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Original poster

AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

807 replies

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 11:38

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

OP posts:
BlueFahrenheit · 14/09/2026 15:00

YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:55

I went for a drink with someone a couple of years ago who was out of a long term relationship that ended pretty badly. Thats all it was. A drink. No pressure. When he got home he messaged me to say he didn't fancy me which was fine as I didn't fancy him either but then he starts telling me that he was still in love with his first gf and that they had been having an emotional affair plus snogging behind her husbands back. His cousin was still in touch with the girl so they went to gigs as a group with him.

On his profile it was all. I want a long term relationship -could you be the one, when he was clearly hung up on someone else. He sent me photos of them together with him sitting looking at her with sad puppy dog eyes.

Sometimes peoples profiles don't match who they are and what they want.

Still that's better than being on a dating site and getting three page long cut and paste efforts from the same person every three months.

Men's profile are merely thirst traps on most occasions.

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:56

YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:55

I went for a drink with someone a couple of years ago who was out of a long term relationship that ended pretty badly. Thats all it was. A drink. No pressure. When he got home he messaged me to say he didn't fancy me which was fine as I didn't fancy him either but then he starts telling me that he was still in love with his first gf and that they had been having an emotional affair plus snogging behind her husbands back. His cousin was still in touch with the girl so they went to gigs as a group with him.

On his profile it was all. I want a long term relationship -could you be the one, when he was clearly hung up on someone else. He sent me photos of them together with him sitting looking at her with sad puppy dog eyes.

Sometimes peoples profiles don't match who they are and what they want.

Still that's better than being on a dating site and getting three page long cut and paste efforts from the same person every three months.

You poor thing… you have had some abysmal experiences with grotty men

YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:55

I went for a drink with someone a couple of years ago who was out of a long term relationship that ended pretty badly. Thats all it was. A drink. No pressure. When he got home he messaged me to say he didn't fancy me which was fine as I didn't fancy him either but then he starts telling me that he was still in love with his first gf and that they had been having an emotional affair plus snogging behind her husbands back. His cousin was still in touch with the girl so they went to gigs as a group with him.

On his profile it was all. I want a long term relationship -could you be the one, when he was clearly hung up on someone else. He sent me photos of them together with him sitting looking at her with sad puppy dog eyes.

Sometimes peoples profiles don't match who they are and what they want.

Still that's better than being on a dating site and getting three page long cut and paste efforts from the same person every three months.

TotaleclipseinFrance · 14/09/2026 14:53

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:41

Of course sweet words would have been lies. I didn’t want sweet words.

it’s like if I go to a shop and the shopkeeper chats to me, it means fuck all really, they don’t care they’re just passing the day. But it makes the shopping experience a bit nicer I guess. I’m allowed to say I want some conversation from someone I’m letting out their penis in me

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Well he didn't see it that way, did he?
He doesn't owe you anything other than to ensure the sex was consensual and try to give you a good time.
Which he did.

Letting his penis inside you, hmm.
That kind if suggests that you expected to use this as some kind of transaction that you got paid for with sweet words.

Certainly exposes the myth that this was just sex.

This guy owes you nothing. Nothing.

If I were him, I'd be pissed off that you thought I owed you this or that because we'd shagged a few times.

I'd be livid in fact. Like WTF? I owe you nothing.
Id have done all I could to make sure things were consensual, you had a good time and now you're whingeing about me.

NorthernJim · 14/09/2026 14:52

He's getting no strings sex out of your arrangement. But then so are you, so you're using him for sex too. If you're not happy with that then put a stop to it. You're both equally responsible for what's going on currently.

It is possible to have a fwb arrangement that has more emotional involvement, but then what you really have is a relationship without commitment -perfect for avoidants.

BlueFahrenheit · 14/09/2026 14:47

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:44

I’m starting to feel everything, any man says is a load of tripe 😂

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My mom says "Assume men are lying till proven otherwise" 😂

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:46

YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:44

Maybe you should have sacked it off the first time if it made you feel uncomfortable.

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Yes, I was silly. Very, very naive to believe this man

OP posts:
Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:44

YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:43

Sometimes what people put on their dating profile is a load of tripe anyway.

I’m starting to feel everything, any man says is a load of tripe 😂

OP posts:
YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:44

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:41

Of course sweet words would have been lies. I didn’t want sweet words.

it’s like if I go to a shop and the shopkeeper chats to me, it means fuck all really, they don’t care they’re just passing the day. But it makes the shopping experience a bit nicer I guess. I’m allowed to say I want some conversation from someone I’m letting out their penis in me

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Maybe you should have sacked it off the first time if it made you feel uncomfortable.

Friendlygingercat · 14/09/2026 14:44

Like other posters I understand FWB as people who are close friends and also have a sexual relationship. There does not have to be any long term commitment to stay together or marry. The relationship lasts as long as it lasts. An easygoing adult relationship. Your partner seems to have lost track of the "friends" part and only be interested in the sex benefits. He may as well look for a hooker if he does not want to put in the effort of being a friend as well. You can do better.

