I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

I’m not sure l could feel very loving towards someone who was constantly reinforcing the fact that l’m not his priority. I don’t think he’s so much avoiding conflict as preserving the status quo at OP’s expense. It doesn’t have to be a straight up conflict, but l think by this point he should at least have tried to intervene and explain to DD that her behaviour is upsetting to him as well as OP, and that there is plenty of room for both of them in his life.

I don’t think you’ll get very balanced answers here op. MN has a real issue with blended/step families and usually promote the ‘kids come first’ attitude even when the ‘kids’ in question are adults themselves.

You haven’t elaborated on why she has such a problem with you? Is it a personality clash or does she just not want her dad to be with anyone?

It would be a shame to end what it essentially a very good relationship just because of the actions of a grown woman who can’t be civil. I would really lay it on the line for your dh because being disrespectful and rude to you and your family isn’t ok and he should absolutely be addressing needlessly abusive behaviour. Just because she’s his daughter it doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to act like a twat for no reason. I think I’d try having one last, frank discussion and be clear about how close you are to the end because of this.

I do totally get why this would erode your love for him though, his failure to reprimand her shows that he is at best passive and at worst not bothered about her treatment towards you.

If he wants to prioritise his dd that’s his business but I foresee a very lonely future for him if that’s the case.

Who would ever want that over the living adult children of their partner?

Perhaps someone who doesn’t trust the adult child to act like an adult when the shit hits the fan. And DP has some agency in this - he’s just as invested in making sure his wishes are followed. But l agree it’s probably best left in the hands of both DDs with maybe some safeguards written into the POA as well.

There’s also a dilemma here because a POA won’t ensure full protection for OP. In the event that DP passes away, POA is automatically dissolved, so OP isn’t assured participation in funeral arrangements, or even access to his funeral. Given that OP says DP is quite a bit older than her, maybe this needs some consideration.

It absolutely could be, but I think we all have the right to leave somewhere if someone we detest turns up, don’t we?

The DP has asked OP not to come around because he wants to avoid conflict. I don’t understand why anyone would wilfully ignore the request of someone they love to deliberately force a showdown. That doesn’t seem very loving to me.

You can’t avoid conflict when one party is continually inviting it - in this case DD by way of her behaviour towards OP. It’s not avoidance of conflict, it’s accepting the status quo at someone elses’ expense.

OP wants the same deal with free access to DP’s home, as DP gets to hers. He’s welcome 24/7. OP isn’t - there are strings attached. She mentioned upthread that they're spending Christmas at OP’s home, and that DP had invited DD to join them. Had she accepted, OP would have hosted her knowing that she herself wouldn’t have been extended the same courtesy had they been spending Christmas at DP’s home. Had DD accepted that invitation OP would have been asked to stay away. It’s not an equal relationship and it constantly reinforces the fact that OP’s wishes come behind that of her DP and his daughter.

Joint POA requires the parties to agree on decisions. Since these two don’t even speak it seems unworkable, stressful and potentially dangerous. I’d advise either both DD’s (who are blood relations of course) and then the younger one can manage the OP’s access.

The fact OP wants it to come to her is a red flag to me. Who would ever want that over the living adult children of their partner? 🚨

If you can’t see that the daughter storming off would be an attempt to manipulate the father, there’s nothing I can really do to help you.

He has respected you by speaking to his daughter when she upset you, it’s now your turn to respect that she doesn’t want anything to do with you and if she is visiting her dad then you stay away.

if you can’t accept that then it’s time to end the relationship. Your relationship doesn’t trump his and his daughters relationship, children always come first.

Do you think that refusing to accept OP in her father’s life is acting in his best interest?
She's not accepting her in HER life. Nowhere has OP said she has told her father to dump her!

Sounds like OP should just start turning up at her father’s house and see if DD30 does just leave in a huff
What does this fit to do with OP saying the daughter should stay at her mum's so SHE can stay at his whenever she wants?

Why are some posters so determined to create conflict when it can be easily avoided? It's so immature and pathetic.

