AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

Your DH was in the wrong for comparing you to your SIL. You were in the wrong for comparing his appearance and success to his brother. She may have overreacted, but you were in the wrong for putting her child in time out when this isn't something they do at home and you should have apologised for this.

I was thinking that too

Whilst I get that your hurt and upset, you have also lashed out pretty strongly and tried to hurt your husband in return with your words.
That's not healthy.

Maybe sit down and talk calmly but you both need to apologise to each other first.

You said your SIL would be “slumming it” by going with your husband because his brother is better than him? That’s a vicious thing to say, no matter how annoyed you were. You sound quite toxic.

You don't sound as though you even like each other.

Comparing your partner to someone else (as opposed to saying 'i would like it of you did more of x/ less of y") is just a horrible thing to do.

Why have you done 2 threads on this?

I think this is what her DH is saying about SIL not OP.

@SassyNavyHam

Well, let's just say I'm more on your side than his, if sides there must be. But yes, neither of you covered yourself in glory.

First off, how the fuck does he know how SiL is behind closed doors? Obvs she doesn't nag her DH in public, naturally she puts on her sweetest face and best behaviour when around others, who doesn't? But behind closed doors she could nag your BiL about 1000 different things that have nothing to do with housework, DiY, or childcare or anything else that most of us without staff 'nag' about. Chances are all he knows is what BiL tells him and who is going to air that dirty laundry to your 'golden' brother? So your H (not so D right now) was ignorant and foolish to use her as an example.

What you said was really not necessary, but I sure as hell understand why you said it. If he can compare you to a 'goddess', then you can compare him to a 'god' I guess.

But here's the thing, it's pretty obvious that your marriage isn't all rainbows and ponies. You (both of you) need to separately take a good hard look at your marriage, where it is now and where you want it to go. Then once each of you have figured that out, you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about your future together.

I feel your relationship is dead in the water.
You’re no good for each other.

I'm not going to pretend it was the healthy option, but your DH sure had that coming.

Reading the update that she once took a swing at you makes it even worse.

So why is it that childminders employ this method so much- to OTHER people's kids? Surely because it is recognized as a normal, healthy way to de escalate, also known as reflective, thinking time. The daughter didn't get hurt in any way, she sounds spoiled if anything and parents very OTT.

Oh ok, fine for the nutter SIL to take a swing at OP, call her trash etc just because her kid got time out?
Guess that's not EXCESSIVE!

Oh God this is awful. Relationships should end when it gets to the stage where there is no respect. Some of the the things I'm reading here show such a deep level of disgust and complete lack of care for the other person.

Timeouts do not work, even for well-adjusted children, this is widely known and has been for some time.

I'm confused as to whether SiL is the survivor of child abuse or your niece?

Boundaries and consequences are the most effective methods of managing poor behaviour.
They need to be directly related to what rule has been broken. Timeouts generally are not a natural consequence to anything. I would have called her parents well before it got to 40 minutes of crying.

Disciplining other people's kids should be limited to safety/risk only. For example playing with fire, trying to run in a road, etc.
Anything beyond this needs to be outlined by the parents and the children need to know you have permission.
For example, close friends of mine have told their DC I have permission to tell them off should I need to (never have, apart from refereeing squabbles that go too far). I would know what their parents would see as appropriate and not assert myself in coming up with my own punishments.

If the behaviour was so poor that you could not cope so needed to cop out of parenting and just put them into blanket isolation, then her parents should have been called for guidance of how they'd like you to deal with it or collection.

Timeout isn't parenting. It teaches them nothing.

Sounds like he's had this coming.
I would tell him that he can fuck off for himself and go try it on with her if he wants.

If he has been posting photos of you sleeping or whatever, that's really, really horrible.

Doesn't sound like there is much that can be salvaged here.
I'd be getting a divorce and he can fuck off and go chase his supermodel.
There's something wrong with him and he would no longer be my long term project to sort out.

I can't decide which of you is more unreasonable. I think it might be you.

He's unreasonable and possibly misogynistic for comparing you to someone who isn't made to do the lion's share of the domestic tasks because she outsources it. And certainly nobody would nag if their partner pulled their weight.

BUT I think you crossed a line.

He's bang out of order for what he said but what he said could have been challenged in order to improve the relationship dynamic, especially as I assume this comparison is a recent snub towards you. This could have been worked on in marriage counselling or him educating himself (if willing) on the invisible labour women take on.

However, what you've said hasn't addressed what he's said, and instead is incredibly cruel. I pretty much always take the woman's side in these disputes, but I don't think there's any coming back from what you've said. Either you knew that when you said it and it's your way of ending the marriage, or you've let rip in the moment. Even with the latter, it is clear it's what you really think of him.

He's negatively compared your behaviour to hers, you've insulted and reduced his self-worth and core sense of who he is, his values, the way he looks, the person he is. Effectively stuff he can't change and stuff which will have been the case when you met him (better looking brother, that you're slumming it by being with him etc), which suggests you've always thought it.

It's like the difference between saying a child is being naughty Vs a child being told they are a naughty boy/girl.

Once you're separated you will forget about his criticisms of you. SiL will be a stranger.
I suspect what you've said of him will be something which deeply affects him forever.

Is this the same guy who posted a photograph of you sleeping and then said why can't you take a joke, like his brother's wife can?!

You both seem to get off on hurting each other. Is there any mileage left in this marriage?

@SassyNavyHam your H is jealous of his younger brother, and he’s expressing this to you as ‘he even got the girl!’.

One reason he likes her, is because she doesn’t sweat the little things. After swinging for you, I am assuming he agrees with her that putting her child in Time Out shouldn’t have happened, otherwise with it being a non-event she wouldn’t have batted an eye lid.

Maybe he also agrees that his family are trashy for one reason or another (beatings etc..) and his brother has managed to break free from this and he fees he didn’t. Not very nice of him but you can’t help how you feel I suppose.

YANBU. He deserved what he got. Maybe that will teach him not to compare you to other women!

What! Hardly 🙄