I feel like I hate my stepson

His mum died when he was a baby (way before he was 2) so he wouldn’t remember. His older sister would’ve been deeply affected by the death of her mum, which I mentioned in her post. She would have memories of her mum and the death. According to OP’s posts, the sister has turned out fine.

How does he access money for vapes and cigarettes? Does he not want to get a PT job that is unrelated to DH?

DD said no to things together more often than not unless it was something she wanted (still does, and often leaves me stood up) but I keep persisting because I don’t want her using it as something to whine about, really. However she was always very keen on getting extra money and as soon as she turned 16 she got a PT job to supplement her allowance, is this something SS would want or does he just want money for nothing?

Under no circumstances would I have a young adult unemployed male who takes drugs and has troubling behaviour staying in my home. Son, stepson or relative of any kind. Not a chance.

OP I would look on the good schools guide and see if there's a better fit. I looked at 22!

Would he be prepared to try another one? Did you visit the FE college? They're better for non conformists.
I would usually advise a Christian foundation school but that might not suit if he's gay.
He needs a very strong role model. I hate violence but boxing clubs and other sports can show belonging.

There are plenty of things I don't judge, but abnegating responsibility for children isn't one of them.

if you look at my previous posts I have provided links to support services and encouraged op to contact them. I managed to do that without judging her. You should try it sometime.

And writing the boy off as an intrinsically bad egg isn't going to generate a motivation to address the situation either. It's simply an excuse to drop the ball entirely. I'm afraid I just don't believe you do that with children - certainly not as young as 16.

I think the point is the OP is scared of him ( that's how it sounds to me).

it sounds to me like she is exhausted and feeling at the end of her tether.

Sometimes when we’re in a situation we can’t see the wood for the trees - we feel like we have tried everything and that there isn’t anything that else that can be done. That’s perfectly normal. There ARE things that can be done - support and therapy for the parents, the child and the entire family. But I’m not remotely surprised that op is feeling as she is. Berating and attacking her isn’t going to encourage her to gather herself and, along with her husband, find the strength to keep going and explore options that may help.

OP I agree with the poster up thread you need to find the right therapist. My daughter had three. We also had two sencos advising autism and it was only at her second school (funnily enough a boarding school) that we got the correct diagnosis. She's not autistic but has a communication difficulty brought on by trauma.

Your stepson sounds that he has a mental health crisis. People could have influenced him online if he is into gay porn. Remember the LGBT q activists seek out ' 'new friends'. When did this start I wonder? Boys at boarding school always swapped dirty mags for fags. Twas ever thus.
He might have stolen you underwear to wear.

Yes he needs therapy but he also needs to be in school. Did he choose the last one? Does he want to go to a new one? There's no mention of friends.
Fwiw my half brother always felt different. My father included him in everything but he was difficult as a child and did some shit things including hurting me. I never told anyone bar my sister who didn't believe me. Be vigilant, he could have hurt your dsd.
Psychopaths do exist as children so I suggest you don't get an animal as he could hurt it.
He's still young enough for camhs but the wait is huge. Buy some robust therapy and be very clear as to what's gone on. He probably needs a psychiatrist not a therapist. Good luck.

Yeah and so would I.

But I'd also be feeling a whole lot worse if my mum had died when I was a baby, my father had remarried someone who hated me, my sister left home early, I got shipped to boarding school because my home found me hard to accommodate,

And the difference is, for the vast majority of this time, one has been a child dealing with it and the other an adult. PP can argue all they like about whether he is now an adult and has been for half an hour, but his difficulties date back into his childhood.

I’d be feeling anxious if any male member of my family, young or not, had been rummaging through my underwear. You don’t need to be a full fledged adult to make a woman feel unsafe about it, really.

But to be fair she has not approached the thread as someone genuinely looking for help,

She has declared that she "hates" him. and her paramount concern is feeling anxious because he looked at her knickers. Not WHY he took them, or how they can help unpick, but more seeking reinforcement that he needs kicking out - again.