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:44

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:37

So you think he misled you and gave the impression he imagined chatting in between liaisons?

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Yes, as he said he wanted a connection and to get to know me.
He said he couldn’t fuck someone he hadn’t met or have a connection with.
This was all rubbish to get me into bed, I’m aware.

OP posts:
YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:43

Sometimes what people put on their dating profile is a load of tripe anyway.

BlueFahrenheit · 14/09/2026 14:43

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:41

Of course sweet words would have been lies. I didn’t want sweet words.

it’s like if I go to a shop and the shopkeeper chats to me, it means fuck all really, they don’t care they’re just passing the day. But it makes the shopping experience a bit nicer I guess. I’m allowed to say I want some conversation from someone I’m letting out their penis in me

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Maybe his other head excels at communication... 😂

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:41

TotaleclipseinFrance · 14/09/2026 14:36

But it's ALWAYS just a fuck to a male fb, why is this so hard for you to grasp?

It makes no difference if he says some nice pillow talk.

He still FEELS the same. He won't be going out of his way for you any time soon. Or caring for you in any way.

All you're really saying here is that you want to hear bullshit, meaningless words.

Fine. If that's the case, just own it.
Know this, though. All those sweet words even if he said them would be lies.

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Of course sweet words would have been lies. I didn’t want sweet words.

it’s like if I go to a shop and the shopkeeper chats to me, it means fuck all really, they don’t care they’re just passing the day. But it makes the shopping experience a bit nicer I guess. I’m allowed to say I want some conversation from someone I’m letting out their penis in me

OP posts:
Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:37

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:28

Yes

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So you think he misled you and gave the impression he imagined chatting in between liaisons?

TotaleclipseinFrance · 14/09/2026 14:36

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:13

That’s absolutely fine for anyone who wants to do that.
I, myself just want some sort of conversation.
it’s far too transactional and cold.
Not for me.
I expected more, he just wanted to fuck and not have one word of anything or any social niceties.
I got it wrong, to him it was purely fuck and leave.
To me I think it’s nice to ask questions and chat a bit.
But that was totally my own naivety and I won’t make the same mistake twice.

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But it's ALWAYS just a fuck to a male fb, why is this so hard for you to grasp?

It makes no difference if he says some nice pillow talk.

He still FEELS the same. He won't be going out of his way for you any time soon. Or caring for you in any way.

All you're really saying here is that you want to hear bullshit, meaningless words.

Fine. If that's the case, just own it.
Know this, though. All those sweet words even if he said them would be lies.

TotaleclipseinFrance · 14/09/2026 14:28

YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:24

Sone people do think like that. They've said it on here

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Yes they have and I'm saying that a few bits of idle chat between shags between the OP and this guy would not change their opinion!

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:28

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:27

And is this also on your profile?

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Yes

OP posts:
Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:27

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:26

FWB

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And is this also on your profile?

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:26

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:23

I guess you both met for drinks beforehand to ensure you both at least vaguely looked like your dating app profile

On his profile did he say he was looking for a relationship or FWB?

FWB

OP posts:
Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:25

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:22

What did you chat about over drinks? And how was it left?

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Just general stuff about our lives really. It was like a normal date.
we were in public so it was hard to chat about anything sexual.
Then after the meet we texted to discuss the actual arrangement and how the meet went, whether we like each, still wanted to go ahead etc.

OP posts:
YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:24

TotaleclipseinFrance · 14/09/2026 14:21

Again what difference would a bit of idle chit chat make.

It would not alter the fact that he was using her for sex, would it?

Just put a bit of a gloss on things. The fundamental nature of their situation would be the same.

It would change nothing, though. Nothing.

As for prostitution, even IF people think like that a few stupid little texts would not sway their opinion.

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Sone people do think like that. They've said it on here

YourGoldLurker · 14/09/2026 14:23

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:13

Why did him telling you that you should have got together ages ago make you think something was off?

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Because there was no progression. It was always me going to his -we never went anywhere or did anything outside of his home so I thought he must be seeing someone. I asked him to go for a drink with me. He said yes then cancelled. I presume he didn't want the risk of being seen with me publicly and it getting back to his gf.

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:23

I guess you both met for drinks beforehand to ensure you both at least vaguely looked like your dating app profile

On his profile did he say he was looking for a relationship or FWB?

Thirstquench · 14/09/2026 14:22

AdeptLilacHare · 14/09/2026 14:17

We did not meet for drink to discuss even more what we were looking for. That would have been weird.
I have explained that I wanted to meet him because I couldn’t have sex with someone I’d never met and wanted to fine out if I was attracted to his personality enough to have sex with him not just purely physical.

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What did you chat about over drinks? And how was it left?

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