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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:53

LarryForPrimeMinister · 14/09/2026 09:46

Yep clocked on to what a demanding drama queen op is. If my parents had a partner who didn't live with them but thought it was their god given right to walk in whenever they wanted after being told by my parent they cannot I would be throwing them out. She's being very patient.

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And you appear to be one of those people who bring their own hate to internet forums where something is being discussed in good will.

"I would be throwing them out" - such an unnecessary flexing of some imaginary power.

All best wishes to you.

OP posts:
hourspassed · 14/09/2026 12:52

It all sounds pretty sad to me OP. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that your DH used to be 1000% available for them and chose them all the time and also that she doesn't have friends. She must see her Dad as 'hers' and no-one will ever be able to take her place or come before her. She clearly doesn't understand relationships very well (the no friends thing?) and it seems she just can't accept you or your children. Perhaps she is jealous of them too?

I do feel a bit sad for her tbh - she sounds like an upset and angry young woman but at 30, she's not a child.

In an ideal world, DH would speak with her properly, tell her he loves her but that you are a constant now in his life and he loves you too. There is no competition. Does she want him to be lonely and have no partner as he gets older? If he is unable to do this and she is unable to accept this then I'm afraid that your relationship doesn't have anywhere to go. You will never accept the situation and it will always upset you - so you have a difficult decision to make I think.

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 12:52

Vivi0 · 14/09/2026 12:25

A life where both partners keep their home an independence (though OP isn’t entirely independent) and enjoy spending time together sounds like a great set up with few downsides. Unlike getting married into a blended family set up that is unlikely to bring additional happiness to anyone.

That might sound like a great set up to you, but moving in together and get married is a completely normal relationship progression too.

And it sounds as though the OP’s children and her partner’s younger daughter would be completely happy with this set up.

I would die of shame if either of my parent’s had to live on their own for the rest of their lives, despite having a loving and supportive partner, in order to appease me.

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Of course it’s entirely normal to want that too. But in some cases the blended family situation means it’s unlikely make for a better life. Of course anyone can push their partner into a choice, or creating boundaries for their children. But if I did that to my partner I’d always know that I’d had to do that, and I’d know that it would hurt him and his relationship with her. Just so I could get what I wanted? Each to their own, but that’s not me.

At this point I don’t think we know if the older DD is unreasonable, the abusive texts is out of order but we’ve no context. And we don’t know how the other kids feel, other than they don’t hate OP.

Crispsjamtarts · 14/09/2026 12:52

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 12:15

This was my take on it too. The MN position on things like this seems to be that children - even grown adult children - always come first, no matter how badly behaved and no matter what the effect on the relationship.

What OP seems to be saying is that the relationship is actually going nowhere because they can never take it to another level and marry or live together, because that would impact on the relationship with his daughter. I simply don’t understand why a grown adult son or daughter would be allowed to have such an impact on the parents’ life choices. I think he needs to sit down with his DD and explain to her that OP is now his significant other and she needs to accept it and not be so overtly rude, otherwise he’s going to end up a very lonely old man.

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I find it refreshing the views here that children (yes even adult ones!) should come first. For many in my generation I think we have realised many things our parents have done that have intentionally or inadvertently fucked us up so royally and the lasting impact on ourselves, our relationships and what type of parents we too become. Perhaps I'm a snowflake but there you go ❄️

OtterlyAstounding · 14/09/2026 12:51

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:36

I'm reading the responses backwards so I may be missing some messages that put this into context.

I don't necessarily want to live with him. He was initially expecting that my DC and I would move in with him, as there are spare rooms in his house (actually, the eldest daughter would have lost her room that way in any case). But I didn't really want to, the location isn't good for my DC's schools and I enjoy having a bit of time and space for myself. It's good for the soul. My issue isn't with him spending time with her alone nor do I feel I have to be with him every second of every day. It's just this very specific feeling - that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again.

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As you've mentioned your children are at school, I do wonder how old you are, OP. And also, why he's contributing to your household. It seems possible those could be factors in the daughter's dislike.

Ultimately though, your boyfriend obviously prioritises his daughter's happiness over yours – and whether that's right or wrong in this situation, it seems unlikely to change.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:49

Missj25 · 14/09/2026 09:45

Morning OP .

Is there a back ground story here, did he leave her mother for you ? .
I don’t think i would throw away a what you say , is a very good relationship otherwise .
He just not want to risk his relationship with his daughter , I’m sure that sucks for you , but I feel sorry for him being honest .
I’m sure he hates it’s like this , but his daughter appears to be hard work .
I mean how often is she around ? .
It is manageable to maintain a relationship with your partner without being involved with his daughter .

