AIBU to forgive a friend who shouted at me and my children?

Agree with justasking

@PretzelPretzel make an effort to find new friends. It's not easy but it's for the best.

You sound a lovely person and, in this situation, you behaved impeccably.

You apologised a lot

You asked to be let out of car

You did nit allow yourself to be. Abandoned st a petrol station.

You did the right thing.

Now cut this friend lose abd suggest again that she seek help.

She had anger issues.

go your separate ways.

This didn't come from nowhere, did it? If it wasn't the first time, in her shoes? I'd have gone after 5 minutes and left you. Or told you not to bother and gone alone.

Teenager not being ready to go? that's on you.

But clearly you two have come to the end of your friendship road, and that is ok.
I also don't understand your title, should you forgive her? meaning you want to carry on? Her message clearly ended your friendship, so why are you asking?

She’s a bully and a user and she’s using you as her punchbag.
I wouldn’t want my children anywhere near her ever again.
You don’t subject your children to people they are scared of.
Have a look around you area for places you might be able to go to make new friends and dump her for good.

I would have blocked her on everything I could think of as soon as I got through the door. She is nuts.

To be honest it sounds like you’re well shot of her. Who needs enemies with a friend like that?!

Sorry, I think this is not a complete story. If it is, then this is not a healthy relationship, as you are both abusive and your children are exposed to it. Why would you want to be friends with someone so awful, has severe anger issues and is abusive. By the same token, why do treat this friend so badly by being continually late even when she has specifically asked not to be? Do you think that because you "pay" you have the right to treat her with contempt?

There is no way I'd get over someone abusing my dc. This is not remotely normal. Or refusing to let you out of the car!

Using aggression to control how you behave is entirely abusive. Don't become complicit in it, and don't let your dc think that's a normal way relationships should be.

Totally agree with this. She needs some professional help and your children need better adult role models. It will only reflect badly on you if you continue to tolerate the potential for this type of behaviour from her. A small point, sometimes it’s better to just send a text to someone who’s waiting for you to say ‘whoops, sorry, we’re a bit behind due to x. Will be there in 5’ or whatever - but absolutely your ex friend’s behaviour to you all was awful. If she loses your friendship over this then maybe that’s the lesson she has to learn to make adjustments to her behaviour, with specialist help also - not with you supporting her through this as it could backfire and you just don’t need the stress of it. I’m sorry you don’t have other friends but I’m sure they will come. If it’s possible to join an activity, be it a book group or pottery or whatever floats your boat, it will be good to look after you too after this difficult situation. You sound super busy as a mum so if you can afford to find some ‘me’ time then friendships could follow. Good luck and thinking of you.

Her reaction was way over the top and totally unacceptable. And I don't like folk being late. I agree she has some serious anger issues. Maybe there's something going on in her life.

Cut her loose. She had a legitimate grievance but to behave like she did is totally unacceptable.

You paid for the petrol, presumably more than was needed for the trip
You paid for the entrance tickets
You got screamed at
Your children got screamed at.

I’d never speak to her again. What kind of example are you setting your children - are they meant to think this is acceptable?

All your replies are about her OP. Her behaviour is pretty much irrelevant because you have no control over how she’s going to behave on any given day. The only bit you can control is now you react to her - and that’s what you should be writing for advice about.

Why do you let her treat you like this?
In front of your kids? What kind of role model is that for them?
Why is she the only person you consider a friend when she’s really nothing but?
why are you so accepting of this treatment?

Go get some real friends and show your kids how to refuse to be treated like this.

Absolutely ditch her. Teach your kids you have self belief and you aren't a pushover financially.

AIBU if I forgive her?
Should I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

This makes clear that if you did not feel lonely and unable to make friends, you would not for a second tolerate the company of this person or let her near your children. I honestly don’t think she’s a friend.

So there are two different things going on. First, her behaviour was awful and I don’t think you or your children should have anything more to do with her. Her apology is for past behaviour but that doesn’t mean that you’re obliged to spend more time with her. I just don’t think you should do that.

It’s difficult not to have friends but these tend to build up overtime and indifferent circumstances. Do not scrape the barrel just because you want company. Let it go. Get on with your life and friends will happen, but they will be true friends, not just people that you have to be with because there’s no one else to be around.

How long have you been friends?
Do you like her ordinarily?

Does she understand that her behaviour was completely unacceptable?
Is she taking anything for it?

I think if you don’t have any other friends and you really like her it may be worth telling her you don’t necessarily want to end the friendship but she ought to get help and you will only see her on your own, not with the kids.

I wouldn’t forgive her. She would be forgotten. I understand there was shock but her refusing to let you out of the car and not to go wasn’t acceptable at all. Children forget things at times we all forget things at times it happens. She was abusing you in front of your children then treated you like a naughty child,demanding you get out and pay for petrol. Did you actually pay for it or did she give you the cash to get it ? While you wernt in the car have your children said what she was like to them ? This isn’t the type of friendship you should be accepting or showing your kids it’s acceptable to be a verbal punchbag for anybody.

And pay her way as well? Completely baffling!

She’s not a Friend! Why would you want someone like that in your/children’s life. Show your children that you do not allow people to treat you like that. Delete, block and ignore her. If anyone asks why, tell them the truth about her.

I appreciate you were in shock initially but you subjected your children to 30 minutes of screaming, shouting, then how long is awkward silence then seceral hours of her shouting and ranting and then at least an hour of it home. You can't keep them safe around her so yes, at the very least you need to never see her alongside your children.

you sound like you're in an abusive relationship, they're trying to break up with you and you're saying no no, it's fine, it's ok if you abuse me and my kids, please stay

This friendship dynamic sounds wholly unhealthy. You pay for petrol AND her ticket to whatever you’re doing? So she is quids in constantly. You put up with her speaking to you like trash in front of your children. She then suggests you stop being friends which to be shows she knows she has the upper hand and you won’t do this-that you need her more than she needs you.

Imagine if this was one of your children who had a friend they always paid for and abused them regularly… what advice would you give them?

She is not your friend and this is not a friendship on equal footing. If you are clinging to her for fear of having few friends, it sounds like she realises this. Can you join a social club or start a hobby that might open some doors.

Do not teach your children that someone can talk to you like this, not really apologise and get away with it

Exactly, so? It's no excuse whatsoever if she has 'PDA'.

What?! She's insane, horrible and not a friend. Do you want someone volatile and frightening in your children's lives?

I agree with everyone else. Cut her loose. You aren’t obligated to have such an angry person in your life. You mentioned that her colleagues think she’s lovely and she behaves well in public, so she’s clearly capable of reining it in. She’s using you as her whipping boy for all her anger and frustration and that’s absolutely outrageous. She recognises her problem, yet refuses to seek help. In other words, she’s admitting that she’s prepared to keep doing this to you and to your poor children. How utterly disrespectful and selfish can she be?

Your priority MUST be to your children, not your deranged ‘friend’.

I can’t believe you didn’t leave the unhinged woman at the petrol station. You could have got a taxi back home.

It’s obvious that the children are saying they weren’t afraid to appease you.
You’re teaching them that other people can treat them like shit and as their mum, you don’t have their backs!

What sort of parent are you if you prioritise your ‘friend’ over the well-being of your own children?

Tell your kids you made a mistake as you hadn’t realised how ‘unwell’ your friend is and that you won’t be seeing her again.

Why are you subjecting your children to this ongoing thing?