To give up on my marriage

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 2026-09-12T18:20:11+00:00

DH and I have had separate bedrooms for well over a year (his choice, not mine). Sex once in about 2 years. We have talked about it and he says it's not for ever but I can't see how things can be normal again. I'm 49, he's 47 and married 12 years.

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 19:23

Sex aside… what is life like with him?

what was his reasoning?

Original poster

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 20:02

What I completely forgot to include was that he has bipolar disorder and has had several hospital admissions because of it. He says the meds cause him to be impotent and lose his libido. His condition also means he has little empathy which highly frustrating and leads to him picking fights.

OP posts:

Blimms · 12/09/2026 20:04

Bipolar doesn’t cause a lack of empathy, that’s just him being a dick.

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 20:08

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 20:02

What I completely forgot to include was that he has bipolar disorder and has had several hospital admissions because of it. He says the meds cause him to be impotent and lose his libido. His condition also means he has little empathy which highly frustrating and leads to him picking fights.

Ok so an enormous back story

hospital admissions? Voluntary?

Original poster

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 20:46

Yes, voluntary. Over a year ago since last time but he's not the same and doesn't realise he's not well. This evening we're having a chilled evening in front of the TV and whatever I say, he has to respond with a negative comment. It's totally doing my head in!

OP posts:

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 20:48

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 20:46

Yes, voluntary. Over a year ago since last time but he's not the same and doesn't realise he's not well. This evening we're having a chilled evening in front of the TV and whatever I say, he has to respond with a negative comment. It's totally doing my head in!

I am surprised you want to share a bedroom with him

Original poster

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 21:37

Quite frankly, I don't really want to be with him anymore but I don't see a way out. I don't want to be the bad guy for walking out on DH because has mental illness

OP posts:

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:41

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 21:37

Quite frankly, I don't really want to be with him anymore but I don't see a way out. I don't want to be the bad guy for walking out on DH because has mental illness

So how come start a thread about being upset you aren’t sharing a bedroom with him??

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:42

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 21:37

Quite frankly, I don't really want to be with him anymore but I don't see a way out. I don't want to be the bad guy for walking out on DH because has mental illness

He doesn’t remotely sound like he’s committed either. After all he’s the one who instigates the separate bedrooms.

So why not just suggest the pair of your wrap things up?

whippersnapper55 · 12/09/2026 22:48

If you're unhappy, you should leave. You don't have to stay with him forever because he's got bipolar disorder.

Mindboggl · 12/09/2026 22:59

The separate bedroom thing sounds bizarre. I’m not actually against it where there’s a rationale - snoring, different sleeping patterns, etc - but here there doesn’t appear to be any rationale other than he just doesn’t want to share a bed with you.

ChihuahuaChica · 12/09/2026 23:01

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 20:02

What I completely forgot to include was that he has bipolar disorder and has had several hospital admissions because of it. He says the meds cause him to be impotent and lose his libido. His condition also means he has little empathy which highly frustrating and leads to him picking fights.

This isn't something you 'forget' to mention. 😘

Itllbereadysoon · 12/09/2026 23:06

You don't have to stay with someone out of pity or guilt. That's just condescending. If you want to leave then just go.
He'll always be on medication so his lack of libido wont change.

Snipitpls · 13/09/2026 07:00

ChihuahuaChica · 12/09/2026 23:01

This isn't something you 'forget' to mention. 😘

Show quote history

Bit weird isn’t it

Watermelonyea · 13/09/2026 10:07

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 12/09/2026 20:02

What I completely forgot to include was that he has bipolar disorder and has had several hospital admissions because of it. He says the meds cause him to be impotent and lose his libido. His condition also means he has little empathy which highly frustrating and leads to him picking fights.

Imagine “forgetting” this 😕

curious79 · 13/09/2026 10:10

You’ll only be the bad guy in some peoples eyes but it doesn’t really matter what they think. Only you know what you want in life. If it was me, this wouldn’t be it. I say cut your losses and look after your own mental health.

CheeseMakesMeFart · 13/09/2026 10:13

You need to let go of this idea of "how people see you" as being in any way relevant to decisions you make about your own life.

You are going to be dead in a few years, we all are. Don't waste your life.

I suspect the people that might give you grief about leaving him would be either the ones who also settled for shit relationships or would be the people who'd have to put up with his bullshit more if you were not around.

They are not unbiased and have their own interests at heart, not yours.

BlueMum16 · 13/09/2026 10:13

You don't want to be together. That's fine. Make plans to separate.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2026 10:14

Who cares what anyone else thinks. You sound miserable so leave.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 13/09/2026 10:19

Well if you don’t want to be with him any more, you can end the relationship.

Life is too short to be voluntarily unhappy.

VestPantsandSocks · 13/09/2026 10:22

You are not responsible for him.

Original poster

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 13/09/2026 20:17

Thanks for the comments, useful food for thought. I was in a bad place yesterday but feeling a bit better today. I am going to propose counselling first and see how that goes.

OP posts:

Watermelonyea · 13/09/2026 20:18

fedupwithseparatebedrooms · 13/09/2026 20:17

Thanks for the comments, useful food for thought. I was in a bad place yesterday but feeling a bit better today. I am going to propose counselling first and see how that goes.

He will say no

Pedant61 · 13/09/2026 20:20

He's unwell - he needs support. That's what marriage is about.

Watermelonyea · 13/09/2026 20:20

Pedant61 · 13/09/2026 20:20

He's unwell - he needs support. That's what marriage is about.

BPD doesn’t mean no empathy and constantly critical