I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

Kids needs come first, yes, but not always their wants.

Very different things.

And she's hardly a kid is she, she's in her 30's.
I'd say you both need to sit down and try and forge some sort of friendship but I doubt she'd want to, for whatever reason. In which case, and take it from someone who knows OP, this won't get better.

TBH, I think that the only time my husband's daughter was really pleased to have me around was when I became my husband's carer and then helped out with her mum to a small extent (after she was widowed yet again).

Someone upthread mentioned inheritance. Perhaps that's an issue.

After DH died, I realised that the kids had expected to inherit more. They hadn't realised that I was the main breadwinner in the household and we'd kept separate finances after being advised to do so by a bank manager.

Why would OP have altered the relationship though ? I’m not sure the problem here is DD just turning up to see her dad, it’s the fact that she’s rude to OP if she’s there. So to appease his DD, her dad keeps them separate. By the age of 30 I would expect any child of mine to be mature enough to be polite and civil, rather than expecting her dad’s life to revolve around her - especially when she has her own home and partner.

depends on the partner?

Are you quite close in age to his eldest daughter?

Is it quite strange… surely most women in their thirties would be really pleased their mam/dad has found a partner to be with and that they aren’t lonely?

is the DD30 worried that you will stake a claim to her inheritance? It could be as simple as that. Or she thinks you and your DC are his second family and that he's more interested in them than her?
The other clue is that he relied on his DDs for years for social interaction and now very much less so. She feels you have replaced her and she can't stand it.
You said
" the bottom line - it's her way or the highway, and she has punished him massively through withdrawal whenever he put our relationship first in any way."
You've described her bullying him because he won't change his plans with you at the last minute ( which isn't fair of her) and resenting it by turning the cold shoulder and now he's scared.
So it seems like he has tried.

I think its only fair to expect a person, who you have (really think about if this is correct or if she would see it as correct) treated respectfully and nicely and been welcoming to, treats you with the same respect.
She is an adult with her own life.. but I think she is jealous because she was with her sister Number 1 in her dad's life and now she feels she's not.

I think the only solution is your Partner to sit down with her and discuss, without letting her strop, exactly what she thinks the solution is.

1. Is she actually suggesting that he breaks up with you? Is it you personally or anyone he might have a relationship with in the future.Does she want him having a partner/companion ever? at all?

2. Can she think what it would be like if he treated her partner the way she treats you? If he was rude, walked out of the room when her partner entered. Ignored him. What if her partner got so fed up with DFs behaviour that he just left? How would she feel about DF? Would she wish he'd tried to modify his behaviour. How would she react if he said You can come for Xmas but your partner has to stay at home alone because I cant be in the same room as him.

3. How would she feel if he demanded that she drop arrangements she's made with her partner to spend time with him and if she didn't he started ignoring her.

4. DD 20 wont be living there forever. Does she want him to spend the rest of his life alone. How would a future partner be treated by her? Does she expect him to keep going through partner after partner and breaking up with them because she doesn't accept them? How would she feel if he treated her partner like that?

5. Does she want to be the person looking after him full time in his old age?
   6) Can he reassure her that it won't affect her inheritance?

6. What solutions does she have?

7. How much time does she actually want him to spend with her. How much would be enough.

8. does she want to host him for Christmas etc for the rest of her life?

9. can she imagine what it would be like if you both got on like you and DD20?

Its a long list. It might take more than one conversation.. Maybe he's not up to it.. if not could there be some kind of mediator?
But he should raise these topics with her. If her behaviour is due to in security or jealousy, then actually raising questions like these may make her see that she's not being fair.

Also. If their bedrooms are a bit of a shrine to when she lived there. I think it might be an idea of offer to redecorate so that it's a really nice room for her adult visits and more comfortable for her and her partner?

