I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

Can you tell us what this recent fall-out was over? How were you in a situation where she is being rude to you by text and blocks you? It would just help to understand what's actually going on. What is her criticism of you?

I have to say, and I have lots of experience of a similar situation...you absolutely must not get between your DP and his daughter. However unreasonable she may seem - it has to come from him and if he isn't taking the lead then you are always going to be the fall guy. If she's already 30+yrs, she isn't going to grow out of this behaviour. You must not talk him into sending responses...it needs to come from him and him being so conflict avoidant is a big red flag. Honestly, this would give me a major ick and I would cut my losses now. If he is a wuss then that is a very painful future for you.

On the other hand, to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he isn't a wuss and his conflict-avoidance is just wisdom...of course he doesn't want an escalation when he loves his daughter. People don't forget these rows and he sounds like his way has got him stuck in the middle. She isn't coming first - he's with you 99% of the time. If she came first, he wouldn't be with you at all.

He can’t make her like, respect, or even tolerate you. The reality is that not all situation are fixable, and you just have to do your best with the reality in front of you. He has no choice, unless he’s willing to lose his daughter, than to keep his relationships with both of you independent of one another.

I do see the logic in inviting her to yours, even though he’s either not considered or prioritized how you feel about it. Having you ‘invade’ her territory would make the situation erupt, whereas inviting her to yours is a less emotionally charged prospect - it lets her know that the door is open to her if she wants, but if she doesn’t then that’s okay too. He’s not going to force the issue.

If he wants a relationship with his daughter then all he can do is accept, and respect, how she feels. He’s not letting her control him, if he were he’d have broken up with you. He’s also not letting you control
him, because if he were he’d have blown up his relationship with his daughter. He’s just trying to maintain his relationships with both of you as much as he can.

Ultimately, if you’re not happy then I don’t think there’s any other option than leaving open to you. He isn’t going to choose you over his daughter.

So logically DD then hates OP for what she thinks has been happening. Could well be. Personally I think OP’s statement that she’s not sure she still loves him is very telling. It’s more likely the fact that after four years it’s dawned on her that the relationship isn’t going anywhere because DD - or her dad, as the case may be - is the blocker.

You sound incredibly entitled so that’s probably the reason the daughter doesn’t like you.

Just stay at your place when she is at her dad’s. It isn’t difficult.

Ooof, yet more disdain from op towards the daughter
"no wonder she's got no friends"

Not sure how this started but you sure as hell won't end it with such a low opinion of her.

Also, you still haven't told us why she messaged you, what went before that.

You are painting her purposefully in a shit light in order to get internet randoms to agree with you?

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head to be honest. I think OP has probably realised that this man will always take his daughters’ side. It sounds as though he hasn’t got the backbone to put a stop to the bad behaviour

Hi. Love and kids. Difficult process for you.

However, if YOU wish to remain happy, YOU have decision to make. You are either to be married to your DP and accepting the inevitable grief which will follow, or cut your losses and run. Both parties have made it clear that they are not gonna budge (Father/daughter relationships are always tight).

Life is not always fair but I find it very difficult to imagine this menage a trois getting settled.

Any how. I wish you luck in the future. Just look before you let, next time.

Did she demand it though? Or did he willingly cancel and blame his DD?
OP gets fed up with this and tells him to put a stop to it. He can't tell DD he's been blaming her, so he then blames OP.

I think this scenario is much more likely than an adult just developing a hatred of another adult for absolutely no reason at all.

What did she message you?

Honestly I think your dp is between a rock and a hard place. More than likely his dd will cut him out if he has a go at her.

Id be happy to keep my distance when she is about and let your dp get on with it.

This.
It's kind of the point I was getting at.

I'd put money on the fact that instead of saying 'nice to see you DD, I'd love to spend time with you right now but I have dinner/night out booked with OP and I want to go to that. Are you free tomorrow to meet up? Etc etc', he said 'OP isn't happy that you keep showing up unannounced. I'd love to see you, but OP doesn't like it and wants to go out to dinner. You understand don't you. Don't want any grief so I better do what she wants haha'.

Daughter then thinks, this OP is a bitch. She's controlling my Dad and stopping me seeing him. Never talking to her again. The fact that you now think she's a spoilt princess, and he probably tells her that, is compounding her hatred of you.

She probably hasn't even said she doesn't want you there. He just doesn't want the awkwardness, or difficult questions as to why you hate each other so actively keeps you apart.

Ask him specifics!

I think if you’re a grown adult it’s time to say “you know that dad has been telling that story all these years and he actually made it up. It was him that liked suede.” - why passively accept someone else’s lies about you? If they’re dumb enough to have a row about it, let them.

You are being wildly unreasonable. You want to swan in and out of his home when his kids are there even though you know they don’t like you. You don’t live together, if you did then yes his kids have to suck it up, but for now you don’t and unfortunately you don’t get to damage his relationship with them by spitting your dummy out.

I could have written this although I am 10 years further down the line and we are now married. I get on marvellously with his younger DD and she and my DD act like sisters. But his elder DD just hates me.

I met him many years after his divorce (I too was divorced) and from the get go his eldest DD told me her dad would never have a serious relationship again. She really resented us becoming serious and also would send me awful messages. The strange thing is she is nc with her own mother so its not that she was upset her parents split.

