To not allow dd’s bf to come round after “mistake”

It's not a one off, he was permanently excluded from school for drugs. YANBU

She is tied to this guy for the rest of her life, and it sounds like she hasn’t got much sense herself is she is still with him.
It would be one thing if she had grown up, related what a waster he was and sorted her life out. But she hasn’t. She is still with him, she is arguing with you over him, threatening to leave and cut you out for him. If you take a stance here, you could lose her and she won’t have the option to grow up and realise what he is as she will have backed herself into a corner.

I would allow him round, but I’d be talking to her all the time about the worries I have, and how he is behaving and trying to educate her on the sort of life she will have with him vs the sort of life she could have if she sorts herself out. But you can’t do any of that if she leaves.

I’ve got a lot of drug addicts in my family and honestly unless they’re fully ready to quit - they won’t. Normally people with serious addictions (and from what you’ve said it’s serious, since he was caught at school) require a support program to quit and remain clean. Your daughter should cut her losses and leave but you can’t make her.

She’s made a huge mistake with this waster. I’d be banning him too. She might see sense eventually.

I agree with this approach.

Absolutely. Once she’s on her own and as you say she is stubborn, she might not even come back when she realises what a mistake she has made

I don’t understand how she went from him bullying her for years to her dating and having a kid with him? If he was excluded for drugs where was she even seeing him

I would let him round on the understanding that he doesnt come stoned or bring drugs into your house. I wouldnt let him sleep over. Id also insist that the doors stay open. I think its better that you see whats going on and that your child and grandchild are under your roof. If she wants to foff with him at 18 and cut you out there's ansoultly nothing you can do about it.. but, more fool her.

I agree.

I wouldn’t like it at all, but I’d like it a lot more than her moving out and living with him (although is this even financially feasible?)

Drug addict boyfriend with a history of abusing her, can't see why they shouldn't live together in their own place. Are social services still involved?

This. No offence to your daughter but she clearly makes bad choices. Sounds like she’s grown up with a shit dad (assuming as she’s cut him off) and is now choosing a shit partner.

Shes trying to play happy families with an idiot and she’ll soon find out. In the meantime, she’s going to need you so I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise your relationship for now. Except if he brings drugs into the home or comes over drugged.

Well its to late for that isn't it? You allowed her to have a relationship and have a child with him. Its like trying to put the fire out when the whole place has already burnt out. The grandchild needs to have their dad around and you don't get a choice in that. If you put a stop to it, GC will grow up asking why they don't see their dad and you will have the blame for it and likely they will choose not to have a relationship with you for taking that away from them.

Firstly, it really isn’t up to you whether he sees his own child or not. And acting like it is is the worst thing you could do.

Secondly, give the poor girl a break. I know you think that letting her and her child and this tosser stay is really generous of you and she should be grateful because she made a stupid decision etc etc, but she’s your kid! You’re meant to support them through stupid decisions. Like if she’d done something dumb and jumped off a bridge into shallow water and broken her back or something awful you wouldn’t be lording your care over her and harking back to how she shouldn’t have jumped into shallow water, right? so why do it now?

the poor kid has a horrid boyfriend. She’s a young parent, which comes with its own unique stresses, she’s a new parent which is a wild ride. She has hormones raging from pregnancy and just her age. Her job prospects are massively curtailed. Her ability to go out and have fun disappearing. No doubt friends are disappearing. Every single part of her life is dragging her down, battering her, and causing her stress.

Keep quiet. Hug her when she’s sad. Help with the baby graciously. Honestly just keep your mouth shut. You’re playing a long game here. When this guy acts like an arsehole make it possible for her to tell you! Or she’ll stop telling you. And yes, she will leave.

Be the harbour, not another wave she has to try not to drown under.

Again, why?

Don’t wave away weed as of little concern when you consider the question of ‘drugs’ as a whole.
The weed smoked these days is a very noxious and potentially dangerous drug, destroying young brains, and this is bad enough even after leaving aside worries about whom he interacts with to buy it, and ditto where he smokes it.
These are no longer the sleepily stoned hippies of yore. They can be as riled up as any Hulk and as aggressively out of control as anyone doing really horrible pills and powders.
It’s dreadful, filthy stuff, quite unpredictable, and your GS should be nowhere near its influence.

OP isn’t going to say. It’s quite clear she won’t respond to anyone saying anything negative about her daughter. Seems all the blame is on the boy; and any suggestion that her kid made bad choices and got herself into this just as much as he did is being ignored and OP won’t answer anything about it.

My guess is that this girl sees herself as a rescuer. He was a problem boy, she could fix it. Or it’s the ultimate negging. He was awful to her, so she wanted to prove her worth. Negging works on some women for a reason.

That’s not really the point here is it.
the answer is probably because she wanted to.

Maybe letting him stay is the lesser evil. If she moves out and cut ties, she and your GC will be alone with him. That's the worst outcome. Sure I wouldn't want her boy friends in our live and our house too. But if I had to do it to stay in the dauggters and GC lives, I would.

Its a very awkward situation.

What relationship do you want with your daughter? If she has already cut her dad out of her life, then she could do the same with you.

Personally, I would allow her boyfriend to continue to come round and keep the channel of communication open between all three of you. They are both very young and have a lot of maturing to do. They could both be very different people in a few years time.

That doesn't mean you can't have your boundaries about what happens in your home.

If you want your daughter to not be in a relationship with him long-term, then banning him now may not be the way to go about it, and may push her into it.

The whys and wherefores about ‘why’ she started chatting to this boy on social media are really not relevant now are they? And even if they were, why do you think the OP might know the answer?
what a seriously ridiculous question 🙄