I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

Going to go against the grain and say he needs to manage the situation differently. I have grown up children, or adults as they are otherwise known, and I am entitled to live my life as I want to, as are they. He cannot expect to be able to invite his daughter who will not interact respectfully with you to your house and ban you from his when she happens to be there. I have always taught my DC to treat people with respect and would be pretty disappointed in an adult woman who felt a tantrum was more appropriate. Saying that, I also wouldn’t bother to have the argument with a man that couldn’t figure that out for himself, and the lack of consideration would indeed kill any feelings I had for them.

You can absolutely expect his daughter not to be rude to you, but you can't expect her not to have a private relationship with her father. They are entitled to time alone together. I'm not sure why you would want to encroach on this time? Your DP seems kind, loving, and open with you in all other aspects. It's obviously up to you entirely whether this is a situation you can accept long term.

If you were to live together, I would absent myself if the daughter was coming, or maybe your DP would go to her.

I have a very complicated extended family so lots of experience!

Which is all irrelevant if living together or marriage is actually what OP and her partner eventually want. And it’s really not the point is it - the point is that a grown woman is behaving like an entitled brat without the slightest care for the fact that it’s affecting her dad’s relationship with a long term partner.

A life where both partners keep their home an independence (though OP isn’t entirely independent) and enjoy spending time together sounds like a great set up with few downsides. Unlike getting married into a blended family set up that is unlikely to bring additional happiness to anyone.

That might sound like a great set up to you, but moving in together and get married is a completely normal relationship progression too.

And it sounds as though the OP’s children and her partner’s younger daughter would be completely happy with this set up.

I would die of shame if either of my parent’s had to live on their own for the rest of their lives, despite having a loving and supportive partner, in order to appease me.

You’d be crazy to throw away a good relationship because of this one issue.
Your negative thoughts about the situation and what it means about him are toxic.
Try to get clarity and use your wisdom.
In the great scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I guess he knows how you feel and to make him choose between you isn’t wise.

Why is it immature ? What OP is essentially saying is that she will never be able to move the relationship forward to marriage or even living together because it will impact on the relationship with his daughter.

The relationship is actually pretty established. They spend most of their time together and he contributes financially to her household. Why is living together and marriage seen as the only prize on MN? Look at all the miserable cohabitants and marrieds, who can’t leave because their finances are tied up together. At his and her age, what benefits does shared finances/marriage bring?

I'm one of the dreaded 'first wives' 🙄, but don't have a knee-jerk 'kids always come first' reaction—particularly because (basing this purely on what you've told us) this isn't about kids needing to come first, but adult kids wanting their own way, regardless of anything else.

I have some sympathy for your partner's daughter unhappiness that her dad's in a relationship with someone she doesn't like (for whatever reason), but that often happens when your parents are no longer together, and as an adult you usually try to get along well enough to share the same space from time to time. It's not unreasonable of you to feel hurt and frustrated by the asymmetry of the relationship and his unwillingness to ask her to be more understanding and respectful of his feelings, if nothing else, whereas he assumes you'll happily accept her in your home (if she ever chooses to come over).

My biggest question would be what happens if/when you ever want to live together. Unless you've both agreed earlier on that you don't want that, it feels like something that could be a big problem. (Maybe you've mentioned this and I missed it...)

Ultimately, if you feel that your love for him is fading because of this situation, does it really matter what anyone else thinks? You're allowed to have your own demands for your relationship.

This was my take on it too. The MN position on things like this seems to be that children - even grown adult children - always come first, no matter how badly behaved and no matter what the effect on the relationship.

What OP seems to be saying is that the relationship is actually going nowhere because they can never take it to another level and marry or live together, because that would impact on the relationship with his daughter. I simply don’t understand why a grown adult son or daughter would be allowed to have such an impact on the parents’ life choices. I think he needs to sit down with his DD and explain to her that OP is now his significant other and she needs to accept it and not be so overtly rude, otherwise he’s going to end up a very lonely old man.

I am divorced with adult kids but not in your situation. I do have a friend who is sort of in your partner's shoes though.

She has lived with her partner for 11 years, they both had kids when they met and they are all adults now. My friends DD was fine with the partner to start with but once she was mid-teens she couldn't stand him and it has stuck. She is now 24 and she avoids her mother's home as much as she can. She can't quite articulate why she hates the partner so much other than that she thinks he was too strict, that she didn't like having him around all the time, that her mother stopped spending as much time with her etc.

My friend has decided to stay with her partner and quite honestly, I can't quite see why. She hasn't spent Christmas with her DD for the last 9 or so years, she only sees her outside of the home or if her partner is away and her DD (who also lost her dad as a child) sees her paternal grandparents as her main parental figures. It has had a detrimental effect on their mother-child relationship and I worry about what will happen if my friend one day becomes a grandmother and what kind of a relationship they will have then.

I get that your DPs child is an adult and quite possibly completely unreasonable. There isn't much he can do about what another adult thinks about you. You can't discipline a 30 year old, but at the same she is still his child and nobody would willingly lose their relationship with their child.

Regardless it's bound to be very painful for your DP to have to make this choice. His relationship with his child gets further damaged if he stays with you. His relationship with you gets further damaged if he tries to have a close relationship with his child. There is just no way you can move forward together the way things are.

