Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

221 replies

SassyNavyHam · 12/09/2026 22:25

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

OP posts:
Aluna · 13/09/2026 06:54

curious79 · 13/09/2026 06:52

You sound really vicious and defensive. He was using her as a metaphor for what could work better by way of attitude. You rightfully find that laughable in some respects as she has a housekeeper etc but to then say you’ll call her up, she has the better looking brother etc etc. nasty…..

And what of his own attitude? It stinks.

isitfridayyetttt · 13/09/2026 06:53

I struggle to feel sympathy for anyone in this. You all sound awful

curious79 · 13/09/2026 06:52

You sound really vicious and defensive. He was using her as a metaphor for what could work better by way of attitude. You rightfully find that laughable in some respects as she has a housekeeper etc but to then say you’ll call her up, she has the better looking brother etc etc. nasty…..

Aluna · 13/09/2026 06:51

You seem angry with sil for being level headed, beautiful, funny and warm, and your envy causes you to be further from all those thing

Don’t be ridiculous, she sounds like Hyacinth Bucket.

JLou08 · 13/09/2026 06:49

You took it too far. If my DH said what yours did I'd be upset but It would prompt a conversation and hopefully we could work on things and improve the marriage. If he said what you said the relationship would be damaged beyond repair.

Snoken · 13/09/2026 06:48

Sounds like you and your DH have some deeply rooted inferiority complex, and the people you would both like to be are his brother and his wife. It also sounds like your DH is the root of it and he is just making it trickle down to you to alleviate some of his own insecurities. You seem angry with sil for being level headed, beautiful, funny and warm, and your envy causes you to be further from all those things. Your DH is only making it worse of course by comparing you unfavourably to her. He’s gone from being the golden child to the less desirable, which is messing with his self-worth. One way of restoring his confidence is to drag you down so that you feel like you are punching, being with him.

Both brothers come from an abusive home, one (the one who suffered the most) has managed work through it and found a life partner who has suffered the same. They seem to have communication and emotional maturity in common and have found a healthy way to be a family. The other brother hasn’t worked through it, probably because he wasn’t the main target, and his relationships are suffering because of it. Don’t let him put that burden on you though, he needs to sort out his own issues.

Aluna · 13/09/2026 06:35

This is TOWIE meets Abigail’s Party. Everyone involved sounds ghastly.

I think DH got everything he deserved.

But you need to get away from all of them. And be nicer to visiting 3 yr olds.

Mapletree1985 · 13/09/2026 06:20

Your husband was the golden child, but now his brother is the golden adult and he feels cheated - he feels he was promised and deserves what his brother has. But of course, SIL wouldn't be that paragon of perfection if she was married to your husband.

HelmholtzWatson · 13/09/2026 06:20

SassyNavyHam · 12/09/2026 22:43

I did say it. The positive things he listed about her are true enough, but this woman he is describing so positively tells everyone I am trash, he is a pos, we are bad parents. She treats us like he are the absolute scum of the earth

Show quote history

Having read some of your posts, I'm starting to come around to her way of thinking...

sandgrown · 13/09/2026 06:17

@MoodyMargaret11 good answer . Some of these posts explain why there are so many badly behaved entitled children about ( see the recent post by a teacher about her reception children) A short time out is not child abuse !

Original poster
SassyNavyHam · 13/09/2026 06:13

Saddaughter999 · 13/09/2026 06:12

You don't know her personality, you concentrating on completely materialistic things. She might have a housekeeper and nanny but have health issues, old parents for example. If you have money it doesn't mean you're always happy or don't have other issues.
I was rich more than 10 years ago, I had a housekeeper and meals delivered to my door. But I was not happy, believe me. I had lots of arguments and drama going in my life.

Show quote history

Again I never said that. I said she had no reason to nag her husband

OP posts:
Saddaughter999 · 13/09/2026 06:12

SassyNavyHam · 13/09/2026 06:08

When did I say it was a problem? I think it is ridiculous that he views her not nagging his brother as some moral superiority. What would she nag him about? She doesn't have to clean up after him, worry about dinner every night. Of course she is easy going

Show quote history

You don't know her personality, you concentrating on completely materialistic things. She might have a housekeeper and nanny but have health issues, old parents for example. If you have money it doesn't mean you're always happy or don't have other issues.
I was rich more than 10 years ago, I had a housekeeper and meals delivered to my door. But I was not happy, believe me. I had lots of arguments and drama going in my life.

Original poster
SassyNavyHam · 13/09/2026 06:08

Saddaughter999 · 13/09/2026 06:04

It's not her "problem " that she can afford housekeeper and nanny - I'm pretty sure you would like to have a help too.
You sound like you're jealous of her.
But your husband shouldn't compare you both if you have very different lifestyles and financial situation.
Concentrate on your marriage and it's issues, not someone's wife.

When did I say it was a problem? I think it is ridiculous that he views her not nagging his brother as some moral superiority. What would she nag him about? She doesn't have to clean up after him, worry about dinner every night. Of course she is easy going

OP posts:
Saddaughter999 · 13/09/2026 06:04

It's not her "problem " that she can afford housekeeper and nanny - I'm pretty sure you would like to have a help too.
You sound like you're jealous of her.
But your husband shouldn't compare you both if you have very different lifestyles and financial situation.
Concentrate on your marriage and it's issues, not someone's wife.

notacooldad · 13/09/2026 06:03

Neither of you have covered yourself in glory by the sound of it TBH.
To be fair she sounds like she is at the end of her tether. I think most people would eventually snap after continually listening to that.

LBFseBrom · 13/09/2026 05:58

Tell him that making comparisons is simply not on, it achieves nothing and is ridiculous. If he does it again during a conversation, count how many times. It is obviously a habit.