Maybe I’m wrong but it certainly seems that way from the complete dismissal of OP’s point of view in favour oof a man who’s too conflict avoidant to stop his daughter from being rude to his partner. Which is what it boils down to
No you're wrong. I just happen to think that looking at options to avoid conflict is the mature approach to a peaceful and respectful life.

OP wants her partner to confront his daughter, tell her how wonderful OP is and reprimand her for daring to not like her. She wants conflict but only if she knows ahead that she'll be the winner. Then when her partner says that's not what he wants, she accuses him of not respecting her dignity and decides he is not worth her love.

This is the ultimate definition of passive aggressive and subtle controlling behaviour.

I also think POA is a reasonable step because it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that in the event of a serious health issue, DD would be next of kin and would use that to make sure OP didn’t get anywhere near her dad. I think the fact that POA is even being discussed indicates that DP has his own concerns that DD wouldn’t follow his wishes. I think both DD and OP should be appointed as attorneys (assuming DD would agree) - that way they have to work together and neither can cut the other out.

Do you think that refusing to accept OP in her father’s life is acting in his best interest?

Sorry, yes, l’m aware that she no longer turns up without warning, l should have made that clear. OP has said they are in the process of sorting out POA, but surely that would only be in the event of the relationship continuing, since the only reason for having it was to protect against DD cutting OP out if there was a health event. My own feeling is that it would be better to split POA between DD and OP so they have to work together and neither can cut the other out - l can see how it would be difficult to get DD to agree though. As regards the money DP is paying OP, I had the impression that given the fact that he spends the majority of his time at OP’s home, he’s paying his way.

Putting your hostile tone aside, the point is that - while I may have been in his life for 4 years so far - he is expecting us to spend the rest of our life together. I would very much argue that I am the one who's here to stay, whereas she's off living her own life (as she should). The partner is the one who he'll see old age with, whereas kids go and do their own thing.
Anyway, thanks for writing and best wishes to you - we disagree on some fundamentals here.

I don’t think it’s misunderstanding. It’s a deliberate misrepresentation to suit some personal narrative.
So why are you ignoring OP posting the daughter should stay at her mum rather than her dad? Is this an acceptable demand?

I don’t think it’s misunderstanding. It’s a deliberate misrepresentation to suit some personal narrative.
So why are you ignoring OP posting the daughter should stay at her mum rather than her dad? Is this an acceptable demand?

Hilarious. “With no evidence at all”? Have you not even read a single word in this thread? Or do you think the father has requested his daughter to completely shun OP?
The only evidence is that the daughter dislike OP. Nothing at all suggest that she wouldn't make health decisions in his best interest.

OP is frustrated that her partner is not wishing to get in conflict with his daughter in the name of her dignity. That in no way implies the daughter would want him to suffer!

Thank you for your thoughtful and considered response. Have we talked about this...yes, many many times. His reactions vary. Sometimes he's extremely defensive. Other times he swear on his life he'll protect our relationship, promises change, says he sees it from my perspective, says that he knows she's arrogant and horrible. But it doesn't 'stick' particularly well (his resolutions - some things do and some don't and also it's never quite consistent). Does that make sense?

OP said that happened in the beginning and the DP put a stop to it - which is entirely right. She said since then she’s seen the DD 6/7 times, so it’s clearly not a regular occurrence any longer.

Since then she’s also decided she doesn’t want to live with him as she values her peace, is unsure if she loves him the same way, but is pressing ahead with getting POA. This seems very strange to me, and I would be extremely suspicious of a person doing this with my parent, especially one much younger and less well off who was already taking money from them.

OP said that happened in the beginning and the DP put a stop to it - which is entirely right. She said since then she’s seen the DD 6/7 times, so it’s clearly not a regular occurrence any longer.

Since then she’s also decided she doesn’t want to live with him as she values her peace, is unsure if she loves him the same way, but is pressing ahead with getting POA. This seems very strange to me, and I would be extremely suspicious of a person doing this with my parent, especially one much younger and less well off who was already taking money from them.