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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 15/09/2026 08:59

I feel sorry for him to be honest. Don’t set yourself up in competition with his daughter and stay away if she’s visiting. I can understand that he doesn’t want to lose his relationship with her.
She sounds difficult but if you care about him why would you want to put him in a difficult situation just to prove that you come first.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:54

I don’t think it’s misunderstanding. It’s a deliberate misrepresentation to suit some personal narrative.
So why are you ignoring OP posting the daughter should stay at her mum rather than her dad? Is this an acceptable demand?

Switchnow · 15/09/2026 08:52

SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 06:47

The way you've written it sounds contradictory but it's not really when you stop and unpack. Yes I will have POA for health and that's entirely reasonable, precisely for the reason someone else had mentioned - currently, his next of kin would be his DD and, given the situation, literally no guarantee she would allow me to be by his bedside if he got run over by a bus. So yes, I'm very much going to have POA. It is for health only, not finances which I neither need nor want.

I agree it's not ideal that I'm on MN debating what to do about the relationship, there's no question about that. But I wanted to see what the average person in my shoes would feel, think and potentially do.

Yes I can be a professional woman and him still being a higher earner than me - and it being logical that he should contribute to my household as he spends a lot of time here. It's funny because on various women's chats I often see warnings against 'cocklodgers' and becoming 'a nurse and a purse'. Here we have a high earning man who is happy to support my household (in a modest way I'd add - it's not a huge amount and to me the meaning is more symbolic than anything) but that also raises suspicions somehow.

I assure you he's about as far from vulnerable as you can imagine - a very masculine, 6 ft man in a terrific physical condition and with a senior job in a multinational corporation, just really passive when it comes to his adult daughters due to complicated family history.

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It makes very little sense to me
to give either you or the elder DD sole POA given the animosity between you. Nothing you’ve said in the thread suggests you’d allow her access either.

The logical thing to do is give it to both DD’s jointly.

Strawberrryfields · 15/09/2026 08:52

SecretsAndLies77 · 15/09/2026 06:47

The way you've written it sounds contradictory but it's not really when you stop and unpack. Yes I will have POA for health and that's entirely reasonable, precisely for the reason someone else had mentioned - currently, his next of kin would be his DD and, given the situation, literally no guarantee she would allow me to be by his bedside if he got run over by a bus. So yes, I'm very much going to have POA. It is for health only, not finances which I neither need nor want.

I agree it's not ideal that I'm on MN debating what to do about the relationship, there's no question about that. But I wanted to see what the average person in my shoes would feel, think and potentially do.

Yes I can be a professional woman and him still being a higher earner than me - and it being logical that he should contribute to my household as he spends a lot of time here. It's funny because on various women's chats I often see warnings against 'cocklodgers' and becoming 'a nurse and a purse'. Here we have a high earning man who is happy to support my household (in a modest way I'd add - it's not a huge amount and to me the meaning is more symbolic than anything) but that also raises suspicions somehow.

I assure you he's about as far from vulnerable as you can imagine - a very masculine, 6 ft man in a terrific physical condition and with a senior job in a multinational corporation, just really passive when it comes to his adult daughters due to complicated family history.

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It’s not about how I’ve written it. It just doesn’t seem appropriate that you would have potential control over making health/ life decisions for someone you’re not sure you even want in your life anymore. I don’t think you should be having doubts whilst in the process of setting this up. It’s a huge demonstration of trust from him and you’re not being honest with him.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to contribute in some way if he’s at yours a significant part of the week. You were a bit vague about ‘financial contributions’ earlier saying it was a private matter and it was unclear what these were for. Buying shopping contributing to bills etc is one thing and totally reasonable but if, for example, his financial contributions was paying for your children’s schooling or whole new wardrobes, that would seem less reasonable. In that case could understand if your daughter felt you were using him and feel wary of you. Even if he was happy to do it.

He can be physically strong and professionally successful while still being vulnerable in a relationship. I think everyone can be to some extent. When you love someone you don’t always see the red flags. That can be true of both romantic and familial relationships.

moderate · 15/09/2026 08:51

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:03

You completely missed that DD turns up without prior warning and expects her dad to cancel any plans he has to prioritise her. That’s what is unreasonable here
Maybe maybe not.

