14mo DD using my breasts as a dummy for entire night - how do I stop?

I was heartbroken when my husband suggested stopping feeding my 16 month old! Baby was fine and didn't even seem to notice!

Unless you are a single mum, get your partner to be the one settling her for a week or so. Find lovely ways of bonding and settling without BF (cuddles, singing songs, bouncing, sharing a book or toy).

I found it easier to limit day feeds first, as easier to offer alternatives and I had more resolve. If you’re not doing that already.

I probably wouldn’t introduce a dummy at that age.
Whats her usual schedule? It sounds like shes undertired at bedtime if shes restless after midnight. She might benefit from less day sleep and / or a later bedtime. I night weaned at 18 months and DD slept through shortly after.

I established a limit in the day, not for every feed but when I didn't really want to. So I'd say 'ten milkies then bye bye milkies, ok?' before these feeds and count to ten then delatch. If insistent I'd do another ten. But the point was to be able to do this at night once established in the day, so they'd fall asleep without it in their mouth.

Breastfeeding has no greater importance than any other close maternal and ideally paternal relationship-building interaction.

I don't agree with this at all. There's an important distinction between saying that breastfeeding is not essential for a secure attachment and saying that it has “no greater importance than any other” relationship-building interaction. The latter simply isn't supported by the evidence.
A systematic review of 11 studies found that 4 of the 7 studies examining breastfeeding and infant attachment found that longer breastfeeding was significantly associated with greater attachment security, even after controlling for various factors. The authors concluded that there is some evidence that breastfeeding might contribute to attachment security, although the effect is likely to be relatively small. Linde et al., 2020.
There's also a prospective study of 675 mother-infant pairs which found that longer breastfeeding was associated with greater maternal sensitive responsiveness, greater attachment security and less attachment disorganisation.
The American Academy of Paediatrics has also cited research finding that longer breastfeeding duration was associated with increased maternal sensitivity, including responsiveness to infants and ability to read their cues.
Even the 2006 Paediatrics study, which found that the quality of mother-infant interaction, rather than feeding method itself, predicted attachment security, found greater maternal sensitivity among breastfeeding mothers and concluded that this may foster secure attachment.
So no, breastfeeding isn't a prerequisite for a close or secure relationship, and nobody is suggesting that a bottle-feeding mother can't have an exceptionally strong bond with her baby. But that's completely different from claiming breastfeeding has no greater importance than any other interaction. There is evidence of an association with maternal sensitivity and attachment, and a systematic review specifically identifies maternal sensitivity and secure attachment as the relationship indicators most frequently associated with breastfeeding.
In other words: “not necessary” does not mean “no particular importance”. The evidence is considerably more nuanced than that statement suggests.

In any case, the PP is simply objecting to the OP saying that her breasts are being used as a dummy, when in fact it's the other way around, and to dummies being the default. Given the overall benefits of breastfeeding and the stigma that is sometimes still attached, I agree that we shouldn't be defaulting to bottles and dummies as the norm and implying that breasts are a substitute for artificial methods.

Breastfeeding has no greater importance than any other close maternal and ideally paternal relationship-building interaction. This is a 14mo toddler, not a newborn. Your lecture is misplaced, sanctimonious and unhelpful.

Totally sympathise and my son did this (asleep in own cot then into bed with me once DH couldn't get him back down and he'd feed constantly for 3-4h until wake up).

First I made sure he could go to sleep on his own - DH started putting him back down at night, patting shushing never leaving him. Longest he took to go back to sleep on his own was 11min. Then I started - took longer but I never left him, I'd set a timer for 15 mins and pick him up, give him a cuddle if he was still crying by then, then back to "it's sleepy time". Same routine, patting shushing etc. After a few days he'd just lie down himself after his bath and book etc no crying.

I started dropping feeds around 16 months and keeping them to structured times. Managed to get down to just before bath (moved from before bed), before nap and in the early hours by around 17/18mo. Then recently 18 mo I managed to drop first the nap feed then the before bedtime feed. Just turned 19mo and he still comes into bed with me but for a few weeks at least I've been cutting him off at night so let him feed both sides, offer water first and then once I say "all done now" or do a 5 sec countdown then all done. Took some screaming while I cuddled him but he's used to it now and he'll ask for water himself.

I think it’s tricky as dummies are literally that - a “dummy” breast. So the baby’s natural urge is to want to suckle at a breast at different times in their development and humans have invented a substitute (a dummy) to avoid that.

So it’s hard to say a baby is using a dummy as a substitute breast, when it’s literally the other way around.

That said, it must be soul destroying and exhausting for the mother in these situations! Have you tried an actual dummy? It could help!

Edit - I’m in no way saying that mothers have to sacrifice their bodies entirely to their babies/ toddlers, but just that it’s important to understand the context of this.

Because it's a damaging thing to say. Breasts are the default, the natural way of providing both food and comfort and the best option when it's available.
Comments that imply that a dummy is the default and the breast is an alternative that replaces a dummy undermine the importance of breastfeeding.

