AIBU to want distance from friends who trigger heavy drinking?

damnbeaver · 2026-09-13T12:59:16+00:00

Dh and I occasionally, roughly once a month, spend time with a large group of friends who all drink a lot. We used to hang out with them more before we moved out of London. I want to stop drinking, maybe not fully as I do enjoy a pint or two and a good chat down the pub, but certainly want to quit drinking as much as I end up doing when we hang out with this group. I always feel terrible the next day, crying, with awful hanxiety. It always ruins the rest of my weekend, the following week, and makes both me and dh kind of moody for days thereafter which increases the risk of petty/unnecessary arguments and bickering in the week that follows. Dh is understanding about me wanting to drink less but also doesn’t really want to step back from the group in the same way I do. He also ends up drinking a lot, even when he expresses to me beforehand that he doesn’t want to let it spiral. This also means we’re wasting hundreds of pounds on alcohol every month… I read on the internet that sometimes addiction is not about seeking out the vice (alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, whatever it may be) but that it sometimes is driven by environmental triggers, so if you find yourself in certain environments you can’t stop yourself/your brain finds ways to justify indulging even though you don’t really want to do it/you’ve been “behaving” for weeks/months. I think that’s how it feels when we spend time with them. When we’re not around this group we have a very normal and healthy relationship with alcohol and don’t smoke at all. Has anybody been through something similar? How did you navigate this?

mindutopia · 14/09/2026 12:07

I stopped drinking 3 years ago. There are absolutely people and situations I don’t enjoy being in now. Once you don’t drink, you really notice how dysfunctional and frankly boring your heavy drinking friends are.

It’s fine to step back from this group. If your Dh wants to still go out with them, that’s fine, let him manage himself, but also it’s his personal money he’s spending, not your joint money. My dh still goes to the pub occasionally with friends, but he’s not paying for it from our joint account.

If you want to still maintain these friendships, orchestrate time together that isn’t built around heavy drinking. Breakfast, a hike, a picnic with the kids, going paint balling, tea and cake at yours. Some will avoid because they only want to get drunk. But I guarantee that there will absolutely be several who feel exactly like you do and are grateful you suggested something that isn’t all about alcohol. You will build those friendships on new ground. There always has to be someone who goes first, but others will follow you, trust me. I now have lots of lovely friendships built around coffee on Sundays and long walks and going to the beach. Same friends but different era.

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 11:45

guinnessguzzler · 14/09/2026 11:13

It's great you want to do something to address this and people have given you some good tips here.

Despite my username I have never been a big drinker and rarely drink at all now. I have known a number of people affected by alcohol issues and I can honestly say this friendship group sound horrible, unsupportive and very unhealthy. I would also suggest it is quite unusual to have a group of around 20 or so people in their 30s / 40s getting together on a pretty much monthly basis for this level of drinking activity. I wonder why you are putting so much effort into retaining these friends? You have moved several hours away and are still going back, at great time and financial cost, regularly to go out on the piss with them. It sounds like maybe you have moved on but are struggling to let go of a way of life or point in time.

I know you feel confident that any issues with alcohol are only with this group but I wonder if it's also worth reflecting on the frequency of these get-togethers. Do they give you and / or your partner the opportunity to blow off steam as a 'one-off' in a way that you crave? So whilst it is easy in-between, actually these sessions come round so quickly that you're never really that far away from one.

Thanks for this considered comment. I do think it gives dh a chance to blow off steam, yeah. For me, it only creates more steam… it’s a bit of a project getting there and back and I find it quite stressful and unfulfilling because I prefer having conversations that are more meaningful when I spend time with people and it’s hard to do that when everybody is getting pissed. I’ve also never really liked drinking, I dislike the taste of alcohol and the hangover that follows.

I think we’re putting effort into the friendship because of a shared history/knowing each other for so long and because, though I can see why it doesn’t seem like it, most of them are lovely and supportive people. I’ve only given you a snapshot in this thread so I wouldn’t want you to judge them only based on that.

But combining what you’re saying with some of the other suggestions in this thread I think swapping these sessions with other activities in smaller groups where drinking isn’t the primary activity might be a good idea.

OP posts:

Flamingojune · 14/09/2026 11:18

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 10:03

People without problematic relationships with alcohol can moderate themselves in ALL situations. You can't.

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Is there evidence to back that up?

Flamingojune · 14/09/2026 11:16

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 09:41

Probably, who knows? It's not really the point of this thread though, we're not talking about disordered eating. OP is showing classic signs of a problematic relationship with alcohol. She's taking steps to address that, which is brilliant. People minimising isn't really helping her.

