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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
CatStatue · 14/09/2026 14:35

I have been the child in this situation and I am now the mother of a child in this situation.

As a child it was incredibly hard to see another woman in my family home - she was not the OW she also came into his life after my parents divorced, and I was an young adult at the time. She felt like a total intruder for the 15 years she lived under that roof. I put up with it because it was clear from my dad that if I objected she would come first. Consequence is that I'm not close to him anymore and I was never very close to her, but things have improved since they moved to a new house ten years ago.

As a mother to a DC who is having to cope my ex's partner having 24/7 access to their family home, I can see that it is causing a lot of problems for both my adult DC. One is still at uni and he is home in holiday time. He reluctantly goes there about one night a week and spends the rest of time with me. His older sister finished her uni studies this year and has decided to stay away completely and is job hunting in another city entirely rather than live with the aggro of dealing with ex and the partner. For us the OW was on the scene before we split so there's a difference there but he did try and pretend that she didn't enter his life until after we split up, but - as they say - murder will out.

I'm not sure if this is even any help. Just my experience from different sides. I suspect you are on a hiding to nothing here though with the eldest no matter what you do.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:35

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2026 13:09

is the DD30 worried that you will stake a claim to her inheritance? It could be as simple as that. Or she thinks you and your DC are his second family and that he's more interested in them than her?
The other clue is that he relied on his DDs for years for social interaction and now very much less so. She feels you have replaced her and she can't stand it.
You said
" the bottom line - it's her way or the highway, and she has punished him massively through withdrawal whenever he put our relationship first in any way."
You've described her bullying him because he won't change his plans with you at the last minute ( which isn't fair of her) and resenting it by turning the cold shoulder and now he's scared.
So it seems like he has tried.

I think its only fair to expect a person, who you have (really think about if this is correct or if she would see it as correct) treated respectfully and nicely and been welcoming to, treats you with the same respect.
She is an adult with her own life.. but I think she is jealous because she was with her sister Number 1 in her dad's life and now she feels she's not.

I think the only solution is your Partner to sit down with her and discuss, without letting her strop, exactly what she thinks the solution is.

  1. Is she actually suggesting that he breaks up with you? Is it you personally or anyone he might have a relationship with in the future.Does she want him having a partner/companion ever? at all?

  2. Can she think what it would be like if he treated her partner the way she treats you? If he was rude, walked out of the room when her partner entered. Ignored him. What if her partner got so fed up with DFs behaviour that he just left? How would she feel about DF? Would she wish he'd tried to modify his behaviour. How would she react if he said You can come for Xmas but your partner has to stay at home alone because I cant be in the same room as him.

  3. How would she feel if he demanded that she drop arrangements she's made with her partner to spend time with him and if she didn't he started ignoring her.

  4. DD 20 wont be living there forever. Does she want him to spend the rest of his life alone. How would a future partner be treated by her? Does she expect him to keep going through partner after partner and breaking up with them because she doesn't accept them? How would she feel if he treated her partner like that?

  5. Does she want to be the person looking after him full time in his old age?
    6) Can he reassure her that it won't affect her inheritance?

  6. What solutions does she have?

  7. How much time does she actually want him to spend with her. How much would be enough.

  8. does she want to host him for Christmas etc for the rest of her life?

  9. can she imagine what it would be like if you both got on like you and DD20?

Its a long list. It might take more than one conversation.. Maybe he's not up to it.. if not could there be some kind of mediator?
But he should raise these topics with her. If her behaviour is due to in security or jealousy, then actually raising questions like these may make her see that she's not being fair.

Also. If their bedrooms are a bit of a shrine to when she lived there. I think it might be an idea of offer to redecorate so that it's a really nice room for her adult visits and more comfortable for her and her partner?

Maybe talking such points over with your partner would help you decide too.. how does he see your future together with this going on and on and fucking up every single family meeting. What if you banned him from all your family events?
It really depends on how he sees your relationship and what you want from it.
It's very sad to have a person involved who wants to split you up.
The DD30 needs therapy, but would probably be outraged if her DF suggested this. Has he also had a chat with her partner? Does the partner behave the same way to you?
You don't have to be best mates, although she's probably also jealous of your good relationship with DD20. You just have to be tolerant and respectful towards each other and that has to be genuine, not just performative welcomes followed by hard stares.

