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AIBU?

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Original poster

I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

663 replies

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 09:24

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

OP posts:
Makebelieveanotherlife · 14/09/2026 19:06

He’s known you 4 years, known her 30 . It’s as simple as that. Sorry op, you won’t win this one. She’s old enough to behave better BUT at her age no one can change her.
I would just walk away.

Fluffyholeysocks · 14/09/2026 18:57

I wouldn't want this type of relationship. After 4 years I wouldn't want to be excluded from my DP's home if his daughter is visiting. Your DP is content for you not to visit and doesn't see any need to change the situation.
So it comes down to you. I would leave the relationship.

BeGreySnail · 14/09/2026 18:50

I don't have any experience but I can totally see your point OP. I think you have to set your own boundaries somehow. It's not fair that you can't enter DP house when she is there, she's a grown ass woman fgs! She is acting like a spoilt little princess. I imagine if your DP was with someone else she wouldn't like her either. Your DP will never be able to settle down with anyone because she is holding all the cards. He will have risk losing her if he wants true happiness.

I like one of the posters ideas about DP asking his DD how would she feel if he acted that way with her partner. If her partner broke up with her because of how he acted. Might make her think a little bit? Who knows, he must ask her those questions though.

You could also tell DP

"If that's the arrangement when she's visiting, I'm not going to argue about it. But I'm also not going to carry on as though it doesn't matter to me. I won't come over the following day and pretend everything is fine just because the visit is over."

And then don't go to his house for a few days afterwards, and don't let him come to yours. This is your new boundary. Let him be alone for a few days afterwards, the longer the better. I wouldn't want to pretend all is fine either when this is not ok.

whistlesandbells · 14/09/2026 18:47

In my experience of this, shared home with DH who has 2 adult children and we share a child together. His eldest is not keen on me, very similar situation, they are 27, have their own home and live overseas. There is a cool distance between us, particularly since a recent holiday celebration didn’t go as well as hoped. We do not live in their old family home and I had no involvement in the breakdown of his marriage - met 10 years after they divorced. I have no interest in preventing their relationship but I also have no desire to be present. I make myself busy when they visit, I give space, make plans. I am fine with this, it is not often and I make sure it doesn’t affect me. I would be glad to have my own space as you do and to retreat. It is possible to choose not to engage to everyone’s benefit. Also, the less you engage with it, the more unreasonable she looks.

PrincessofWills · 14/09/2026 18:43

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 14:58

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Thank you for writing. It's interesting you write 'she has nothing you want' and it's something I need to think about, because to me it seems like she does have something I want (his backing).

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You have his backing, because if his daughter was always first the relationship would have ended by now.

What you actually mean, I suspect, is you want him to take your side. Emotional maturity brings the realisation there are no sides, just a position you can tolerate without compromising relationships. That surely is where you are now?

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 18:38

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 18:24

Language can come across clunky when trying not to write 'essays', which I can be prone to. Let me try to correct.

Of course they can be considered. But depending on their experiences, they mightly simply be triggered. That's where I see limited value in taking their points on board, because if people speak from very strong emotional standpoints of their own, that doesn't really help me to more clearly see this situation, it just muddies the water even more.

About your final point, yes I can see how it sounds when you write it that way. I guess I'm not literally saying I expect that, or would ask for that, or that he should necessarily do that. I was - I don't know - venting frustration, expressing a secret fantasy where she doesn't use his house any more and stays with her mother instead, as she's done many times over the last year. But anyway it doesn't matter. It is what it is. The people who made the most sense out of all 17 pages of discussion are the ones who said that it doesn't matter who's right or wrong, it's still my decision to make (to stay or leave). And I find it impossible to decide. Whatever decision I make, within an afternoon I go to the opposite. I've never experienced this kind of push-pull before and, regardless of how sympathetic or not I come across on MN, I'm a person with feelings and this is serious and painful. It's not some kind of game, it's actually my life, and my children's life as they adore him and have an amazing relationship with him.

Edited
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Then stop making a mountain out of a molehill and give him space when he’s with his older DD. You’re making your own life hard here.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 18:24

WaryCyanStork · 14/09/2026 18:04

I disagree that posters who've been in the other positions in this scenario can't give "considered opinions". The fact you don't think it's relevant to consider other perspectives might say something about how you got there.

