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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
MrMucker · 14/09/2026 10:32

Sartre · 14/09/2026 10:28

I’m also in my 30s and can’t imagine a world in which I’d be so heavily invested in my parent’s relationships. Does she have a career? Family of her own? Why is she spending so much time causing drama with you and her dad, I think her behaviour is rather infantile and frankly embarrassing. I’d understand this from a teenager but a woman in her 30s?!

Yeah seems that way, but we don't have the back story or daughter's side of things

WildLeader · 14/09/2026 10:31

LarryForPrimeMinister · 14/09/2026 09:46

Yep clocked on to what a demanding drama queen op is. If my parents had a partner who didn't live with them but thought it was their god given right to walk in whenever they wanted after being told by my parent they cannot I would be throwing them out. She's being very patient.

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Utter BS. This ‘child’ is an adult and doesn’t live with her dad. She doesn’t get to dictate who he has to stay/visit.

kid gloves for too long is the reason for this mess. A difficult conversation dodged 4 years ago is what’s created this situation.

@SecretsAndLies77 ‘s DP should have sat his DD down and explained the relationship he has and that @SecretsAndLies77 will be a part of his life, as his DDs are too. Kindly put, deal with it.

she’s not a child. She’s being outrageously rude and enough is enough.

my now H wouldn’t have put up with this from his (all adult) DDs. Although I get on with all of them, so it’s a moot point. That said, I know that none of them would have ever been able to dictate who their dad spent time with/lived with.

his kids have a special place in his life, but I do too and given how I’ve supported and helped my DH over the years, he’d put me first and foremost on a day to day basis.

i hear all the time that kids come first, but it’s not as simple as that.

lets look at Love. We love our partners, we love our kids. We love our parents.

but each of those loves IS different. What love means in each of these situations is different. Conditional/unconditional, deferential/supportive. Affection/intimacy.

love isn’t black and white, @SecretsAndLies77 ‘s DP’s Dd is being ridiculous and actually does need pulling up.

Vivi0 · 14/09/2026 10:31

I’m in my 30s, and I’m cringing thinking about still having a bedroom at my dad’s house, or thinking I had a say in who he has in his own home.

Unfortunately, some people are just incredibly controlling. It sounds like his DD is this type of personality, and there is really not much you can do. It is up to her father to deal with this.

Personally, I would happily stay away when his DD is visiting. I would mentally detach from the situation entirely, and not think about it, bring it up in conversation with your partner etc.

But I would make it very, very clear to him that his DD isn’t welcome in your home, and that he should not extend invites to her on your behalf again.

sesquipedalian · 14/09/2026 10:30

OP, I think your DP is caught between a rock and a hard place - for whatever reason, his DD, whom he loves and obviously wants to see, has taken against you, so he finds it easiest and most expedient to keep you apart. I assume that so far, you have gone along with this. I do understand the difficulty of new partner - DC dynamics. I didn’t marry my DH until well after the DC had left home for precisely this reason, but it doesn’t sound as though things are going to improve with your DP. Have you asked him why his elder DD has taken against you? I know that my own DC tolerate DH, and I have been told in no uncertain terms that if I die first, they won’t ever come back to visit. From my POV, DH has never been anything other than tolerant, financially generous and accommodating of them, and their own DF causes them no end of worry by his kooky behaviour and unreliable ways. (I think he actually has MH issues that he simply won’t address.) All I can say is that you’ll never get your DP’s DD to do anything more than tolerate you - it depends on where you see this relationship going. Do you want to marry DP and move in with him? Or do you think this is what his DD is afraid of, and is so doing her best to ensure it can’t happen? DC do worry about things like inheritance, so try to find out what’s at the bottom of his DD’s dislike of you, and whether DP is prepared to change things, or whether he’s hoping things will carry on as they are indefinitely. It is unreasonable to expect a partner to alienate one of his DC, though, and ultimately, it depends on whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you as to whether you carry on with things as they are, or walk away.