Good morning, I promise you there is no backstory. He was divorced way before I ever met him.

OP posts:
Lexibletheflexible · 14/09/2026 12:49

It seems like you want him to show his daughter that you mean more than her and her feelings don't matter.

MintyBadgerPrincessCheese · 14/09/2026 12:49

The daughter used to live in that house. It is her childhood home.

The OP has never lived in that house.

If anyone 'should' have more say into who is welcome at which times, I'd say it was the daughter.

Missj25 · 14/09/2026 12:47

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:36

I'm reading the responses backwards so I may be missing some messages that put this into context.

I don't necessarily want to live with him. He was initially expecting that my DC and I would move in with him, as there are spare rooms in his house (actually, the eldest daughter would have lost her room that way in any case). But I didn't really want to, the location isn't good for my DC's schools and I enjoy having a bit of time and space for myself. It's good for the soul. My issue isn't with him spending time with her alone nor do I feel I have to be with him every second of every day. It's just this very specific feeling - that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again.

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OP , that’s just the way it is I’m afraid , it really is as simple as that ! .
There’s not a whole pile you can do about it .
You are kind of being very dramatic.
Your partner does love you, & due to circumstances that out of his control , it’s not viable , you & his daughter being together at the same time at his house .
This is how it is !, you either learn to accept it or don’t & leave your partner.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:46

Millytante · 14/09/2026 12:43

Yes, my reaction is that OP would relish an increase in her boyfriend’s taste for family drama, and his avoiding conflict greatly irritates her.
A big showdown with his daughter, probably in front of her (OP), where the DD really does end up flouncing out cursing her weak father for not dumping OP instantly, would be her idea of progress, I think!

As has been observed by a good few in the thread, for OP winning seems to be the main aim, casualties be damned.

I think the issue of unfettered access to this man’s house is a very misguided hill to die on, since resolving it to OP’s satisfaction will surely mean everybody loses, including OP whose boyfriend would presumably be unable to regard her with equanimity after the carnage.

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I appreciate your flowery writing style (it's fun!), however you're missing the point. I get it, my original post was a bit long and has much detail in. It's NOT about me dropping in announced. It's the principle of being welcome at most times / not being welcome at some other times, on the whim of a person who doesn't even live in our bloody town let alone that actual house. But never mind - thank you for the input.

OP posts:
Millytante · 14/09/2026 12:46

Kokonimater · 14/09/2026 12:24

You’d be crazy to throw away a good relationship because of this one issue.
Your negative thoughts about the situation and what it means about him are toxic.
Try to get clarity and use your wisdom.
In the great scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I guess he knows how you feel and to make him choose between you isn’t wise.

This 👆🏼

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:44

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 12:26

Which is all irrelevant if living together or marriage is actually what OP and her partner eventually want. And it’s really not the point is it - the point is that a grown woman is behaving like an entitled brat without the slightest care for the fact that it’s affecting her dad’s relationship with a long term partner.

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Thank you.

OP posts:
Millytante · 14/09/2026 12:43

Babyboomtastic · 14/09/2026 10:59

I'm starting to wonder if the cause of the tension between you is how similar you both are. I see I'm not the only one who has picked up on it.

Yes, my reaction is that OP would relish an increase in her boyfriend’s taste for family drama, and his avoiding conflict greatly irritates her.
A big showdown with his daughter, probably in front of her (OP), where the DD really does end up flouncing out cursing her weak father for not dumping OP instantly, would be her idea of progress, I think!

As has been observed by a good few in the thread, for OP winning seems to be the main aim, casualties be damned.

I think the issue of unfettered access to this man’s house is a very misguided hill to die on, since resolving it to OP’s satisfaction will surely mean everybody loses, including OP whose boyfriend would presumably be unable to regard her with equanimity after the carnage.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:42

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 12:33

Yep, pretty much this.

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Thank you. I appreciate the comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:42

Miyagi99 · 14/09/2026 12:38

I have a key to my partner’s house and he mine but neither of us would turn up out of the blue, that’s just being polite.

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That's fair enough, but people are different, and also I'm not necessarily talking about turning up. Although at all other times I could turn up, for example if I was in the neighbourhood for some reason, as my partner has a number of times - pop in for a cup of tea sort of thing. Why don't people do that with partners? I don't understand. It seems very normal and natural. But in any case, I'm not talking about dropping in from the sky.

