I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

Well that’s probably for the best then. As always we only have the OP’s side of this. If that is the DD’s concern then that can’t really be resolved.

Maybe the two women just don’t like each other. I think it’s entitled to moan because you can’t just be included in all of your partner’s family events.

We won’t get to the actual reasons but it’s almost guaranteed not to be one sided

The OP and her DP can’t live together full stop, unless something changes. Very naive of them to think this hasn’t crossed DD’s mind.

I don’t think it can be said that the DD is looking after her fathers’ interests if she’s chosen not to engage with his long term partner and is overtly rude to her. She’s forcing her dad to deal with that by ensuring OP doesn’t visit while his DD is there. That’s being deliberately difficult - how is it in his best interests ? If she has a problem with OP then she should be upfront about what it is so that it can at least be addressed, if not solved.

And what happens if they eventually want to live together - as DP has indicated this is where he sees the relationship going ? Is OP expected to vacate her own home to facilitate his daughter visiting ? I wouldn’t. Would you ? I think the top and bottom of this is that DD is behaving very childishly and putting her dad in a difficult position. Dad doesn’t want to upset DD, so is appeasing her at OP’s expense. There are no winners here and the relationship will inevitably end.

I had the impression that DP was contributing to OP’s household because he’s there a significant amount of the time - OP says she earns well and doesn’t need it so her kids benefit from it, so it sounds to me as though he’s doing it voluntarily. If that’s the case then I think it’s reasonable and fair play to him for not wanting to be a cocklodger.

From what OP has said, DD’s attitude has gone way beyond cautious. Whatever her reasons for not liking OP, stamping her foot, refusing to engage, and being unnecessarily rude to her isn’t going to sort anything out. Neither is forcing her dad into a position where he has to keep them separate. I get that OP’s attitude isn’t exactly helpful either, but I don’t think she can be blamed for reacting to the way DD has chosen to treat her.

What this needs is an honest conversation so that DD can say what her problem is and get it sorted. They may not be able to reach a compromise but at least OP would know why DD doesn’t want anything to do with her. If that conversation isn’t possible between OP and DD, then dad should step in and ask DD directly what the problem is. But he won’t because ‘conflict avoidant’.

And even if the partner tries to make it one.

The DD will always look after her father’s interests. She doesn’t like the OP and the OP doesn’t like her. So I don’t see the issue in them not being at the same places at the same time. The OP and her DP clearly can’t live together for the time being - that’s how things go unfortunately

Do you not think she may have legitimate (or at least what she feels to be legitimate) reasons? I can understand an adult child being concerned about her father dating a woman with young kids in case her intentions could be dodgy. I’m sure the OP’s aren’t dodgy but her DP does contribute financially to her household. Depending what that may look like, it’s reasonable for her to be cautious

Yes of course she has every right to be cautious. I was only responding to OP as someone who is in a similar situation to the one in which she finds herself, many years later, and how I deal with it. It’s very difficult indeed but one has to understand that a parent/child love is different from an adult partnership and it’s NOT a competition, even if the daughter tries to make it one.

** Just out of curiosity, if you were only 4 years in and not living together but could see that this is how difficult things would end up getting, would you still stay in the relationship or leave before it gets too serious?
This is a very difficult question to answer because of course we can’t see into the future and everyone is different.After four years we weren’t living together and I naturally assumed that my partner’s daughter would get used to the idea that we were an item. We bought our house and then got married. I would not have been able to imagine a scenario where I was cut out of her life. Perhaps with hindsight I would have run for the hills - but by the time she estranged herself twenty years had passed!

Do you not think she may have legitimate (or at least what she feels to be legitimate) reasons? I can understand an adult child being concerned about her father dating a woman with young kids in case her intentions could be dodgy. I’m sure the OP’s aren’t dodgy but her DP does contribute financially to her household. Depending what that may look like, it’s reasonable for her to be cautious

@DaringQuoter Just out of curiosity, if you were only 4 years in and not living together but could see that this is how difficult things would end up getting, would you still stay in the relationship or leave before it gets too serious?

