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Original poster

AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

807 replies

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 11:38

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

OP posts:
YourGoldLurker · 12/09/2026 22:03

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 22:01

I literally wanted to get to know him and have that connection… hence the chatting slot before having sex. Then since feeling comfortable enough to have sex and since meeting just for sex there’s been very little chatting or texting

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He's not giving you what you want or need. Chalk it up to experience and move on

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 22:01

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:41

No, I didn’t have sex with him on the initial meet and was very honest with him beforehand saying I wouldn’t be able to have sex with him straight away

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I literally wanted to get to know him and have that connection… hence the chatting slot before having sex. Then since feeling comfortable enough to have sex and since meeting just for sex there’s been very little chatting or texting

OP posts:
Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:58

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:45

So you have met 4x
The first was a proper date where you chatted and had drinks, and yet more discussion about what you both wanted.

and then the next 3 were just that… sex?

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Yes

OP posts:
YourGoldLurker · 12/09/2026 21:52

Ilovelurchers · 12/09/2026 16:58

But lots of FWB relationships aren't like this one.

My FWB has supported me through some of the most difficult situations recently. He does my DIY. (And I do his laundry - so yeah there is a bit of sexist stereotyping going on, but....)

It's not always loveless and cold. I would say we love each other - just not quite enough to overcome put incompatibilities as a couple.

FWB, just like marriage, is a broad term that covers many variants.....

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But some friends with benefits relationships aren't like that at all. Fuck buddy and fwb can absolutely mean the same thing

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:45

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:41

No, I didn’t have sex with him on the initial meet and was very honest with him beforehand saying I wouldn’t be able to have sex with him straight away

Show quote history

So you have met 4x
The first was a proper date where you chatted and had drinks, and yet more discussion about what you both wanted.

and then the next 3 were just that… sex?

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:41

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:24

And this was one of the three times you met and had sex?

I don’t get it. You agreed via messaging and over the phone exactly what you both wanted from the arrangement before you met.

but then you meet up for the first time for drinks and a chat about general stuff and
mlre about what you both wanted? Did you then go and have sex?

and when you say you chatted “a lot” about what you both wanted… multiple times… genuine question but surely the chatting was very brief?

Edited
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No, I didn’t have sex with him on the initial meet and was very honest with him beforehand saying I wouldn’t be able to have sex with him straight away

OP posts:
KindlySurfiingPlatypus · 12/09/2026 21:25

ToastSafeFromMothsAndDogs · 12/09/2026 11:40

That’s not friendship with sex, is it? It’s sex without friendship.

This.

FWB are supposed to actually like each other, enjoy spending time with each other, and enjoy shagging each other without believing that there's any commitment.

This guy isn't your friend @AdeptLilacHare , isn't interested in you, doesn't want to get to know you or spend time with you. I don't know what the word/acronym is but it aint FWB. Is he amazing in bed and gives you incredible orgasms such that you can't wait for him to next be available? Cos I could see the point of that (Benefits Without Friendship BFW might be just right) but if he's not that great, I don't think this arrangement is benefitting you at all.

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:24

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:19

No, the initial meet was just general chat

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And this was one of the three times you met and had sex?

I don’t get it. You agreed via messaging and over the phone exactly what you both wanted from the arrangement before you met.

but then you meet up for the first time for drinks and a chat about general stuff and
mlre about what you both wanted? Did you then go and have sex?

and when you say you chatted “a lot” about what you both wanted… multiple times… genuine question but surely the chatting was very brief?

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:19

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:06

So all agreed prior to ever meeting

but you still met for some drink to discuss it more?

What were you both talking about so much about what you wanted? Surely it was a 3 minute conversation?

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No, the initial meet was just general chat

OP posts:
Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:06

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:05

Over messaging and phone calls

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So all agreed prior to ever meeting

but you still met for some drink to discuss it more?

What were you both talking about so much about what you wanted? Surely it was a 3 minute conversation?

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:05

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:04

But now you say you met up for a drink and chatted “a lot” in addition to having already agreed via messaging before you met?

and how can you chat “a lot” about wanting this arrangement?

