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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
Switchnow · 14/09/2026 15:30

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:41

Why 'outraged'? I'm just saying it's not any of her concern.

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The tone of your reply seemed a little outraged to me. 🤷‍♀️

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/09/2026 15:27

Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:46

I thought you stated you insisted DP say you had plans and sent her away :

”When we were in the earlier stages of the relationship, she would turn up with virtually no notice and expect DP to cancel whatever plan he had with me, to see her. He was initially doing this, but after a few situations I said I wasn't okay with that because my time is also valuable, so if he's made a plan with me I expect him to stick to it. A little bit of notice is not unreasonable to ask for.”

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none of this says she expected him to cancel plans with his dd. She expected him not to just cancel existing plans with her because his dd turned up. Totally different.

Funandnames · 14/09/2026 15:26

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 13:09

Thank you, that's an interesting point. I said what I did because people who are (happily?) married don't know what any of this feels like. They might think they know exactly how they would feel and behave if this were them in my situation, but the reality of these complicated situations may be completely different from their idealised imagined version of it. Also, MN is often full of vitriol towards women in a relationship with a man who's got kids (of any age), so it was just a disclaimer to say I'm really not bothered about those. Did you see the comment from the person who said, if that were them, they would just throw me out? That's the sort of thing I was distancing myself from.

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I think that is fair. Personally, I think you should be welcome in his home when his daughter is there. However, sometimes we may need to pick our battles for the sake of the greater goal. For example, is it truly a dealbreaker? As she is older, there may come a time in the next 5-10 years where her old room naturally becomes something else. She may get married, move very far away, become very independent. I’m not saying it makes the situation ok, but the reality is some hills aren’t worth dying on. I didn’t get on with my SILs and, at the time emotions were heightened, it felt hellish. Now they’re all gone and moved on with new partners/families - and it feels silly that they held so much power then. I’m so glad I didn’t lose the love of my life over that!

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 15:26

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:32

HI, thank you engaging. I did write a lengthy explanation of how things went sour (to the best of my knowledge). I know it's hard to see when there are 14 pages of responses - why does such a thread like this get so much engagement!

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I did read it. I think some of her behaviour sounds annoying for sure, but some of your responses are also a bit unusual so I guess I’m more conscious that we’re viewing her through your lens. You’ve also said you’ve only met her 6 or 7 times in 4 years so it’s hard to see how you can understand the reasons for her behaviour (or indeed how it really affects you). You’ve got a good deal with a man who spends most of his time at your house (presumably for your convenience) and contributes financially to a household he doesn’t live in. But you’re upset that he also wants to maintain his relationship with his own daughter and has found the only viable solution to do so.

Posts that say ‘only engage if you share these experiences’ are highly likely to get lots of engagement!

Lamplight78 · 14/09/2026 15:24

I think that if you don't live together you're on trickier ground. I would probably just stay away when his daughter is there, in your position.

I came out of a relationship recently where my ex's kids just used to ignore me outright when they were at their dad's house when I was there. I tried hard to get on with them but they wanted nothing to do with me from the outset.

I found it very hard, and didn't feel welcome at my ex's house when one or both were around. Truthfully, it's a massive relief that I don't have to deal with them anymore.

It sounds as though both you and your partner's daughter have dug your heels in and the situation is currently unresolvable. Maybe you are better off out of it for the time being. Take a break from the relationship for a few weeks, or longer, and see how you feel. I find that everything becomes clear with distance, time and perspective.

cloudbabies · 14/09/2026 15:21

2chocolateoranges · 14/09/2026 09:34

He has respected you by speaking to his daughter when she upset you, it’s now your turn to respect that she doesn’t want anything to do with you and if she is visiting her dad then you stay away.

if you can’t accept that then it’s time to end the relationship. Your relationship doesn’t trump his and his daughters relationship, children always come first.

Try telling my dad that. He hasn’t spoken to me, dh or our children in over a year because of his partner.

SethTrek · 14/09/2026 15:21

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:58

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Thank you for writing. It's interesting you write 'she has nothing you want' and it's something I need to think about, because to me it seems like she does have something I want (his backing).

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Ah, well this is the essence of your problem.
First, you are allowing yourself to be upset by her behaviour

Second, you have accepted the terms of the competition she has begun for his time/attention/backing

Third, you think he should choose.

There doesn't need to be a competition. Her thoughts and behaviour is irrelevant to you. You don't need his backing.
If she says something rude to you. You calmly advocate for yourself like you would in any other situation. He's not responsible for her behaviour. He doesn't need to be involved

Cotopaxi · 14/09/2026 15:20

hotmumshit · 14/09/2026 09:36

Well, why does she hate you? Did you cause her parents to split up? Did she know you growing up?