Also ibclc Kathryn stagg has written about night weaning if you feel you’d like to do that
so has ibclc Emma Pickett, she also discusses it on her podcast milk matters. It’s very good !
kathrynstaggibclc.com/2018/11/02/gentle-night-weaning/amp/

I did the plasters on the nipples too
It worked - people can think of me what they like. I was totally overwhelmed by the overtouching.
DS is 13, perfectly well adjusted and obviously doesn't remember mean mummy not letting him soothe all night on her

Solidarity it’s a tough age. Are you in a good breastfeeding support group eg LaLecheLeague in real life or online, or the FB group “Breastfeeding older babies and beyond”
also FB group “the beyond sleep training project” gentle peer sleep support only (no sleep training or leaving baby to cry suggested)

mine upped the ante with night breastfeeds at that age (I have had three breastfed babies) they were reverse cycling due to my return to work, numerous viruses from nursery, molar teeth rumbling, developmental leaps, learning to walk, talk, run! it’s tough going.
I kept them close to me in my bed so I didn’t have to get out of bed myself at all. I made sure I was in bed early with them to maximise my own sleep. I breastfed lying down. My husband looked after older children if they woke at night so the only one waking me at night was the youngest. I tapered down and eventually phased out daytime naps. I shortened their nights to 10-11 hours. Minimised evening time or “danger” naps. I cut my daytime work hours down also to give myself some breathing space.
sending hugs !

Can her Dad take a long weekend to help you break the cycle?

When we were dropping night feeds, my DH stepped up to do all the night wakings for a few days.

It's deeply unlikely a breastfed toddler will go back to sleep without a feed if you put them in the same room as a VERY milky smelling Mummy! Dad can provide comfort & soothing & jiggle or pat them back to sleep - all without them getting more worked up that they are being refused access to the night bar.

You have my sympathy, I remember being used as a dummy, I couldn't stand it, gave me the heebie jeebies, breast feeding, not a problem, we were experts! Being used as a dummy..... nope! I rang one of the helplines because I was desperate only to be told that - 'they don't hold with the idea of babies using their mothers as dummies' eeeer, excuse me!!! I just started moving them away from my breast when they started doing it, it eventually settled.

I went in with a no nonsense approach reluctantly but I thought it was the only way. My son was 14 months so exactly the same age as your LOand on 3 meals a day and a bf at night just before bed. I made the decision one night that there was no more night feeding or sucking (mainly as I had gone back to work) so i fed him at 7pm put him down and when he woke I left him to cry he literally cried for an hour and then went back to sleep and then woke and literally cried again for over an hour and again I didnt go to him. I knew he didnt need my milk it was just pure habit. The following night he slept through and never woke in the night again. Mumsnetters hate this cry it out approach but it worked for us .

Yes to this.

And if she cries just try your best to comfort her without your boobs

Because she’s exhausted and no dummies aren’t a replacement many breastfed children used dummies because constantly sucking on a boob can be very draining because mothers are human too a woman shouldn’t have to drain herself 24/7 we never have men having this issue because men don’t have to “suffer” she’s grown her for nine months which is already challenging and she’s been feeding her from her body for 14 months she has every right to get her body back and be well rested. Happy mum = happy baby

The OP has posted that she is exhausted and needs proper quality sleep. A 14 month old should easily be able to sleep through the night in her cot.

I night weaned at 12 months each time. Get your DH to do all night wakings for a few weeks, go cold turkey at night, she’ll get used to it quickly.

Why do you feel its normal for a 14 month old to sleep separately from her parents. It might be normal for you but nit everyone follows this path. Iwould make sure she is eating enough before bed and mabe try a dummy but only in bed. Its hard when you are tired but it will pass. I have 3 all breastfed 2 1 until 2 years old 1 until 19 months they didnt have dummies, my youngest was mixed fed and had a dummy. It will all work out in the end.

I wouldn’t introduce a dummy now. If you have a partner get them to do night times for a few nights. Keep your boobs away

Because breasts are for feeding. And women have the right to say - enough is enough. The OP has had enough, she wants advice, not a lecture.
OP, my suggestions are stop feeding her to sleep - give her a feed after bath time and before story time then put her down awake. Don't pick her up if she wakes in the night, shush pat her instead. Stick to a routine no matter how hard! It will pay off in the end.

You just stop. You can’t stop making adult decisions just because your child screams. That way madness lies. Yes, she’ll whine, but she will get over it.

You must be absolutely shattered. Looking back, I remember feeling really guilty whenever I started thinking I was sick of breastfeeding and being constantly available like this, because there's so much guilt-tripping of mums who dare to put their own comfort and well being first, ever (see up thread). But now this is all 10 years behind me, I just think fucking hell, you've done 14 months of this and it's fine to draw a line under it if you want to.

I got pregnant again when DC1 was 14 months, and was so exhausted and run down I realised I really needed to stop with the constant night feeds. So DH took over all night wakings - it only took a few days for things to settle and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I tapered off the day feeds pretty quickly after that, and once I'd got over the mum guilt I realised it was all actually completely fine. It's your body and you're allowed to put yourself first.