If she happens to be in town one evening, late arrangement, and the plan was just to spend time at his house, then it wouldn't be unreasonable.

If she's there for a week, and expect her father to take her out when he's made plans with OP to go to the theatre, that's unreasonable. Context is in the detail, but OP stayed away from it.

Context is in the detail, but OP stayed away from it.

And you have made up detail to support your narrative about the OP, which is why I suspect you are projecting your own issues here.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:50

Hilarious. “With no evidence at all”? Have you not even read a single word in this thread? Or do you think the father has requested his daughter to completely shun OP?
The only evidence is that the daughter dislike OP. Nothing at all suggest that she wouldn't make health decisions in his best interest.

OP is frustrated that her partner is not wishing to get in conflict with his daughter in the name of her dignity. That in no way implies the daughter would want him to suffer!

BriarTime · 15/09/2026 08:47

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 16:09

He thinks it's going to change over time and we will live together! He doesn't want to live on his own when his younger daughter leaves home, which could be relatively soon. It's a bit crazy tbh. I don't really want to. I did at one point, but don't any more as I've come to seriously value my peace.

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You see, this has got me wondering about how he’s been navigating the relationships with the women in his life. You’ve already mentioned that he depended very heavily on his daughters for emotional support before you came along. Then you came along, so whatever closeness that dependence had fostered between him and his daughter was presumably eroded by this exciting relationship with a new woman. Now you say that he doesn’t want to live alone when the younger daughter leaves home, and I have to wonder if that isn’t because he’s depending on her for some kind of labour that he envisages you replacing. I think a lot of posters are missing the point here. Do you think he may be playing you off each other deliberately? Does it please him to be fought over in this way? It may be helpful to stop seeing this as a you vs her situation, especially when you claim there’s no rational reason for her to dislike you.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:47

moderate · 15/09/2026 08:29

OP has clearly said that she wouldn't want to be in his house when the daughter is there. Have you not read her messages?

OP has clearly said that she would be happy to be there, but it’s her DP that doesn’t want her there when DD30 is around. Have you completely misunderstood the situation?

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I don’t think it’s misunderstanding. It’s a deliberate misrepresentation to suit some personal narrative.

Switchnow · 15/09/2026 08:47

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 07:59

This is what OP wrote An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle.

She was asking a question, not saying that was what she wanted. She was exploring the principle that the decision to ‘allow’ her in his house was her partners’, not his DD’s to dictate, and that if she wasn’t comfortable with OP being there, lunch in a restaurant was an alternative. You completely missed that DD turns up without prior warning and expects her dad to cancel any plans he has to prioritise her. That’s what is unreasonable here.

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OP said that happened in the beginning and the DP put a stop to it - which is entirely right. She said since then she’s seen the DD 6/7 times, so it’s clearly not a regular occurrence any longer.

Since then she’s also decided she doesn’t want to live with him as she values her peace, is unsure if she loves him the same way, but is pressing ahead with getting POA. This seems very strange to me, and I would be extremely suspicious of a person doing this with my parent, especially one much younger and less well off who was already taking money from them.

moderate · 15/09/2026 08:47

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 07:50

Nope. Getting POA is their way of stopping DD from going against her fathers’ wishes, should anything happen to him
Interesting how you are assuming, with no evidence at all, that the daughter would go against her father's wishes.

I would have much more trust in my children having my best interests at heart than a partner of 4 years who doesn't want to live with me, says they are falling out of love with me because I insist my kids come and stay at my house, and is happy to receive financial support from me.

Interesting how you are assuming, with no evidence at all, that the daughter would go against her father's wishes.

Hilarious. “With no evidence at all”? Have you not even read a single word in this thread? Or do you think the father has requested his daughter to completely shun OP?

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:44

despite the fact that not only did OP say quite clearly in her first post that DD messaged her directly
No she didn't! She said she sent a message, not sent ME a message.

As for the he reprimanded her... HEAVILY prompted by me...OMG, talk about controlling behaviour!