Then make him see that comparing you to someone, however gorgeous she may be, who considers his family trash and won't allow her child to play with yours, shows she is actually not a very nice person and not enviable.

I doubt he will do it again but you do need to sort out your difficulties.

Original poster
SassyNavyHam · 13/09/2026 05:57

tara66 · 13/09/2026 05:48

So how did BIL get so rich but not your DH? And it seems a different culture?

He went into investment banking and ended up a hedge fund manager. My husband has a normal mid level management job

OP posts:
Jiggerypokesy · 13/09/2026 05:56

OneWarmHazelQuail · 13/09/2026 05:54

I'm such a bad person...i read your post and felt a bit of glee! Your put down was soo good - you put him firmly in his place!!! Sounds like he deserved it!

However from a marriage perspective, you need to be fighting to save the relationship. But easier said than done!

Show quote history

Why does she have to fight for the relationship? I’d say he does if anyone.

Jiggerypokesy · 13/09/2026 05:55

HairyAries · 12/09/2026 23:53

I’m sorry but I think what you said to DH was cruel. There is something about comparing to brothers in height and looks and success that is really mean. More so than comparing SILs when it’s to do with temperament (which is mainly things that you can control).

Complete rubbish.

Looks and success are just about what you have,

Temperament and personality are about who you are, If someone said to me, ‘oh so and so is prettier than you’ it might hurt but I could see it’s the objective truth. If they said, ‘so and so is much more fun and kinder than you’ that would destroy me because I couldn’t become a different person and it’s about who I am.

And the DH is being completely unfair for starting this conversation. Why be so cruel. The OP just retaliated which is not surprising when she’s being compared unfavourably to someone who treats her like a PoS. Anyone would be triggered by that.

Whenever I’ve been unfavourably compared to another woman by a partner it’s always been proven to be a terrible relationship. No one who loves and respects you does this OP.

OneWarmHazelQuail · 13/09/2026 05:54

SassyNavyHam · 12/09/2026 22:25

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

I'm such a bad person...i read your post and felt a bit of glee! Your put down was soo good - you put him firmly in his place!!! Sounds like he deserved it!

However from a marriage perspective, you need to be fighting to save the relationship. But easier said than done!

tara66 · 13/09/2026 05:48

So how did BIL get so rich but not your DH? And it seems a different culture?

thepariscrimefiles · 13/09/2026 05:45

SassyNavyHam · 13/09/2026 03:38

SIL was abused as a child and as a result she is terrified to discipline her daughter or tell her no. The time out was because she and my son continued to climb on the couch after being asked to stop, and I'm not going to put him in time out while she has no consequences. I understand it was extremely upsetting for her as she had never been disciplined before

Show quote history

You really shouldn't have put SIL's daughter in time out for something as trivial as a 3-year old climbing onto the coach, no doubt following your son's lead, especially as you were aware of SIL's views on discipline and why she is like that due to past abuse. You knew that this was something that SIL felt really strongly about but you did it anyway.

Your husband is a dick though. His eulogy about how amazing your SIL is, even though she views him as well as you with utter contempt, was just designed to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself. He shouldn't have dished it out if he couldn't take it so I don't feel sorry for him when he had a taste of his own medicine.

I agree with posters that say that your marriage is toxic and you should probably make plans split up.

ETA I've just read your previous post about your DH taking and posting a very unflattering photo of you while you were asleep and posting it online and then moaning when you asked him to take it down. He seems to make a habit of comparing you unfavourably with your SIL and is obviously in competition with his brother. That he did it on your birthday is even worse. You really need to get rid of him as he's horrible.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 13/09/2026 05:44

PrincessOfPreschool · 12/09/2026 22:41

Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

Did you actually say that to him or just think it?

He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable

That's really sad and if you did say all of the above, I think it's much worse than good 'comparing'. You compared him to his brother in looks and financial success - my DH would not forgive me if I did that.

I think your DH was probably using her positive traits as a recent example of someone you both know, rather than thinking she's more wonderful than any other woman including you. But it's not very sensitive if he knows you hate each other.

Ultimately sounds like there are big issues in your marriage and I suggest you get professional help or separate rather than hurting each other constantly.

Her husband is an insecure immature idiot. From her posts maybe there trauma from his childhood or whatever but he seems to be in a weird competition with his brother via their reowetxiht wives.

Read this prior post from OP: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5577442-aibu-to-be-upset-my-husband-posted-an-unflattering-birthday-photo?postsby=SassyNavyHam

Having said the whole family seem very toxic and dysfunctional with each other so it's best to stay away from each other and OPa DH should definitely not be comparing her to his SIL especially with all the drama and history between them.

Imisschampagne · 13/09/2026 05:41

Doesn’t sound like your SIl has a reason to like you.

But also doesn’t sound you like your husband and vice versa. Really a messy situation. I would suggest counselling. Doesn’t sound like your family healthy communicates. Your kid/s will be influenced by this. Would try to model better relationships to and for them.

GarlicSomething · 13/09/2026 05:39

GingerdeadMan · 13/09/2026 03:41

You don't sound as though you even like each other.

Comparing your partner to someone else (as opposed to saying 'i would like it of you did more of x/ less of y") is just a horrible thing to do.

I don't blame her. Her husband's telling her she's nowhere near as good as his brother's wife, in beauty or in personality. That's already unforgivable, but Mrs Perfect has a history of vicious insults to the pair of them and has ghosted OP's family. Like fuck would I be sitting there listening calmly to all that!

Added to which, it seems OP's comments are actually true - the brother is significantly better off, his wife has expensive tastes, she is not 'sweet and lovely' to them!

Honestly, @SassyNavyHam, I think you should consider setting him free to find a woman more to his liking. You should not be living with someone who trashes you so contemptuously. Has he always done this to you?