I am in a very similar situation to OP, except that I am married, very happily on the whole. We have been together over 25 years and married for 16. DH has one daughter who appeared to accept me. Her parents divorced years before we met. He idolised her and they were extremely close. I always knew that she was wary of me but I thought she would know I never wanted to usurp her. The relationship improved hugely when she married and had children. We spent a lot of time together, holidays, weekends etc., and I honestly loved her children like my own.
Then came the rift.
Now only my husband is allowed to see her and the GC’s. I would love my husband to “stand up for me”, but like OP’s partner he is terrified of losing his daughter and the GC’s. OP, I think you have to understand that, essentially it’s a power struggle. The daughter is trying to prove she is more important to her Dad than you are. Obviously this is not the case. However, she is able to weaponise her children and you will need to accept that this is a battle you cannot win. I have had to accept this myself but the way I manage it is to be the bigger person and not give my husband any more grief over the situation than I can help. It’s a rotten situation to be in and my DH fully understands how unhappy it makes me to be deprived of the GC’s.
But we both know that if he were to take a stand on my behalf she would definitely go No Contact. I think it’s better for him to maintain a relationship with her and the GC’s, however difficult it may be.
We can’t control what other people do, and sometimes we just have to accept a less than perfect relationship. I love my DH very much and I know he loves me, but he would never be able to cope with the conflict any more than your DP.
Somtimes we have to accept Good Enough rather than Perfect. It’s up to you!
All I can say is that I can live with the way things are - even though it’s not what I would choose. Good Luck.

I think there definitely is an element of head in sand, but I don't think he's putting his DD first. if he did then he wouldn't be in a relationship with OP anymore. He wants to appease both, but it impossible, so he is hoping the issue will just go away if he does nothing.

The DD may just not like the OP of course. Or she may be concerned that the OP is using her father by moving in with her children and expecting financial support. (It sounds like he is quite generous).

Who knows? But whatever it is, the OP’s attitude isn’t going to help things. She may have to accept that. Once you dislike someone then it’s just about impossible to change that

Agree. I also wonder why DP hasn’t at least tried to find out why DD doesn’t like OP. Without knowing, how can it be addressed/resolved. The only conclusion I can come to for his passive response is that he already knows and doesn’t want to say.

How is it irrelevant ? The interpretation of DP’s behaviour throughout the thread is that he’s putting his DD first. I think it’s more that he’s burying his head in the sand and hoping things will work themselves out without his input - OP describes him as ‘conflict avoidant’. I get that he wants to avoid conflict with his DD but he’s not trying to address the situation at all. This is a man who has said he wants OP and her kids to live with him - a long term relationship. I think OP is right not to rush into something like that because in this instance at least, he doesn’t have her back. I would be wondering in what other circumstance that would be the case too. How on earth does he think they’re going to live together ? Is OP meant to leave her own home every time DD visits ?

Of course things are rarely that one sided in real life

I can understand that point of view too. I have to say that if any of my own children behaved the way this mans’ DD has I would be very disappointed in them, but I would also want to know why they were behaving that way towards my partner, address any misconceptions and do my best to reassure them that there was room for both of them in my life. I can well understand that DP doesn’t want conflict with his DD because of the risks to the relationship but he doesn’t seem to want to address it in any way at all, and to me that’s not just ‘conflict avoidant’ it’s trying to preserve the status quo at OP’s expense.

As far as I can see, the relationship is doomed unless DD comes around and I think OP knows it. That’s probably why her feelings have changed towards him. He’s not putting his DD first, he’s burying his head and hoping the whole thing will go away. There’s something deeply unattractive about that.

You keep saying you ‘don’t get it’ but lots of us have said we would not prioritise a partner over even adult children. What’s to (not) get? You have a view and you’re entitled to act as you see fit, others disagree. Neither is wrong, it’s just about finding a partner who shares your views or is willing to accommodate them. It sounds like OP has a very accommodating partner who she isn’t aligned with on something that happens less than twice a year. Only she knows whether she can tolerate that misalignment.

My own mum was in a similar position after my dad died. Dad had a very good friend who helped mum and I to care for dad when he was diagnosed with advanced cancer. The friend had been widowed some years earlier and was hugely supportive throughout dad’s illness, and after he died.