Switchnow · 15/09/2026 08:41

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 04:51

I’d say it was the father. It’s his home and he lives there. Only problem is he’s spineless.

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He’s not spineless, he’s made a choice. OP just doesn’t like it.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:40

Maybe I’m wrong but it certainly seems that way from the complete dismissal of OP’s point of view in favour oof a man who’s too conflict avoidant to stop his daughter from being rude to his partner. Which is what it boils down to
No you're wrong. I just happen to think that looking at options to avoid conflict is the mature approach to a peaceful and respectful life.

OP wants her partner to confront his daughter, tell her how wonderful OP is and reprimand her for daring to not like her. She wants conflict but only if she knows ahead that she'll be the winner. Then when her partner says that's not what he wants, she accuses him of not respecting her dignity and decides he is not worth her love.

This is the ultimate definition of passive aggressive and subtle controlling behaviour.

ruthieness · 15/09/2026 08:38

i wonder if it would help you if he made more recognition to you of the fact that she is being unreasonable and badly behaved. Of course it is completely natural that she is jealous of the good relationship he has with you and your family - and may have concerns for long term financial issues. Most mature people realise that they have to acknowledge those feelings but cannot act upon them.

She will not “soften” and she does not in fact care for him so cutting off relationships with him is not a concern for her - but she might be worried about being disinherited!

in the future there will be many difficulties going far beyond being welcome in the house particularly around family occasions
christmas - weddings - grandchildren - and as you have mentioned when your partner is ill.

eventually will there be two funerals? One that you are at and one for her!

I understand that what has triggered your understandable indignation is the fact that she was being invited to your house for Christmas

this is not a natural consequence of her refusal to tolerate your company
the natural consequence is that she misses out!
so
I actually do think this is a moment for your partner to choose - you or her!
but mainly because if he chooses you and stands up to her she actually might realise that her behaviour has negative consequences for her and this will be the only way things will change. At the moment he has chosen you but is trying to placate her! It won’t work!

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:36

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:08

I agree fully that this is an assumption. However, you struggle to read properly. OP wrote 'Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful'.
She didn't write sent to me...

Anyway, this is now looking for things, so I agree it's not fair to have shared this assumption even though my gut feeling is that it wasn't written to her.

I struggle to read properly ? Really ? Well you’ve mentioned the message DD sent twice now and at one point you intimated that OP was reading her DP’s messages. Not only did you miss that OP said quite clearly in her first post that DD messaged her directly and then blocked her so she couldn’t reply, but you also missed my reply to yourself pointing that out. And you’ve also missed that at 15.54 yesterday OP replied to your post of 15.09 yesterday telling her that she still hadn’t said how that horrible message was communicated to her. Her reply confirmed (for the third time) that it had been sent directly to her. There’s nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. At all.

Whenisitsummer · 15/09/2026 08:34

Some people do keep their existing dc and their relationship separate. I think this is fine to do.
Especially when one party has no desire to spend any time with the other whatsoever.
I have keys for my parents and siblings homes. I don't think that means that I can come and go as I please, so I find that a bit of a strange take tbh.
In your situation, maintaining separate homes sounds like a sensible choice. It means that dp can have a relationship with everyone who is important to him and avoid things being more awkward than they need to be.

Ideally, everyone would get along and be able to spend time together, but it isn't a necessity and often just doesn't happen ( seen on here a lot).
Sharing a home together In the future could be something that isn't going to happen due to the dynamics though.

moderate · 15/09/2026 08:29

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:13

OP is perfectly happy for all of them to spend time in DD30’s childhood home. It’s only DD30 who refuses to let this happen
OP has clearly said that she wouldn't want to be in his house when the daughter is there. Have you not read her messages?

It's not about arrangements as such, it's about principles for OP. She feels he is not respecting her dignity by not telling OP overtly that she can still come whenever she wants even when the daughter is there, even though she said she would go because she wouldn't want to see her.

OP has clearly said that she wouldn't want to be in his house when the daughter is there. Have you not read her messages?