“Can’t you see that?”
Um, yes? But isn’t that the problem? We are not talking about a 5 year old girl here, we are talking about a grown adult.
OP you said in an earlier post “Personally, I kind of blame him”. Yes. It is entirely his doing, and it is entirely his situation to navigate out of. Parenting doesn’t stop when kids grow up and he’s not parenting her here, he’s running around after her every wish.
It’s 100% up to him to have a mature conversation with his own daughter. Tell her he loves her and that will never change. And - he has a full and happy life to live, and that includes you.
i do think it’s too late though. It doesn’t sound like he’s capable of that type of maturity himself which is a major, major ick. I can’t imagine being with someone so spineless and unable to parent effectively.
Yes there are emotions here, but we all have to manage our own and if that’s not possible - to therapy with you!
Exhausting. I don’t know how you can be bothered with it. And - I judge all of you who think the daughter’s behaviour (at 30 years old 😂) is acceptable. Understandable? Yes - she’s been raised by a spineless yes-parent. Acceptable? No. Get a collective grip.

You’d be throwing them out? When it’s not your house? I don’t think the OP is the drama queen.

Being an adult means behaving like one. Unless there’s a back story the OP is not challenging the DD’s relationship with her dad by merely existing. Of course the OP should give them space to spend time just together but I don’t think that means she shouldn’t drop by at some point without being harangued or the daughter blackmailing her father. That’s not being an adult that’s being a sulky toddler.

How was the 30 yrold DD rude and disrespectful to you and your family members specifically?
Why doesn't she like you?
Have you discussed how you feel with your DP and id so, what was his response?
Why is it quietly understood you are not allowed to visit his home when his DD is there?

I think there is quite a big difference between saying to a parent (or sibling, or any other family member actually) with whom you’re staying ‘I’d rather not see that person I don’t like’, and saying to a partner ‘I don’t want your family member staying with you unless I can come over while they’re there’ .

One is certainly demanding, though I think families are entitled to be a bit demanding with each other. One is just a bit weird, imo. A family member who made demands on me might be annoying, but a partner who did so would become instantly unattractive tbh. She has her own home, which he financially contributes to, and now she wants to create a competition between herself and his (presumably a couple of decades younger) daughter? It’s just a bit…undignified.

She knows the kid doesn’t like her, in her shoes I’d say ‘your kids are visiting that week so I’ve made plans to do X, and i’ll
see you when they leave. Have a great time!’

ETA: A man who prioritises his children - and daughters at that! - is refreshing and attractive.

He's right to consider his daughter's feelings. There's no need for you to be at his house all the time.

Kids should come first. Even if they're adults.

I am the partner with the child the adult-child who dislikes my having a SO. I am accepting of my DC's wish not to have any relationship with my partner. This has resulted in the end of several relationships. I am accepting of it. I don't think there is anything you can do. Your partner's child is not obliged to like you or want to spend time with you. I think it is reasonable for your partner to not want to include you (i.e. you are unwelcome) in visits with his adult child. If this is not acceptable to you, it is probably the end of the relationship, yes. Blended families are often very difficult.

Seconded; must make for many a fraught moment.

YABU. What can he do? It’s not his job to discipline a 30 year old ‘child’ to accept you, she’s an adult who wants nothing to do with you, and as she’s his daughter he understandably wants to maintain his relationship with her. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything wrong except keeping the two of you separate, which is understandable. As a PP said he’s spending Christmas with you and is with you at other times, so it’s not like he’s fully dancing to her tune (or that she’s demanded he ends it with you - if she has, then he hasn’t done so!)

If the situation doesn’t work for you, then you can end it, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to demand that he forces his DD to be there with you (or in practice doesn’t see her). You live apart so surely there shouldn’t be an expectation to be there all the time anyway.

fair point

If someone is so open to discussion in a forum, imagine in real life.

Why do you want to be there when she is, if she's so horrible?

My sibling is extremely nasty to both my step-dad and Mum a lot of the time. It's different because they are married so of course he's at home when sibling visits... But he often makes excuses to be out!

Mum will never give up on sibling regardless.

It does sound a bit messed up for sure and the older Dd sounds exhausting. However, he obviously doesn't feel like doing anything about it, maybe in fear of losing the relationship with her all together? I think you have to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you and stop trying to control any more than that.

I'm not a first or second wife but do have lots of divorces in the family and all adult children have all juat accepted new partners no issue. I wonder if she had a bad experience with one or other parent picking a new partner over her when she was young (not that that excuses rudeness).

The only thing I can think is perhaps he wasn't a great father to her when she was growing up and she resents him having a positive relationship with your kids and is taking it out on you? Other than that, her attitude and behaviour is absolutely ridiculous and childish. Perhaps best to go separate ways as he clearly doesn't want to tackle this disrespect of you as his life partner.

Exactly, it'spointless! I can see this story being massively expanded to deflect anyone that dares to disagree 🍿🍿🍿

I'm a 2nd wife and have had a similar dynamic, but in our case my dp daughter did something pretty awful that i cannot forgive - not to me - but that affected the whole family, for many years. I dont want to go into the sordid details on here.

I put a boundary in place that means I tolerate her, but I don't want a relationship with her, but my dp can do whatever he chooses.

Once you put in your own boundary it's a lot easier. Accept you won't have a relationship with her because you don't want a relationship with someone who does not know how to behave. Withdraw any invitation as a consequence of the rude message, and allow your dp to get on with his relationship with his daughter.

To put it this way - she has nothing you want - just put in your own boundary.