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Thank you so much. This is incredibly helpful. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, and your ideas are the ones I will take forward. This is exactly the conversation I need to have with him.

OP posts:
OnARainyDay2012 · 14/09/2026 14:35

Here's a different perspective for you. I'm the daughter in this scenario. Dad left the family home after an affair with the OW. Stepmother was cruel to me as a child. Now I'm an adult, I can choose to avoid her, and I do. I would have loved for my dad to put me first and allow me to see him without her being there, but he didn't, he insisted on a new "family unit". As a result, we're estranged. Obviously no one can comment on the dynamic between you and SD as we don't have her side of things but she doesn't have to have a relationship with you, and it's great that her dad is prioritising his kids (even as adults). So if I were you, I'd accept that she wants distance from you, and allow your partner the space to maintain his relationship with his kids as he sees fit.

Spaniels4Eva · 14/09/2026 14:34

I'm not sure I could carry a relationship on when there is such bad feeling coming from one of his DC.

Imagine he fell ill, or passed away - she could end up banning you from his bedside/funeral. And as his next of kin, her word would be final. If he can't stand up to her, then is he ever going to have your back if you needed it?

Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:32

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/09/2026 13:57

My partner and I are both divorced, he has two adult daughters. There is no way in hell he would let either of them be rude or disrespectful to me. I wouldn’t stand for it if he did. We get on fine btw. His view is that he is entitled to happiness and they have their own lives as adults now.

But was one of them sent away when she came to visit because you had plans? This animosity began somewhere…OP states that

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:32

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 13:07

Sure, if that’s what they want they will have to iron this out. But in life we sometimes have to accept that what we ‘want’ can’t happen, or not without consequences. It sounds like the DP is fine with the situation and OP is not. So she needs to make her own choices.

As I said already, abusive texts aside we don’t really have any evidence that the DD is behaving like a brat. We’ve no context for the dislike, and OP is being silent on that or the texts (unless I’ve missed). I don’t consider it unreasonable to say ‘Dad I’m coming to visit, would you mind if Secrets didn’t come over when I’m there because it’s stressful for us all’. He can say no if he wishes, but he hasn’t.

On the other hand, OP has suggested the DD should be made to stay elsewhere if her ‘24/7 access’ is compromised. Pretty entitled no?

Show quote history

HI, thank you engaging. I did write a lengthy explanation of how things went sour (to the best of my knowledge). I know it's hard to see when there are 14 pages of responses - why does such a thread like this get so much engagement!

OP posts:
Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 14:31

I'd put money on the fact that instead of saying 'nice to see you DD, I'd love to spend time with you right now but I have dinner/night out booked with OP and I want to go to that. Are you free tomorrow to meet up? Etc etc', he said 'OP isn't happy that you keep showing up unannounced. I'd love to see you, but OP doesn't like it and wants to go out to dinner. You understand don't you. Don't want any grief so I better do what she wants haha'
That could be true, but from what OP has admitted herself here, I don't think it's the case. OP has said she thinks they should meet in a restaurant instead of her staying at his house. She's made her demands clear.

I also don't agree at all with the changes of plans. Before my OH and I moved together, we tended to have set days to spend together. Occasionally, my sister or best friend who live miles away would be coming for a few days, usually as part of a work commitment for my best friend and would ask me if I was free on a certain day. If it fell on a day I would normally be with my OH, he would tell me to of course spend it with them, we saw eachother three or four times a week, why would it matter if we didn't once in a while.

The same would happen with his best friend, and yes, sometimes cancelling last minutes plans. It didn't cross my mind to be cross or upset. No biggy if it's only a couple of times a year.

