AIBU to want distance from friends who trigger heavy drinking?

Whilst I don't think she's a full blown alcoholic, I think she certainly has a problematic relationship with alcohol (and actually I think OP recognises that and wants to make changes, which is fabulous).

The root of the problem is not the group of friends (although they may well also have their own problematic relationships with alcohol) or the events, it's that OP doesn't have the ability to moderate herself, even though she wants to.

Taking a break from these friends may help, but it doesn't address the underlying problem that OP has of not being able to moderate her drinking, and I think some kind of couselling to address that would be useful.

I have this sometimes! I make sure I only drink singles or drinks I don't like (that take aaaages to finish and less alcoholic like beer)
Then I'm only having one for every 2 for example everyone else is having
If I'm having spirits or wine I too find it super hard to control
Small bottles of beer are your best shout and every 2nd or 3rd one I smugly secretly swap to a non alcoholic!

Yanbu. This is why they tell addicts they must change their environments and not be in the same social circles they were in active addiction. You could always tell your husband to go while you sit it out. Im sure they will understand.

Well no, it’s because it’s so stupid to tell her she has a drinking problem and shows how little you know about problematic alcohol use. Stop trying as hard as you to make the OP feel like shit.

😂Hilarious, given you have been smart and snippy with everyone who told you that you had a drink problem. Projection much?

Take care and I honestly hope you sort it out.

This seems unnecessarily harsh. It’s great that you can easily moderate around heavy drinkers, but it isn’t that simple for everyone. Of course we’re responsible for what we drink, but alcohol affects people differently, and some of us find the off switch less reliable once we start. Recognising the particular people and situations that make moderation harder isn’t necessarily blaming them or being in denial.
It can be genuinely difficult to work out how to change your drinking without damaging or losing valued friendships, particularly when big nights out have become part of the established dynamic. I think if someone is trying to work through all this, it’s useful to listen and support, and bear in mind you may have luck on your side

Nope. You use the excuse that YOU cannot stop drinking when you are around these people. You BLAME the given situation for the fact you get blathered. These people are heavy drinkers therefore I must get pissed. What a crock of shite.

I can't drink Non alcoholic as they will think I am pregnant...another sad excuse.

I go out regularly with very heavy drinkers as well as normal drinkers. Do I get too drunk it either situation? No, because I can control myself. Just because someone is going to the bar doesn't mean you have to have one if you are asked. The problem lies with you. You can bleat on about it being the environment all you want but it really boils down to your own lack of control and the fact you see an outing with these guys as "not my fault, I have to drink to excess".

You are in deep denial.

How about trying something in the middle OP?

I quit alcohol 3 months ago, I was probably drinking on average once a week, sometimes twice a week but would drink until I was drunk. I can’t stop at one! I would end up drinking nearly a whole bottle of wine to myself (could never manage a full one!)

At first I did it as an experiment to see how I would feel. Never told myself it was forever (and still don’t) and sort of set myself up to succeed. One friend I have that I used to drink with, I started meeting for lunch instead or going for a meal or to a show of some description. Another friend, I found it much easier to drink something else (trip drinks with CBD or Lion’s Mane are a good alternative)

Anyway, now I have three months under my belt I feel like it would be much easier to go to a pub and not drink alcohol because I don’t want to ‘throw away’ all the good I have done. Also, the longer I go without alcohol the more I think it’s weird I ever wanted it. I haven’t missed it one bit! My skin is clearer, my hair is thicker, I have more energy, I am calmer etc etc. I was skeptical but it really is such a good thing to do for your health and well being!

I think framing it as situational addiction or out of body experience may be overcomplicating or even romanticising it slightly.

I'd say this is peer influence pure and simple- these peers you like a lot, and you are all in the habit of drinking a lot together, and so your friendship seems framed around the activity and fun of drinking.

I don't think it means you're addicted at all really. It's similar, to use a wildly different comparison, to where toddlers refuse adamantly to try, say, cauliflower cheese at home - put them in nursery where Freddie, Henry and Sienna are sitting at table eating cauliflower cheese, they'll do the same, much to the surprise of the bemused parents at pickup.

But you don't always have to eat cauliflower cheese/drink with your friends. Maybe do one-on-one coffees with the friends you get on best with. Maybe suggest dinner first and book something with a separate friend after dinner so you drop out after dinner and aren't tempted to stay. I think there will be more and more non drinkers as the years go on, so preserve the friendships you value most in different ways/by varying up the activities.

A lot of us have been through this: I'm quite a bit older than you (50s) but have gone through similar.

It sounds as if this group of people are very committed to drinking and it sounds like a culture where people egg one another on, but it also sounds as if you're not being entirely honest with yourself and are allowing things like birthdays etc to be a bit of an excuse to let your boundaries slide. The bottom line is you don't have to drink heavily to be a good friend to someone: anyone who expects that of you is not a real friend and you have to choose which is more important to you.

At some point you have to front up to them and say you want to drink less and see how it lands. If there's pushback you have to hold the line and say what your boundaries are and if they really don't respect them, you have to pull yourself back a bit. I have been going through this recently with an old friend: she has form for buying alcohol for us to share after I've explicitly told her I didn't want any more and I had to read the riot act. It was a bit tricky for a bit but she now accepts that this is who I am now and our relationship has adjusted.

If you really can't be with these people without drinking I'd distance yourself from the next few gatherings and try to have a 'reset'.

I don’t really see the point in this advice. How is it helpful? OP knows full well they’re not forcing her to drink, she hasn’t said anything that indicates she thinks that either.

she’s saying that with this group of friends, heavy drinking is the norm of their relationship, and how they socialise. It’s utterly ridiculous to pretend that it isn’t challenging to sever that link.

You're choosing to use that as a reason to absolve yourself of responsibility for making the decision to get hammered.

Unless they are holding you down, shoving a funnel in your throat and tipping vodka down it, you are choosing to drink. And if they were, you're still choosing to go there when you know that would happen.

Take responsibility for your own choices and your own actions. The Big Boys aren't making you do it. You are doing it.

Meet them later in the day/evening so there’s not the opportunity to drink so much.

Also - if you have to - tell a lie and say your doctor has said you can’t drink due to being diagnosed with NAFLD
No one is going to know

Can you speak to any of the group on a one to one basis and see if any of them would prefer to dial it back a bit?

Team up with that friend and do it together - strength in numbers 💪

and sorry OP posted too soon.

I gave up drinking 3 years ago- up to my late 30s was very boozy, social, loads of friends etc. I def made friends with people who liked to booze as much and I, which means you do feel a bit wary about giving up.

i was lucky that a couple of people had given up before me. I had to accept I may lose friends. I haven’t really lost any, but social situation safe really different. I go for a couple of hours then slip off. It doesn’t matter since everyone is too pissed to notice, but I still get home fresh and wake up fresh. You may need a few months off booze before you feel confident doing this though.

millie gooch’s book is great for hints and tips on socialising sober (she was much much younger, but if you can get past that it’s all useful)

my social life has certainly changed but I’ve managed to keep my friends. I very much agree with friends for a reason friends for a season though.

one more thing- don’t over think not drinking and pregnancy. If you’re not pregnant that’s that. They’ll realise in 3/4/5/6 months when it obvious you aren’t.

Sorry but this is hilarious. OP describes perfectly normal and well acknowledged pitfalls of drinking + socialising. Who do you suggest she seeks help from?

Plenty of people change their life styles to avoid the thing that triggers them, be it drink, drugs, food, people

So don't spend time with them. Or as pps have said suggest a completely different environment to meet up. Maybe initially have a meet up with the other one from the group who has expressed they want to cut down.