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I would think any type of addictive behaviour comes from the same place, be it food, alcohol, drugs, sex etc

guinnessguzzler · 14/09/2026 11:13

It's great you want to do something to address this and people have given you some good tips here.

Despite my username I have never been a big drinker and rarely drink at all now. I have known a number of people affected by alcohol issues and I can honestly say this friendship group sound horrible, unsupportive and very unhealthy. I would also suggest it is quite unusual to have a group of around 20 or so people in their 30s / 40s getting together on a pretty much monthly basis for this level of drinking activity. I wonder why you are putting so much effort into retaining these friends? You have moved several hours away and are still going back, at great time and financial cost, regularly to go out on the piss with them. It sounds like maybe you have moved on but are struggling to let go of a way of life or point in time.

I know you feel confident that any issues with alcohol are only with this group but I wonder if it's also worth reflecting on the frequency of these get-togethers. Do they give you and / or your partner the opportunity to blow off steam as a 'one-off' in a way that you crave? So whilst it is easy in-between, actually these sessions come round so quickly that you're never really that far away from one.

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:59

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 14/09/2026 10:42

I do agree that you have a problematic relationship with alcohol and it’s worth exploring. There’s something about this situation that brings out an inability in you to control yourself. That is still an inability to control yourself even if other situations don’t trigger you in the same way. You absolutely should be able to go out with these people and say no alcohol. If you just stop hanging out with them, it won’t solve the deep down issue because what about the next trigger that comes up? Also if they are so unsupportive of others, joking about someone’s AA attempt or them being pregnant or whatever, they are really not nice people.

Thanks for this. You make some very good points. Although I think you’re making an assumption when you say “what about the next trigger that comes up”.

That hasn’t happened and it might never happen - which is another, somewhat more optimistic assumption one could make about the future.

OP posts:

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:55

jdb9803 · 14/09/2026 10:36

I would suggest talking to your friends the way you have responded to people here who have offered hlp - that way you won't have any friends to go out with - problem solved

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🤣 there have been lots and lots of really lovely people responding in this thread offering helpful support and advice and nifty ideas. They seem like great people to be friends with.

And then we’ve of course also had a couple of jobsworths who may or may not have friends in real life.

OP posts:

OriginalSkang · 14/09/2026 10:51

I haven't seen my 'getting wrecked' friends since I stopped drinking. I wouldn't trust myself

Mmhmmn · 14/09/2026 10:46

Just drink zero alocohol drinks. If it’s unbearable to be around them without drinking, that tells you something else about your relationship with them. People forget alcohol is a depressant so the only thing that’s unreasonable is to carry on as you are when it makes you feel so awful in the days after a big sesh.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 14/09/2026 10:43

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 10:33

Look, if you want to continue to believe you don't have problematic relationship with alcohol, I'm not going to be able to change your mind.

Good luck with quitting alcohol.

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I agree with your points here. Just wrote something similar.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 14/09/2026 10:42

I do agree that you have a problematic relationship with alcohol and it’s worth exploring. There’s something about this situation that brings out an inability in you to control yourself. That is still an inability to control yourself even if other situations don’t trigger you in the same way. You absolutely should be able to go out with these people and say no alcohol. If you just stop hanging out with them, it won’t solve the deep down issue because what about the next trigger that comes up? Also if they are so unsupportive of others, joking about someone’s AA attempt or them being pregnant or whatever, they are really not nice people.

jdb9803 · 14/09/2026 10:36

damnbeaver · 13/09/2026 14:40

I frequently socialise without alcohol with other friends that we have.

Wondering if you even read the full post - as I just mentioned to a PP, i covered this in the section about addiction. It’s situational/environmental.

DH has expressed he also doesn’t want to drink that much. We are a team so i’m obviously not going to leave him behind I’m trying to find a way to navigate this problem in a way that helps both of us because i’m not a total arsehole

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I would suggest talking to your friends the way you have responded to people here who have offered hlp - that way you won't have any friends to go out with - problem solved

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 14/09/2026 10:35

damnbeaver · 13/09/2026 16:08

I might try this. Thank you.

We have a friend (in that group) who recently said she was going to take a break because it had got out of hand and was going to start AA too, and over the summer although people seemed to be trying to be supportive once they started drinking themselves, they’d start making jokes and suggest to her that if she just had one it wouldn’t be the end of the world

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This makes it really easy! They are dicks so just stop hanging out with them 🤷‍♀️

Backedoffhackedoff · 14/09/2026 10:34

So if OP books a session with a counsellor (£80 a session?) and explains why she’s here she’s going to say “I have a group of really heavy drinking friends and I really struggle to moderate round them but I’m finding that I really don’t want to get that drunk anymore, what can I do?” And not feel like a total twat?!

plus what would they recommend that we can’t here? It hardly requires expertise

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 10:33

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:30

@mrsm43s
Before you and I end this conversation I want to point out that your claim: “People without problematic relationships with alcohol can moderate themselves in ALL situations.” is not actually a view backed by studies.