You wouldn't get many bio mothers coming at things from that angle. Yes, they might have made parenting mistakes, but it is the attitude not just the situation the family has got into that has angered people.

And above and beyond that, children actually need to be brought up and guided by someone. Not shipped off because they are difficult.

His sister also did not hang about. Whatever her reasons were, that is still sending a message about the cohesion of his family to him.

It's all very well for pp to go on about not condoning misogyny or porn or leering etc, but someone actually has to TEACH boys to be appropriate members of society. You don't just send them away then complain about who comes back.

Boarding school can work for children in very supportive families who do it for the right reasons. But doing it to get rid of a child is not one of them.

@ExhaustedStepmum please contact some of the organisations I linked earlier, there is support out there for you as parents as well as for your ss.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, it’s very easy to know what we’d do differently looking back….but you are where you are today so you need to go from here. Things can get better for all your family with the right support in place. I’m not saying it will be easy but let’s face facts, parenting isn’t easy even without trauma and teenage hormones thrown in! Good luck ❤️

There wouldn’t have been the same vile hate that has cropped up though.

There is a responsibility on the OP and his dad for this, but some posters have been utterly vile, and there has been very little genuine support

Parental loss or not, boarding school or not, there’s an abundance of behaviour that simply can’t be tolerated or glossed over. Frankly I’m already amazed you’ve made it past the underwear incident.

My father and all his siblings grew up in boarding schools (actually, even worse, in orphanages) and most came out very good people, just one hasn’t. Was it the trauma? Maybe. But you can’t run with that forever. I have a close friend who grew up shoved into a boarding school (her mother even changed countries without telling her!) and she’s not like your SS.

DD lost her father very young, followed by a string of grandparents deaths. She’s tricky, but not that tricky. I work with a young man DD’s age who also lost his mother very young. Again, he has issues, but not like your SS.

He definitely needs help, but you’d probably also be better off with him moving out (maybe with DH temporarily) and helping from a certain distance.

I agree with PPs who have mentioned personality disorders and (most importantly) weed use, if he does. I 100% think weed is a massive reason for so many MH issues in young people.

I agree, there is an emphasis on what was done for SS ie making food he likes etc but a lack of love and care in the way he is written about.

OP has given reasons why the SDC were not at home - SS boarding for a structured environment at age 13. SD for a college which happened to be far from the family home so had to move away at age 16. Both SDC not at home with the only child as home OPs DS.

OP it seems lacks insight into why SS might behave in the way he does or why SD doesn't visit much now. She might say it's because of her DB to just keep the peace and he is an easier target. So now the poor boy is even more isolated even from his sister.

Their own father needs to wake up as to why his need for a new wife soon after the death of the mother of his kids has lead to this mess.

Trauma affects people in different ways.

For example, two people can witness a distressing event - say a fatal car accident. How they react to this event will be different although highly likely to have some commonalities.

while I appreciate your personal experience of childhood loss via your grandfather’s life, there is a huge body of evidence around childhood parental loss and bereavement. OP’s ss’s behaviour is very difficult but actually no, it’s not at another level - anyone with experience of working with traumatised children would be familiar with the behaviours described.

I think you're massively underplaying, or overlooking, the huge impact boarding school will have had on this boy. Sure it might work out for some kids, but this is a boy who lost his mother, then almost immediately had to share his father with a stepmum and new step siblings, then effectively lost his big sister too. Having him home in the holidays and giving him burgers and pizzas doesn't make up for the huge feelings of cumulative loss and rejection he must have felt.

Re it being easier because of the commute, I am a little bit aghast that that was the most persuasive factor here. Let me ask you this - if your workplace decided to move offices to a couple of hours away, but said it's ok, we've set up a dormitory for you to share with all your colleagues, you can just sleep over here during the week - would you think great, much easier, or would you dislike that setup for any reason?

@Anon501178 : 'Absolutely this- sounds like this poor boy has grown up with alot of abandonment and rejection, yet your DS is the golden boy.'