I think a pp may have nailed it when they said his DD was used to bring the centre of her dads universe and in her eyes him being with me upset that, which to a certain extent is probably true. But as far as I was concerned we could all be part of a family group.

All these years later I have given up reaching out and being the bigger person, her dad has let the relationship slide as frankly it is my input with family that binds us all together. His eldest occasionally asks her dad to help with childcare (which of course involves me) which we do as it’s not her children’s fault there is no close relationship and she seems quite happy for me to do that. It’s all quite sad as she misses out on so many joint family occasions by her refusal to be around me.

It's not unreasonable to give them some space. What are you wanting for your future? If you plan on cohabiting I can't see it working as daughter will make him choose her or you, or you would, and it doesn't sound like he'd choose you.

We have adult children and they wouldn’t dream of turning up unannounced, assuming we had no plans. This was their childhood home, but it’s also mine and DH’s so they respect our privacy and don’t just walk in whenever they feel like it. It seems that in OP’s case the DD was demanding her dad cancel whatever plans he had with OP to spend time with her - I think that should have been nipped in the bud long ago.

Of course he can ‘control’ his adult DD. The problem seems to be that he doesn’t want to. She’s thirty, she has her own life, so why is she so invested in her fathers’ to the extent that she won’t be in the house while OP is there ? He needs to ask her outright what her problem is with OP and how she sees the future, because at the moment she’s making any long term relationship like marriage or even living together impossible.

Op said:

When we were in the earlier stages of the relationship, she would turn up with virtually no notice and expect DP to cancel whatever plan he had with me, to see her. He was initially doing this, but after a few situations I said I wasn't okay with that because my time is also valuable, so if he's made a plan with me I expect him to stick to it. A little bit of notice is not unreasonable to ask for.

So daughter was unreasonable to expect Dad to cancel pre arranged plans just because she turned up. But how did these conversations go? What was said and who was blamed? Was the daughter told she couldn't just turn up anymore? Was she told to check before walking into her childhood home? Was she told she had to stop because OP didn't like it?

I do tell my Dad if I'm coming over, because it's a bit of a drive and I want to know if he's home. But when I lived closer I'd often just turn up. If he had plans that's fair enough, I wouldn't expect him to cancel anything. But they key is what happened here, the dynamic changed and it's not clear from OPs account what conversations took place.

This is quite simple to me. Your DP has every right to dictate who is allowed in his house and when. If you don’t like it, you leave him.

Although I do suspect from the tone of OPs post that there is a valid reason that his DD doesn’t like her.

Based on my own dad, I'd just say, no woman on this thread should underestimate what lies and omissions men will tell to make their lives easier.

OK so my parents split up when I was 5. My dad cheated. He tried to get back with my mum on and off for several years - she declined - he eventually gave up and settled down with the main OW. He's still with her. Even now, Dad's wife regularly teasingly refers to an incident where I apparently demanded age 15 that he drove me to see Suede in a city 4 hours drive away. I did no such thing. I didn't even know the concert was on and my dad surprised me with the tickets one school holidays. Peak Disney dad behaviour. But that's clearly not what his wife was told and she still jokingly comments about how spoilt of me it was to demand that he did that. And my dad knows that it would cause a row if I corrected it so I have to just go "uh huh". All of which is to say - men are cowards! You don't know what he's said to her about you, not even maliciously, just for an easy life - or how much you can trust of what he's said to you about her.

I don’t think you’re a snowflake at all, and I do agree somewhat, but there has to be a middle ground and there doesn’t seem to be any here. At 30, DD should be able to appreciate that her dad has a long term partner and his own life, as, it appears does she.

I don’t like nor speak to my Mum, I as a mature adult can still attend family gatherings and not make it awkward nor demand she isn’t invited.

Your partner has to put his foot down, she is going to ruin this relationship for him and also any others he has when you inevitably get fed up of him and his inability to stand up to an adult acting like a child.

@SceptredIsle

well to an extent… if she’s a criminal or something fair enough, but if ifs just that she’s doesn’t like OP and her personality than that’s irrelevant. She’s not the one going out with her, her dad is.

How often is she visiting?

Most people would volunteer to not go around to their DPs home if their adult child was coming home for the weekend.

When my DC comes home from uni for the weekend, I wouldn’t even contemplate having a partner come around.

It sounds like this is more about you not wanting to be put second, rather than her actually affecting your life.

You say he and his younger DD are coming to yours for Xmas - so it’s not like he’s refusing to do things with you because of her.

I can see this creating issues in the future if this carries on but if you have no immediate plans to move in together then I really don’t see the problem.

The fact that the younger DD likes you is great because she’ll be able to get older DD on side easier than DH can.
And you respecting her boundaries will help too.

These things just take time. The older they are, the harder it often is.

If this wasn’t an issue - are you otherwise happy?
If so, then I’d give it another 12 months.
If this is just another issue that you guys have, then perhaps it’s worth rethinking the relationship.

Why would you want to be in his house when she is there? She is 30 and has her own life. Just keep away from her and enjoy your relationship. You are expecting something that is never going to happen. He can’t control his adult daughter.

How would you feel if your children’s father in future told them to stay somewhere else because his girlfriend didn’t get on with one of them and, even though she didn’t live with him, she wanted to drop by any time she felt like it?