OP posts:
Purpleharlow · 14/09/2026 12:41

FannybygaslightinGovan · 14/09/2026 09:44

I can see why his daughter doesn't like you.

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Took the words right out of my mouth.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:39

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 12:36

He shouldn’t have to choose between them and OP isn’t the one forcing the choice. Refusing to interact with her dad’s long term partner for no good reason and being overtly rude when they do cross paths is a clear indication that DD thinks she can dictate what her dad does, with the threat of NC if he doesn’t comply. It’s batshit.

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This is exactly how it's been. I've just never heard of or come across such behaviour. No one is forcing her to be friends with me (nor do I want that, after everything) but she is exercising a veto. I've put up with it, but am coming to the point where I wonder why I'm still loving a man who allows someone - anyone - vetoing who he can have in his own home (and then he expects me to just return to normal afterwards).

OP posts:
WingnutSOS · 14/09/2026 12:39

from OPs post and subsequent comments, have to say I am Team Daughter….

Miyagi99 · 14/09/2026 12:38

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:40

but I do - this is the thing - I have a key

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I have a key to my partner’s house and he mine but neither of us would turn up out of the blue, that’s just being polite.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:36

Vivi0 · 14/09/2026 12:29

At his and her age, what benefits does shared finances/marriage bring?

Companionship, for starters.

It would also give them both more disposable income. Why would they run 2 households instead of one?

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I'm reading the responses backwards so I may be missing some messages that put this into context.

I don't necessarily want to live with him. He was initially expecting that my DC and I would move in with him, as there are spare rooms in his house (actually, the eldest daughter would have lost her room that way in any case). But I didn't really want to, the location isn't good for my DC's schools and I enjoy having a bit of time and space for myself. It's good for the soul. My issue isn't with him spending time with her alone nor do I feel I have to be with him every second of every day. It's just this very specific feeling - that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again.

OP posts:
ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 12:36

Kokonimater · 14/09/2026 12:24

You’d be crazy to throw away a good relationship because of this one issue.
Your negative thoughts about the situation and what it means about him are toxic.
Try to get clarity and use your wisdom.
In the great scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I guess he knows how you feel and to make him choose between you isn’t wise.

He shouldn’t have to choose between them and OP isn’t the one forcing the choice. Refusing to interact with her dad’s long term partner for no good reason and being overtly rude when they do cross paths is a clear indication that DD thinks she can dictate what her dad does, with the threat of NC if he doesn’t comply. It’s batshit.

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 12:33

mustreadmorebooks · 14/09/2026 12:28

Going to go against the grain and say he needs to manage the situation differently. I have grown up children, or adults as they are otherwise known, and I am entitled to live my life as I want to, as are they. He cannot expect to be able to invite his daughter who will not interact respectfully with you to your house and ban you from his when she happens to be there. I have always taught my DC to treat people with respect and would be pretty disappointed in an adult woman who felt a tantrum was more appropriate. Saying that, I also wouldn’t bother to have the argument with a man that couldn’t figure that out for himself, and the lack of consideration would indeed kill any feelings I had for them.

Yep, pretty much this.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:32

TheHateIsNotGood · 14/09/2026 11:30

OP has still not addressed here about her DP's 'financial contributions' to her household. This evasiveness and putting the focus on DD's 'personality faults' as the cause of her dislike of OP would be a big red flag to me if I was the DD.

Not sure what you mean - there's nothing for me to address, and it's certainly not the adult daughter's business what DP does with his money. She's financially independent and our reasons for his contribution are between him and me as a couple.

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 14/09/2026 12:29

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 12:22

The relationship is actually pretty established. They spend most of their time together and he contributes financially to her household. Why is living together and marriage seen as the only prize on MN? Look at all the miserable cohabitants and marrieds, who can’t leave because their finances are tied up together. At his and her age, what benefits does shared finances/marriage bring?

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At his and her age, what benefits does shared finances/marriage bring?

Companionship, for starters.

It would also give them both more disposable income. Why would they run 2 households instead of one?

Bigcat25 · 14/09/2026 12:28

Although there's more to it than just this, some people don't like others popping by their house unannounced. They like some notice and want to feel they can chill out in the boxer shorts or whatever without you popping in unexpectedly.

Yes she doesn't live there, but it's still her dad's house. She should be able to see him one on one sometimes. She should also accept that he's allowed to have a partner and not be manipulative with the threat of nc.

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