Maybe talking such points over with your partner would help you decide too.. how does he see your future together with this going on and on and fucking up every single family meeting. What if you banned him from all your family events?
It really depends on how he sees your relationship and what you want from it.
It's very sad to have a person involved who wants to split you up.
The DD30 needs therapy, but would probably be outraged if her DF suggested this. Has he also had a chat with her partner? Does the partner behave the same way to you?
You don't have to be best mates, although she's probably also jealous of your good relationship with DD20. You just have to be tolerant and respectful towards each other and that has to be genuine, not just performative welcomes followed by hard stares.

Sure, if that’s what they want they will have to iron this out. But in life we sometimes have to accept that what we ‘want’ can’t happen, or not without consequences. It sounds like the DP is fine with the situation and OP is not. So she needs to make her own choices.

As I said already, abusive texts aside we don’t really have any evidence that the DD is behaving like a brat. We’ve no context for the dislike, and OP is being silent on that or the texts (unless I’ve missed). I don’t consider it unreasonable to say ‘Dad I’m coming to visit, would you mind if Secrets didn’t come over when I’m there because it’s stressful for us all’. He can say no if he wishes, but he hasn’t.

On the other hand, OP has suggested the DD should be made to stay elsewhere if her ‘24/7 access’ is compromised. Pretty entitled no?

Why on earth is he contributing to your household?! No wonder daughter isn't keen.

Unfortunately, your DP is a big ol' coward. You know it, she knows it.

I think she's behaving like a real spoilt madam, knowing he is spineless. She does not have to like or hang out with you but if she has been very rude to/about you with no good reason then of course your DP should have words. He's not cutting her off but she needs to know she can't behave like that with impunity. It's not like she is 7, and you need to know he has your back. What's going to happen when the younger one has a life event/marriage? She'll be telling Daddy that she won't go if nasty OP goes. You have a spineless DP issue here. Only you know whether you can ignore it/her or not.

No partner would ever be ALWAYS welcome at my home.

The reason people don’t live with a partner is because they want their space and that should be respected.

There are times when I want it just me and my DC, are seeing my family or friends or just want time alone.

I would definitely not be ok with a partner (or anyone) just turning up, it’s rude.

This would not bother me at all.

However, the issue is going to be where you both see this relationship heading - are you planning to live apart forever or eventually one day move in together?

I suspect that because you don't live together permanently, @OP , the daughter sees you to an extent as 'just' another visitor. (Yes, I've seen and understand your explanation as to why you've kept separate homes and many people do the same.)

My husband I married some years after his divorce and it was his first wife who had an Affair Partner from work.

I suspected that his daughter merely tolerated me, but I could never quite put my finger on it. I think she mistakenly thought that I was the marriage wrecker - the kids were adults and living in another part of the country when my husband found out that his then wife had spent the night with a work colleague.

I also get the feeling that our age difference was a problem. Bizarrely, the daughter was the OW in her relationship [which I didn't realise at the time] and there was a similar age difference. However, I guess there's no logic to these things.

Unfortunately, the daughter's partner died unexpectedly. She had difficult dealings with her partner's ex-wife. I got a phone call from the daughter and she then said that she was only now realising how things must have been for me, dealing with her mother. As I said, I didn't realise at the time that she'd been the OW - I only realised the timeline much later.

As you say, you weren't the OW, but sometimes even adult children have a fantasy of their parents getting back together again or of having their dad to themselves without an 'outsider' getting in the way. There's not necessarily ill intent - maybe just human nature.

The main problem is, she sees it as her house as jt is her childhood home. I still see my bedroom as my bedroom at my parents house. It is silly I know.
If he bought a different house (not for-/with you) I think the dynamic might be different.

I agree - it could well be making things worse.

My siblings who didn't move out of the area can be like that - last stop for care I did they were sweeping in and out and taking and leaving stuff without a by your leave to her as they grew up in house they still see it as theirs. She moaned to me but it was her places to tell them not mine. She did after Dad death have to tell one sibling it was her house and she was only one living in it so it was none of his bussiness who she invited in.

I suspect as we've moved kids rooms round so smallest room is with one at uni - we'd get slightly less of this but it's certainly a reason to move when they do get to full independence - think about what we'll need in a house as we age. Both actions I've seen greated with horror by some posters on here.

