15/09/2026 07:54

Vivi0 · 14/09/2026 10:31

I’m in my 30s, and I’m cringing thinking about still having a bedroom at my dad’s house, or thinking I had a say in who he has in his own home.

Unfortunately, some people are just incredibly controlling. It sounds like his DD is this type of personality, and there is really not much you can do. It is up to her father to deal with this.

Personally, I would happily stay away when his DD is visiting. I would mentally detach from the situation entirely, and not think about it, bring it up in conversation with your partner etc.

But I would make it very, very clear to him that his DD isn’t welcome in your home, and that he should not extend invites to her on your behalf again.

Cringing for having a room in your parents house? How sad for you to think that way. I am 41 and my parents kept my room and I immagine they always will, is my safe space and their way of saying I am always welcome to go home, no matter what life throws at me. I live in diferent country from them as well. My belongings, my photo albums, my journals, my clothing, including tampons, make up remover, socks and underwear are there for me. Of course the room is used if needed, but the love my parents have for me is a blessing, not a reason to "cringe".

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:52

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:50

Nope. Getting POA is their way of stopping DD from going against her fathers’ wishes, should anything happen to him
Interesting how you are assuming, with no evidence at all, that the daughter would go against her father's wishes.

I would have much more trust in my children having my best interests at heart than a partner of 4 years who doesn't want to live with me, says they are falling out of love with me because I insist my kids come and stay at my house, and is happy to receive financial support from me.

I’m not assuming anything. I’m going on what OP has actually said, not what l think she means.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:50

Nope. Getting POA is their way of stopping DD from going against her fathers’ wishes, should anything happen to him
Interesting how you are assuming, with no evidence at all, that the daughter would go against her father's wishes.

I would have much more trust in my children having my best interests at heart than a partner of 4 years who doesn't want to live with me, says they are falling out of love with me because I insist my kids come and stay at my house, and is happy to receive financial support from me.

Anarchy99 · 15/09/2026 07:50

CherryBlossom321 · 15/09/2026 07:47

In my experience, there’s a lot to be said for accepting people disliking you. It’s part of life. There’s no need for you to have any interaction with her whatsoever. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then of course, end the relationship. But personally I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water (as my grandmother used to say!).

That’s one of the most sensible things I have ever read on here.

So many people spend their lives agonising over why people don’t like them and how unreasonable they are for it. In reality everyone pisses off other people. It may not be deliberate but it doesn’t matter.

CherryBlossom321 · 15/09/2026 07:47

In my experience, there’s a lot to be said for accepting people disliking you. It’s part of life. There’s no need for you to have any interaction with her whatsoever. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then of course, end the relationship. But personally I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water (as my grandmother used to say!).

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:46

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:41

Probably not, but OP didn’t say they had made any hard and fast arrangements, just that they had discussed it. Clearly if she decides to end the relationship there would be no need for the POA to be arranged
If she has doubts about the relationship, just as she's told him she prefers they keep their separate properties, she should tell him that it's not a good idea to get POA at this stage. It's simple. But getting POA is a way to get that 'dignity' she is so keen on and show the eldest that she is more important.

Nope. Getting POA is their way of stopping DD from going against her fathers’ wishes, should anything happen to him. Seems pretty clear to me. DD wouldn’t allow OP anywhere near her fathers’ bedside so they’re discussing how they can prevent that - it’s in his interests to have someone who will honour his wishes so why are you assuming he’s not on board with it ?

Anarchy99 · 15/09/2026 07:45

Actually no - it’s his home and he can decide who is there.

Good luck with telling people not to bother replying unless they are in the exact situation though.

In any case it doesn’t matter what people say. She doesn’t like you, you don’t like her. So he sees you separately, which is reasonable.

When your kids are adults, would you prioritise a partner over them or would you facilitate relationships with both of them separately

Either accept that you can’t just swan in when you want or split with him.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 15/09/2026 07:43

How often does she visit her Dad? Is it always planned in advance?Just trying to get a sense of the scale of the issue….??

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:43

There is no indication that OP wants to prevent DD30 from spending time at her childhood home. Quite the opposite in fact
You need to read the thread again. OP wrote that she wants him to only meet her in a restaurant and that she should stay at her mum's rather than her dad. Have you missed all that?

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:42

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:39

What thread are you reading because it’s clearly not this OP’s
Oh it is this one and a fair few are reading it just the same.

I don’t see anyone else making things up. Just you.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:41

Probably not, but OP didn’t say they had made any hard and fast arrangements, just that they had discussed it. Clearly if she decides to end the relationship there would be no need for the POA to be arranged
If she has doubts about the relationship, just as she's told him she prefers they keep their separate properties, she should tell him that it's not a good idea to get POA at this stage. It's simple. But getting POA is a way to get that 'dignity' she is so keen on and show the eldest that she is more important.

moderate · 15/09/2026 07:40

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:34

if he knows DD wouldn’t comply with his wishes he’s perfectly entitled to make other arrangements
And if he was pointed to this thread and read that OP was falling out of love with him because he is supposedly neglecting her dignity by agreeing to his daughter staying at her childhood home, do you really think he would go ahead with getting OP to have POA for him?

because he is supposedly neglecting her dignity by agreeing to his daughter staying at her childhood home

There is no indication that OP wants to prevent DD30 from spending time at her childhood home. Quite the opposite in fact.