In other words your claim has been proven to be false.

Edited

Look, if you want to continue to believe you don't have problematic relationship with alcohol, I'm not going to be able to change your mind.

Good luck with quitting alcohol.

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:30

@mrsm43s
Before you and I end this conversation I want to point out that your claim: “People without problematic relationships with alcohol can moderate themselves in ALL situations.” is not actually a view backed by studies.

In other words your claim has been proven to be false.

OP posts:

makeaplantpot · 14/09/2026 10:25

What I did was meet them for brunch instead, but it was one couple rather than a big group. Sometimes we'd ask them over for brunch or lunch.
I cut down on alcohol and don't drink at all now for medical reasons - I quickly realised how tedious it was being with people drinking a lot when you're sober.

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 10:19

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:12

What I find strange about you is that I’ve said in my OP that I want to more or less stop drinking altogether and that a challenge to doing so is these friends. Can you explain how, in your world of solving this problem, stopping alcohol consumption doesn’t solve the problem as presented by you?

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I've said it seems like a good idea, but in conjunction with counselling, so you tackle the underlying problem, not just the symptom. Why so defensive?

In any case, good luck with cutting back/cutting alcohol out.

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:12

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 10:03

People without problematic relationships with alcohol can moderate themselves in ALL situations. You can't.

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What I find strange about you is that I’ve said in my OP that I want to more or less stop drinking altogether and that a challenge to doing so is these friends. Can you explain how, in your world of solving this problem, stopping alcohol consumption doesn’t solve the problem as presented by you?

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 10:03

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:00

underlying problem it's that OP doesn't have the ability to moderate herself, even though she wants to.

As I’ve said multiple times now, I absolutely do have the ability to drink moderately in all other contexts of life. When I want to drink less - in other contexts and environments - I do. I go to events, see other friends, have a beer on a sunny day, have a glass of prosecco on christmas, and it never ever spirals.

Edited

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People without problematic relationships with alcohol can moderate themselves in ALL situations. You can't.

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:03

shakercream · 14/09/2026 07:42

I have this sometimes! I make sure I only drink singles or drinks I don't like (that take aaaages to finish and less alcoholic like beer)
Then I'm only having one for every 2 for example everyone else is having
If I'm having spirits or wine I too find it super hard to control
Small bottles of beer are your best shout and every 2nd or 3rd one I smugly secretly swap to a non alcoholic!

Drinking drinks you don’t like is very clever! Will add this to my list thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:00

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 09:16

Whilst I don't think she's a full blown alcoholic, I think she certainly has a problematic relationship with alcohol (and actually I think OP recognises that and wants to make changes, which is fabulous).

The root of the problem is not the group of friends (although they may well also have their own problematic relationships with alcohol) or the events, it's that OP doesn't have the ability to moderate herself, even though she wants to.

Taking a break from these friends may help, but it doesn't address the underlying problem that OP has of not being able to moderate her drinking, and I think some kind of couselling to address that would be useful.

Edited

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underlying problem it's that OP doesn't have the ability to moderate herself, even though she wants to.

As I’ve said multiple times now, I absolutely do have the ability to drink moderately in all other contexts of life. When I want to drink less - in other contexts and environments - I do. I go to events, see other friends, have a beer on a sunny day, have a glass of prosecco on christmas, and it never ever spirals.

OP posts:

Grumpyoldcat · 14/09/2026 09:45

Sounds like you are having an inner battle. You should explore some form of therapy.

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 09:41

Flamingojune · 14/09/2026 09:22

Can the same be said for binge/over eaters at all you can eat restaurants or all inclusives?

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Probably, who knows? It's not really the point of this thread though, we're not talking about disordered eating. OP is showing classic signs of a problematic relationship with alcohol. She's taking steps to address that, which is brilliant. People minimising isn't really helping her.

Flamingojune · 14/09/2026 09:22

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 09:16

Whilst I don't think she's a full blown alcoholic, I think she certainly has a problematic relationship with alcohol (and actually I think OP recognises that and wants to make changes, which is fabulous).

The root of the problem is not the group of friends (although they may well also have their own problematic relationships with alcohol) or the events, it's that OP doesn't have the ability to moderate herself, even though she wants to.

Taking a break from these friends may help, but it doesn't address the underlying problem that OP has of not being able to moderate her drinking, and I think some kind of couselling to address that would be useful.

Edited

Show quote history

Can the same be said for binge/over eaters at all you can eat restaurants or all inclusives?