She's 30, so aged 26 when her dad and the OP got together four years ago.

JavSurge · 14/09/2026 15:18

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

I think that if you are honest with yourselves, it's not going to work long term. These aren't issues which are likely to change and I think will bother you more and more.
Given that it is already turbulent only four years in, I would probably call it a day.
He should have told his eldest to butt out without prompting.
I'm also wondering what you see happening in the future with the living arrangements? Four years together but not living together, and I'm just wondering if you are wasting your time OP.

Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 15:09

You still haven't said how the horrible message was communicated to you...

Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 15:08

Thank you so much. This is incredibly helpful. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, and your ideas are the ones I will take forward. This is exactly the conversation I need to have with him
Good luck because in all likelihood, he won't be interested. The suggestion involves talking to her like she's a naughty 12 years old. If he has any common sense, he won't do that just to make you happy.

He doesn't have to say anything at all to her but not interacting with you. It's you who seem.to have an issue with this because you are desperate for him to tell her off. He's not going to and good on him.

Either accept that he will have private time with her when you'll have to bake different arrangements or move on. She's there to stay as she she should be. You've only been in his life 4 years and not even living together. The two are not comparable.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/09/2026 15:06

It’s his house. You don’t live together and he’s being a good dad by respecting his daughters view as well as supporting you by getting her to say sorry

you don’t need unlimited access to his place

Taytosambo · 14/09/2026 15:04

Be prepared OP to be no.1 on the list for baby-sitting duties if she decides to have kids in the near future. Suddenly the past won't matter to her.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:58

PrincessofWills · 14/09/2026 11:59

I'm a 2nd wife and have had a similar dynamic, but in our case my dp daughter did something pretty awful that i cannot forgive - not to me - but that affected the whole family, for many years. I dont want to go into the sordid details on here.

I put a boundary in place that means I tolerate her, but I don't want a relationship with her, but my dp can do whatever he chooses.

Once you put in your own boundary it's a lot easier. Accept you won't have a relationship with her because you don't want a relationship with someone who does not know how to behave. Withdraw any invitation as a consequence of the rude message, and allow your dp to get on with his relationship with his daughter.

To put it this way - she has nothing you want - just put in your own boundary.

Edited

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Thank you for writing. It's interesting you write 'she has nothing you want' and it's something I need to think about, because to me it seems like she does have something I want (his backing).

OP posts:
Taytosambo · 14/09/2026 14:55

Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:46

I thought you stated you insisted DP say you had plans and sent her away :

”When we were in the earlier stages of the relationship, she would turn up with virtually no notice and expect DP to cancel whatever plan he had with me, to see her. He was initially doing this, but after a few situations I said I wasn't okay with that because my time is also valuable, so if he's made a plan with me I expect him to stick to it. A little bit of notice is not unreasonable to ask for.”

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The DD didn't have plans with her father, that's the point. She just turned up and didn't bother to find out if her Dad had plans or not. Of course he shouldn't have cancelled his plans with OP, he was right to stick with them.

Keyleads · 14/09/2026 14:52

OP, you don't sound happy with the relationship and that is ok.
Some areas are good but his child not liking you is a big one.
It will always remain a sticking point.

My friend was in a similar situation a few years ago with a golf buddy.
The relationship of 12 months was very nice but she was definitely being kept at a distance so as not to upset his daughter.

His daughter refused to meet her in any shape or form.

She really liked him but she could see that long term with the holidays etc. it was not going to work as he would always feel conflicted.
So she started to cool things down and was less available.

He suddenly developed mild epilepsy after being briefly ill and it was going to cause a change to his life.
Fortunately with medication it was going to be hopefully brought under control.

Out of nowhere she was contacted by his daughter as he would need driving to various appointments, golf etc as he was no longer allowed to drive.

My friend really liked him but it was very clear that his daughter was now choosing to suffer contact with her purely as a convenience.

She very politely told her that they were little more than friends and were seeing each other very casually at this point, and she wouldn't dream of sticking her nose into his business.

She had zero intention of suddenly being used as driver carer now that it suddenly suited his daughter.

Within a year his health decreased further and she was grateful at how things worked out as at 60 she had no interest in being anyone's carer.

Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:46

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:37

I don't know what you mean and think you may have misread something. I have never asked my DP to cancel existing plans with any of his children to do something with me instead.