Why make a big deal of it? Frankly I don't think I would like you either OP if you were my father's new partner.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:30

Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 14:21

that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again
Sense of dignity? Come on OP. This not about dignity at all. It's about the fact that for the very few times she comes, your wishes are not put first and you don't like it.

Yes, he is switching you off on these few occasions because you and her don't like each other. It's really not the end of the world. Your expectations are unreasonable, self-serving and entitled. That's probably why she doesn't like you. Maybe her expectations are the same too.

The bottom line is noone is going to be happy when all together. It's not going to happen. So what do you expect? Him to not see her? Not allow her in his home which was hers for years yet never been yours? Ask you when it suits you that he can see her, even if it doesn't suit them?

Have you tried to put yourself in his shoes? What if a family member of best friend since childhood didn't like him. What would you do? Be fine with him demanding you only met her in a restaurant when you haven't seen her for month and she travels far just to see you?

Do you think he'd be respecting your dignity if he was demanding this of you?

You ask some interesting questions here and, although you're not being sympathetic to my situation (which is totally ok), I really appreciate the thoughtfulness and offering another way to look at this.

OP posts:
Lostsadandconfused · 14/09/2026 14:27

Divorced and in a relationship with a man with adult kids here.

You two don’t like each other so it’s for the best that you just avoid each other.

You expect him to stand up to her regarding you, but that implies you are right and she is wrong. The truth, or how he sees it, might be very different.

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 14:27

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:26

What does that have to do with her or anyone else? It's a private matter within a couple.

Show quote history

To be fair everything you’re sharing here is a private matter between you and your DP. If you don’t want to share the reasons for the financial arrangement that’s entirely up to you but being outraged someone has asked is a bit unusual.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:26

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 14/09/2026 13:06

Why on earth is he contributing to your household?! No wonder daughter isn't keen.

What does that have to do with her or anyone else? It's a private matter within a couple.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:23

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 12:46

I appreciate your flowery writing style (it's fun!), however you're missing the point. I get it, my original post was a bit long and has much detail in. It's NOT about me dropping in announced. It's the principle of being welcome at most times / not being welcome at some other times, on the whim of a person who doesn't even live in our bloody town let alone that actual house. But never mind - thank you for the input.

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……and yet ,,,in the early part of your dating this is exactly the arrangement you wanted DSD to accept?

When you have your own place, I don’t see the problem in letting DSD visit and have solo time with her Dad.

I don't understand regarding this as a slight when you demanded your DP cancel seeing his daughter for you …even adult children don't generally make appointments to see their parents.

What number / frequency of solo visits are problematic for you?

Your DP demanding you're there when she visits will drive her away, why doesn't your love for DP allow you to step back and let them love each other?

boxtop · 14/09/2026 14:21

Man can't be arsed to do a thing for his daughter: "oh I'd love to sweetheart but the missus wouldn't like it".

Man can't be arsed to do a thing for his partner: "oh I'd love to sweetheart but my daughter's insisting I do this other thing and she'll go apeshit if I don't".

Man sighs contentedly, doesn't help either of them, sits back and watches Match of the Day 2 in his pants, never gives either thing a second thought. Occasionally grumbles to mates about how women are "hard work" and "can't get on with each other".

BodyBoarder · 14/09/2026 14:21

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:17

Nothing bad would happen, he just ended up saying he wasn't available (if he had a prior plan with me). But that was kind of the start of the problems with her because she would think it's unreasonable of him not to see her when she's driven from a long way away (but she often wouldn't even be coming specifically to see him - she might be going to her favourite hairdresser, meeting the mother, etc, so why should he cancel existing plans? Anyway that's all been sorted and doesn't happen any more, but I think that was the start of her hostility)

Show quote history

How do you know what was said to her?
That is my point. Do you just have his word for it, that he said 'sorry DD I'm not available', instead of 'sorry DD, OP says I'm not available'.

Two very similar, but very different statements.

Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 14:21

that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again
Sense of dignity? Come on OP. This not about dignity at all. It's about the fact that for the very few times she comes, your wishes are not put first and you don't like it.

