To cancel going to friends wedding

Well you are not available for the wedding with 6 weeks notice. You are going to burn a ton of bridges with the original wedding people if you pull out now. Your husband can go to his brother's wedding but you are required at the other wedding.

I’m sorry but this attitude is really poor on your side, and makes you look like a terrible friend and person to be using her rightful upset at the last minute cancellation to justify your potential poor behaviour of cancelling on her.

Either your husband goes to his sisters wedding and you grovel to your friend for forgiveness and offer to reimburse her for what she’ll have paid for his food OR you both go to friends wedding and apologise to SIL but say the late notice is the reason. Either way your husband tells his parents that their daughter’s poor organisation is to blame for the situation and they are not to bring it up with you again. These are the ONLY options that stop you from being a terrible human being

Your friend gave you plenty of notice, you've paid for accommodation etc. Personally I'd stick to original plan and you & husband go to your friends wedding.

Group message SIL & PIL and tell them you're already committed on that date, that you wouldn't expect SIL to change her date, but unfortunately 6 weeks notice is too short to let your friends down. That you will be sad to miss their wedding but hopefully they will understand.

And then stick to your decision.

Be prepared that it may end the friendship of you cancel, OP.

This is tough but you need to hold your boundaries here. Go to your friend's wedding.

Of course you would love to be at your SiL's wedding but she's got to accept that whilst she'd like you there - she's not given you enough notice.

If this was for a wedding in 6 months time the choices would still be difficult (I always feel first invite is the fairest way of dealing with it - but family is different and I can see the pull).

This is a totally different situation. Your SIL can't expect people to drop everything with 6 weeks notice. It's putting you in an impossible position and is unfair.

The next one will be the kids parties with 4 days notice (prior experience).

"Sorry guys I'm not coming to your wedding now, I'm going to someone else's instead" It just doesn't sit right- unless there's extenuating circumstances.

Are you really wanting to bin off your friendship by bailing on being her bridesmaid with 6 weeks notice? Few friendships would recover from that.

DH not going for his sister's is understandable even if it is disappointing.

You're not going to be rewarded for this by the in-laws. They'll carry on being demanding and un-grateful while you've lost a friendship too.

You absolutely cannot let your friend down at this late stage.

The only way I would ever cancel one wedding invitation for another at such short notice would be if either B or G was terminally ill and didn't have long left.

My best friend cancelled being my bridesmaid at the last minute. The relationship never really recovered.

You can’t drop out of being a bridesmaid 6 weeks before the wedding just to keep the peace with your inlaws! I’m shocked anyone would even consider it.
It sounds like they will always find fault with you, why bother trying to appease someone when it will never be good enough.

I could forgive a friend if they were just a guest. I think it would be unforgivable if they were part of the wedding party .

Ah, so if you don't go to SIL's wedding, she'll cut you off forever?

Hooray!!! So that's a win/win then. What could possibly be better? You get to be bridesmaid at your lovely friend's wedding, and you'll never have to speak to Bridezilla SIL or the PILs again. Seems ideal to me.

Of course your friend will be upset but she would understand the compromise. It’s a rock and a hard place situation and DH with kids sister and you as a bridesmaid is the best scenario in a lose-lose situation

Knowing most men - they’ll refuse to take the children so will either go wherever the wife goes or jump at the chance to be child-free. I personally think the blood relatives should attend SIL but the OP has firm commitments and less loyalty/ties to the SIL.

Unless she’s dying, I would go to friends wedding.

If she really wanted everyone to attend, she would have asked if everyone was available.

The family can be angry if they like, just be firm and consistent with telling them that you’ll be sad to miss it , but you made a commitment and you won’t break it.

Both go to your friend's wedding. You have to just stand up to people like this in the end, don't let them guilt trip or bully you.

If you came here looking for justification for being a shit friend and dumping your long term commitment, you’ve come to the wrong place.

The reason your PILs and SIL throw tantrums is because they work. Your H is already bullying you into going, because he’s a coward who would prefer to hassle his wife than stand up to his stroppy, unreasonable family.

The bonus for them is that your inability to set boundaries is now going to totally isolate you from your friendship group. When the penny eventually drops that you don’t have to martyr yourself to this ridiculous family, your friends will have long given up.

I wouldnt forgive a "friend" for this.

If your SIL is informing ALL the guests for the first time of the wedding date with six weeks to go, you won't be the only person not attending! People will be on holiday, unable to get time off work, have other unchangeable arrangements etc. She is going to be upset with lots of people, not just you. Are you even the only close family member who can't attend? I suspect not.

You mention traditional dress in your opening post. Are you part of a culture where the daughter in law is expected to defer to her husband/husband's family in every situation?

Well actually, yes he can. You can definitely miss it. You've both already got an unbreakable prior commitment elsewhere that day, and if it had been so important to your SIL that you had to attend her wedding, she should have ruddy well checked that you were available on that date.

Is she the Golden Child by the way?

In that case definitely don’t go to SIL wedding. It’s a power play. Show them you won’t put up with her nonsense.

"actually dear mummy yes I can, given that sister has done such poor job of organising it. Even fucked up the date - failed a t the first hurdle."

💣

Have they (in-law family) always been like this OP?

I also think you go to friend's wedding, DH go to his sister's.

Who gives only six weeks notice to close friends/family for a wedding, though?! Unless you are very chilled about who is or isn't going to attend, surely most people give much more notice than that to the 'must be there' guests? I know I did!

Yes I'd do that