AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

And what?

OP has expressed no concerns about her sexual health here. We don't question every woman who posts about her contraceptive choices, do we?

All of us who are sexually active are technically at risk of STDs. And many of us are at risk of unwanted pregnancy, too.

But I think the assumption needs to be that, as adults, we understand the risk and deal with it as we see fit. Unless a woman is actively posting to ask for advice on this issue, I genuinely don't see any need to ask.

And it feels quite judgemental and offensive.

Yes, this is good advice

Yes, stay away from casual sex, as it seems you want more from the arrangement.

I would just file it as "tried and did not like it", forget about it and move on ))

Because they can split?

Just to be clear…. Condoms?

There is no rules as such in these kind of arrangements, you just agree what is best for you both. As you can see from the answers on this thread there are various degrees of friendship and intimacy people would like to have/ would accept; it doesn't matter what this arrangement is called. But if its not working for you, you either try to fix it or you finish it. Its as simple as that.

Is that 40 min total including going upstairs, getting undressed and then getting re dressed and leaving?

A friend qirh benefits and casual sex are very different things . The first involves friendship, rhe second does not,it is simply that. Sex.

i don’t know what the post that was deleted said, but if you were meeting him for 40 mins , shagging him then one or other leaves,

honesrly as much as some women may wish that, I couldn’t, I’d find it utterly demeaning. The fact he communicated more before meeting and then moved it to this, is also humiliating, it is n9 more than a physical act and he doesn’t wish to spend time with you.

end it and block him.

But lots of FWB relationships aren't like this one.

My FWB has supported me through some of the most difficult situations recently. He does my DIY. (And I do his laundry - so yeah there is a bit of sexist stereotyping going on, but....)

It's not always loveless and cold. I would say we love each other - just not quite enough to overcome put incompatibilities as a couple.

FWB, just like marriage, is a broad term that covers many variants.....

There's a lot of sweeping generalisations being made on here that I am not sure are helpful or accurate.

Men vary, and what they want from their relationships vary.

Of course there are men who want pure sex and no interaction.

Some women love that too. My best friend for example, arranged hook ups just like this - she finds it incredibly hot.

It would be almost impossible to gather actual data about what % of men prefer no strings sex - and in a sense what does that matter?

OP isn't asking for the earth, is she? Sounds like she wants a casual, non exclusive dating relationship. Loads of men want that too (I have spoken to lots of them on my recent foray into dating).

She hasn't done anything wrong. Men and women enjoy sex. (Arguably women enjoy it more than men, or at least have the potential to - multiple orgasms are a thing!)

She's tried one version of casual sex, and realised it's not for her.

So can we all lay off the mysoginistic stereotyping, and just support her in being a bit more assertive in looking for what she needs?

I've had casual sex with people who are literally friends who I also have sex with, so we chat, message regularly, go out for dinner, drinks etc. then there are people who I've had great sexual chemistry with but I find dull/thick outside the bedroom, so it's been very much a 'just sex' thing, no seeing each other outside of the bedroom. But even then, there has been friendliness and communication.

You should be able to have a sexual relationship that meets other needs, this is not a 'you' problem at all, it's a him not being the right fit for you problem x

Don't settle for something that doesn't make you feel good, stating your needs isn't being needy, you call the shots here.

The good thing about casual arrangements like this is that you can be very direct, you would like a little more chat in-between and this arrangement isn't quite hitting the spot for you. He can then decide to either give a little more or if that's not possible, you simply end it.

II don't think this sort of arrangement is for you @AdeptLilacHare . It isn't FWB, there is no friendship, it's a casual hookup for him and not every personality does well with that (no judgement, some do) I'd get out before you get hurt

Smacks of very low effort

Of course men can have female friends. My brother has female friends and one of his best friends at uni was female. I've had male friends in the past too.

I couldn't have a FWB for this precise reason, I would definitely feel used. I would want a little conversation, maybe a drink, even a meal, not just a swift shag and nothing else. Even for the most spectacular sex, it wouldn't be worth the blow to my self esteem.

Edited. Quoted wrong poster

Yep. They don't even give a shit about women they're in actual relationships they're in a lot of the time what makes people think they care about women they're in a mere fwb with I'll never know. 😁

Men aren't your friends in a fwb arrangement. This is true 99% of the time.

He is making you feel bad about yourself. That is a good enough reason not to meet him again.

It works fine for us. We are exclusive though