You want unlimited access to your partner's house, to the point you suggest he should leave his own house to meet his daughter. Would you even go there during those times, while he's out with this daughter?

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Language can come across clunky when trying not to write 'essays', which I can be prone to. Let me try to correct.

Of course they can be considered. But depending on their experiences, they mightly simply be triggered. That's where I see limited value in taking their points on board, because if people speak from very strong emotional standpoints of their own, that doesn't really help me to more clearly see this situation, it just muddies the water even more.

About your final point, yes I can see how it sounds when you write it that way. I guess I'm not literally saying I expect that, or would ask for that, or that he should necessarily do that. I was - I don't know - venting frustration, expressing a secret fantasy where she doesn't use his house any more and stays with her mother instead, as she's done many times over the last year. But anyway it doesn't matter. It is what it is. The people who made the most sense out of all 17 pages of discussion are the ones who said that it doesn't matter who's right or wrong, it's still my decision to make (to stay or leave). And I find it impossible to decide. Whatever decision I make, within an afternoon I go to the opposite. I've never experienced this kind of push-pull before and, regardless of how sympathetic or not I come across on MN, I'm a person with feelings and this is serious and painful. It's not some kind of game, it's actually my life, and my children's life as they adore him and have an amazing relationship with him.

OP posts:
Blushingm · 14/09/2026 18:24

DPs eldest isn’t happy about me - just because he likes it just his dad, brother and him (he’s 17). I stay all week every week and every other weekend. I have keys to the house and I know that he’d never tell me to leave/not welcome but I also know that when his eldest is there it’s better for us all if I’m not. His kids will always be his priority -same as mine are mine

Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 18:17

Another example is what if your children or one of them asked to go away somewhere as a break with you only for mum and child time together when he is an adult? Will you insist your partner has to come so that his dignity isn't affected?

You are seeking experience from women in your situation because others might not fully understand but I'm not sure you fully understand how relationship between an adult child and parent, especially separated parents really are.

My kids are adults, I see one only a few times a year. I hope we can go away together for a few days soon. She won't want my oh to come and not will I because the dynamics are totally different.

I would hate to feel that I'm doing something wrong for wanting quality time with my adult daughter a few times a year.

SeasideJane · 14/09/2026 18:15

I've been in this dynamic before. My eldest daughter didn't like my partner and it was a terrible atmosphere when I tried to play happy families.
With my current partner I made it clear that we woul have separate time even though his children are relaxed with me.
Keep your partner if you want him but don't try to 'blend' the families. It's too much like hard work and nobody's happy

Passaggressfedup · 14/09/2026 18:13

Could it be that you are looking for ratification that you are right and she's wrong (as she might be doing herself), maybe trying to understand why she's wrong, when ultimately, it comes to accepting that you have different perspectives, don't like eachother (your comment about her having no friends does hint to you not really liking her as a person), and leave it at that?

You really don't have to like eachother to live happily in parallel. You certainly don't need to be in competition. Accept your partner will want to have stress free time with his daughter alone and when he does, you will not be fully present in his thoughts. Just like I hope he doesn't spend all his time talking about her when you are together.

WaryCyanStork · 14/09/2026 18:04

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 17:42

Perhaps, and I do sympathise (my own children have a step mother so it's not like I've never seen the other side), but how are they going to give considered opinions as opposed to just try to bash someone for whatever they personally had experienced?
How does that help or answer my questions?
It's comparing apples and pears - I wanted to know how my thoughts about this sit with women who've been in my shoes. That's the relevant comparison that it would make sense for me to consider.

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I disagree that posters who've been in the other positions in this scenario can't give "considered opinions". The fact you don't think it's relevant to consider other perspectives might say something about how you got there.

You want unlimited access to your partner's house, to the point you suggest he should leave his own house to meet his daughter. Would you even go there during those times, while he's out with this daughter?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/09/2026 18:01

Loyalty to one's own children has to come first. Anything else, whether it's clearly vocalised or dressed up in flowery language about love and loyalty or not, is boiling down to 'choose me over your children'.

If the consequence of you choosing your boyfriend over your own child was that your child decided to never see you again and to stay with her father and his family, you'd choose your child.

In addition, it isn't your house. He can therefore decide whether he allows you in with or without a key at any time - he is the owner - and forcing the issue (and potentially deliberately acting to create a situation where he potentially loses his daughter) would be an unacceptably malignant act designed to destroy his relationship with his daughter so that you achieved control.