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Over messaging and phone calls

OP posts:
maxslice · 12/09/2026 21:05

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:01

No, we met off an app went for a drink, chatted a lot about what we wanted. Then once I’ve decided this isn’t for me, I was simply naive. But as I’ve said lesson learnt

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I’m proud of you. It was brave to try something new and also brave to realize it wasn’t working for you and to break it off. Good job.

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:04

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 15:58

Yes, and we chatted a lot before meeting. Both agreeing on what we wanted.
but since then after each encounter the communication has got less and less

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But now you say you met up for a drink and chatted “a lot” in addition to having already agreed via messaging before you met?

and how can you chat “a lot” about wanting this arrangement?

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:03

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:01

No, we met off an app went for a drink, chatted a lot about what we wanted. Then once I’ve decided this isn’t for me, I was simply naive. But as I’ve said lesson learnt

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You said that before you met you both agreed this was purely sex via messaging

so one of the three times you’ve got together wasn’t just sex… it was a drink and a chat?

how did you chat “a lot” about what you wanted? Surely it was a very quick conversation?

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 21:01

maxslice · 12/09/2026 19:12

Were you actually friends before having benefits? I mean REAL friends. If so, he’s being a thoughtless ass. If you were mere acquaintances before this started, his behaviour is very common. He simply expects you do the same. It’s a completely transactional setup, like ordering food at a drive thru window. You have to decide if that’s enough for you.

No, we met off an app went for a drink, chatted a lot about what we wanted. Then once I’ve decided this isn’t for me, I was simply naive. But as I’ve said lesson learnt

OP posts:
Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 21:01

AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 20:59

Yes 🤦‍♀️I was of course aware. As said many times I was more asking if I was being unreasonable expecting a different etiquette but clearly I was so i’ll just knock it on the head and move on

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In a few weeks when he rings the bell, just ignore.

or just block now

Original poster
AdeptLilacHare · 12/09/2026 20:59

Grumpyoldcat · 12/09/2026 18:58

Surely you were aware of this set up beforehand. No one is twisting your arm to do this so if you dont like it then dont do it.

Yes 🤦‍♀️I was of course aware. As said many times I was more asking if I was being unreasonable expecting a different etiquette but clearly I was so i’ll just knock it on the head and move on

OP posts:
Bikergran · 12/09/2026 19:25

Unless you're REALLY enjoying the sex and it's totally amazing, stop this. He's using you like a wanksock. Friends should be just that, with or without benefits. I think the least you should expect is a bit of conversation!

maxslice · 12/09/2026 19:12

Were you actually friends before having benefits? I mean REAL friends. If so, he’s being a thoughtless ass. If you were mere acquaintances before this started, his behaviour is very common. He simply expects you do the same. It’s a completely transactional setup, like ordering food at a drive thru window. You have to decide if that’s enough for you.

Autumngirl5 · 12/09/2026 19:07

I’m sorry, OP, but that sounds awful. I can’t imagine being in that situation. You feel as though you are being used because you are!
He is using you as a receptacle to have sex with and cheaper than paying a prostitute.
You sound as though you are not happy with the situation so why carry on? Would you not feel better putting your time and energy into finding a proper relationship? Assuming that’s what you would like of course.
Also hope you are testing for STD’s regularly.

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 18:59

BlueFahrenheit · 12/09/2026 18:57

Did she ask for it?

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Nope - the beauty of a chat forum.

Grumpyoldcat · 12/09/2026 18:58

Surely you were aware of this set up beforehand. No one is twisting your arm to do this so if you dont like it then dont do it.

BlueFahrenheit · 12/09/2026 18:57

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 18:55

How do you know?

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Did she ask for it?

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 18:55

BlueFahrenheit · 12/09/2026 18:38

The OP doesn't need guidance on this.

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How do you know?

BlueFahrenheit · 12/09/2026 18:38

Snipitpls · 12/09/2026 17:53

Because they can split?

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The OP doesn't need guidance on this.