Yes, he is switching you off on these few occasions because you and her don't like each other. It's really not the end of the world. Your expectations are unreasonable, self-serving and entitled. That's probably why she doesn't like you. Maybe her expectations are the same too.

The bottom line is noone is going to be happy when all together. It's not going to happen. So what do you expect? Him to not see her? Not allow her in his home which was hers for years yet never been yours? Ask you when it suits you that he can see her, even if it doesn't suit them?

Have you tried to put yourself in his shoes? What if a family member of best friend since childhood didn't like him. What would you do? Be fine with him demanding you only met her in a restaurant when you haven't seen her for month and she travels far just to see you?

Do you think he'd be respecting your dignity if he was demanding this of you?

pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist · 14/09/2026 14:18

pidgeonfood · 14/09/2026 09:47

I’m a bit surprised that all of the responses saying that you’re unreasonable. I’d agree that kids have to come first, especially if they were minors What about if OP wanted to eventually get married to this guy, or move in would it work then? It doesn’t sound like there are any ways that this would really work then, so in my mind, surely this would have to change eventually? Also the child is now a grown up and surely can’t really expect her Dad to not have a live in partner ever again?? Would be interested to hear others’ views on that point

Edited

Im also surprised. I think this is a totally different situation to teenage children visiting, this is a grown woman of 30. Why does she get to dictate who her father has in his home while she visits?!

What will happen if OP and her partner decide to live together - will OP be expected to make herself scarce if the grown up daughter visits?! Its absolutely ridiculous and quite controlling - shes trying to imply to her father that if he lives with this woman she won't visit.

And no im not a 'second wife' im a happily married first wife!

I don't actually believe the children do come first when they are not children anymore - they should have spread their wings and moved on with their lives as adults? Yes the 'children come first' when they are U18, or even perhaps up to say age 21 when their parents house is often still 'home'... But not at age 30!!!

OP id let this man go. I agree you are right to feel very upset with your partner for allowing his daughter to be so rude. If as an adult i was rude to a friend of my parents because i 'didnt like them' Id expect them to be pretty cross with me quite frankly.
If i was OP i would not have permitted the partner to invite the 30 year old daughter yp to spend christmas in my home, not a chance. He is not the host.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:17

BodyBoarder · 14/09/2026 13:21

Op said:

When we were in the earlier stages of the relationship, she would turn up with virtually no notice and expect DP to cancel whatever plan he had with me, to see her. He was initially doing this, but after a few situations I said I wasn't okay with that because my time is also valuable, so if he's made a plan with me I expect him to stick to it. A little bit of notice is not unreasonable to ask for.

So daughter was unreasonable to expect Dad to cancel pre arranged plans just because she turned up. But how did these conversations go? What was said and who was blamed? Was the daughter told she couldn't just turn up anymore? Was she told to check before walking into her childhood home? Was she told she had to stop because OP didn't like it?

I do tell my Dad if I'm coming over, because it's a bit of a drive and I want to know if he's home. But when I lived closer I'd often just turn up. If he had plans that's fair enough, I wouldn't expect him to cancel anything. But they key is what happened here, the dynamic changed and it's not clear from OPs account what conversations took place.

Show quote history

Nothing bad would happen, he just ended up saying he wasn't available (if he had a prior plan with me). But that was kind of the start of the problems with her because she would think it's unreasonable of him not to see her when she's driven from a long way away (but she often wouldn't even be coming specifically to see him - she might be going to her favourite hairdresser, meeting the mother, etc, so why should he cancel existing plans? Anyway that's all been sorted and doesn't happen any more, but I think that was the start of her hostility)

OP posts:
Millytante · 14/09/2026 14:09

BodyBoarder · 14/09/2026 13:32

This.
It's kind of the point I was getting at.

I'd put money on the fact that instead of saying 'nice to see you DD, I'd love to spend time with you right now but I have dinner/night out booked with OP and I want to go to that. Are you free tomorrow to meet up? Etc etc', he said 'OP isn't happy that you keep showing up unannounced. I'd love to see you, but OP doesn't like it and wants to go out to dinner. You understand don't you. Don't want any grief so I better do what she wants haha'.