OP has clearly said that she would be happy to be there, but it’s her DP that doesn’t want her there when DD30 is around. Have you completely misunderstood the situation?

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:26

Notsosweetcaroline · 15/09/2026 08:23

So he’s much older than you and he pays you money for your living expenses, I can see how that doesn’t look good to her, for me, competing with his child will never work, just accept she doesn’t like you and get on with it, this isn’t a hill to die on.

No, he pays OP for his living expenses as he spends most of his time at OP’s home. On any ther thread he’d be a cocklodger for not doing so.

Morecoffeeneedef · 15/09/2026 08:26

My partner's DD doesn't like me after 20 years. If she threatened to walk out if I visited his home while she was there, I would stay away, because he's terrified of losing her. But importantly he is really grieved by her attitude towards me and knows I am upset by it, which makes me find the situation bearable.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:25

moderate · 15/09/2026 08:09

Because DD30 would walk out if OP came to call.

OP is perfectly happy for all of them to spend time in DD30’s childhood home. It’s only DD30 who refuses to let this happen.

But you already know this. You’ve just got some weird axe to grind. Perhaps you were the spoiled intransigent DD30 in this situation.

Show quote history

I get the feeling that there’s some sort of projection here too. Maybe I’m wrong but it certainly seems that way from the complete dismissal of OP’s point of view in favour oof a man who’s too conflict avoidant to stop his daughter from being rude to his partner. Which is what it boils down to.

Notsosweetcaroline · 15/09/2026 08:23

So he’s much older than you and he pays you money for your living expenses, I can see how that doesn’t look good to her, for me, competing with his child will never work, just accept she doesn’t like you and get on with it, this isn’t a hill to die on.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:22

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:18

I disagree. When you are with someone 95% of the time, sometimes, changing plans is not always unreasonable depending on the situation.

It happens all the time in healthy relationships. Gosh, my OH and I are supposed to play tennis together later, we do most week. If he text me in the next hour to say that his close friends who lives in Manchester will be over later and is it okay to cancel our tennis game exceptionally so they can go to have a pint at the pub, I'd say of course and have fun.

Some people look for outrage and conflict at any chance.

That’s very different to DP calling OP and cancelling plans because his DD has just turned up and doesn’t want OP around.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:20

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:13

OP is perfectly happy for all of them to spend time in DD30’s childhood home. It’s only DD30 who refuses to let this happen
OP has clearly said that she wouldn't want to be in his house when the daughter is there. Have you not read her messages?

It's not about arrangements as such, it's about principles for OP. She feels he is not respecting her dignity by not telling OP overtly that she can still come whenever she wants even when the daughter is there, even though she said she would go because she wouldn't want to see her.

Nope. It’s about him having free rein to visit OP any time he likes with no constraints, and not extending the same courtesy to her. To the point where he invited DD to spend Christmas with them at OP’s home. Had she accepted, OP would have had to host her, knowing that had the plan been to spend Christmas at DP’s home, the choice would have been OP or DD, not both. I think that’s a pretty awful way to treat OP to be honest.

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:18

I disagree. When you are with someone 95% of the time, sometimes, changing plans is not always unreasonable depending on the situation.

It happens all the time in healthy relationships. Gosh, my OH and I are supposed to play tennis together later, we do most week. If he text me in the next hour to say that his close friends who lives in Manchester will be over later and is it okay to cancel our tennis game exceptionally so they can go to have a pint at the pub, I'd say of course and have fun.

Some people look for outrage and conflict at any chance.

ThreadGuardDog · 15/09/2026 08:14

Passaggressfedup · 15/09/2026 08:03

You completely missed that DD turns up without prior warning and expects her dad to cancel any plans he has to prioritise her. That’s what is unreasonable here
Maybe maybe not.

If she happens to be in town one evening, late arrangement, and the plan was just to spend time at his house, then it wouldn't be unreasonable.

If she's there for a week, and expect her father to take her out when he's made plans with OP to go to the theatre, that's unreasonable. Context is in the detail, but OP stayed away from it.

What plan ? OP says she used to turn up unannounced and expect him to cancel his plans. What more detail do you want ? There is no context in which that’s reasonable.