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AIBU?

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AIBU to ask my partner about messages with a female colleague?

15 replies

EveryoneLeaveMeTheFuckAlone · 13/09/2026 22:07

I posted this below on ‘relationships’ last night and after having some helpful feedback, I’ve been thinking about it all day. I thought I’d post again here to ask AIBU to speak to DP about this now?
YABU - nothing has happened (yet) and you’ll open a can of worms and look mental for checking his work laptop.
YANBU - nip it in the bud now and hope it doesn’t backfire in your stupid face.

So I’m checking my partner’s work laptop (I know, but don’t). There have been some messages with a new-ish female colleague recently, nothing obviously untoward, but a couple of things are grating on me. The first message came from her when a senior colleague asked her to check something with DP. A few messages back and forth about work thing. He then tells her that they were both recently in the same place at the same time, with different clients and he thought it was weird (I’ve no idea why). He had been ‘waiting’ to tell her that but hadn’t had the ‘opportunity’ yet.
She was going on holiday in the summer and he messaged her to say he’s ‘disappointed I will miss you’ at the meeting, but enjoy your holiday etc. She mentions her ‘boys’ a couple of times and DP asks if ‘the boys’ includes her partner, like he didn’t know if she had one.
Am I reading too much into this?

OP posts:
DewDropsAndCobWebs · 13/09/2026 22:10

If you don't trust him, say goodbye.
Spending the next how ever long playing detective, double guessing ever message or interaction, is no way to live, for either of you

TinyGingerCat · 13/09/2026 22:15

Why are you checking his laptop? I’d be furious if my DH was checking mine. If you are doing this I’d suggest your relationship is done for regardless of whether he’s carrying on with someone else or not. Life is too short to remain with someone you don’t trust.

AgentPidge · 13/09/2026 22:17

You don't know the context around these messages so it means you're filling in the missing bits and possibly getting it way wrong. So do yourself a favour and stop checking. Either ask him to explain (and I honestly can't see how you can do that) or decide to trust him. If you don't trust him then your relationship is dead.

mumsntt · 13/09/2026 22:32

he should dump you for checking his laptop

ColdAsAWitches · 13/09/2026 22:45

YANBU - nip it in the bud now and hope it doesn’t backfire in your stupid face.

Nip what in the bud? For the life of me I can't see anything wrong with those messages. You're being very unreasonable for going through his emails. You don't say anything about your life, but if it's just you and your partner, walk away now. He doesn't deserve to have this level of distrust in a relationship.

Didimum · 13/09/2026 23:26

Hold your tongue and continue to check his messages.

Tink3rbell30 · 14/09/2026 00:36

Hmm I bet she is younger, attractive and possibly "going through a rough time" or recently single. I would put money that she is not 50 year old muffin top Mandy. Say nothing and keep your eye on it for a little while.

Boreded · 14/09/2026 00:40

In 6 weeks or 6 months this will have escalated. Call him out on it now, tell him how it makes you feel and ask him not to make a silly choice that could end up costing him the family.

There is a way to approach this, and if you do it tactfully then he will realise that his behaviour upsets you, and a logical person would stop so as not to cause harm to the person they love.

You’re going to need to apologise for snooping though too…even if you did find something that you didn’t like, what you did was an invasion of his privacy. This works two ways here, he stops what you don’t like, and you stop accessing his personal messages.

Candlejewel · 14/09/2026 00:47

I agree , his msgs seem suspicious. He has no need to be asking about whether she has a partner. He’s already crossing a line there

BeBusyAmberTurtle · 14/09/2026 01:09

EveryoneLeaveMeTheFuckAlone · 13/09/2026 22:07

I posted this below on ‘relationships’ last night and after having some helpful feedback, I’ve been thinking about it all day. I thought I’d post again here to ask AIBU to speak to DP about this now?
YABU - nothing has happened (yet) and you’ll open a can of worms and look mental for checking his work laptop.
YANBU - nip it in the bud now and hope it doesn’t backfire in your stupid face.

So I’m checking my partner’s work laptop (I know, but don’t). There have been some messages with a new-ish female colleague recently, nothing obviously untoward, but a couple of things are grating on me. The first message came from her when a senior colleague asked her to check something with DP. A few messages back and forth about work thing. He then tells her that they were both recently in the same place at the same time, with different clients and he thought it was weird (I’ve no idea why). He had been ‘waiting’ to tell her that but hadn’t had the ‘opportunity’ yet.
She was going on holiday in the summer and he messaged her to say he’s ‘disappointed I will miss you’ at the meeting, but enjoy your holiday etc. She mentions her ‘boys’ a couple of times and DP asks if ‘the boys’ includes her partner, like he didn’t know if she had one.
Am I reading too much into this?

If your Spidey senses are tingling, then trust them

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · 14/09/2026 02:14

Why is he so interested to know if she has a partner? He will miss her?

I think he likes her but she’s not really reciprocating

somewhereovertherainbow26 · 14/09/2026 02:20

Weird how when men put out feelers towards "friendship" or whatever outside of work it's never with 20 stone Marge.

Keep your mouth shut, keep checking, you will soon know.

Tamtim · 14/09/2026 04:20

Definitely trying to open up communication with this woman. Classic signs, men are so predictable.

ExtraOnions · 14/09/2026 06:39

How did you get the password for his work laptop? That’s a Gross Misconduct that could lead to him being fired.

Aside from that, do you regularly check his devices? Seems odd to focus on work messages.

Those messages sound fairly innocuous, you don’t know hold old she is, marital status, sexuality or anything else, just a couple of bland messages.

Shoxfordian · 14/09/2026 08:00

Those messages don't sound like anything to worry about but your stalker behaviour is definitely something I'd break up with you over if I were him

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