AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

I would do the same.

You literally have no idea what is going on with the other child mentally or emotionally and how they will react to your punishment. Sort your own child out but leave the other one out of it.

I would be furious if someone made my child cry for 40 minutes (OP also saying "it was not a long time", ffs)

So he was fine when it was him comparing you to the sister in law but suddenly when you compare him to his brother it’s cruel? So he can dish it but not take it.

I agree with others here, doesn’t sound healthy, maybe some counselling could help you both and save the marriage before it gets even worse, or at least help end the marriage in a better way. Good luck

How do either of you know all this about her if you only see them twice a year. How do you know she hates you and trashes you. You said she hates her in laws so presumably the rumours dont come from them. How does your DH know she doesnt whine or nag?

It sounds like both of you are unhappy and envious of your BIL and SIL. And, I can see why she dislikes you both - I would, too.

So was this conversation all one way? He was telling you what he feels are you faults and what he’d like to change and you told him he was perfect?

Either urgent marriage counselling or I think it’s time to end this relationship tbh, for both your sakes (and your son’s).

This isn’t what marriage is supposed to be like. You will break each other and your son will watch and learn.

I can quite clearly see and understand why or how she didn’t like you or doesn’t want you around her child and for me she is well within her rights. I have an niece and a nephew I would not dream of putting them in timeout I ask them to stop and often guide them away from what they are doing that they probably shouldn’t and I also do not change the way I tell them from whether their parents were there or not. No wonder they’ve gone no contact

and as for the real issue I’m totally seeing where your husband is coming from with the attitude and the sense that you have. He wants someone softer and you do not appear to be that you seem to be a bit better and angry.

Being abused as a child has nothing to do with styles or beliefs of discipline. They don’t agree with the style you chose so you don’t implement it onto their child. They aren’t even your actual biological family they are only thankfully for them related to you through marriage.

Climbing on the couch is very normal 3yo behaviour. If they're both trying to climb up somewhere it suggested they needed to do something physical, so you instead you ignored this and made them stay put - the opposite of having their needs met.
If a child is showing a need to move about, then you need to take them outside or find appropriate ways in which they need to move. A 3 year old climbing a sofa is expressing a need and astonishingly you have not been able to work that out 🤯.

You haven't answered the questions though.
What do you say to a man who is awful enough to compare you in the first place, to ensure he 1. Listens and 2. Doesn't do it again?

You know, the casual comparing is hideous, no doubt the OP was expected to self reflect lol.
The stupidity of comparing her to someone who doesn't need to worry about everyday worries, why do you think he did that?

How dare he compare you to anyone.

Time out has been discredited and is not allowed to be used in many childcare settings as it can cause trauma for the child.. Even if you use it for your own child - you’d need to explain clearly beforehand what it is, and the timeout rule is one minute per year of their age. So 6 minutes for a 6 year old. But the child has to understand what you’re doing and why, and if they come and apologise then then time out is over. Having a guest child howling for 40 minutes is inexcusable. What planet are you on? The OP also didn’t say what the crime was. The niece could just have been going along with whatever the son did. Her parents were both abused as children and are admirably determined not to carry on that abuse, then come home to find their daighter sobbing after 40 minutes of neglect. I would be more than furious. The OP obviously doesn’t comprehend the severity of this - her thinking is very rigid, so suggesting a parenting course and couples therapy as a good way for her and her husband to gain an understanding of what is acceptable and what isn’t. And also salvage their marriage as it doesn’t sound like they want to break up. The BIL had ADHD so it’s not a huge leap to consider whether there is ND at play here, possibly for the OP as well, as their conversation path was somewhat unorthodox so couples therapy could also guide them. OP’s husband should also address with his brother having witnessed the abuse when they were children and how he felt powerless to help, as it’s a huge thing for his brother the fact that it is being mentioned now. The BIL doesn’t understand why his brother didn’t stand up for him. Maybe the OP’s husband could help heal that wound. OP and husband are not capable of a deep conversation it seems, as they descend into petty nitpicking and taking swipes at each other. They need a counsellor / therapist to guide them through a process to reach a level of understanding and hopefully to heal the wounds of the past and regain a relationship between brothers, and have the cousins be able to play again. The OP’s initial query should not have been about the quarrel with her DH, but about how to heal her family. That’s the elephant in the room.

it might be he was deliberately trying to denigrate OP by comparing her to SIL. But I also think it is possible that he was trying to illustrate a relationship that looked like one he wanted to emulate/behaviour of one spouse towards another that he felt was nicer than what is happening in your relationship. So not about SIL in and of herself, but more how she behaves towards her husband. Not a great idea to compare your wife to another woman, I grant you- even less so a woman who appears to despise you both- but in some ways that makes it less likely to be about her personally- and more about how he sees his brother and SIL’s relationship, because he thinks it is better/more harmonious than the relationship between him and OP (and yes, who knows how they are behind closed doors, but that is not relevant to this). I think OP was not a hero to react the way she did, frankly. And I think the relationship should probably end once one partner holds the other in as much contempt as OP holds her husband in. I don’t think there is any way back from that.

So what are you like OP? You’ve said all the things that your DH said he admired about SIL, but are you someone who whines etc? Marriage certainly doesn’t seem healthy. With regards to looking after the 3yr old daughter, you clearly knew the background so why on earth you needed to give a 3yr old time out, a child that is not yours, was not a great call. Maybe add parenting classes to sorting out your marriage as well.