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I thought you stated you insisted DP say you had plans and sent her away :

”When we were in the earlier stages of the relationship, she would turn up with virtually no notice and expect DP to cancel whatever plan he had with me, to see her. He was initially doing this, but after a few situations I said I wasn't okay with that because my time is also valuable, so if he's made a plan with me I expect him to stick to it. A little bit of notice is not unreasonable to ask for.”

Jubulee · 14/09/2026 14:45

My DP and I each have difficult daughters of similar ages (early 20’s) and it’s not quite your situation because we are both suffering and navigating together as a united front. Both our daughters are the eldest and resentful about life in general. His DD uses him as a cash machine and mine expects me to be at her beck and call whenever she fancies.

Both our daughters are immature but also have been though their parents separating when they were young children so we do have a level of empathy for them. DP and I have met later in life when a lot of the behaviours were already present - they aren’t new so neither of us take this personally.

We both agreed to try to avoid conflict with our daughters where possible, but also have boundaries. My DP stays out of my DD’s way and I tolerate his DD ignoring my presence or just avoid her, and we just try to enjoy our alone time together as much as we can plus spending time with them on their own. I’m always polite and so is DP. The deep talks don’t help! I am not attached to my DP’s hip so I don’t care if he wants to see his DD without me

I would work on detaching your personal feelings from his daughter’s behaviour if you can. It’s not really about you x

Whatalunatic · 14/09/2026 14:44

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:36

And this is exactly why I said that I'm interested in comments only from people who've been in this situation, not first wives... Thank you for your input.

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erm....lots of 'first wives' are also women in your situation.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:43

Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:32

But was one of them sent away when she came to visit because you had plans? This animosity began somewhere…OP states that

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She was never sent away. Her old room is always available and her sister would be around. It would just mean that he wouldn't be there if he's already planned to be somewhere else.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:41

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 14:27

To be fair everything you’re sharing here is a private matter between you and your DP. If you don’t want to share the reasons for the financial arrangement that’s entirely up to you but being outraged someone has asked is a bit unusual.

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Why 'outraged'? I'm just saying it's not any of her concern.

OP posts:
SethTrek · 14/09/2026 14:41

Your DP is trying to maintain a relationship with both of you and he's doing it imperfectly. A good analogy would be to think of your DP as a child of divorced parents who can't exist in the same space together

You said his daughter is 30, has no friends, a rocky relationship, is arrogant, and horrible. You describe her as emotionally manipulative and very dependent on her dad. That's a very difficult person to have a meaningful relationship with. He's probably quite concerned about her and as her father wants her to be happy and settled as all parents do.

You are unhappy that she has power over how you as a couple live your joint lives and how welcome you are in his home and his life. She has created a competitive friction.

You say your DP avoids conflict. You want him to defend you when she's rude. You want him to find a fair and balanced way forward. In your eyes, that would be a scenario where his adult DD has no input or effect on your relationship with him. That doesn't seem unreasonable at all. And wouldn't be if either the adult DD was a reasonable person (which she isn't) or your DP didn't care about maintaining a good relationship with her (which he does). You're angry about an impossible situation that your DP is in. And yes, he bares responsibility for that because for 30 years he's maintained it. However she was parented as a child didn't raise her to be an emotionaly literate functioning adult. But no one can change the past. If his relationship with her is going to change, it's going to take time for him and her to find new patterns.

You did say
This is from a woman I've seen maybe 6-7 times in the whole four years,
So with that in mind, how much of an impact you allow her to have on your emotions and in your thoughts is your choice.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:37

Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:23

……and yet ,,,in the early part of your dating this is exactly the arrangement you wanted DSD to accept?

When you have your own place, I don’t see the problem in letting DSD visit and have solo time with her Dad.

I don't understand regarding this as a slight when you demanded your DP cancel seeing his daughter for you …even adult children don't generally make appointments to see their parents.

What number / frequency of solo visits are problematic for you?

Your DP demanding you're there when she visits will drive her away, why doesn't your love for DP allow you to step back and let them love each other?

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I don't know what you mean and think you may have misread something. I have never asked my DP to cancel existing plans with any of his children to do something with me instead.

OP posts:
Contain4 · 14/09/2026 14:37

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:26

What does that have to do with her or anyone else? It's a private matter within a couple.

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Unless he’s staying at yours a lot, then it’s odd he’d be contributing to your home.

It may be that women have taken advantage of him in the past and perhaps DD is concerned the same thing will happen this time.

EcoChica1980 · 14/09/2026 14:36

So it's you or her, then. Just don't be surprise when he chooses her, his daughter.