The OP's son is not the golden boy – that description was given by the OP's stepdaughter to her brother (the OP's stepson).

Also, it doesn't sound like the OP's stepson grew up with 'lots of' abandonment and rejection from his living relatives. If you read the OP's narrative, the main issue was lack of boundaries from his father. To the extent there were some difficult interactions between the two boys, for example, the OP's husband tended to think the OP's son should accept or accommodate the behaviour of the DH's son. The OP said that it's only now that her DH is accepting there may be problems.

It also sounds like the stepson's behaviour became worse in his teenage years, and the first 'rejection' was going to a private school where he boarded during the week (albeit that her DH would probably deny that this was rejection, but rather finding a better school for him).

OP, you are getting lots of blame unfairly. Just because you got together with your now DH when his son was two does not mean you immediately stepped into a parenting role. Furthermore, it sounds like your DH has received plenty of feedback on the problems with his parenting strategies, and was simply not open to them. Your power in such a situation is limited.

One thing posters have said, which is fair and a good idea, is for you and your DH to obtain some support through counselling (individually and together).

In contrast, I am very uncomfortable with the suggestion that you are overreacting to your stepson stealing your underwear. I think your response is completely fair, and in fact that you should discuss this with your DH in counselling asap. Similarly, the comment's of your DS's girlfriend are worrying. Women have an intuition for creeps and sexual predators, and you should take her reaction seriously.

My grandfather lost his mother at birth, his father married and produced more children. My grandfather didn’t steal things. After his father died, he paid for his younger sibling’s education and helped them settled down.

Yes, trauma impacted him too. He wasn’t a perfect man. But stealing, constant lying, misbehaving at school and stealing underwear of step mother is another level.

Hey OP, this sounds really tough and exhausting. Have you considered family therapy rather than trying individual therapy with SS again?

It feels like the whole family has become stuck in a dynamic where SS sees himself as the victim of the family and the person everyone has a problem with, while the rest of you are understandably anticipating the next problem. Family therapy might make it less about “there's something wrong with SS that needs fixing” and more “this isn't working for any of us, so how do we make it better?” It also gives someone independent the chance to see how you all interact rather than relying entirely on what SS tells an individual therapist.

The comment about whether his dad wished he'd died instead of his mum really struck me. Even if he never normally talks about her, that's a huge thing for a 16-year-old to suddenly come out with. I wonder if there's much more going on underneath the anger/bravado than he's able or willing to articulate.

Alongside that I'd be trying really hard to find him some purpose and motivation. Who is he underneath all this behaviour? What does he like or think he's good at? What does he imagine himself doing at 18 or 20? Cars, computers, writing, films, graphics, gaming, sport, cooking, making money... anything?

At the moment he's 16, not in education or work and seemingly spending most of his life alone in his room. However much his own behaviour has contributed to that, I can't imagine it's going to help him change. I'd be looking for something practical that gives him a reason to get up and somewhere he's expected to be - vocational training, an apprenticeship, volunteering, a part-time job, whatever might spark something. Even a trusted adult outside the family who likes him but also expects something from him could be really valuable.

He needs firm boundaries around stealing, aggression and intimidating people, absolutely, but he also needs opportunities to experience that he matters and that what he does affects people positively as well as negatively. He already knows everyone thinks he's doing things wrong. He needs the chance to be useful, contribute to something and discover he's actually good at something too.

I'd maybe also speak to your GP about whether a proper adolescent mental health assessment would be appropriate. The big behavioural change, school problems, stealing, aggression, substance use, isolation and some of the things he's saying seem worth looking at as a whole, rather than concluding therapy doesn't work because he wouldn't engage previously. And if he's still using weed, I'd mention that too, particularly given some of the suspicious/paranoid-sounding reactions you've described, as cannabis can make that worse in some people.

None of this excuses throwing forks, stealing your underwear or making people uncomfortable in their own home. He needs consistent boundaries. But he also desperately needs some route out of being “the problem child” and a chance to build an identity around something other than everything he's done wrong.