DH's memory is worrying me – how do I stop myself spiralling and change how I interact with him?
I'm looking for some practical/emotional advice from anyone whose partner has significant memory problems, rather than a diagnosis.
My husband has forgotten two quite major things in the last six months.
The first was when I had a miscarriage. He knew about it at the time, but shortly afterwards I asked why he hadn't checked in with me and he genuinely seemed to have forgotten it had happened. He said, "Oh, I'm so sorry – what miscarriage?" He has suggested that this may have been some kind of stress/trauma response.
The second happened a couple of weeks ago and was much more mundane.
He was telling me about his week one evening and told me that he'd been trying to persuade his parents to move house so they'd live closer to us. We talked about it normally.
The next morning he was looking at houses for sale and I asked if they were for his parents. He said no and seemed genuinely confused about why I'd think that. He referred instead to a conversation we'd had about us moving house, which had actually been about a year ago.
I later looked at his phone because I was so confused by the interaction (I hadn't looked at it originally) and there was a message he'd sent to his dad about houses saying "as discussed earlier". So he definitely had been discussing it with his dad – he'd simply forgotten that he'd told me about it the night before.
He's already seen the GP, who felt that stress was the likely explanation, but I'm encouraging him to go back because I'm not entirely comfortable just leaving it there.
What I'm struggling with isn't really whether I'm remembering things correctly – I'm not. It's how I change my interactions with him now that I know his memory may occasionally do this, without becoming anxious and hypervigilant.
For example, should I just calmly accept that he may forget conversations and not attach much meaning to it? Should I start confirming important things in writing? Should I gently say "I think you may have forgotten that we discussed this" rather than getting drawn into trying to establish what happened? How do you handle it when they confidently remember something differently from you?
And emotionally, how do you stop yourself thinking:
"What if there's something seriously wrong?"
"What if he keeps getting worse?"
"What other important things is he going to forget?"
"How am I supposed to feel secure with someone whose memory I can't completely rely on?"
"I can't trust he'll be there to support me as he may forget there is anything to support. What can I do to feel less alone?!"
I don't want to turn into his memory-monitor, constantly watching him for signs of deterioration. Equally, I don't want to stick my head in the sand.
I'd really love to hear from people who've been in this position. What actually helped you change the way you interacted with your partner, and what helped you manage the fear and uncertainty in yourself?
I'm particularly interested in the day-to-day stuff rather than "he should see a doctor" – he already has, and I'm encouraging him to go back.