I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

Have you had a chat with him about what would happen if you moved in together, would you be expected to leave your home so she can visit or is she the reason why you don’t live together.

Would you not be interested in comments from the daughter in the situation?

You are getting some weird replies! You have even said in your op you understand his dd comes first, but that he cannot even show you he understands why you are hurt - that’s the main thing that would bother me as well. Also what if you moved in together? How would that work? Is he meant to keep his life on hold forever because his daughter won’t accept you. If there is no reason for the daughter disliking you, would she just be the same to any new woman? It seems unfair on your partner that he’s not allowed to move on. However that is between him and his daughter and unfortunately he appears to have made his decision. You also can’t change the way you feel though, and it’s only going to eat you up more and more so unless he is willing to challenge the current dynamic then it looks like you will have to walk away.

Why would you want to visit his house when she is there when you know she dislikes you and it will put your DP in an unpleasant situation?

It sounds like you are trying to mark his home as 'your territory' and emphasise to her that you can come and go as you please.

Your DP sounds like an absolute star. Don't put him in an awkward situation just to prove you can.

Incidentally, my adult DC, my brother, my BFF and my cleaner all have keys to my house. It doesn't make it their house and it doesn't mean they can come and go whenever they please.

I don’t think you’ll get very balanced answers here op. MN has a real issue with blended/step families and usually promote the ‘kids come first’ attitude even when the ‘kids’ in question are adults themselves.

You haven’t elaborated on why she has such a problem with you? Is it a personality clash or does she just not want her dad to be with anyone?

It would be a shame to end what it essentially a very good relationship just because of the actions of a grown woman who can’t be civil. I would really lay it on the line for your dh because being disrespectful and rude to you and your family isn’t ok and he should absolutely be addressing needlessly abusive behaviour. Just because she’s his daughter it doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to act like a twat for no reason. I think I’d try having one last, frank discussion and be clear about how close you are to the end because of this.

I do totally get why this would erode your love for him though, his failure to reprimand her shows that he is at best passive and at worst not bothered about her treatment towards you.

If he wants to prioritise his dd that’s his business but I foresee a very lonely future for him if that’s the case.

Why is he contributing to your house financially if you live separately?
Why don’t you just stay clear of the house when she is round and stay in your own home? You know you won’t be welcome so why would you want to go?

I totally can see why you feel the way you do, but if one of my adult kids felt the same I would put them first. I couldn’t imagine a world where I would dismiss their feelings in favour of someone who wasn’t their parent. It’s hard to say if she is being deliberately difficult at 30 though or if your presence genuinly upsets her.

Tbh at 30 she needs to grow up a little. If there’s no reason for her to treat you this way, sounds childish in my opinion. I’d understand if she was a teen or you were a home wrecker.

That doesn’t mean you have to use it! This is not your home. Unless she is there every week for days at a time then I do think that it’s not the end of the world for you to not go there. Your DP can come and see you or you can go out on dates. Why the insistence on having free access to another persons house?
Now, from your telling, she’s not handling this relationship well and is being rude and immature. You can’t make her like you. I would suggest you be the bigger person. Ignore/block all rude messages. Be polite if you ever do meet. Do your best not to force her to spend time with you. Ask your DP not to tell you anything she’s said about you.
This does all depend on how important this relationship is to you. I wouldn’t be allowing another adults tantrums to spoil a good thing with a man I loved.

What would happen is that he’d see his daughter outside of his home.

You've posted about this before, haven't you? This relationship just isn't working, which is I think what I said last time. I mean, you're deluding yourself to think this is a brilliant relationship with is also, separately 'turbulent' because of his daughters. His daughters, and his relationship with them isn't somehow separate to your relationship with him. His daughters are part of him, and hence part of the relationship. They're not going anywhere, and his way of being with them is unlikely to change significantly. You can't alter his behaviour, only your own.

Doesn't look like there is any future in this relationship Dd2 is always going to be top dog .

I get how you feel but ultimately he’s just putting his daughter first, and that’s exactly how it should be. Your children and their interests should always come before any other consideration, regardless of their age. That’s the deal we enter into when we have them.

I’m a bit surprised that all of the responses saying that you’re unreasonable. I’d agree that kids have to come first, especially if they were minors What about if OP wanted to eventually get married to this guy, or move in would it work then? It doesn’t sound like there are any ways that this would really work then, so in my mind, surely this would have to change eventually? Also the child is now a grown up and surely can’t really expect her Dad to not have a live in partner ever again?? Would be interested to hear others’ views on that point

I think that real relationships don't follow a set pattern and that each one has its challenges. Few circumstances in life occur according to what's fair, neither do they end up neatly concluded. Everything is a compromise and what compromises we're willing to make depends on the individual concerned.

As a “second wife” I agree with PP.

If he’s choosing Christmas with you over her, and you have a key to his house, he does care about you. Don’t make it you vs her because you’ll lose.

That said, you’re welcome to end any relationship you no longer enjoy.

Yep clocked on to what a demanding drama queen op is. If my parents had a partner who didn't live with them but thought it was their god given right to walk in whenever they wanted after being told by my parent they cannot I would be throwing them out. She's being very patient.

Morning OP .

Is there a back ground story here, did he leave her mother for you ? .
I don’t think i would throw away a what you say , is a very good relationship otherwise .
He just not want to risk his relationship with his daughter , I’m sure that sucks for you , but I feel sorry for him being honest .
I’m sure he hates it’s like this , but his daughter appears to be hard work .
I mean how often is she around ? .
It is manageable to maintain a relationship with your partner without being involved with his daughter .

I was in your situation but in reverse. My adult children didn't particularly like my partner. Honestly, I favoured my children and he just put up with it. They ( my children) did come to our house when we were both there, not particularly frequently, and I always asked for politeness, which everyone managed. Generally I spent a lot of time with them at their houses, holidays, days out. When he worked away they spent a lot of time with me at my house. I don't know why they didn't like him, they just said he wasn't their dad and they didn't know him. When my partner and I spoke about it, he just said well I'm not their dad.

I can see why his daughter doesn't like you.

I think you have to just accept that your partner's DD resents you. I am sure that there are lots of deep-seated reasons for this that are not personal to you. Just don't go there when she is there. Ask your partner to let you know when she is there.

I’m divorced and I have adult kids.

i’m not in a relationship but if I was my kids would come first.

she doesn’t like you. It happens. People don’t get on. I wouldn’t prioritise any new partner ahead of my adult kids.

he’s being very reasonable.

Also, just because you have a key, does not mean you are granted unlimited access 24/7!

Why would you want to be there when there is someone there you do not get on with? What would be the point of that? It would create a bad atmosphere and spoil the visit for your partner.

First off, you can’t dictate who responds to your post. You have no idea whether people are first wives, second wives, single, married, parents or step parents!

you’re clearly going to say everyone who disagrees with you is a “first wife”

if you don’t want his daughter to be invited to your house - tell him
if you believe you should be allowed to go to his house when she is there - tell him.

what you see as “unfair” is him putting his daughter’s feelings first, as is his right as her parent.

it is also your right to not be happy about it and change it!