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 17:45

LongDarkTeatime · 14/09/2026 17:02

Can I suggest you widen you net in seeking advice to include the people who were children of blended families. Only hearing from women in a 2nd marriage gives you an echo chamber. It is off-spring of blended families who might be able to give insight into DD30’s possible thoughts and feelings, which may potentially raise ways forward.

Thank you, but she's not an offspring of a blended family. She was 26 and already living away from home, with her own DP, when I entered their life. She's never had more than a passing contact with me. I don't think that's comparable with someone who had a step mother or had to live with completely new people. This is an independent adult.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 17:42

TheHateIsNotGood · 14/09/2026 17:21

Has it occurred to you OP that some perspectives given here are from adults who have experience of being the DD in such a scenario?

Perhaps, and I do sympathise (my own children have a step mother so it's not like I've never seen the other side), but how are they going to give considered opinions as opposed to just try to bash someone for whatever they personally had experienced?
How does that help or answer my questions?
It's comparing apples and pears - I wanted to know how my thoughts about this sit with women who've been in my shoes. That's the relevant comparison that it would make sense for me to consider.

OP posts:
Switchnow · 14/09/2026 17:39

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 17:35

You’ve got a good deal with a man who spends most of his time at your house (presumably for your convenience) and contributes financially to a household he doesn’t live in.

This is a contradiction surely ? If he spends most of his time at OP’s house then surely he should contribute as he will incur extra expense. If he didn’t MN would be advising OP that he’s a cocklodger !!

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Up to that point OP hadn’t clarified the financial situation. If someone was regularly at my home I’d expect them to contribute to food/cooking/cleaning up if we were eating there. But I presumed they spent most time there because her kids are in school, so it suits her and them. As it is he gives her money to demonstrate his commitment, which I think is a little different.

UndoRedo · 14/09/2026 17:35

Ok, I'm a woman with a DP, both of us have older kids, been together about the same time as you two. I do not have him over when my kids are there as frankly they don't enjoy his company. We have tried, holidays etc, and it was awkward and not pleasant. Yes, it does mean I'm seriously thinking of ending the relationship as there's no real future to it

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 17:35

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 15:26

I did read it. I think some of her behaviour sounds annoying for sure, but some of your responses are also a bit unusual so I guess I’m more conscious that we’re viewing her through your lens. You’ve also said you’ve only met her 6 or 7 times in 4 years so it’s hard to see how you can understand the reasons for her behaviour (or indeed how it really affects you). You’ve got a good deal with a man who spends most of his time at your house (presumably for your convenience) and contributes financially to a household he doesn’t live in. But you’re upset that he also wants to maintain his relationship with his own daughter and has found the only viable solution to do so.

Posts that say ‘only engage if you share these experiences’ are highly likely to get lots of engagement!

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You’ve got a good deal with a man who spends most of his time at your house (presumably for your convenience) and contributes financially to a household he doesn’t live in.

This is a contradiction surely ? If he spends most of his time at OP’s house then surely he should contribute as he will incur extra expense. If he didn’t MN would be advising OP that he’s a cocklodger !!

ThreadGuardDog · 14/09/2026 17:28

Anyahyacinth · 14/09/2026 14:23

……and yet ,,,in the early part of your dating this is exactly the arrangement you wanted DSD to accept?

When you have your own place, I don’t see the problem in letting DSD visit and have solo time with her Dad.

I don't understand regarding this as a slight when you demanded your DP cancel seeing his daughter for you …even adult children don't generally make appointments to see their parents.

What number / frequency of solo visits are problematic for you?

Your DP demanding you're there when she visits will drive her away, why doesn't your love for DP allow you to step back and let them love each other?

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I don’t think you’ve understood the OP. It was the DD who expected her dad to cancel plans with OP when she visited unannounced. OP has never demanded that he cancel plans with his DD - it’s completely the opposite. And it may not be customary for adult children to ‘make appointments’ to see their parents, but it’s courtesy to call beforeand to make sure they’re not busy. Turning up unannounced and demanding your parent change their plans is downright rude.

And in the event of them eventually marrying or living together, l sure as shit wouldn’t be vacating my own home while DD visits - they can go out to lunch or something.

TheHateIsNotGood · 14/09/2026 17:21

Has it occurred to you OP that some perspectives given here are from adults who have experience of being the DD in such a scenario?

