AIBU to worry my husbands behaviour might be abusive?

Unwanted touching IS abuse

He has been abusive, no doubt.

You basically got close to someone else (whatever that means?!).

Often people have what is termed ‘hysterical bonding’ after that, which was clearly where he was, but you weren’t. Doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable, but it is understandable, especially considering his childhood abuse.

Either you want to be with him, can forgive his behaviour and potentially move on, in which case you need some serious counselling, or you can’t, which sounds more likely, in which case you need a divorce.

All the other stuff like the house is a red herring. You can’t stay with someone you detest. It will be awful for the children and your own mental health.

Op you’re not gaslighting him. You’re telling him he’s abused you because he has abused you. You cheating and him sexually assaulting you are two separate issues.

If there’s 8 years left on your mortgage there will be good equity in it. People move all the time, sell the house or remortgage it to buy him out and go your separate ways before something catastrophic happens.

If he’s suicidal that’s on him to extract himself from the situation and get help.

Both of you need to face the fact this is a TOXIC DAMAGING environment for children to be anywhere near. Feel bad about that instead of worrying about him

How have you weaponised this?

He's sexually assaulting you in front of your kids.

Contact your local domestic abuse center or hotline. You need legal advice ASAP.

What if one of your kids does to some other kid what they see your husband doing to you?

I wonder if his 'depression' was just a way for him to check out of the relationship and dad duties while he kept his cook and maid. Maybe it was real. I don't know, but, he treated you like he despised you, then you went looking elsewhere, found somebody else, he realises it, so he goes all caveman, groping you in public, possibly to degrade and embarrass you, then he's grabbing you at home, possibly because he's trying to bully you into 'making it work' and then, when he realises that his caveman flex isn't going to work, he tells you about his 'abusive childhood' (which he hasn't mentioned before in the 22 years you've been together?) which he says is the reason he's acting like a sex pest all of a sudden. Presumably to tug at your heart strings and make you feel sorry for him. And now he's crying 'round the house and acting like therapy is the answer...? Just no. And then he suggests 'intimacy counselling'? WTF? He wants to find a professional to persuade you to have sex with him? All levels of wrong. I'm sure you know this.

Tell him that he needs to go, get his therapy, live alone for a while, and then, when he's better, you can talk. He's too unstable to be around the kids, and you don't want them to see all this. Then, once he's out... divorce him. That sounds awful, but... I don't see what the alternative is. Give him contact details for NAPAC. (National association for people abused in childhood).

also know that during those 8 months that I was holding his depression up that he didn’t love me. He’s told me during that time he found me annoying, unattractive and he preferred life when I wasn’t around. And I felt that. He’s only admitted this recently

So he had checked out , didn’t want you around until he sensed you were close to someone else then proceeded to repeatedly sexually abuse you in front of your children. That isn’t seeking reassurance, it’s outright possessive and dominating behaviour.

And I’d be cautious about the timing of this disclosure because he now expects you to support him and comfort him. What about you?

I hope you’re not sharing a bed with him op. I would not trust him one bit.

It's not masking anything. It's teaching them that abuse and groping in a relationship ate normal.

You told him he was hurting you and asked him to stop but he continued anyway - that’s abuse OP. Please don’t even question it - it’s textbook.

His own abuse is perhaps an explanation but it’s not an excuse. Lots of people suffer the horrors of SA but grow up to be decent humans who don’t hurt their partners.

Op have your kids witnessed him groping you and his behaviour in the pool?

Yes, what he did to you was abuse. Absolutely no doubt about that so don't doubt yourself. Regarding his remembering abuse at the hands of his father, he can access therapy for that on his own - do not agree to go to therapy with him. I wouldn't leave the house unless you feel unsafe - get your financial information together and see a solicitor. You need to divorce him, but you need to do it safely. You can contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

If he wants sympathy and support he can get therapy. You’re under no obligation to support him after he’s abused you.

Just file for divorce op. You can do it online.

You've both fucked up. You got close to someone else when he was depressed, he tried to make you feel wanted and attractive but went the wrong way about it. You have no sympathy for him being abused as a child. Why are you even together? You're not innocent in this. Your behaviour has been awful.

OP "unwanted touching" as you call it IS abuse!

Is your home bought or rented? If rented is it privately let or Social Housing?

How many children do you have, do you work?

Am I right that it is abuse or just unwanted touching?

They are the same thing.

You leave and take the dc with you.

You file for divorce.
My exh was similar.
Being raped nightly was normal. I dispised him..
I left when he was at work. .assisted my kind neighbours..

Could this not be a reaction to realising that you have checked out from the marriage and in his eyes he’s trying to go back to how you were at the start of your relationship? I think if you’re done you should just end it.

@redroses86 Don't leave him unsupervised with your children !!! He's transferring his trauma on you and might have done/will do on the children. He needs counselling but not with you. You are over and done at the sound of it. Divorce, sell house. Maybe live with your parents (with your children ofcourse) to start with. I am so sorry.

Unwanted touching is abuse OP. You poor thing you must have been in constant fight or flight at that time with him groping you all the time. It’s so, so bad for your health to be in a constant state of high vigilance living with someone sexually assaulting you x

He's a sex pest and has committed acts of public indecency against you. Presumably he managed not to do this until recently so the situation with his father is neither here nor there with what he was doing to you.