I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

That is what I think.

@SecretsAndLies77 I think your final paragraph sums up the issue - your partner is not wiling to upset his daughter, to put you first.

You said you've only met 6-7 times in four years... where has all the vitriol come from? Was there an incident or moment where she just arbitrarily decided that she wasn't going to be in the same room as you? If there wasn't, then your partner needs to sit her down and tell her that he expects her to respect his choices and to be courteous to you - and that he won't be telling you to leave the house on her say so.

Unless there is some massive backstory as to why she seemingly hates you, then you simply have a partner problem and he needs to man up.

SD is jealous of you. You are taking away her father's love and attention that she wants. You are an rival and an intruder. Can't you see that?

Hi OP, a few questions...

Has she been like this with previous girlfriends or partners your DP has had? Just wondering if it's a case of not wanting her dad to move on or have a romantic life of his own, or if it's specific to you?
Has her mum had/got a new partner, and is the DD accepting of them?
What was the cause of the divorce? If your DP initiated it, maybe she's punishing him in some way.

I wouldn't be happy in your situation that's she's calling the shots. She's 30, not a kid, and she needs to accept that your DP is entitled to have an emotional and romantic connection with someone other than her mother.

No comments just questions:

In an ideal world, how would you like him to react?

If it cost him his relationship with his daughter - whether she was overreacting or not - how would that be for you?

What would you do if things were the other way round and you were realistically facing losing contact with one of your children?

The more i read your replies the more i think you’re just being petty, like why do you need to be there when she is? you’ve seen her 4 times in four years so how is this a big problem, she’s 30 years old her dad can’t make her like you.

I'm not the demographic Op wants to answer but

The 30 year old should be much more civilised and follow the polite social conventions partly out of respect for her Father's choice of partner.

This ^^ - be an adult and polite.

Many people do not like parents new partners but manage basic politness. He could easily sit his grown child down and explain who he dates in none of her bussiness and he expects a basic level of politeness if you happen to meet.

However it's his house. If you lived together then making you not be there when daughter is would clearly be very wrong and I'd expect a netural locations outside home for meetups between them. However you do not - it's his house and key or not you need his permission to be there - so he's not wrong to ask you not to be in his house at certian times.

However if you do not like how he behaves in this relatonship - around access or around not standing up to his eldest daughter - then leave the relationship. You can talk to him but if his actions have not changed - then leave.

It's irrelevant, though, whether the OP is some kind of horrible villain and the DD is a put-upon saint. The situation is as it is, and the OP can only change her own behaviour, and not anyone else's. She can't make the daughter tolerate her, or force her partner to act differently as a parent.

I think that if you persist with your attitude of having the right to be in your partner’s house whenever you want, and on the occasions that his daughter is there (just to make a point, I suspect), you will either cause friction in your relationship or damage your partner’s one with her.

If the latter happens, and the daughter cuts him off or their relationship becomes extremely strained, he will likely blame you and feel such resentment towards you, that your relationship won’t recover. Accept that she doesn’t want a friendship with you, immature and unreasonable as that may be, and stop trying to insert yourself where you aren’t wanted.

You don’t even live together, suggesting he and his daughter should meet in a restaurant rather than his home, just because you have a key and may want to ‘pop in’ is frankly ridiculous.

When I was a young adult, I tried to rearrange a visit to my dad and his wife (not my step mum, they got together when I was 17) by arriving one day later, to give me a chance to rest after coming down with a D&V bug a few days before. My dad went apoplectic at me as it didn’t fit with their plans (I’m still not sure how, it was never explained) and I was ‘not making an effort to integrate with family life’. Other family members from both sides chimed in too. I didn’t go, and went NC for the best part of a year. We get on now, but I will never fully trust them again. It showed me how quickly I would be discarded if I didn’t toe the family line.

WChat are you long term plans with your partner. Don’t ever talk about moving in together? What does the thinking that?

havebyou suggested he and has daughter so some counselling?

but I do - this is the thing - I have a key

I have a key to my daughter's house and you can't get a much closer relationship than that. I wouldn't use it to enter her house without her express request or permission.

No, she’s only just 30. So she was in her 20’s when OP and her dad got together.
Why does her dad contribute financially to your household and children?

These are not young children these are adults so one would expect adult behaviour.
The 30 year old should be much more civilised and follow the polite social conventions partly out of respect for her Father's choice of partner.

This is why you have separate homes.
Just because someone has a key, they don’t just walk in knowing it is not convenient.

