AIBU to worry my husbands behaviour might be abusive?

Please don’t listen to this poster. You have done nothing wrong. I would recommend maybe talking to Women’s aid who could advise you on possible next steps and options.

I’ve said this on here before to others but it’s worth repeating to you. Please don’t EVER give advice to abuse victims again. Because the op IS being abused by her dh and most certainly is not to blame for it.

Persistent unwanted touching IS abuse.

No you haven’t and don’t listen to the misogynists here who say you deserve this. You checked out because he checked out, and you’re allowed to do so. It does not warrant abuse. Nothing does.

Your new smaller house won’t be “shit”. You and your children will feel safe and relaxed in it. You’ll have your own space to sleep and live without being abused and someone trying to have sex with you or manipulating you.
look up darvo tactics abusers use and contact women’s aid.
make sure your own children have no contact with husband’s
allegedly abusive father.

Affairs are unfortunately quite common and normal men don’t react by repeatedly sexually assaulting their spouse.

There is nothing to be gained by conversations with him about whether his behaviour was abusive or not. You know it was and whether he agrees or not is irrelevant.

Suicide threats are common with manipulative men when relationships break down. If he says he is going to hurt himself ring an ambulance.

A divorce isn’t the end of the world although it can feel like it at the time. You need legal advice and a plan moving forward. It isn’t up to him to decide you will end up in a “shit house”.

Get some recommendations for a good solicitor in your area. I would want him out of the house asap.

I think there's some truth in what he said, and I say that with no judgement. The way you've worded some of your comments, like when you said "as he said" about what your housing situation is like. I think last night when you felt no sympathy for his childhood abuse it really hit you that you don't love him. You don't want to be the bad guy and you want a load of strangers on the Internet to tell you how abusive he is and that you should leave. Are you usually a people pleaser?
You don't need to get into who's most at fault here. You don't need others to justify you leaving him. You just need to realise how toxic this is and try and split as amicably as possible for your DC.
Just want to add, him being suicidal is definitely not your fault. Don't let him pass that burden on to you.

Could he have bipolar? He sounds like he might be hypersexual at the moment. Sometimes bpd2 goes undiagnosed for a long time.

It is not your fault at all

He has been abusing you

Please stop focusing on him!
He is manipulating you

I went through similar, though definitely not as bad. But slapping bum as walking past. Groping boobs as I was sitting down eating dinner. unzipped my coat when out to grope my boobs. Would pull his pants down and tell me to come do stuff.
we had a house (rented) and kids. We eventually broke up and I stayed in the house and managed to scrape by. I work but low wage so did end up on UC which is not the life I want but I do not regret the break up.
i was not a great partner but I was so unhappy, not just about this but just in general with the relationship.
im a much better mum now! My house is a lot tidier, im a tidy person but I just felt so flat I couldn’t even do that. im just more motivated for life now
I hope you find the courage to leave and be happier x

'And as he said last night we’d both end up in shit little houses in shit areas'

oh yeah? how does he know that then?

how convenient for him to say that

He's a disgusting abusive pig and the fact that he may himself have been abused doesn't justify it!

Public unwanted groping is not a sign of love, it's an attempt to convey ownership, and is lack of respect for you saying no clearly conveys that he doesn't care about your feelings or comfort. That isn't how men who love their partner behave.

Please get away from this dangerous man before he really hurts you!

Unfortunately, this.

That’s just classic manipulation and threats saying you’ll both end up in shit houses. A house where you feel safe will not be a shit house it will feel lovely.

Unfortunately you will always have to be involved in each others lives because of the children but you can limit his access to you physically and emotionally.

this dynamic is really not great for the children. They will be upset when they see him doing this to you and they will know you aren’t liking it and they won’t know what to do. You need to put them first (your husband is not putting the kids first) and protect them from this.

'Just lots of grabbing and slapping of my bum. And when it obviously hurts he’ll do it again to check.'

This is bad enough.
This is really disturbing and abuse. It is not acceptable at all for someone to do this to you.
I honestly don't know how you have tolerated his repeated behaviour like this it must be just horrible
😢

Imagine if it was a stranger doing this to you
would you tolerate it.

Depression is no excuse either.

Please stop confusing his problems with yours.

I think you need to focus what is happening to YOU here. Not him.
Focus on your problem that you have with him and take some steps to protect yourself and get away from this abuse. 🙏🏻

I hope you can have the strength to get away.

That is no excuse for him to do it to you.
and you should focus on what he has done/doing to you.
not the issue of him and his dad.

the fact that he has mentioned his dad's behaviour of this but no awareness of what he has done to you is concerning.

You are not over-reacting and it does sounds really bad and that was just from reading it so i cant imagine what it was like to have that done.
Sounds pretty awful, you've basically been molested harrassed by him and this is sexual harassment.
You did not consent to him touching you.

I think you should tell him this is what he has been doing to you and you take some action about it.

Please do not focus on him (he can get some help with that elsewhere) you have been a victim of his horrific behaviour.

@redroses86 ,

‘Because of the children’s school. We couldn’t afford another in the area. And as he said last night we’d both end up in shit little houses in shit areas.’

In shit little houses in shit areas which are your own space, happy with happy children, and maybe free to meet someone new in a guilt-free way!

You don’t have the choice between a happy marriage and divorce. You have the choice between a deeply dysfunctional marriage and the concomitant damage to your children and making the most of a divorce.

Does it matter what it was? What matters is you didn't want him to do it and are no longer turned on by him or love him.

The grabbing while I’m trying to do stuff would just be the limit for me. I don’t want to be groped when I’m doing chores. I’m not 21 and want passionate love making on the kitchen table, nor do I find being touch up when I’ve got my marigolds on a turn on. He sounds totally insufferable, and yes, abusive.

Why is keeping the house so important OP? The kids will be fine if they have to move to a smaller house. Whereas they will not be fine at all if they have to grow up within this awful toxic relationship and watching their mother be sexually abused.

@redroses86 ,

‘I know that I need to just get my head down and carry on. I know this has exposed huge flaws in my personality. I know I’m having an affair. I know this is my fault.
I just don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can just put a brave face on it. But he won’t leave. He’ll blame me. And I’ll lose everything.’

You’re catastrophising here. You need to deal with the issues one by one.

Does it matter whether it was abuse? It doesn’t sound like you want to report him to the police, so it’s kind of irrelevant. Obviously, if you are mid affair, you’re not going to want to be touched by your husband anyway.

What are you getting from the affair. Is it helping you or just adding another layer of worry to your life. Realistically you should end it to focus on your mental health and children.

People get divorced all the time. The abuse will have to end if you tell him the relationship is over. If he carries on touching you after that, you can call the police and they will remove him. If he doesn’t, you get the divorce rolling and go through a few months of living together apart (it’s awful but ends pretty soon). Then you get your own place and decide how to share the children, ideally amicably.

No one has died, your life is not over. You just need to deal with things one at a time. Lack of sleep is awful and, if you can afford it, you should get individual counselling too (and maybe some sleeping pills short term).

You're playing the role of a passive victim, just leave. Don't pretend you're doing him or your DC a favour by staying, you're not. It would be better for all of you if you separate.