Sartre · 14/09/2026 10:30

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 10:29

You want your DP to refuse to allow the DD at his home, because she doesn’t want to you to be there when she is?

Have I understood that correctly?

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No, his DD thinks she can call the shots for some reason and demand OP isn’t there whenever she is. It’s so bizarre. It’s not her home but also, she’s in her 30s!

Eddielizzard · 14/09/2026 10:30

I'm a first wife so you might like to stop reading at this point.

I think I would set some boundaries to redress the imbalance by saying she is not welcome in my home. So she wouldn't have been invited to Christmas.

I think the issue of you wanting him to meet his DD at a restaurant instead of his home because you want to feel you can pop over there unrestricted, is unreasonable. It is not your home, just as you can bar her from yours.

As you say, your love for him has diminished because of this issue. Maybe it is time to call it time. Would you be happier on your own?

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 10:29

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 10:23

Thank you. That's a really helpful and thoughtful response. An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle. My partner is never 'not allowed' at my house. There are times he's not there, but that's because there's stuff going on, not because someone has tried to veto his presence. The asymmetry really hurts me.

Problem is DP is almost pathologically conflict avoidant, so it's hard for me to judge anything by his reactions and I've no one else I could have as any sort of reasonable guide or 'yard stick'.

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You want your DP to refuse to allow the DD at his home, because she doesn’t want to you to be there when she is?

Have I understood that correctly?

MrMucker · 14/09/2026 10:29

Blimey, op casting herself in a new light with the suggestion that if thry don't get on he ought to meet his daughter in a restaurant. Wow, not on.
OP, this is about your attitude to conflict, which is to seek a win rather than to seek understanding or compromise.
You're trying to exert territorial rights to your partner's home. It's a huge overstep.

Also, you're not listening.

Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 10:28

The whole point of living separately as a couple is that you are keeping your home YOUR home and independence.

Having keys doesn't take that away. If your respective homes are each others home, why are you not living together? Especially if he helps you financially, it would be cheaper.

You need to accept age doesn't like you, end of. Maybe she doesn't like that you are financially dependent on him. That can be enough. He is entitled to have a separate relationship with her than with you.

You seem to want your cake and eat it. Not be a couple from the perspective of living separately but be a couple when it comes to him helping you financially, having access to his home when it suits you and making demands on his relationship with his daughter. And then if he doesn't do as you want, you just don't love any more.

As you've written your post, you come across as very controlling.

Sartre · 14/09/2026 10:28

I’m also in my 30s and can’t imagine a world in which I’d be so heavily invested in my parent’s relationships. Does she have a career? Family of her own? Why is she spending so much time causing drama with you and her dad, I think her behaviour is rather infantile and frankly embarrassing. I’d understand this from a teenager but a woman in her 30s?!

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 10:28

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 14/09/2026 10:16

I'm starting to think this is a bit of a Sunday morning sport for you...

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Erm, it's Monday. Thank you for your input.

OP posts:
AnonyMumAuDHD · 14/09/2026 10:28

Whilst I understand the hurt this engenders, if you choose to keep separate homes/live apart, then you both have the right to limit access to the other. It goes both ways, though. It’s complicated in later life relationships, where people have families from earlier relationships, and I think it’s fine that DP is choosing to manage those dynamics and interactions.

TishHope · 14/09/2026 10:27

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 10:23

Thank you. That's a really helpful and thoughtful response. An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle. My partner is never 'not allowed' at my house. There are times he's not there, but that's because there's stuff going on, not because someone has tried to veto his presence. The asymmetry really hurts me.

Problem is DP is almost pathologically conflict avoidant, so it's hard for me to judge anything by his reactions and I've no one else I could have as any sort of reasonable guide or 'yard stick'.

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In my opinion, it's not like you want to come storming in there and sit between them when she visits, but it's about ownership and territory. She absolutely will not 'share' her father with you.