My childminder has never practiced this method and never would so you’re wrong there. You do not discipline other peoples kids this way you ask them to stop doing what’s they are doing and redirect you don’t sit them on time out and expect them to not grass you up to their parent who doesn’t use that method

Comparing you to dear, sweet, warm, beautiful SIL was very wrong and tactless of him especially as she openly hates you so much. It shows he longs for something better, so in my view, YANBU.

But if you had invited him to talk honestly about his disappointments in your marriage before he started to compare you with SIL, then I guess you could say you kind of asked for it. He could have been much more thoughtful and tactful though. Pretty poor of him to hold her in such high regard given her nasty attitude towards you.
it seems you both certainly went in for the kill. And, of course, that was always going to end badly. How sad.

I hope you can both apologise and really both feel genuinely sorry for each setting out to deliberately hurt the other. And I hope you can sort it out.
You’ve ended in a much worse place than before you started the long talk. It’s so much more to unravel now. So maybe you will need to seek professional guidance on how to go about it.
Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

Do you want to save your marriage or just convince yourself that you were right?

You can be right and still be cruel. Marriages can’t survive cruelty. You can either get into the headspace to fix this, or you can carry on justifying what you said.

Swinging for someone because they put your badly-behaved brat in a three minute timeout is deranged.

Fuck him, OP, he started it, he didn't like it back.

It's neither healthy or normal to give timeouts. If a childminder was still giving timeouts then they're are significantly out of date with best practice. Timeouts have been shown to be harmful. Kids are not capable of "reflective thinking time" when punished with something unrelated to the crime. And certainly does not de-escalate. I'm shocked that there are parents out there using them.

I find it refreshing to read a post from a woman who, when faced with her husband behaving like an arse, gave as good as she got! So much better than seeing women being crushed by the casual cruelty of their 'partners'.

I hope you also pointed out that if he made enough money to get a housekeeper and a nanny, or if he pulled his weight in the home/did his share the first time he was asked, then you wouldn't need to 'nag'!

If her child was behaving badly, it's okay to put them in a time out. It's literally a few minutes out of a situation to calm down and think about behaviour - it's not like she smacked someone else's child.

This whole thing sounds totally toxic though and I'd want out of this relationship - your husband doesn't like you and thinks you are inferior, both to him and the sainted sil. He's a misogynist and mean.

Not so sure I agree.
The OP has only told us what husband said, she hasn't told us what she feels is lacking in the marriage, for all anyone knows she could have said something hurtful about him. I don't think his thoughts are unreasonable, maybe he should of generalised instead of saying be more like the SIL, but I think he only means less nagging etc. OPs reaction was vile to be honest

That conversation was never going to go well. It is a tricky one to come back from as you both said things that will have hurt pretty deeply.

Well, I’d say you are as bad-if not worse- than him, if you actually said all that. So, yes, YABU.

I understand that it must hurt to be compared to someone you deeply dislike (and who sounds thoroughly awful, to be fair to you). He could have picked a better way to illustrate matters. BUT, you were trying to have a serious and honest discussion about the problems in your relationship and you said he did try to listen to you and take on board the factors you raised. I don’t think you can say the same, at all.

You might not agree with his point of view, and that’s fine, but you should give him the courtesy of hearing him out if he has done the same for you. I think if you want to improve your relationship you do have to try and listen to his views do that you understand where he is coming from. It is rarely true that relationship issues are all down to one partner’s behaviour/fault. but, perhaps you don’t really want to improve the relationship and want out- and that’s fine too, but just be honest with him that that is the case.

When he was trying to illustrate (admittedly clumsily) issues that are bothering him, you did more than just snap- you lost the plot a bit, in my opinion. You not only tried to invalidate his opinions (they are rich, she has a cleaner/nanny etc so of course she behaves differently to you, he can’t expect anything else) and told him he can’t find any of the things he pointed out problematic because you don’t think they are. In other words- I don’t need to look at my actions or make any changes, you are just wrong. Then you tried to humiliate him (he is inferior to his brother in every way and your SIL would be “slumming it” if she were to be interested in him) and implied he was romantically interested in her. And further compounding your attempt at undermining and humiliation by threatening to call her and tell her he was interested in her so she could humiliate him too (I get the threat was likely an empty one, but the motivation behind it is unpleasant).

BTW, I’m not saying that he is perfect by any means. And it is likely he does have a fair few faults and things he needs to work on/changes he could make to improve your relationship. I’m just saying that I think you behaved badly, even if his use of your SIL as an exemplar of how he would like things to be was clumsy and ill thought through. But, my take on what you’ve said is that may be rather than being after SIL for herself, he is seeing a more harmonious relationship (less arguing, for example) and she is “sweet” could be that he sees her as being affectionate and warm towards her partner- and perhaps that is what he is trying to illustrate. And what he would like to have. It doesn’t mean it is all your responsibility to change to get to that position- almost certainly requires both of you to work on the problems in your relationship.

In your husbands shoes, I don’t think I’d see any point in trying to explain my feelings to you in the future and would think it clear you aren’t actually interested in discussing the relationship in a meaningful way, you are more interested in being right. I’d also be clear that you hold me in utter contempt. I mean- put like that- do you actually see a future in this relationship or do you think it has run it’s course?

Are you quite alright? If my kid was being naughty while with someone else, they are quige right to discipline them via time out. What kind of perent are you that you don't want your little darling to be given reaaonable discipline for their poror behaviour. There is nothing wrong with the OPs parenting, it sounds like you need to sort yours out though. It sounds like you're the SIL to be honest. Either that or someone with not the first idea of what decent parenting looks like.

You sound a bit psycho OP.