Daughter then thinks, this OP is a bitch. She's controlling my Dad and stopping me seeing him. Never talking to her again. The fact that you now think she's a spoilt princess, and he probably tells her that, is compounding her hatred of you.

She probably hasn't even said she doesn't want you there. He just doesn't want the awkwardness, or difficult questions as to why you hate each other so actively keeps you apart.

Ask him specifics!

Show quote history

A very wise reading of the thing

MyDpsanarse · 14/09/2026 14:03

I'd not noticed you mentioned a younger DD. If anyone should feel intruded upon and resent the Op surely that should be the younger DD, she lives at home still so has the Op around regularly and yet she and Op get on well. For me that makes the older DD reaction stranger, she chose to live and work elsewhere yet still deeply resents anyone else being there.
I do understand what you mean Op about suddenly not being welcome when his DD there but next day he acts as if nothings happened, it puts you out because there's always going to be this issue, you can't do anything to resolve it and he won't try,he just expects you to pretend you're fine about it.

ConstitutionHill · 14/09/2026 14:00

boxtop · 14/09/2026 13:20

Based on my own dad, I'd just say, no woman on this thread should underestimate what lies and omissions men will tell to make their lives easier.

OK so my parents split up when I was 5. My dad cheated. He tried to get back with my mum on and off for several years - she declined - he eventually gave up and settled down with the main OW. He's still with her. Even now, Dad's wife regularly teasingly refers to an incident where I apparently demanded age 15 that he drove me to see Suede in a city 4 hours drive away. I did no such thing. I didn't even know the concert was on and my dad surprised me with the tickets one school holidays. Peak Disney dad behaviour. But that's clearly not what his wife was told and she still jokingly comments about how spoilt of me it was to demand that he did that. And my dad knows that it would cause a row if I corrected it so I have to just go "uh huh". All of which is to say - men are cowards! You don't know what he's said to her about you, not even maliciously, just for an easy life - or how much you can trust of what he's said to you about her.

Interesting and I think you could be right.

PeonyPanda · 14/09/2026 13:59

PeonyPanda · 14/09/2026 13:57

Hiya, I’d love to read this study - please could you DM a link if you have it ? Thanks 🙏

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Ignore me - quick google and I found one from 2013 👍

grinandslothit · 14/09/2026 13:59

what did the message she sent you recently say?

PeonyPanda · 14/09/2026 13:57

Funandnames · 14/09/2026 10:10

Ok, I’ve never been divorced and only have children with my husband. I’m also a psychologist. A piece of advice I always reiterate is: you are like the company you keep. Requesting advice only from people who have had marriage breakdowns, potentially places you in an echo chamber for information that will never assist you in maintaining a forever relationship. For example, there was a study that found if someone has a close relationship with a divorced friend, they are much more likely to get divorced themselves. This probability increases further the more divorced friends they have.

So, you are like the company you keep because likeminded people stick together. They encourage certain approaches and views and behaviour. However, if you are looking to learn how people stay in relationships, it may be best to open yourself to those perspectives from non-divorced couples.

Edited

Hiya, I’d love to read this study - please could you DM a link if you have it ? Thanks 🙏

KingsleyTop · 14/09/2026 13:57

An honest question: …the expectation that I have (…what I'm feeling)…if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers NOR IS IT YOURS to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? WTAF. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO EVEN IMAGINE THIS.
I’m not surprised he has compartmentalised his life.
And yes, I was the AC who was five years younger than her, had the same arrangement with my DF as she does with him.
I hated him being lonely, wanted him to have a relationship but I didn’t want one with her as I found her pushy, disregarding of my feelings, judgemental: She doesn’t have any friends. WELL, AREN’T YOU KIND?

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/09/2026 13:57

My partner and I are both divorced, he has two adult daughters. There is no way in hell he would let either of them be rude or disrespectful to me. I wouldn’t stand for it if he did. We get on fine btw. His view is that he is entitled to happiness and they have their own lives as adults now.

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