Is marriage on the cards with your partner? Perhaps if you are planning a life together you could both sell up and buy a place together. This is what my now DH and I did.

If your DH is too scared of her to want more with you, then I guess you have to make a decision about is this enough for you and are you happy to carry on like this.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 10:27

SharkyBait · 14/09/2026 10:16

I think there are various elements here and I can’t vote either way because of it.

I think you not being at his house when she’s there is common sense- she doesn’t like you, doesn’t want to be around you and will walk out if you arrived at his house. He wants a relationship with his dd so in this case you have to suck it up. However, him inviting her to yours for Christmas (presumably without consulting you) is madness and unfair. It needs to work both ways.

For whatever reason, she doesn’t like you, and it doesn’t sound like this will change. Your dp is caught in the middle- he loves you both and so doesn’t want to upset anybody so he’s not acting at all and putting his head in the sand. Her not liking you is fine- not everybody will like us. However, normal people who don’t like someone are still usually civil and polite to that person, they just don’t go beyond that. Her being actively rude towards you and sending nasty messages goes beyond not liking someone. She sounds like a big baby. And your dp not automatically pulling her up on her behaviour towards you is unacceptable. If my children are ever rude or were ever rude to anyone, friend, family, acquaintance or stranger, they would be pulled up on it immediately regardless of their age. I can see how upsetting it is to be verbally attacked by his dd and he turns a blind eye to it until you forced his hand. He sounds weak.

I think OP, you need to think about whether you can tolerate the current status quo with not being allowed into his home when she’s there and knowing he won’t ever really back you…or you move on knowing it’s unlikely to ever change. Have you spoken to him and laid it out to him how you’ve explained it on here today? What did he say?

Thank you for your thoughtful and considered response. Have we talked about this...yes, many many times. His reactions vary. Sometimes he's extremely defensive. Other times he swear on his life he'll protect our relationship, promises change, says he sees it from my perspective, says that he knows she's arrogant and horrible. But it doesn't 'stick' particularly well (his resolutions - some things do and some don't and also it's never quite consistent). Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Girlwithavibe · 14/09/2026 10:24

My dad chose his partner over me and I didn't see him for 7 years!
He has missed out on so much
I didn't have a problem with her she had a problem with me so sometimes I would react to her problems and that ended up me looking like the bad person in this scenario!
Why doesn't she like U op.?
She's his daughter that's her dad do not ask him to compromise this is what happens when people have had past relationships u have to navigate them delicately and you need to get a thicker skin !
My dad's wife recently died and since April we have reconnected he's old and he knows what he did was wrong and he is now relying on me for help and I am his daughter so I help I don't hold grudges life is to short

TheOccupier · 14/09/2026 10:23

What does the younger daughter (the one you get on with) think about all of this?

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 10:23

TishHope · 14/09/2026 10:15

I had similar at one stage in my life, OP. My then partner's grown up daughter decided that he wasn't allowed to ever date anyone else in his life after his divorce. She didn't even know me to hate me. She had her own family but still didn't want him to ever have any relationships again.

I don't care how people respond on here, but there was no way I was going to put up with a jealous grown up daughter. Apparently it's not uncommon that selfish adult children want to keep a certain picture of their parents in their minds and the parent isn't allowed to have a life beyond that.

Obviously my partner continued to have a relationship with her, but it was with the understanding that she didn't own him and he was free to develop a new relationship as he saw fit. She refused to meet me (I must admit I didn't care about that) but she developed an understanding that she wasn't in charge.

Of course it's not ideal and of course I would always be open to a changed, positive atmosphere but he had choices to make regarding her behaviour and he made them.

Thank you. That's a really helpful and thoughtful response. An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle. My partner is never 'not allowed' at my house. There are times he's not there, but that's because there's stuff going on, not because someone has tried to veto his presence. The asymmetry really hurts me.