In my second marriage there were some very tricky times, when my husband felt he was piggy in the middle. When his daughter left for university she did not come home again, unless I was away for a few days. He saw her at university or they both stayed at her grandmother’s.
If we had kept our separate homes I would certainly not just have turned up at his when she was there. YABU. But probably so is she. We don’t know enough.

you said you woke up this morning and realised you are not in love with him, that there tells you everything you need to know. I’m very aware daughters can be very vindictive but honestly as a mum kids always come first, but saying that I’ve made sure my children are not disrespectful. If they don’t like someone they are still pleasant, just don’t need to be best buddies, they are 18 and 14 Obviously there’s 3 sides to every story, yours, hers and the truth. She’s 30 I think she can manage to keep her emotions in check enough for you to visit her dad.

I just think there isn’t much more you can do about this. I am not a first wife but looking at it just from an outsiders point of view, this has been 4 years, the situation is unlikely to change. It is how it is, either you are happy or want out.
My dad has a large family and quite a a few of them won’t set foot in each others houses and don’t speak and they are blood relatives, it just is how it is, at family events either one person goes or the other, or sometimes invite them all then let them decide or not to come. So I do think it’s entirely possible to manage this situation and continue with the relationship if you want and just leave things as they are.
but it’s unlikely to change.
have you ever had a conversation about it with her?

She's not in her 30s.

I knew as I clicked 'YANBU' that the vote would be going the other way. Mumsnet has become so militant and cruel over the past few years about certain topics, and blended families and step mothers really get some posters' juices going.

It feels to me that your DH has been a rabbit in headlights since this became an issue and he has remained frozen in that state. His inertia and I'd say cowardice here have prevented the issue from a potential (albeit unlikely) resolution, or to at least reach a truce where everybody's feelings are valid.

I am divorced. My new partner lives with me and the children. They like him. They do not like my ex husband's new wife. The children are encouraged to be polite and respectful, and they are. My daughter is the type to have Big Feelings (gets that from me) and she has really big feelings about the new wife, but we talk about it and work through it together. She doesn't strop about and the children's dad doesn't make the new wife live in the shed or something. Slight exaggeration there but you know what I mean.

I feel your DH has really let you down here, Op. He's abandoned you in this situation. I do think he's a coward. He's let both of you down really because, yes, it's unlikely given what you've posted about the daughter, but maybe there could have been a cordial relationship there that could have softened over time. It was never allowed to get to that point. I'm really sorry Op, it sounds so sad.

Batshit. She says they spend most of their time at her house anyway!

It depends, we don’t have loads of info but the fact he contributes financially to her household might be an issue. OP is seeming increasingly more controlling too. DD might be concerned about the set up.

Yes I think you have. Obviously OP and her children should be allowed to walk into this man’s house whenever they like. If the daughter doesn’t like that, she shouldn’t be allowed to spend time with her dad in her childhood home, and should be made go to a restaurant.

You don't live together.

One daughter dislikes you.

She doesn't want to see you when she comes to see her dad.

There's an "expectation" that you stay away from his house when his daughter is there to avoid conflict.

That's perfectly reasonable. He doesn't want drama when his daughter is visiting, he wants a nice visit. It's his house, not your house, so stay away. You don't have rights to enter someone else's home 24/7.

His doesn't chastise his daughter for you when she sent you a mean message.

She's an adult. It's not really up to him to referee your interpersonal conflict. He doesn't want to fall out with his daughter. Could he ask her to be polite? Sure, but he's not going to. He wants a comfortable life.

That's his family. You're his girlfriend. He values his kids more than you and that bothers you. There's nothing you can do about that. I don't see this relationship progressing past where it is now if one of his daughters dislikes you so much and he wants to keep from rocking the boat. If you don't like the way things are, break up.

I'm a lone parent. My kids come first. If I were him, I'd tell you clearly to back off when my kids are visiting and stop the drama and no, you can't have unlimited access to my home. I don't plan on marrying or living with someone again so what I have goes to my kids.

I suppose I’d think through what my lines are. I agree with others that having a key isn’t the same as 24/7 access no matter what. I would tell him he may not invite her around to mine, whether or not she will come; knowing how she feels about me she is not welcome and not invited, and he needs to respect my home enough to not even make the gesture.
the other line I’m not sure about is the family events- what does that mean? Does that mean you don’t go to his family things? You aren’t invited? She isn’t? Depending on the answer that might be a line- I wouldn’t be with a man where I was only allowed at family events if another 30 year old woman had said she was not coming. But I think I’d be ok with not going to his house when she’s around assuming that’s a fairly limited number of times. It does remove the option of living together because I would not leave my primary home to facilitate this woman, so if that’s a deal breaker then I’d end it. I think, without being in this situation, that those are my lines.