@Cherry8809 probably OPs response will again be a disingenuous 'I don't understand what you mean'. Or that the 'financial contributions' are nobody's else's business except her DH and her.

It isn't very difficult to understand that an adult DC would have concerns that their DF might be taken advantage and not like it. The DD sounds quite mature really in that whilst not liking OP (for whatever reason) she accepts the situation enough to limit her visits to her DF and only asks that the OP isn't there when she does.

Been with DP for 4 years...good to me and my kids, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together

If a woman started a thread saying she financially contributes to the household of a man she doesn't even live with, you can guess how the replies would go!

The daughter sounds hard work, I cant imagine holding a grudge and actively making my Dad's life hard.

But...something happened in those early days. Your involvement with her Dad altered their relationship and not for the better. She couldn't just turn up and see him and have his undivided attention because you put a stop to it.
I'm not saying she is right to expect his undivided attention whenever she feels like it for the rest of her life, but the reason she hasn't got it is you.

I'd be wondering exactly how those conversations went in the early days. Did he tell her she can't just show up and expect him to drop everything because you said so? Probably, sounds a little spineless so he blamed you. Easier in the moment than admitting to her that he wanted to spend time with you doing whatever you'd planned together.

Honestly, if my Dad was in a new relationship and I was used to just being able to turn up to his house whenever I fancied it and having a beer with him, chatting on the phone etc, and the new gf decided that wasn't acceptable I'd probably be pissed off too.

To be fair I think your statement that you had ‘24/7 access’ because you have a key sounded very much like a flex.

God you do sound like hard work OP. Sure, these are your feelings but it’s not a ‘principle’ any more than it’s a principle that she doesn’t want see someone she dislikes when she’s visiting her one and only father.

She has feelings, you have feelings, he has feelings. None are more important than anyone else’s and ultimately the DP is the one who has to do the tapestry work where they overlap. He has done, and you don’t like what he’s done. Fine.

If you keep making it into something bigger, you’ll destroy the relationship.

He's not going to change. Why should he? It's his house. You have your house. She sounds like a nightmare that I wouldn't want to get to know, anyway. Don't involve her in your life. Don't expect him to stand up to her, it's gone on for too long. Why split up over a "child" who seems to have her own problems and who is not in your life? This is her problem, why make it yours?

I understand your problem, you feel he is putting her happiness above yours and it is letting her know she is more important. In a lot od waya she is even though she is an adult just like you dont want to move because it doesnt suit your kids school.
The main problem is, she sees it as her house as jt is her childhood home. I still see my bedroom as my bedroom at my parents house. It is silly I know.
If he bought a different house (not for-/with you) I think the dynamic might be different. I would also be annoyed my dad was giving money to another womans children whether it was my business or not.

You might do that if all everything else is fine and dandy - but it's not so you don't do it!

No point throwing your toys out the pram, just live and let live...without pissing all over your relationship and moreover your DP's relationship with his DD.

My goodness, you read as incredibly petulant and unlikeable.

Unless you’ve got children together, I can’t see a reason why he would need to be contributing financially to your household. Perhaps the daughter has clocked on to some gold digger vibes, and is not shy in letting you know how she feels about that.

My issue isn't with him spending time with her alone nor do I feel I have to be with him every second of every day. It's just this very specific feeling - that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again.

While I think it's down to the homeowner to say he does or doesn't come into their house when they choose - I think it's the issue that has just highlighted that he's not demanding his eldest have basic courtesy towards you.

She doesn't have to like you but there a level of basic politeness you'd expect from an adult - that she failed to provide and your DP when that's become obvious failed to demand. You feel you are always the one made to compromise becuase he's so worried about bringing things up with her.

TBH if you'be brought up the lack of basic respect to you and he's not addressed it - he likely won't change. Not surprised that erode your affection and respect for him to point you are wondering if you even like him.

What if the daughter is specifically asking her father when you won't be there so she can come? I.e. she acknowledges you just don't get on, you don't want to see her, she doesn't want any drama, so she's just scheduling her visits when you're at your own house. Would that change your view?