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 17:10

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 17:04

Yeah, that's fair too. I think we all feel better when someone appears to get what we're saying - I don't think I'm alone in appreciating some external understanding for my situation. I have also really paid attention to what some PPs have written even if it's not necessarily my 'ideal' response.

I mean, what IS my ideal response? In a way it would be easier if everyone simply told me to stop BU. I could maybe try to put away how I feel about this if I knew that unanimously people condemned it as irrational.

But that's not the case, and also some of the people condemning it are definitely just here for the laughs and to throw a few stones as they've nothing better to do - so, yeah, forgive me for totally disregarding their comments.

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You can disregard anyone, of course you can. I’m just saying that sometimes you can get good advice and understanding from people who haven’t been in your exact shoes. Sometimes there isn’t a good answer, it’s just what it is. You are being unreasonable in real
terms - right now, the issue is in your head rather than in reality. She’s at his house a couple of times a year, you have your own home, career and kids to keep you busy. But if you do plan to move in together, it becomes a problem and you need to address that. I’m not sure asking for his backing in all situations will work, especially if he doesn’t like confrontation. You’ll all end up unhappy. Personally I think you’ve got a good set up. If you’re otherwise happy, why rock the boat?

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 17:05

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 16:15

Genuinely not. It's just a private matter between a man and a woman who're in a relationship.
Also, it seems from a few of the comments about this that people assume she knows about it - I'm pretty sure she doesn't, because, why would he tell her?

Again, it's a private agreement between us. It's not any staggering amount of money (nor is he some rich old dude I want to marry for his money. I'm a successful professional woman myself, so I don't need that). It was a matter of showing commitment to us as a unit, and him being a higher earner, it makes sense (to us). It's really no one else's business. My kids don't know either and they benefit from it, so why would his daughter who lives 100 miles away.

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As I said, everything you’ve shared here is private between the two of you, so it’s not that surprising someone would ask.

I do find it interesting that you’re unsure if she knows and cagey about whether she does. Of course it’s entirely up to him who he chooses to give money to. I’m sure you can accept though that cash isn’t the usual way to demonstrate commitment. But since you’re happy with that arrangement and it benefits your kids, it seems a bit controlling to also want him to ‘back you’ against his daughter. You seem to want everything your own way. How do you demonstrate your commitment to him?

Original poster
SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 17:04

Switchnow · 14/09/2026 16:09

And yet there have been posts from people who have been in your situation who haven’t agreed with you, and others who haven’t but whose advice you’ve listened to.

Empathy and thought don’t always depend on having been in a situation, and don’t always magically appear even if someone has.

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Yeah, that's fair too. I think we all feel better when someone appears to get what we're saying - I don't think I'm alone in appreciating some external understanding for my situation. I have also really paid attention to what some PPs have written even if it's not necessarily my 'ideal' response.

I mean, what IS my ideal response? In a way it would be easier if everyone simply told me to stop BU. I could maybe try to put away how I feel about this if I knew that unanimously people condemned it as irrational.

But that's not the case, and also some of the people condemning it are definitely just here for the laughs and to throw a few stones as they've nothing better to do - so, yeah, forgive me for totally disregarding their comments.

OP posts:
MsPrufrockk · 14/09/2026 17:02

SecretsAndLies77 · 14/09/2026 16:09

He thinks it's going to change over time and we will live together! He doesn't want to live on his own when his younger daughter leaves home, which could be relatively soon. It's a bit crazy tbh. I don't really want to. I did at one point, but don't any more as I've come to seriously value my peace.

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Have you made it very clear to him that this isn't going to happen, and that in fact the situation with his DD means you might not even be staying together?

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable not wanting to be shut out of his home when you have a key and are usually there all the time. Of course our children come first, but when it's an adult child behaving in a horrible way for no reason, there's definitely some nuance.

Ultimately I think you have a choice to make, are you prepared to have this happen for potentially decades to come? If he's not going to support you and and she's going to continue to be like this, it's really on you to make a change - unfortunately.

LongDarkTeatime · 14/09/2026 17:02

Can I suggest you widen you net in seeking advice to include the people who were children of blended families. Only hearing from women in a 2nd marriage gives you an echo chamber. It is off-spring of blended families who might be able to give insight into DD30’s possible thoughts and feelings, which may potentially raise ways forward.

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