I hadn’t long been married so life was a bit full on, and it was nice to know mum had support and company as I worked full time. His grown, married DD however, refused to engage with mum and would walk out if she was at friends’ home when she visited. As with OP, she began to turn up unannounced and demand that he change his plans with mum to suit her. She made life absolutely miserable for them both.

He tolerated this for some time - mostly at mum’s request because she didn’t want them to fall out over her, but when it was clear the relationship was serious he took DD aside and told her that they planned to move in together so she needed to sort herself out as he had no intention of giving mum up. This was something I already knew but was asked not to say anything because they anticipated trouble with his DD They were right. She threw a massive strop, called mum some vile names and he asked her to leave.

At some point he had another conversation with her when things had calmed down a bit, and explained that the house was willed to her and provided it wasn’t needed to fund care in his old age, her inheritance was safe, as he and mum had decided to move into his home as it was a bungalow and more appropriate as they were both getting older. He’d made a will and told her that as long as it wasn’t needed to fund his care in old age, she would inherit her childhood home when he passed. She came around a bit after that but she was still cool towards mum, and very guarded.

As it happened he passed first and mum simply moved back to her old home, sold it and downsized. His DD sold up and cut contact almost immediately. Such is life. I think previous posters are right in that you can’t make someone like you, but there has to be a compromise somewhere and if DP isn’t prepared to intervene and support OP I don’t see how their relationship can move forward.

I don't see anyone saying that. It's just that the stakes are very high for the partner if he was to choose OP over his DD. Very few people would be willing to risk their relationship with their child over a partner, regardless of their age. I have grown kids and I look forward to spending time with them, seeing them mature and age, hopefully they will make me grandmother one day, meet lovely partners etc. I wouldn't want to miss out on that to keep a partner that I don't even know will work out, even if I felt that their dislike for my partner was unreasonable. I would try and reason with them, try to find out what it is that they dislike about him, but I would never tell them they can't spend time with me alone, or they can't come and stay with me.

But that's irrelevant. The OP can't impose her idea of what 'should' be happening on anyone, or indeed control anyone else's behaviour here. The OP's partner and his daughter have different ideas about what 'should' happen. The OP has the choice of accepting that and staying in the relationship or ending things.

This is what I don’t get. I’ve only ever seen this level of ‘kids come first’ on MN. While they’re children yes, I agree, their needs trump those of a partner, but once grown and able to understand the dynamics of a relationship, and especially if, as in OP’s case the DD is in a relationship and has her own home.

To be honest I think OP doesn’t just have a DD problem, she has a DP problem. In real life a few of my friends and family are in second relationships after divorce and none of them would tolerate this kind of behaviour from their grown children for a second. Yet on MN it seems that once you’re a parent, your whole life should be devoted to putting what your kids want before your own happiness, and accept that they’re entitled to behave appallingly if you don’t. It’s batshit.

Leave.

The daughter’s behaviour is disgusting and I don’t get why the cult of child worship dictates that parents always need to bow to the whims of poor behaving adult children.

My husband's ex was widowed, as was a mutual friend. They became partners and the ex's partner moved in with her. (His home was tied to his former job: he'd been promised a life tenancy and his former employer reneged on that.)

The ex's kids were happy for their mother to have a new partner, since it meant she wasn't on her own. The new partner had two kids. One accepted the situation; the other allowed her teenage son to write a letter disowning their grandfather for moving on so quickly - I recall that he moved in about a year after his wife died: he'd nursed her through cancer.

The ex and her new partner had a document drawn up to say that he was allowed to stay in her house if she predeceased him, but that it would then go to her children.

Only once the partner developed terminal cancer did his other kid and grandchildren see him again.

Thank goodness someone speaking some sense at last. Well said.

Have you tried speaking with her direct asking her why she feels the way she does about you. Maybe have a grown up conversation with her letting her know how much it affects her Dad being piggy in the middle & that you'd like to gt to know her more. If there's no reason you can think of for her disliking you it could just be she doesn't know you & resents the fact you have her Dads attention.

As far as not being welcome at DP home when she's there, don't let it worry you, do you really want to spend time with her if she's so rude anyway? Your DP has pulled her up when she's been rude to you in the past, try not to make him chose between you or cause friction for him & his DD as this will only make her worse because she'll see you as the one who comes between her & her Dad.