Problem is DP is almost pathologically conflict avoidant, so it's hard for me to judge anything by his reactions and I've no one else I could have as any sort of reasonable guide or 'yard stick'.

OP posts:
Overwhelmed664789 · 14/09/2026 10:22

I have a similar situation but dp’s kids are younger although all young adults. Two of them are lovely and fine with me, the oldest, well we don’t get on. There is no reason, she has just always been “off” with me. She was a teenager when we first met but she hasn’t warmed to me as she has grown up. Her parents divorced long before we got together but I am her dad’s first long term partner since, I don’t know if it’s because of that.

im not wholly comfortable with the situation but tbh her behaviour enrages me and I am quite happy to stay away when she visits. I don’t really have any advice, but solidarity. I too have wondered what the future holds in this relationship and sometimes doubt my position in his life. But I do still love him and am happy to ignore the child trying to separate us!

NeelyOHara · 14/09/2026 10:22

You don’t seem to be responding to any of these ‘thoughtful responses’. Simply chastising the posters who don’t agree with you.
Why does your boyfriend contribute to your household financially if you don’t have children together?
Is that what her text was about?

MelonSorbet · 14/09/2026 10:19

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 10:15

HI, thanks and don't worry at all about the comments that are clearly there to flex some weird argumentative internet power muscle. It literally doesn't matter - you always see comments like that and they don't matter either way.

I'm able to discern the well meaning from the trolls, regardless of whether they agree with me or not - I'm interested in thoughtful responses only.

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Nobody on here is trolling you OP.
I would absolutely love to hear the daughter's side of this.

AlteFrau · 14/09/2026 10:19

I think adult children should be polite to their parents new partner/s. (Probably even if the new partner has played a significant role in the ending of a marriage.)

I think a decent parent would always want to challenge incivility and to suggest to their daughter/son that a degree of acceptance that there's a new partner is really the best way forward.

On the whole though I'd say that a happy mature person in their thirties should not be showing that level of distress about who their Dad is with.

MrMucker · 14/09/2026 10:19

You haven't described her as a person, merely her attitude to you, similarly the other sibling, nothing about her, just that she loves you.
You've called the older one rude, spiteful and a coward.
Perhaps the starting point is you don't like her and she's picked up on that.

Also, she sent you a vile message and blocked you. Why? People don't just do that out of the blue. What was her message replying to? I'm guessing it wasn't "hi have a lovely day".

Your description of the situation is based entirely on what you'd like and what you need and how she's hurt you. There's literally nothing about her. Nicely, you seem needy of her approval but completely disinterested in her as a person.

Perhaps that's your answer?

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 10:18

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:40

but I do - this is the thing - I have a key

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I have a key to my neighbour’s, my father’s and a couple of friends. They have mine, as does my dog sitter. That doesn’t mean any of us have 24/7 access. What an odd take.

It doesn’t matter if your DP’s set up is reasonable or not, if you don’t like it and he won’t change it, it’s not going to be satisfactory.

He sounds like he’s putting his DD first when she’s there. Understandable that he does that, understandable that you don’t like it. But unless the relationship with her changes, the situation isn’t going to. And may become more difficult if she has kids who then come to visit grandad. So either accept the life you have with him or move on. Relationships are more complex when we get older and more people are involved. Maybe you’d prefer someone with no kids, or no relationship with their kids.

ClairDeLaLune · 14/09/2026 10:18

I think you should try to meet up with her just the two of you and calmly chat through what the problem is and how it can be fixed.

CandidRaven · 14/09/2026 10:18

I feel sorry for him he's obviously stuck in the middle and doesn't know what to do for the best, it's not his fault his daughter dislikes you, he sounds like he's trying to do the best he can where he can see you and see his daughter separately to avoid any dramas and not risk losing his daughter, maybe you should be the bigger person and respect that and see him when she's not there, at the end of the day when it comes to your children know matter how old they are they will always come first and he will always choose his daughter's feelings over yours as harsh as that is for you.